Rainbows were
The lucky ones,
Blessed with
Seven magnificent colors.
Apparently nature decided
To create only one beauty
With an abundance of colors.
.
Poor trees,
Who lose their leaves
In the fall
And become brown,
Or sometimes white.
Then there is marigolds
Which have
Such a absolute orange,
Yet nothing else.
.
Except
Rainbows, who seem
So full of themselves,
Have such a short life span.
They are there
Then suddenly
They start to fade
Each color becoming lighter
And lighter.
Until there is nothing but
The shining blue sky,
With the storm clouds running away.
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Canary word: Present
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125,027 Literary Works • 672,774 Reviews
Hey willow! Thewriter13 here to give a review!
So this poem is off to a great start. You have the concept and the idea here, but you need to proofread and revise a little bit so that it can reach its full potential.
*cracks knuckles* Shall we begin?
Nitpicks!
Okay, so the word "able" here seems to awkward and proper for the poem you have going here. I read it over and over again and it felt wrong on my tongue. I suggest changing it to something that flows better. "Rainbows were the lucky ones, blessed with six magnificent colors." That sounds better, but it's your poem. This was only a suggestion
In every other stanza, you end this last line with punctuation, but not here. Perhaps just an error.
So in a lot of poems, consistency is key for a smooth poem (unless your intentions are for the poem to be rocky and such for feel) but I don't think those are your intentions. In this quote, you have a short line, and then a long line. I suggest to write it with more syllables, just to keep the rhythm smooth. Again, only a suggestion.
What color is that? Why are they only one color? You're not painting enough of an image that I can imagine what you're saying. You need to give more description so the reader can truly feel something. Make me really feel sorry for those poor trees!!
Okay so there are two things happening in these lines. First off, typo!
Second thing, it feels as if you've just put this idea here so it can serve as an example. It doesn't feel important in the poem. So the marigold is orange. Why did you point this out? You bring up an idea, but then you don't explain it well. I'm left wondering if marigolds are really supposed to have more colors. Be more descriptive! Make me feel sad for those orange marigolds
I like this idea of saying pretty things don't always last (nothing gold can stay, am I right?) but it doesn't match up with the rest of the poem. Are the marigolds and trees humble? Do they last long? Because I know leaves wither up at some point, and then they're just these crunchy annoying things. and marigolds die too. So the idea you're pointing out is a lovely one, but what you lead it up to doesn't match it. So I suggest to try incorporating more beautiful things that last long in the poem.
If I've mentioned anything that's been said before, please know I'm just pointing out what stuck out to me
PRAISE PRAISE PRAISE
So, despite the fact there are some things that need to be changed, there are a ton of great things happening!
I love the personification of the rainbow, and how it's stuck up and such. You give it something more than just being a rainbow. This idea is original as well, and I commend you for that! Yay! I especially like the last line of the poem...Good imagery! But why did you word it that way? I can understand you're discussing the fact that storm clouds are gone after a storm...but the way you word it, you make the clouds afraid of the rainbow.
So description is lacking a bit in the poem. Adding more description and imagery can really make the reader enjoy/appreciate the poem more. Plus the message you're conveying would be more powerful.
I hope you find these suggestions helpful! You have a great poem here and I know it will reach its full potential after revising it.
Keep writing!
Thank you!
Here for my first review!
First off, I thought that this piece started off very strong. The phrase "Rainbows were
the lucky ones" really caught my attention and made me want to keep reading. It is a phrase that is open to interpretation, and leaves a lot for the reader to figure out.
Also good was your use of short lines captures how in the moment and finite a rainbow is. Writing a poem about the short life span of something beautiful with extremely long lines simply would not work as well.
The first thing that popped out at me in terms of problems was the first line of the 3rd stanza where you started off with "Except" and nothing more. In some ways it works, but for me it seemed unnecessary. I would recommend that you keep put at least one more word there, maybe "Except Rainbows" or something of that sort.
I feel that your second stanza has a lot more potential for development. "Poor trees" was a good way to accent to sad tone of the poem, but the line "Then there is marigolds" seemed a bit off topic and abrupt. To me it seemed to exit the tone of the poem and become a random aside, like someone casually commenting on the existence of marigolds. I really like the concept though, but the way you introduced it didn't work well for me.
I also recommend separating your stanzas with numbers instead of periods, simply because the periods were sort of hard to see, but if that is your artistic intention, then its perfectly fine.
