The shadow had been driving all night over risky bridges, mountains, ice, pretty much anything the man would avoid.
He grinned as he purposefully ran over a particularly sharp split in the road, which to his content, crashed and scraped against the front of the car. His shoulders nodded as he snickered, but the smile left when it realised that it was becoming day, the kind of day that had no true light...which meant no true shadows. It was slightly foggy, but generally grey. All the shadow’s control would go...
Oh gosh, the shadow thought. It was getting anxious. It needed to get the man to wake up! tHe shadow waved its arms around furiously. Pressed against the shadow of the wheel to activate the horn, but he did not wake!
The shadow was fading fast...He had to...Urgh!
CRASH! The shadow aggressively turned the wheel, driving the van face first into a tree. The impact wasn’t too large, but the damage done was decent. Luckily they had gotten close to where they needed to be.
The man fell into the airbag. Lucky for him, Neu flew through the windscreen and was splatted against the tree bark. Ana was thrown sprawled against the side of the van.
The man growled turning to his shadow who managed to give an unsure shrug before fading away completely. There was no sense of loss; he was bound to be back again..
Neu frowned feeling he’d been woken up horribly. He growled annoyed.
“I’ll check on the girl,” The man told Neu plainly as he hopped out of the now windowless front door and slid open the back ones. He stepped back surprised. She was in a very odd position with her legs hanging backwards over her head. “You alive?”
She didn’t seem to be in any condition to communicate at that time. She made very unhappy , distressed and exhausted noises. The man left the doors open for a while as he got all of the bags out of the car. Neu flopped off of the tree and fell with a splat onto the ground. He growled and shook his head.
“Squawk!!!” He accused the man. The man nodded sarcastically in reply as he flung a huge backpack over his shoulder and threw one at Ana. She looked at it and mumbled feeling absolutely unable to do anything. Neu felt the same as he groomed his ruffled feathers.
Ana slowly lifted herself and flopped heavily from the van. She grabbed the backpack and hauled it over her shoulder. She then remembered what hell her life may have become and looked fearfully at the man.
Where am I? Why are we ‘ere? What did ‘e nap me for? She thought nervously. She supposed she should ask, knowing that she hadn’t really been able to comprehend anything that had happened. She strolled over to him.
“Uh...Ye’h. I’m alive,” She told him awkwardly. The man, predictably, towered way over the Ana, and gave her a very disgusted look.
“Great.” He said plainly. She was unsure whether he was being sarcastic or not, but she took it as him being his own version of friendly, and this made her far less tense.
“...Uh, where a’ we?” She asked feeling slightly more comfortable. He never looked at her, and so she decided not to try and make eye contact with him.
“We’re in a forest. On a large rocky mountain.” He told her simply. She frowned at him feeling pretty unsatisfied with his answer.
“Well...What a’ we doin’ then!?!” She asked irritated. Stomping with her shoulders hunched pulling the backpack higher up her back. His eyes then made contact with hers in a form of a sharp glare. She curled slightly in scared response.
“Do you believe in mythology?” The man asked calmly. She looked confused.
“Well..it sound like a propah’ fancy word! Not sure I know what it mean…” She replied loudly.
“Dragons, elves, dwarves…” He looked forward to Neu, referring to him. Her eyes had already grown wide as she did not expect a kidnapper to care much for fantasy. She admitted, though, she did love it! “Griffons…” To this, her eyes followed his and she was paused in her tracks. Her jaw fell wide open. Griffons...were….
“WOOOOOOOOOOOAH!!! AHAHA!!!! WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!?!?” She made several shocked, confused, upset, happy and excited noises. It was pretty overwhelming for the man. She jogged on the spot weirdly and did a strange dance to reassure herself. She then proceeded to an odd version of the shuffle whilst pulling a very masculine face. The man stopped confused.
“What the hell are you doing?” He asked tiredly. She carried on dancing which in away answered his question. Although, she just sort of ignored him. He rolled his eyes and carried on walking.
“You ‘ave a griffon.” She repeated as she skipped over to catch up with him. The man mumbled a yes. “That's pretty crazy!” She sounded very excited.
“Yeah.” He replied moodily. “What’s your name?” His voice didn’t sound interested, just like he needed to know something.
“Ana.” She replied plainly. “What yours?” To this, the man scowled aggressively at her. She frowned “Well, what’s the griffon’s then?” She asked.
