• Home

Young Writers Society

16+ Violence Mature Content

Contemptable Wrest - (Ch. 5) Part 2: Open Heart Operations and Aphrodisiac Kung Fu

by Wriskypump

Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence and mature content.

Only one eye peeked out in surprise to regard us. The other was buried under long, black bangs that draped over one side of his face and drew to a point at the corner of his mouth. His open mouth. The two of us were still in a heap on the ground. From where I was sitting he was monumental, a good two inches over six foot. And as always his nose was a monumental piece of art.

“So sorry to infringe upon your privacy,” he said cheekily. “but Gutterson sent me to find you, Kev. The convention, if you want to call it that, has been delayed out there.” He cast a vexed look at his sister. “He was afraid something might have kept you.”

“This isn’t what it looks like.” I insisted.

It was hard to read him for all the hair sometimes, even though he was a pretty close friend. Perhaps he rolled that one visible eye. “Don’t bullshit me, man.” he groaned. “Of all times. We have bigger fish to fry.”

“I just wanted to take a leak.” I grumbled. “I inherit this.” Then rested my head on the wall and gave my attention to the ceiling.

“I hope you enjoyed yourselves.” he said wryly.

“Give us a moment?” entreated Pheonix.

Rocky threw his hands in the air. “You don’t deserve it!”

Pheonix pursed her lips and cocked her head. After a modest staredown he tapped his wrist cantankerously. “A moment. I’ll be waiting outside,” and departed.

Pheonix shook her head. “The timing of brothers.”

“I wouldn’t know.” I stated.

She winked, “So just playing along?”

“Well yeah, more or less. Although you came off more unstable than creepy.”

“They’re in the same hair-raising circle.” She flicked a smile. “Still gotcha.”

“Not entiiirelee,” I claimed.

“Hmm hm,” she observed askance and rose to her feet. I could tell she was a doing a mind cheer. “Your priceless face told a different story.”

I bared my teeth in deference, “You cunning little princess.”

I sprang to my feet and brushed imaginary dust off my clothes for no reason. Then I walked over to the cabinet mirror overhanging the sink to examine myself. Take a good look, this may be the last one you’ll ever get. Placing my palms flat upon the surface of the counter, I leaned closer to myself: my bushy brows, worried eyes, thin, sharp nose, square jaw salted with lengthy blond stubble, shaggy hair that scraped on my shoulders. Some dirty-blond locks sagged, still damp.

Pheonix had come to stand next to me, partially behind, also gazing into the glass, probably at herself, possibly me, maybe both.

I imagined the first part of the day. “This started out a gorgeous Saturday. Woke up, ate some Banjo Strings (a cereal), played with my cats, then I thought about our operation which made me a bundle of nerves, causing my video game play to suffer, so did a workout to let off some steam, met up with you guys at the park, and set out. Then a good man dies.” Well, I didn’t know him very well, but his final act had been most virtuous. He just had to be a good person. “What happened?”

“Pfff,” Pheonix enunciated. “I spilled coffee all over my favorite shirt, which is why I’m wearing last year’s bothersome Christmas treasure,” she held out her arms and her violet sweater slumped like flab, “had to take out the trash, during which I got attacked by a hornet, and then misplaced my car keys right before I drove to the park. Honestly, it’s been a rotten day from the start.”

“You like coffee?” I exclaimed in repulsion, earning me a ‘Really’ look. “I mean, so that’s why you were late.” I cleared my throat and recapped, “And we’re not out of the woods yet.”

When we got out of that room I was overjoyed. For a second.

Rocky joined us, coming over from the far side of the gloomy hall. His dour aura may have been the major contributing factor to the hall’s general despondency.

“Alright,” he said, eyes narrowing at me. “Glad to see play time’s over.”

Pheonix punched his arm. “Good grief, give it a rest.”

The blow didn’t appear to register. Contact had been made, but was only embodied by the annoyed tone that he disregarded her with. “Whatever.”

She had already strolled ahead as I deduced, “She must be a handful.”

He actually laughed. “Something I guess you’ve now experienced firsthand. I can only assume she strong armed you.”

“A little.” I admitted.

Rocky snorted, “All but gave you a concussion then.”

“I should’ve expected as much,” I said unenthusiastically as we began to follow after Pheonix. “But it’s far from enchanting.”

