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Quiet to Explosive

by WillowPaw1


Out of the shield volcano

Comes oozing, thick magma

That crawls slowly down the sides

And hardens on the quiet volcano.

.

Ash, pumice, and lava

Shoots out the top

Of an explosive volcano;

Deadly with its harsh features.


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95 Reviews


Points: 31
Reviews: 95

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Fri Nov 18, 2016 9:14 pm
BeTheChange wrote a review...



Nice poem! I don't tend to like nature poems, but this one was good. I really like that you used "its" rather than "it's" in the last line. Proper grammar is underappreciated and underused, in my opinion, and you nailed it there. The only grammatical problems are that 1. after the word "volcano" in the second stanza, you should have a comma, not a semicolon and 2. Since there are three things in the second stanza---ash, pumice, and lava--the first word in the next line should be shoot instead of shoots.

But overall, this was great. An unexpected gem.




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Sun May 25, 2014 8:41 pm
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Crimsona wrote a review...



Hey there! Crim here to review your poem - and happy review day!

I kind of wanted to review something different, so I had a look at the science poems and here I am!

This is a very simplistic, straight to the point and educational poem. It does exactly as is asked of it. Now, I know that you wrote this as an assignment (I assume a science/geography assignment rather than and english one? Correct me if I'm wrong) so it probably wasn't entirely necessary for you to go overboard with imagery and metaphors, similes etc - however, I think that you could have done so much with this poem if you had added more poetic features to it!

I feel that there isn't quite enough contrast between the two volcanoes - the first is a quite volcano, show that it's quiet! I love the 'crawls slowly down the sides', that personification is absolutely gorgeous and if you could have included more of that sort of thing then it would be really wonderful.
The same for the second stanza, it's EXPLOSIVE! How does the ash, pumice, and lava shoot out? Is it like a cannon? A bright red firework? What devastation does it leave in it's wake? These are all ideas that you could develop if you wanted to come back to this poem in the future and have a tweak around with it.

Overall, I like this poem and grammatically it was flawless. Take care and keep writing,

Crim




WillowPaw1 says...


Thanks~ yeah, it was for science..



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Wed May 14, 2014 11:49 am
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TakeThatYouFiend wrote a review...



There are some bits here that are rather nice, yet still others bits that I feel that you really could improve on. Like 781228 I think a few features to contrast the verses would be nice. Also perhaps a few adjectives and verbs would brighten up this piece, things like "engulfing" or "roaring". A nice comparison to make in the second verse would be one of a wild animal, should you wish.
On the other hand, the last line is fine, and certainly a good line to end on.
Hope this helps,
Take That You Fiend!




WillowPaw1 says...


Thank you for the help! :)



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Wed May 14, 2014 7:13 am
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781228 wrote a review...



I think you delivered what you had to. It was simple and straightforward. I just wished you would expand more on the difference of the two volcanoes. Or is it specified on your science assignment as strictly two verses? It's a great poem as it is anyway.

I also don't see any grammatical errors or wrong word usage. And for that, kudos to you.
All in all, I liked it because you described the two volcanoes perfectly. I usually don't enjoy free verses but I enjoyed yours.

Thank you for this. Keep it up!




WillowPaw1 says...


Thanks!
Yup - only two stanzas, each with four lines.



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Wed May 14, 2014 3:28 am
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GrapeNerd says...



Ooh, nice poem! Very visual, the length helps, too!

I don't really have any nitpicks, it seems to me that this poem was very well written, so kudos! There were no errors that I could find, and your punctuation and grammar is a-plus!

Cheers,
GrapeNerd




WillowPaw1 says...


Thanks!



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Wed May 14, 2014 1:48 am
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QuillFlame22995 wrote a review...



Very nice, and none the worse for its shortness. I quite liked it actually. :D

Nitpicks:
1. In the third line of the first stanza I wouldn't use 'runs' as my word choice. You could make a point of how slow the magma was by using words like: plods, creeps, crawls, saunters, or tip-toes.
2. The first letter of the second line in the second stanza should be capitalized.
3. If you are going to use periods and capitalization, I would suggest that you use other punctuation marks as well. After, "Of an explosive volcano" I believe you should have a colon, as it leads into the next line, which is not quite a sentence of its own.

Otherwise this made me smile, using excellent imagery and comparing the two types of volcanoes in a way that is not overly intrusive to the poem's flow. I would proudly award this seven of ten stars.

~Keep Writing!




WillowPaw1 says...


Thank you!

It was supposed to be short - my science teacher only wanted 2 stanzas, each with 4 lines.



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Wed May 14, 2014 1:46 am
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Midnightrose4 wrote a review...



Hey, here for a review! :)

I really enjoyed this poem. It was very visual for me, which I love to see in poetry. It was beautiful, and the word choice really fit this kind of topic.

"Ash, pumice, and lava

shoots out the top

Of an explosive volcano

Deadly with its harsh features."

I could really see what was happening here, I honestly can't find anything wrong with this. Keep up the good work :)




WillowPaw1 says...


Thank you! Glad to know someone likes it ^_^



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Wed May 14, 2014 1:29 am
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Hannah wrote a review...



Hey, WillowPaw! This seems like a pretty exciting and fun school assignment. Is it for a poetry class or a science class or what? :)

Okay, so the point of the assignment is to describe a quiet volcano and an explosive volcano in different stanzas. Do you have to actually use the words "quiet volcano" and "explosive volcano" IN the poem, as you do now?

I ask because usually images and ideas are much stronger if you let the reader recognize them on their own instead of trying to explain them to the reader. If you've ever heard of "show" versus "tell", that's kind of what I'm getting at. It's like... you're shopping for a computer. And a guy shows you a specific one and says, "This one is SUPER awesome and EVERYTHING you need" -- he's telling you how awesome it is... but you don't really believe it, right? If, instead, he shows you all the functions of the computer, how much memory it has, how you can change the keyboard or rotate the screen or whatever, you're then allowed to -- within your own mind -- match that to what you think is awesome and determine on your own if it's awesome or not. So later, you might think "This one is SUPER awesome and EVERYTHING I need!" but you came to the idea on your own instead of being told.

And again, I'm talking about this, because I think the poem would be stronger if you didn't worry about telling us "this is a quiet volcano" and instead more on showing us what a quiet volcano is. You do well with the oozing magma, but at the same time, I think we generally see the bright red orange color of lava (magma is what's inside the volcano, it becomes lava when it comes out) as something LOUD and not something quiet. Is there another quiet aspect you could find of a volcano? Maybe when it's dormant and not erupting at all? Some image of the hardened lava, a quiet wind blowing over it??

As for the explosive stanza, the main verb you use is "shoots" to try to get the image of the lava spurting up, BUT it turns out "shoots" is kind of a clean verb. Explosions are rough. They have lots of pieces that fly everywhere, right? Shoots makes me think of a straight line and not necessarily the force of an explosion -- maybe there's a better verb for that stanza?



Just so you know, I think what you have here is good. I like that you mention all kinds of materials in the explosion: ash, pumice, and lava -- they are all different textures, so that adds to the rough idea. I just think that if you want to work on this a little more, here are some things you can play with!

PM me or reply to this review if you have any questions or comments, please!

Good luck and keep writing!

Hannah




WillowPaw1 says...


Thank you!
No - I don't have to use the words in my poem. Thanks for te suggestion!
Yeah, it's for science class. :)



Hannah says...


Awesome science class!! Haha, have fun with it. Watch videos of volcanoes for inspiration or something. I've been watching lots of videos from space and it just makes me wanna go study, hahahaha.



WillowPaw1 says...


Haha :P
Okay! Thanks for the helpful review




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