Published February 20, 2014
Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.
Okay, so we really did have a purpose for going out here. A purpose that would be better served with a collective strain for protection; all manner of sweethearts skulk amidst the swamp realm. We weren't supposed to be pushing each other to the boiling point, but when you mix all the paint buckets together it ends up a repulsive brown color.
Instead of coping with Buck, I allowed it to exasperate me, which in turn, flipped a switch deep within. I felt an urge to take it out on anybody, and having someone I despised close enough to (in the dark) lodge a bullet into, proved too tempting to refuse. In the aftermath, I felt hideous for lighting his fuse, but grandfather Time wasn't about to grant me a do over. Dallas is an enemy after all, so why should I give a fuck? The only reason to even act hospitable is on behalf of our accountability for--
A grisly shriek from above shattered my train of thought.
I looked for the source and identified it as a lofty, crooked tree. A gargantuan creature had dismounted from its mile-high perch atop a limb with a grotesque moan. It heaved its gangly body gently off to our left, through the sky, with all the speed and inexorable doom of Death, a pale scythe for a beak.
It was mid-afternoon, cloudless. The few scattered rays of light reaching the floor appeared to retract as the ghastly behemoth's leisurely pulsating wings extended. Every effortless repetition flashed emaciated shoulders.
Holy Hell! Am I dreaming? I don't remember checking into Jurassic Park?! I found myself trembling violently. The source developed from my core. It had to be at least five times larger than the biggest natural bird of flight I could think of. Lose the beak and the size it might’ve resembled something close to a vulture or a condor.
It was soaring slightly askew of parallel to our petrified posse. A large wrinkly head the color of decaying flesh considered us. I wanted to look away but my body froze, enchanted by a heart-shaped garden of exquisitely round feathers on its chest that slipped over and around one another like they weren't fixed to one point of the body, bloody roses in a breeze. It looked like a fresh puddle that might trickle off in ripe droplets at any minute.
It drew near. Lower, but still angled marginally away, we got a good look at the back of its head. There was a thick helm at the base where it bulged up and out, but shrank as it continued to protrude into two haphazard loops like a black silly straw, for a couple of feet above its head, before ending in a far more normal point. Shards of sunlight cascaded down upon the strange pole, stirring lustrous ribbons of crimson to writhe about its length. Dutifully, as if it had an execution to attend somewhere beyond the horizon at our rear, it advanced. Alarmingly, its surreal flight was hypnotic.
But it wasn't an exodus.
Shortly after passing our flank, it tilted. From my angle, the edge of one wing appeared to transform into a black sword. Then it followed the pull of the blade into a complete crescent swing.
And descended.
Comprehension collided with my world. My eyes were not watering, nor was I crying as I snapped out of the trance. Rivers eroded my face in pure fear, body failing to sense the saturation. You're kidding me! Not our execution?!
And then I ran like no other.
Some of us had concealed knives, Vinny had a hatchet, and I think Pheonix strapped a rusty machete on her back before we had left. I didn't ask her how she got it, but it could serve the monster well as a talon file. Without sanctuary we were not just up the creek, we were riding the rapids butt naked, seconds from taking the plunge over the event horizon of Niagara Falls. There was only one place to get the heavy artillery needed to survive, and fortunately we had plans to make a stop there. By now, it should have been reasonably close, but it eluded us yet!
I was first to bolt. Adrenaline has eccentric standards. Apparently, in adrenaline’s book, waist-high water falls under the category mild.
My first steps spurred the others to ditch the statue impressions. Actually, it was more like the ear-blistering screech that rang out. Bare branches were caused to dance like Christmas ornaments. As debris peppered the sludge bed, it roused everyone.
But as I scampered past Dudley, I saw that his deer-in-the-headlight behavior might cost him his life. I slammed a fist into his arm and thundered, "GO!"
The last thing I was worrying about was the bruise he would have later. If he lived through this he'd have a real story to tell. Feet shipped me away on autopilot as I glanced back.
Leading the beast’s dip down from the atmosphere was a cumbersome head, resting upon a neck that resembled an elbow. Black feathers ran atop its million-dollar noggin, fluffed intermittently over its ruddy neck, then swept fertile across its shoulders to clasp at the wingtips, and abruptly quit halfway down its spine. Dismal, purple skin stretched over the back portion and finished in a stubby tail. Duds lingered in shock. It was closing the gap. He needed a miracle. Or a distraction…
I was no hero. I had nothing up my sleeve. I could barely find my tongue to tell the poor guy to go. You're no better than Xavier. I wished I could be strong. I thought I could take on the world with my physical strength, that it had tremendous worth. It's only worthless when pitted against an out-of-this-world adversary. I knew it was an excuse. I tried to compel the feet that were skating across layers of filth to reverse.
I abandoned him.
Yards ahead Dallas hollered, “There it is!”
He lurched to the right and vanished behind a solid cluster of trees, blinking in and out of sight between slits, where dead limbs were less dense. At his feverish call, my heart surged with joy. Refuge lay around the corner. I believed I could outpace the beast to the hut, but Dudley was at the mercy of the Terror.
