E - Everyone

How We Made The World Just A Little Bit Nicer - Teedum, Teedey! It's Part of the Game We Play!, Episode 10

Later that day, when it had turned slightly dark, GriN, Squirrel, Rylie, Silver Cinder and Burning Aura had reached Eden. The old castle ruins were rustic and quaint and the grass was a dark brown green. The night’s twilight sky was a clear, dark, glowing blue. Quite ordinary in my opinion.

Until the rat scurried in.

GriN was getting her third pasty and a drink from her bag as Rylie leaned peacefully on a ruin nearby. Neu, Silver Cinder and Squirrel were laying by the heat that emGriNted from Beighah when a darkness crept behind GriN.

“Teedum (teedum) Teedey (Teedey),” A hushed, nazely voice began chanting quietly, slowly rising in volume as the words went on. “a tiddley-dum tee-day! We march (we march) along (along); It’s part of the game we play! Teedum -”

“(teedum) Teedey (Teedey) The words are easy to say! Just a tiddley-dum ta tiddley-dum tee-day!” GriN had begun joining in with the obnoxious song that Teedey had begun singing, but only when they finished the chorus, did GriN turn to her duet partner. “Hu- WOAHOAH!” GriN pushed herself backward in sudden fright. Teedey had crept up on her quite suddenly and was smiling devilishly at her. “STAY. BACK.” She held her hands in front of her as the skinny Earth Skunig cackled.

“Shh... You might wake up the sun.” Teedey teased creeping closer. GriN scrambled back again.

“Rylie!” GriN cried. Rylie laughed a bit. He seemed completely used to the company of the older Skunig. GriN squealed with her mouth closed and hid herself behind her limbs.

“Teedey, stop being a freak.” Squirrel called over from his comfortable laying position across from Beighah’s fire.

“Okay…” He said soothingly leaning back, letting GriN uncurl slightly. “PSYC!” He shouted shooting himself a centimeter from GriN’s face.

“Aaa-”

“AURRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAUUUUGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!” Burning Aura sprung to his feet and growled possessively over her. He didn’t not get closer than 2 meters to anyone but the threat was still there and he grunted at the dark grey skinned Teedey. Who had leaned back and given a coldly unaffected sneer. There was a long tense pause and the air was still. Squirrel and Rylie lifted themselves, shocked by the sudden, unnecessary aggression. Teedey stared intimidatingly into the dragon’s eyes mocking him. This clearly annoyed Beighah and he leaned down ready to pounce when;

“GRAUGHEIGH, BEIGHAH.” Rylie had put himself directly in front of Burning Aura to shield Teedey and had made Beighah stop completely. Rylie just stood there in front of him, fully aware that if he had came any loser, the ginger haired skunig would’ve been severely burnt. Rylie’s expression had no fear. Not a bit; and he didn’t need to sneer to make it apparent. He didn’t even look mad.

Humorously, Squirrel laid back down giving Rylie a thumbs up. Or maybe he gave Beighah a thumbs up. For all I know, it at least meant that he approved of what had taken place. Beighah’s expression calmed into a more grumpy than angry expression as he retreated and fell heavily to the ground. GriN gazed at Rylie so amazed, Teedey and Beighah’s confrontation hadn’t surprised her that much, but to her, Rylie didn’t come across as a confident type. He wasn’t. So what could that act have been described as? Stupidity? Maybe. Bravery?...Maybe. She hadn’t a clue, though I sensed that he had a strong and healthy sense of morality about him, and Teedey, however dislikeable, was one of his elders. Whom he was taught to protect.

“Well…” Teedey hissed as he put on hand on GriN’s shoulder. Suddenly, his disapproving expression became a twisted grin and he seeped into the darkness that surrounded them, taking GriN with him.

He had taken her into his own dimension. Which was just black to begin with, but with time, what looked like a background, grew white stripes. Making it look like a prison outfit. It shook from side to side and made loud metal clanging noises. Screams came from nowhere, but the most haunting thing to GriN was the eyes. Teedey’s eyes. Which were staring directly into her consciousness.

“Why are you not afraid?” Teedey whispered, and it was so detectable that she could hear it over the screams. GriN gulped.

“...I am,” She said, desperately staring back into his eyes.