“Neu.” He replied.
“Aww!That’s a nice name, innut!” She smiled at the griffon. She chuckled as the griffon waddled around the place like a dog. He occasionally would chase a leaf or his tail. Ir trip over a twig, but it was ever so cute. Ana looked slyly at the man. “Immuna give ya a name!” She said as his eyes widened in dread. Ana pondered a moment. He was eating walnuts...and that had given Ana a great idea for his name. “Squirrel! Ya like walnuts like a squirrel likes walnuts so ya name’ll be Squirrel! Z’at a’right?”
“I…”
“Good!” She beamed triumphantly. She looked to him in an odd way. “I like you,” She told him sincerely. They exchanged an approving nod. “But I don’t understand why ya kidnapped me ‘a bring me here.” She said with a frown.
“I s’pose I should explain.” The newly named “Squirrel” began. “I’m not just...Some sicko.” He paused thinking about his words. “Well...I am...but not to you. I didn’t kidnap you for the normal sick reason. I chose you cause I was sent on a mission by...a few different members, to find a creature called “T.N’s” opposite. The opposite that he titles “The Nicest” - which isn’t necessarily accurate - is the only one who can defeat her - T.N. Anyway; I think you’re the opposite. Or…”The Nicest”.” He managed to make that sound boring somehow. Ana was a bit confused.
“Who’s T.N?” She asked slightly annoyed looking.
“The “Nastiest” - which isn’t accurate. She’s just very bad.” He repeated.
“And I’m her opposite…”The Nicest” - which isn’t accurate?” She asked. Squirrel nodded.
“Well, I think so.” he told her glumly.
“What does she do? T.N?” Ana asked.
“She just...makes people do those small, unnecessary things that don’t really mean anything but can hurt others.” He explained.
“Oh. I see,” She said plainly. “And I always held humans responsible for their own actions…” Squirrel wondered if she was being passive aggressive. Goodness... he thought. “Is bein’ nasty really a big deal though?” Ana asked, looking up enquiringly.
“I suppose not. It’s not for me to say. Although, I know both why it is a bigger issue than you think and why you see it as pointless. All that has been revealed to me is that...” The man paused and thought, his eyes darted slightly as he tried to gte a grip of wat he was about to say. “Earth lives on energy. From the sun and us from food. T.N uses more energy up than most other corrupting bodies. That’s not always a problem…but she uses it up negatively and that’s what is concerning. Energy doesn’t come back. WE definitely cannot make it. We can be given it, it came from somewhere but it cannot be made. Not by the sun, stars, Earth…”
The girl looked thoughtfully at the ground and her pace slowed, causing her to fall behind the man. Pausing, to think it through, she didn’t seem to move and a few moments later, Squirrel had to turn back just to make sure that she was there.
“Oi!” he called over to her. Her head rose suddenly, and his coaxing forced her to put the situation in the back of her mind. “You coming?”
She nodded and jogged over to him, beginning to look around, realising something mildly unusual.“Gosh, it’s gettin’ awful dark the farther we go in’o this forest.” She said scared. Squirrel had only just noticed that. She was right. I was getting really dark, but it was morning. It couldn’t have gotten that dark...Something wasn’t right…
“You’re right...Too dark.” He narrowed his eyes. Squirrel knew exactly who was close by. “Neu! Get by me!” He called. Ana looked at him terrified.
“Why!?!?!? What’s hap’nin’?!?!” She asked terrified, hiding behind him, grabbing onto the back of his backpack. He looked behind himself, down at her.
“Don’t worry, he’s not that bad,” Squirrel told her.
“Who!?!?” She squealed really very afraid.
“Me.” A nazely voice called from a nearby tree. Ana slowly looked around Squirrel to see what was speaking and when she did, she quickly hid behind him again. A sickly thin, dead looking person, with dark grey skin, worn red eyes, a protruding ribcage, pelvis and collarbone and a rats tail stared into their souls from the darkness hiding all but him. He had spiked hair growing atop his shoulders and hellish head, it grew down the bridge of his nose. His dark grey skin was a tissue thin, making large blue arteries slightly visible. His hands and feet had long, sharp, dirty nails growing inches from the ends of his finger and toe tips. Every breathe the creature took was internally visible. It was the most disgusting sight known to man. It chuckled visibly vibrating his internal organs in a sick happy. Then with a quick dash, it was beside him.