When I reached the brink of defense, I stopped and knelt down, sinking gently, almost comfortably into goop. Across less than one hundred yards of frantic wrinkles, I peeped from around a yellowing tree trunk. What I witnessed churned my innards to liquefied butter.
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137,425 Literary Works • 672,010 Reviews
Hi there! Noelle back for another Review Day review!
Holy heck, major cliffhanger! Quite unfortunately, I think I know what is about to happen
Another awesome chapter! I really like the action. My favorite things to read in a novel is action. I'm like an action junkie! And this most definitely did not disappoint. Sometimes it's hard to write an action scene. There has to be a balance between the action and storytelling. And by storytelling, I mean explaining what's going on. You did a good job balancing the two.
The only thing I have to say about this is that I'm not completely sure what this creature is that you've described. I would've liked to see a bit more description of the creature. I understand that since this is written in first person POV,the ffirst thing your main character would think of was how terryfied he was. But you still have to make sure that you describe everything best you can. Because right now, all I can think of is this big creature baring down on the group.
Overall, I really liked this chapter. I can't wait to read more!
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Thank you!
Yes I am not the greatest descriptive author 
Hello there, Wriskypump! In the name of the Knights of the Green Room, I, Knight Kyllorac, am here to rescue your work from the ignomity of less-than-two-reviews-ness. I hope you don't mind.
It's worth noting that I haven't read any of the earlier parts, so if I bring up an issue that was already addressed in a previous part, feel free to disregard me.
Now, onto the review:
Misused semicolon here. Semicolons link two related independent clauses (phrases that contain a subject AND a verb), and the first half of this sentence is a dependent clause. There's also the matter of how this sentence doesn't make any sense. How does the purpose relate to sweethearts skulking in the swamp realm?
One thing I noticed while reading this through is that you rely heavily on modifiers (adjectives and adverbs). There were stacked adjectives and adverbs in almost every sentence, and while modifiers are effective in moderation, they lose effectiveness when used too frequently; having stacked adjectives and/or adverbs in almost every sentence is far too frequent. A more effective use of language would be to use vivid verbs, to cut down on the number of adverbs, and space out your descriptions, to cut down on the adjective stacks.
For example, more sentences like this: " A grisly shriek from above shattered my train of thought."
Compared to sentences like this: "The back end was a dismal, leathery purple skin that finished with a stubby tail."
More variety in sentence structure would also improve this, as you have several sentences in sequence with the same structure. For example: "Dutifully, as if it had an execution to attend somewhere beyond the horizon at our rear, it advanced. Alarmingly, its surreal exodus was hypnotic."
These two sentences mirror each other in basic structure, in addition to relying heavily on modifiers, which make them feel a lot more clunky than they could (and should) be.
One other issue with the language was the incorrect use of certain words, which indicates that you relied too heavily on a thesaurus to vary your language. One example: "With a grotesque moan, a gargantuan creature dismantled from its mile-high perch atop a lofty, crooked tree." "Dismantled" is incorrectly used, as it means "to take apart" rather than "to depart".
While thesauri are very useful, like modifiers, they are best used in moderation, and you should always check the words you pull from a thesaurus with a dictionary, to ensure that the word is being used correctly. Synonyms are not always equivalent in usage.
Overall, the language could be much improved by simplification. Cut down on the modifiers so that the ones you use hold more impact due to their scarcity, employ more vivid verbs, and check your synonyms to ensure that you're using them properly.
I liked this a lot, it is very interesting.
Hi there! Nerd Bird here for a review!
Nitpicks and the like
Some parts of your paragraphs dont flow too well, or are hard to read. A few connecting words or split sentences would do wonders in places.
I won't list them all but here are a few examples:
--dont entirely understand this section.
--This line is pure perfection. Graceful, skillful and deadly. Love it.
I love the whole metaphor of literally being up 'shit creek' or should i say 'shit' falls? but it may be helpful to note that they are not actually in a river or being drenched as I had to read it twice before I understood it
--As beautifully descriptive as this is, it has way too many powerful adjectives all bundled up into the same sentence. would advise you to either tone it down or split the sentences in order to not lose the dramatics.
--You do seem to get carried away, making your descriptions as accurate and to the point as possible, when this sentence would be just as equally effective without the words in bold.
The same could also be said for describing its flight near the beginning, flying at a 90 degree angle does little for us in retrospect and I doubt your characters would be worrying about angles if this terror was flying about their heads.
--At times when the pace picks up I find that you seem to miss out some words, this is just an example
Feedback
Overall this is a very descriptive and interesting piece. Admittedly at times it is hard to read as you love to overload your sentences with as many adjectives as humanly possibly e.g
In short sentences like this it can appear a little forced. Raw or feverish would have been fine for me, just not both^^
and in longer sentences
it gets way too much for one to make sense of, and sometimes I find myself losing interest towards the end of them. They bring the pace of the scene to a complete standstill when it reaches this point. Try and shorten your sentences in these parts and make them more to the point whilst still giving us enough details, we can fill in the rest with our own imagination.
Hope this helped!