“No you’re not; if you were scared you wouldn’t have replied so quickly!” Teedey snapped, his eyes redening with annoyance.

“If I weren’t a’fraid, I wun’t be avoidin’ the surroundin’s by keepin’ hold a’ya eyes.” She replied determined.

“Perhaps you are afraid. An afraid person. Who’s afraid of this place, but you’re not afraid of me.” He spat, sounding insulted. They were still staring into each other’s eyes; it was the only way for GriN to block out what was around her. GriN just pulled a face that told him “You’re wrong.” and he felt obliged to reply. “You’ve never been. You’re afraid of this;” He referenced to his horrible body. “I’m too vulnerable looking for you. Too helpless. Are you afraid that at any moment I could drop down dead?”

GriN was silent and stared confused into Teedey’s soul. She blinked as Teedey waited patiently for an answer. Unlike the previous time, he could not tell what she was thinking. She gulped.

“I dunno.” GriN supposed that he could be right, but she had never actively thought of those things. She guessed that he did just disgust her. She didn’t dislike his presence just hated looking at him. She guessed he was right. “I guess yer right.”

He smiled at her and nodded slowly.

“I am.” He said seductively walking closer, almost touching her. She didn’t step back, but she tensed and closed her eyes, taking in the screams. “Look at me,” he instructed, tilting her chin upwards. She reopened her eyes and scowled slightly. “I’m going to test you…”Opposite” or “Nicest”. So don’t move.” He grunted as his eyes thinned and his mouth began to open, wider and wider, as it looked like it were to engulf her completely. A hissing noise grew louder and louder and several sprouted and spitting tongues vigorously darted at her. She shut her eyes and stepped back.

“Eurgh!” GriN groaned, the hissing stopped as she opened her eyes. Teedey was shaking his head.

“Completely naeve. You have nothing.” He put one of his arms around the back of her and grabbed her shoulder from behind. Then they were dragged back, GriN found herself behind one of the ruins of Eden, about a football field away from where Beighah once laid. They seemed to be searching for her, running around calling her name. “I should go now. They seem pretty upset.” With one last grin, he fell back into the darkness, leaving GriN to run through the abandoned night to her kidnapper.

“GriN!” Squirrel and Rylie were calling, fairly calm.

“Groagh!!?!?”

“Prrrrrrruuuugh?”

“Squawk!”

GriN saw them through a hole in the ruin she was behind. She stumbled around it and ran over to them. When she had gotten to them, the most relieved member of the group was surprisingly Beighah who had given her the most desperate look, only to turn away sadly. It once again made her think of how he had never and couldn’t have been hugged or patted on the back or even touched. Whoever touched him got hurt badly, but oddly this made GriN happy. Happy at the thought that soon, she would be able to hug and pat the fiery dragon. Ride him even! She had already witnessed how protective he was of her. And there was a large fascination between the two.

After an hour of chatting over ridiculous nonsense, GriN, Rylie, Silver, Neu and Burning Aura had gone to sleep. Squirrel had also tried to, but his shadow was disturbing him. Very literally.

“No.” Squirrel whispered firmly to the shadow. He had been the only one to sleep in a tent, and so the shadow was able to lean over him against the tent wall. It then waved it’s arms desperately, lifting Squirrel’s personal bag from it’s shadow, making it seem to hover, and chucking it stubbornly on him. “Look - you know my intentions! I don’t wanna dig a deeper hole than i’m already in; I’m doing all of this to get out!” He told the shadow fiercely in a hushed tone. To this, the shadow crossed its arms distastefully, shaking its head all the while. “Well...What did you think!?!?” This annoyed the shadow and his arms flailed aggressively, pointing to GriN and referencing to him. Squirrel considered it and nodded. “Well, I suppose…” He began, peering darkly at the bag. He blinked roughly and shook his head at the thought of pulling out his, still bloody, knife. “But still!!! You know why I did that, so stop tryin’ to screw me over!”

If I were to observe anything, it would be the selfishness of the man’s intentions. He believed that he were doing good. I do not encourage the good things, but I can still distinguish it from the bad...Which this man seemed unable to do, and one could only feel sorry for him. The shadow pestered the man and threw around the bag for a while, Squirrel had thought to turn the light off a few times when he was repeatedly reminded that the light was coming from Beighah. Squirrel sighed, looking through the wall of the tent at everything outside. All his responsibility. He rubbed his eyes and his head fell into his arms hopelessly.