“Did I scare you?” He whispered slowly, appearing around one side of Squirrel to talk to Ana. He was only half an inch taller than her, but still pretty freaky.
“Ahh!” She stumbled backwards to hide from him at another angle of Squirrel.
“I’m awfully sorry.” It then cackled joyfully. Squirrel turned to face the creature aggressively, to which the rat like thing hunched feeling slightly intimidated.
“What are you doing here, Teedey?” Squirrel began. “Cos if you’re here just to scare her, that's a pretty pathetic way to get your sick rush.” Squirrel looked tiredly at the creature he called Teedey. Who he appeared to know.
Teedey backed up. “Calm down… “Squirrel”” He mocked rather cleverly. It made Squirrel feel slightly sheepish. “I’m just here coz you know how much I love you!” Squirrel frowned disgusted at the rat.
“You weren’t sent by T.N?” He asked firmly. Teedey just chuckled menacingly. “Huh!?” He repeated.
“No…” Teedey shook his head calmly and patronising. Squirrel trusted Teedey for some reason. “Also, because I’m a bit of a fortune teller, i’m here to warn you!”
“Of what?” Squirrel asked irritated.
“Well...First of all, I’m gonna tell you to trust no one - always be expecting the worst. Second...Keep trying.” Teedey whispered sickly with a twisted grin that revealed his rotting teeth and gums. This made Squirrel suddenly angry.
“Wh-What do you mean?!? Are you saying she isn’t the one!?!?!” He almost began to yell.
“I wasn’t talking to you.” Teedey stated plainly. Squirrel paused and relaxed. He turned to look at Ana. Teedey stared her way as well. Even Neu was looking at her through his paws. She looked nervously at the three.
Teedey began walking slowly and then almost teleported to be right in front of Ana, who was frozen in place by an overwhelming fear. He leaned into her ear.
“How does it feel knowing that you…” He looked meaningfully at her with a cruel smile. “...have one of the lamest natures in existence?”He finished. Even I couldn’t tell if that was a question or not. She gulped.
“Feels good,” She choked. He laughed, eyes widening, like they were to engulf her soul.
“Well...Seems I’ve scared you enough...Remember what I told you, and you’ll do just fine…” He began walking away, but paused and turned back to look at them. “Even when you think it’s done...It’s never over.” With that, he dashed away, through the trees and over bushes. And with him, the darkness trailed away with him.
“I will.” Ana replied after the now gone Teedey. Neu got out from his curled up position as the sky brightened, lighting the forest slightly more, not enough to bring back Squirrel’s shadow, but enough to show Teedey was gone. But he would be back - like darkness itself would be back. Darkness is never gone for long.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,814 Reviews
Hey Waddlers,
This is me getting around to it. I had to reread ch 2 to remind myself about shadow.
As you know me by now I’ll just review it from the top as I’m reading it.
“Ana...well, she was thrown about a bit.” This stands out from the rest of your writing because you are speaking as a narrator to the audience. A sentence to establish what state she is in would be nice after this eg; she was sprawled against the right door of the van and had dinted its side with her knee. It would shortly show a nasty bruise. Or she was sprawled against the right door of the van but still sleeping. This would SHOW us what state she was in.
Remember to make her limp if you give her bruises. Then they can go blue the next day.
There was no sense of loss when he left as he was bound to be back again. “When he left as” are all superfluous words. “There was no sense of loss; he was bound to be back again.” Gets the point across more firmly and is more ominous.
I like this part it made me smile “She made several shocked, confused, upset, happy and excited noises. It was pretty overwhelming for the man. She jogged on the spot weirdly and did a strange dance to reassure herself.”
“Although, I suppose she just sort of ignored him.” Again this is written straight from the narrator to the audience. I feel like you should either make a thing of this, as in frame the episodes as some one telling the story, or cut it out.
Ana changes her mood lots particularly in this chapter from frightened, happy, grumpy, inquisitive to cross. While I think this is part of her character, it prevents the reader feeling them with her as just as they are staring to relate to feeling …… they are asked to feel something else. Try keeping the emotions to a MAXIMUM of three per episode. However feel free to use multiple words and like clauses to describe them.
I like your description of Teedey.