Overall, good work, and I hope this is a useful review!
Thanks!
The periods were there not to number the stanzas but just to space them out, because the format on here isn't the best. Thanks again!
That makes a lot more sense, actually. I can see how the formatting would be a problem with poetry, where the space between lines can be super important. I'm new here though, so I didn't realize, so thanks for pointing that out.
Nah, its okay. But yea, quite a few people do that
Here to review!
Grammar/Wording:
1st stanza: I thought rainbows had 7 colors? Red, Orange, Yellow, Green, Blue, Indigo, Violet. Roy G. Biv, I guess some people don't count indigo.
2nd stanza: "Then there is marigolds" should be "Then there are marigolds".
And "such a absolute orange" should be "such an absolute orange.
3rd stanza: The way you describe a rainbow fading certainly doesn't sound "suddenly" as you describe in line 6 of stanza 3. So, there's sort of a contradiction to say that something "suddenly starts to fade".
Other Suggestions:
1st stanza: I think you could choose better more descriptive adjective than just saying "many, many colors", you could say there are a plethora of colors, and abundance... just something more original and interesting.
In first stanza it seems like you are describing how rainbows are and how they currently behave so maybe you should change "were" to "are" in the sentence "rainbows were the lucky ones", this sentence just seems like it'd make more sense in present tense.
This poem wasn't super short and I think it's okay the length it is. But it might be interesting to extend it a little to better explain the characteristics of rainbows compared to other things in nature. Also I'm not sure it's the best choice to choose to plants to compare rainbows to; this doesn't really illustrate the diversity of the meaning of the comparison. Instead of trees and marigolds you could replace one with water, mud, fire, refrigerators, squirrels, spiders, the sun... there are a host of other examples that you could use. And it seems like trees are really 2 colors anyways so they may not be the best example (brown & green)
Content/Message:
You certainly picked an interesting topic, and one that has a lot of imagery just built into it. Like Margo said it's a "happy-sad" poem. I like that you don't just go into a cliche rant about how beautiful rainbows are, but you compare it to the other one-noted things in nature.
You had good imagery with a bit of personification thrown in, but I'm not sure I can see any real deeper meaning to the poem. That might just be me though, and maybe with a couple more reads I'd get something. Maybe the poem's meaning has something to do with individuality, and the only thing in nature not owning it's individuality/personality is the rainbow (because it can't choose a color) and this is why it sadly doesn't last long like the flowers and sky who can own their colors. <-- That might be a stretch, but feel free to PM me if there's a greater meaning that I missed.
Good luck in future writing!
Thanks for reviewing! This was very helpful!
You're very welcome!
Hello, Willowpaw. This is Margo here for a review.
You have picked a lovely topic to write about. What's more joyous than a rainbow? Okay...pie is pretty joyous too. I like how this is a happy-sad sort of poem. At first I read this thinking, yeah rainbows. They're pretty and sparkly and come out of a unicorn's butt. Then, you mentioned how they have a short life. Suddenly the poem becomes sad. My favorite line would have to be the last: "with the storm clouds running away." A very nice personification to put the whip cream on top!
Some room for improvement would be in your organization and use of words. You also need to figure out what the purpose of this poem is. It almost seems as though you wrote this poem as a comparison between trees and rainbows. Perhaps your intention is to portray the beauty of nature through words. When you know for certain what this purpose is, experiment with the wording of your lines. Try describing things in different ways. For example: maybe instead of calling a rainbow a rainbow call it something else. Like a "pathway in the sky." Try not to have too much repetition of ideas. In your first stanza you stated twice that rainbows have many colours. Maybe comment on something else about rainbows. Like how it is amazing that so many colours can burst from a clear droplet of water when the sun shines just right. Your organization is actually not bad. First you talk about rainbows, then you comare trees with rainbows and then you rap things up by mentioning rainbows again.
Experiment with new ideas. Try rewriting so that it's only about rainbows and how they are a beautiful but temporary (if you wanna get deep you could compare the short beauty of a rainbow with life and how life is short and beautiful as well). Or, if you are happy with what idea you have going on now, simply play around with wording, flow and stanza organization.
I hope I've helped. If you have any questions or want more help with this, let me know!
A good work is never finished.
Oh my gosh this was so helpful! Thank you so much for taking the time to review!
Glad to be of help!
=^_^=