“Most guys are on that same line of thinking.” he affirmed. “We have our disputes. For example, I didn’t think it was necessary for her to tag along with this outfit and shadow me. But she’s the oldest. It’s rare that she doesn’t get her way. Xena and Tezer are following in our footsteps.”

I knew less about Xena than Pheonix. Hell, I didn’t even know her true hair color, it was always changing except for those illustrious curls. I couldn’t remember if she was thirteen or fourteen, just that she was the youngest, and below five foot, the shortest too. Xena seemed moody, and kind of avoided me whenever I was over. She was not the eye catcher like her big sister, but she had growing to do.

Tezer was a sophomore but we got along great. We were quite compatible, being dreamers and sarcastic knuckleheads; he had an edge on me though, traits I wanted to replicate. The kid was very confident, put a roundhouse kick straight in the face of fear, and managed to keep his cool in situations that brought out my wrath. I had no idea how the wiry little man did what he did. He would go far--if that rib-tickling weasel would check into reality more often. The least he could do was to stay at a hotel somewhere between reality and fantasy every now and then.

It was quiet for some steps.

I broke the hush, “Anyway, there isn’t a thing going on between us.” Then paused. “Just so you know.”

That turned his head. “She doesn’t just sit on random people, just so ya know. Besides, I’ve seen the way you stare at her sometimes.”

Rubbing the back of my neck, I sheepishly asked, “It shows?”

He nodded. “Yep, but I didn’t figure she’d return interest. Still doesn’t make sense.”

She hid it from her own brother? Rocky was right, that didn’t compute. Could it be that in her sight I’m valued enough to cause her not to venture out, and in apprehension lose me forever? The dread of screwing it up would be a constant reminder, after scaring off numerous boys. So bad, that later they were even too petrified to bully her about not being run-of-the-mill. Then again, perhaps I was a bit vain to think I was a high priority on her list. But if she marked me as off limits, why choose now to send signals? That’s mixed messaging! Although if that is the case I can’t blame her after all the crap those guys gave her.

I suggested, “Well, I’m not into Drama, but another thing I’ve learned is that she makes a convincing actor.”

“Ah,” Rocky assented. “There is that.”

Our trio had turned the corner some ways back, and the imperative business hit me as I saw the light from the main room.

“So is everyone hanging in there?” I asked Rocky.

“Head honcho is a little boozed up,” he chuckled, “maybe impaired.” and then a forlorn attitude transformed him in an instant. “The other three, their spirits seem depleted. Actually, Vinny’s fired up about something.” Good, maybe he reached Kelly, figuratively speaking. “I can’t say I don’t feel more than a little discouraged myself.”

“I dunno about you guys,” I yakked “but I wanna live to see graduation.”

“No fair. I graduate next year.” Rocky complained. And then I saw the cogs whirring. “Is that because the minute the ceremony is over you’re gonna break out the white cake and wedding bells?” and made smooching noises.

Pheonix whirled toward him donning the evil eye, face scrunched and lips peeled back like a barbarian, “Asshole! I don’t care if you are my brother,” she seethed, fingering the machete, “Trash that wedding proposal unless you want me to lay waste to your manhood.”

Rocky showed his palms in defense, “Chill,” he pleaded. “I hope after all this blows over, you two are still the same people.”

“Fat chance,” I publicized. “Particularly if our bones are left here to rot for so long that mounds of bacteria would clog the pores where the marrow used to run, and so rancid that one glimpse of them would contaminate the viewer and turn them into a zombie.”

Pheonix butted in with, “Kevin, sounds good about graduation, that other thing was honestly over the top.”

Rocky was taken aback. “Rated M for Morbid,” and then he complemented that with, “Sickos.”

I was also thrown for a loop. “You think mine was over the top, Pheonix? Sure, it was detailed and unsophisticated, but let me educate you about the magnitude of what it is that you threatened to remove.”

We meandered out from under the delectable awning of blackness, shuffling toward the beautiful arena painted the color of uncertainty.

She fluffed her hair, “I know. That’s the brilliance of it.”

Is this a review?



User avatar
317 Reviews

Points: 20
Reviews: 317

Sun Apr 27, 2014 9:58 pm
lostthought wrote a review...

This little chapter has been rotting in the green room with none to review it. Don't you fear, I am here!