You have finished on “For now.” Which is an example of common used fore shadowing similar to the one I think I forgot to pointed out in episode 4 “And little-did-She-know”, my personal opinion they are unnecessary and while their aim is to try to add drama they fail this because they have been used so many times.
Your lay out in this is odd as each paragraph is only about two sentences. Try giggling it around so you have paragraphs roughly linked by being part of the same mini scene.
You already know I’m enjoying reading your episodes but I wanted to say your story is really unique which is cool. There aren’t parts where I go oh, this is like a book I read, Divergent warning! Or, hmm another love poem. Happy Christmas-eve and write more soon! I’ve sent you a few points as a present.
You educate me really well on writing; if you review every chapter I write, I think we may as well say we BOTH wrote it!! XD It really is appreciated and I make sure to change and go over the parts you mention, same will go for these!
I'm really glad that made you smile! I'm not sure why, but Ana is slightly changed from the way I first wrote her. She's become an empty seeming, odd person. As if nothing fully triggers any emotion. It's really weird...BUT it makes me laugh sometimes when I picture it in my head XD
I think I'll cut it out. The whole idea of having an narrator instead of swapping views A MILLION TIMES, I hope, has improved the story. I'll get on that emotion count and reel it in!
That description of Teedey came from freakin' HELL!!! Or Gahanocus *swag face* and I'm very glad that you like it!
Okay, I'll change them. The whole point of this is that it gives a new or unique ..."vibe" anyway.
Oh *looks at written page* Damn, it is! I can see a few places already where I can put together different sections together so hopefully if you ever come across this again it will be a whole lot better.
I'm REALLY glad you're telling me this!!! I started thinking about this when I was 13 which was two years ago, and since I'm not overly focused on school (I do my homework but that's pretty much it), I have quite a bit of time thinking about it! By thinking about I really mean thinking - I don't sit by a computer screen forcing things out. When I get the words in my head, I write them. But if it takes too long, of course I have to make myself be more focused on that certain part. So much has changed and developed! So many things added! I had a nightmare a man took me and in my head I kept the idea there that he did it coz he needed me (the appearance is what Squirrel is actually based off of, but Squirrel is lankier and more intelligent looking. The man in my nightmare sort of what just the pick up guy and there was an old lady who seemed to be the mastermind. He didn't get to kidnap me as I locked myself in the toilet, but then they were all in our garden and my mum and grandad told me to say hello. :c ) and the next day I drew a really magical looking pony and I called it the Vulnerable (they all had the's at that time instead of just Ana but I then realised that it wasn't realistic or relatable really and wanted to bring it down to Earth) I put the ideas together along with myself as a character and I got the idea that a geeky guy, Squirrel, an old lady and a girl had to return the vulnerable back to it's parents. I then decided that nice-ness was really underrated and no one bothers to emphasize it's importance. I made the bad guys the nastiest and Teedey was originally the natsiest, then the sickliest, now the darkest - but I don't use those anymore however it's where his name came from. The vulnerable pony was replaced by Neu and I had the idea that Squirrel just wanted to defeat T.N. not return Neu...However that objective sometimes seems a little raw to me. So I may change it...
ANYWAY
Thank you!! You're too kind!! Really - TOO kind!! It's appreciated as ever and have a very Merry Christmas!!!! ^U^
I'm pleased you are finding my reviews useful, sometimes I worry they come across as too negative
I think you may find that sticking to fewer emotions and allowing them to develop will fix that thing with Ana feeling a bit empty. Interesting to know more about the origin of the story. It sounds like it has come a long way. Dreams can be the best inspiration. Oh cool a new chapter I%u2019ll go and check it out!
Yay!!! I'll have to leave a review till tomorrow but great chapter.
Thank you! Cannot wait to read your review!
Hi Waddlers!
This was an awesome chapter! Great job! I really liked how you developed your characters more. It made them interesting and unique. Side note but Ana kind of reminds me of Pollyanna. (If you don't know who that is it is fine. She plays a game where she turns all negative things into positive things) Anyway, I don't have critique really for this one. Great job!
Thank you!!! And no, I had NO IDEA who Pollyanna was! But that's nice to know! ^U^ Glad you liked it and I WILL GET AROUND TO THE DRAWING!!! Have you posted any more?
No, not yet unfortunately. Sorry!