*thump*

His head rose at the sound of a light, but close thud. His expression grew fed up; it was the knife. After jiggling the bag around enough, the shadow must’ve been able to make the knife’s shadow show. The man looked at it consideringly and blinked slowly. Of all the times I didn’t want Teedey around, he thought, knowing that a presence like Teedey’s would free him from his pest of a shadow.

With fairly quick judgment, the man snatched the knife and stabbed it through both his shadow - which, of course, did nothing to the shadow - and the tent wall. Ferociously, he sliced and shredded his tent, making his shadow fade off along the ground. Taking deep angry breathes, his shredded tent fell to his feet. He didn’t acknowledge it though, he just glared angrily at the extra layer of darkness that coated the Earth and threw the knife into the soil of Eden. He looked at it briefly and sighed.

“It better not rain.” He mumbled quietly to himself. 

Comments & reviews · 2
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Carlito
Review
Carlito wrote a review · Sun Jun 26, 2016 1:01 am

Hello and happy review day! :D I apologize that I haven't read the previous installments, but let's get this out of the green room, shall we.

Okay. After my first read-through I'm a bit confused. I'm sure part of the problem is that I'm coming into this story late. However, I have a couple of big picture thoughts that might help as well.

First, I'm concerned that you have too many characters. Right from the beginning you name five characters and then there's also the narrator and there was a dragon and a man there at the end. (Is that everyone?) It was really hard for me to keep track of everyone and remember what everyone's role is. Again, I'm sure part of the problem is that I'm coming in late and I didn't meet all of these characters the way you intended. But I would do some thinking about your characters. Think about each of them individually and figure out what their purpose is in the story. What can they alone bring to this story that absolutely no other character could bring? If there is overlap in purpose or you can't think of the purpose, that's a sign that they can be cut. (And cutting characters is painful, I know, but sometimes it has to be done). Then think about which characters need to be in each scene (this will start to bleed into the second thing I want to talk about). What are they going to bring or add to this scene that absolutely no other character could do? How are they going to advance the plot, or what important thing are we going to discover because of them? If they don't have a purpose, they don't need to be in that scene.

Why is having fewer characters sometimes better? For one, it helps the reader keep everything straight and remember who is who and what they're doing. It also gives you the space and the opportunity to really develop each character over the course of the story and give everyone a story line and a personality and what not. I've found that having more characters makes it really hard to do this and I at least usually end up with a bunch of really flat characters. You don't want that, you want dynamic characters. :)

Second, a lot of different things seem to happen in this chapter and I'm not sure how they're all connected. There's this fun conversation with the characters you listed, then there's a dragon, then there's this man. I started to feel a little lost. (Again, I could easily be missing something by coming in late). But one thing you think about is what your overall goal is with this chapter. In one sentence, how is the plot advancing in this chapter? What are the characters doing that is advancing them towards their goal, keeping them from their goal, or increasing the stakes surrounding their goal? That should be the focus of the chapter. Once you have that figured out, develop that and show that and take your reader on a ride surrounding that idea. Character development comes in around that, but without losing too much sight of what the focus is for that chapter.

You have writing basics down and I thought each individual component of this chapter was interesting. I think you could have something cool here and I hope you continue working on it! Please let me know if you have any questions or if anything I said was confusing! :D

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Yitzu Review
Yitzu wrote a review · Sat Apr 16, 2016 5:45 pm

Alright, so, first of all- I want to congratulate you on this piece of work. Its good. ~

Though, some of your sentences are mediocre and I feel as if more emotion should be brought into how each one of your characters is feeling. I'm not sure if you're trying to make them passive, or what. It's always important to incorporate some sentimental thought from the characters or narrators tone.

I've spotted many unnecessary commas and you could revise the sentences to be stronger, but overall - it's good.

Keep up the good work,

Yitzu.

Thanks you very much! :D Am working on emotion currently and will go over the sentences! Thank you for picking that out! :)



if you're going to commit food crimes be civilized
— Moonlily