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How We Made The World Just A Little Bit Nicer - Uncontrollable, Episode 8

by Waddlers

Her heart sped as the phone rang. Picking it up, she realised with anticipation that it was the police.

“Hello?!” She asked frantically, playing nervously with her hair and tapping her foot anxiously on the floor.

“Sergeant Colbern of the Norfolk County Police,” The deep, emotionless voice spoke as the concerned Mother nodded impatiently. “Is this Carlie Faber of 3, Poethlyn Drive?”

“Yes!” The Mother, Carlie, exclaimed desperately waiting for the news.

“You’ll be pleased to know that we found a van that meets your description has been found 840 miles from you,” This both relieved and concerned Carlie as her brain brought up several questions. She began pacing around the room. Was Ana found there? Does it have anything to do with Ana? 840 miles seemed way too far to have travelled in just over a day. Or less! If no one was found, how long had it been abandoned?

“Do you know if that’s the one?” She asked, refraining herself from screaming, stopping to lean on the side and tapping her fingers uncontrollably on it.

“I’m not sure, we are having some professionals in to detect your daughter or anyone else’s DNA. However, I’m not sure it would be a good thing. The vehicle is crashed into a tree, the windscreen has been smashed through and there is blood on the glass.” Colbern’s words stressed Carlie to the fullest.

“Well, it can’t be! It was 840 miles away! It’s been just over a day!” Carlie told both herself and the sergeant exasperated.

“Well, ma’am, that would amount to 14 hours of driving at the average speed of 60 miles per hour. It isn’t that far out of the question.” The unaffected sergeant hushed in a matter of fact tone. This sentence alone made tears breach at the corners of Carlie’s eyes and her hands began to shake and her whole self sunk.

“Well, call me back if you find anything else. Thank you.” Finishing these words triggered a large saddened scream as she threw the house phone against the kitchen floor. She wiped her eyes shakily and went to pick up her mobile phone to tell the rest of the family. Within half an hour, Ana’s Grandfather, Carlie’s Father, called.

“But we don’t know! WE DON’T KNOW!!!” Carlie squealed in response to something her Dad had said. Isabelle walked in to this and frowned deeply. It was a hopeless feeling. Still her mind told her, as her Mother screamed across the phone, that there was still a lot of hope for them. She reminded herself that it had only been a little over a day. The fuss her Mother was making made her feel weak. Physically. So as she fell onto the floor in a daze, her Mother was ultimately reminded to keep herself controlled for her other child. That she still has and should appreciate all the more.

A small ambulance came quickly and laid Isabelle on the floor safely, trying to recover her consciousness. Carlie stared helplessly at her strong, happy, intelligent daughter laying on the floor lifelessly. Her world was falling apart bit by bit. And that this pace, by the end of the week, there would be nothing left of their family. 

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28 Reviews

Points: 238
Reviews: 28

Tue Mar 29, 2016 2:09 pm
Ivywater wrote a review...

Hello, Ivywater here to bring your chapter out of the dreaded Green Room!
This was a very interesting chapter and just as FeatherPen said below me, you might want to start it off saying Ana's mother's heart sped, so we get a clear idea of who it is.

The unaffected sergeant hushed in a matter of fact tone.

Normally matter of fact is written as matter-of-fact, it's just a suggestion though.

That's really all I can find that hasn't been already pointed out, so, good job!

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77 Reviews

Points: 5851
Reviews: 77

Fri Feb 05, 2016 8:44 am
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FeatherPen wrote a review...

Hello Waddlers, As always jumping straight in

Try starting the chapter off with Ana’s mother’s heart sped. To tell us who it is straight up. I like to use the character’s name at the beginning of each scene/chapter/episode, paragraph and scattered in-between especially when you are dealing with more than one character. Once you have established who it is then you can use he/she/they.

“This both relieved and concerned” is telling try “her brain flared with questions and she begun pacing the (insert three/four word description of room)” with emotions showing is particularly important. This is a chance for you to build on you scene setting by adding little details of character interaction.

While I have never been involved with a kidnaping I did do a course on forensics (which was very fun and totally just the very basics) and when talking about such things there are certain phrases that are used. Talking as “we” not “I” and using “DNA analysis” rather than “having some professionals in to detect your daughter or anyone else’s DNA.”

It is part of the polices job to try and reassure the affected so they might not include the detail of the blood rather generalise, eg “the vehicle has been in a crash which smashed the windscreen, however there are no casualties.” Perhaps he would be the one to end the conversation with “we will keep you up dated”
If you are interested watch a crime stopper or forensics TV episode for lingo and procedures. Most of them are fairly good just over dramatized.

I think you can draw a more powerful scene where Isabelle faints. Often before someone faints their vison grows cloudy and then they collapse. Show charlie’s reaction as she hears/sees Isabell faint. Often in a medical emergency bystanders panic before realising they should phone for help. If she has just fainted it would be likely that she wakes before the ambulance gets to the house. Ambulances take at least ten mins to reach the scene and a fainting spell over a few mins is rather serious. If you are wanting a hospital scene then have her hit her head then suffer concussion which may keep her unconscious until the ambulance arrives. ... s/fainting has some basics on fainting.

It would be nice to see the entire episode of this happening (because I want more of your writing and think you will pull it off well).

Some more details you may like to know; if you call emergency they will keep you on the phone until the ambulance arrives they get address and other details and are trained to calm people down. they may have got Charlie to check for a pulse and breathing, possibly if she was calm enough to do so put Isabel in a recovery position after making sure Isabel had no spinal injury. If Isabell recovers before the ambulance arrives the medics may arrive and asses her and leave with some advice like having some water and staying seated for a while, going to a doctor if it happens again ect…
my knowledge is only based on a first aid certificate so you may need to do some of your own reserch.

Writing this out will truly show us Ana’s mother’s realisation that she must stay strong.
It is nice to see the family’s side of the story but I think this chapter would benefit from a more realistic portrait of the police and ambulance service.
The reactions of both Ana’s mother and sister are perfect with the mix of worry and hope and general upheaval and as always I’m excited to see where it goes.

P.S if the police are involved you will have to clear this up at the end. The case will not end with Ana getting back as they will want to question her and will probs not believe an explanation involving mole hotels and dragons!

PPS I never thought that forensics would come in handy and am pleased that it is only stories I am doing first aid on! :-)

PPPS HIGH FIVE because I forgot it at the begining

Waddlers says...


Thank you for your forensic skills! And yeah, wrapping it up is gonna be veeeeeeeeerrrrry interesting!!! I, OBVIOUSLY, have no knowledge of that stuff (LOL) so am EXTREMELY thankful for your help!! !:D

Gosh, make this a whole episode?!?! XD I ACCEPT YOUR CHALLENGE FEATHER!!!! :D

As always, THANK YOU FOR REVIEWING!! Thank you for the help with emotions; even though, as you said, i'm getting better, I never would have if it wasn't thanks to you!!! :D

ANOTHER HIGH FIVE!!! LOL Doing first aid on stories - I get it!!! XD

I always like to look on the optimistic side of life, but I am realistic enough to know that life is a complex matter.
— Walt Disney