Spoiler! :
yourselves.” he said

Replace that period with a comma.

Rubbing the back of my neck I sheepishly

A comma between 'neck' and 'I'.

I’ve learned, is that she

You don't need that comma there.

Ok, so she isn't a deranged freak. She is an awesome actor though. I also have the feeling I don't want to meet her in a dark alley at night. I see a relationship. Not very subtle, by the way, for Pheonix. Maybe she is a bit deranged. I mean, cutting off someone's manhood? Ouch! I'm guessing they are about 17-18 and in their senior year. Hopefully they don't die too soon. Let the love blossom before murdering her!

Well, keep writing,


Wriskypump says...

hehe, yeah, it was subtle, before a wacky day. :) Thanks for reviewing!

User avatar
933 Reviews

Points: 4261
Reviews: 933

Sun Apr 27, 2014 9:58 pm
View Likes
Iggy wrote a review...

Hello! c:

It was like a flaming demon descending upon me, my mind blank, too stunned to act.

The bolded part would be so much stronger if it was by itself. I suggest you split this into two sentences.

while she, propped on her elbow, brushed over me suggestively

I'm not sure about how I feel with the "suggestively" part. I mean, I haven't read any of the other chapters (sorry about that) so I could be seeing something that's been already stated, but she's got a knife to his throat. What more could she be doing? Grinding against him? I don't think so.

“Fool.” she called me.

The period within the quotation tags should be a comma.

I sat up some more and rubbed at the spot where the knife had kissed.“I knew that.”

Space is needed between the dialogue and the rest of the sentence.

Okay so was the beginning of this foreplay?! O_o is that how you kids do foreplay nowadays? I approve I'm surprised by that. I was thinking "Oh lord, I've got myself a BDSM novel haven't I?" and then it's revealed that Phoenix was just playing? I'm confused. xD

I'm super surprised her brother was okay with walking in on them like that, looking so provocative. It must have looked like they were doing naughty things. <_< My brother would've flipped tables and kicked the dude's butt. This guy is chill, clearly. Some brother. xD

Your dialogue is awesome, I gotta say. I just adore how smooth it flows! The transitions from one character to the next are also smooth, so that makes the dialogue as a whole easy to read and easy to keep up with. The pacing is steady, both in and out of the dialogue.

Hope that helps. :)


Wriskypump says...

Very helpful, thanks! Oh, her brother would have flipped some stuff, just that the mc is a close friend of his, so... he let it slide. Also, he's not going to be able to tell his sister what she can or can't do. xD but thanks, don't be scared, this is the most deranged chapter by far. :D

User avatar
52 Reviews

Points: 467
Reviews: 52

Sun Apr 27, 2014 9:48 pm
catcha01 wrote a review...

Hey WriskyPump, I'm Catcha01 here with a review.
Okay so first off from what I've read from this chapter the story lime you have sounds captivating and interesting so I commend you for that. I will go back and read the previous chapters that lead up to this one.
Now to the reviewing part:
First off, what audience had you been aiming to appeal for. I write a lot like you with big words like cantankerously and deduced, but a friend of mine explained that there is a time and place. So, like she said there is a time and place in teen fiction I know that I don't enjoy reading words that are so complex that they take away from the story itself. There is a way to display you're great vocabulary a bit more subtly.
Second off, did Phoenix have that machete there with her before she threatened to cut of Rocky's... manhood? If she did and I hadn't read I apologize and if it wasn't mentioned that scene might be clearer if the readers are aware of where it had came from. Very funny and light-hearted scene by the way it was amusing.
Aside from those two things very good job once again. Great grammar and mechanics I believe that if you choose to fix these suggested aspects(which isn't necessarily needed) the story may improve a bit.
Once again great job!
Keep Writing!

Wriskypump says...

Hey thanks! yeah, I understand about how not everyone likes the big words and all, (and it's not that I even use these words very often) I like to challenge myself to find and use new words sometimes, although I'm quite comfortable using most of them. I don't think writing should just be too simple-minded either, so I went totally the other way. Some will like it and some will find it tiring. Can't please everyone, xD. Oh yeah, she did have that machete before, you are very observant, wonderful to have such a reviewer!

Oh no, I’m sorry, you’re under the impression that here on YWS we *help* writers instead of just feeding their gremlin tendencies.
— winterwolf0100