Once upon a time, - yes...I will use “once upon a time”! Which is Something no one has done for a while. Anyway, Once upon a time, - that time being September 26th 2013 - there was a girl. She was watching TV, which isn’t very odd, or good, or bad! She had the boring dark brown hair, dark brown eyes combo, with a typical head, a typical body - for a dwarf! - and a typical face. The blush on her fairly pale cheeks darkened her hair , eyes and eyebrows more. Her thick black framed glasses were also fairly contrasted.
She stared casually at the screen as the news show came on. This time of year, she found she could see into the near future - as could most - as she knew it would rumble...
“Police are baffled as an incident - similar to two cases made on the same day for the past two years - aroused last night. Investigators say that -”
“It’s the same guy doin’ all this!!!” The girl stated shocked in her slightly Norfolk accent, as if she thought she was the first to realise. With this new-found knowledge, her jaw began to drop, and her eyebrows rose. She shot up and ran in a small quick circle. She gasped. “Muuuuuummm!!!”
As she ran out of the room to where her Mother would mercilessly reveal to her that she was idiot, the TV continued monotone. As if this report was a mere routine...A report reporting that a child somewhere was stolen, in the same way, with the same circumstances, on the same day, showing the same van as the incident occurring over the past two years. Maybe this time, they’d find the culprit...Or maybe he, or she, would never be caught.
...But that would be terrible, wouldn’t it?
…
Anyhow...like most children, that 13 year old girl was soon sent to bed. She stomped heavily, not grumpily, up the stairs to the room she shared with her little sister Isabelle. She had honey brown hair, wore grey glasses and was soon to be 10 years old.
“Ana, d’you get scared of ...meeting adults like that?” Isabelle asked her older sister slightly worried, the duvet pulled over her mouth and nose. Ana, the brown haired, brown eyed girl, looked blankly at her sister and blinked.
“Nah! They’d neva’ wanna steal a pair like us, would ‘ey?” Ana answered humorously. Isabelle laughed.
“Nah! Too smelly!” This made both girls laugh, for Isabelle was notorious in the family for her constant gas emissions.
After a few minutes of non-stop giggling and general banter, the girls’ Mother came up and shut them up - which at first they had laughed at - and eventually they fell into a peaceful enough sleep. For a time, anyway.
13. That was the age of a teenager. One particular mutant demon beast knew t’was the easiest time for them become nasty. Or at least nastier.
So, swiftly, she flung open their window and snuck in. Her wooden leg was held out the way of clutter, so to not make a sound. She snuck heavily around the room, observing which angle would be easiest to sneak some of her nastiness into …“Ana’s” soul.
Beside her. That looked to be the easiest by a way. She crept heavily over, and for some reason grew heavier still. Every step she took toward the sleeping Ana, she grew a little out-of-breathe. She stared puzzled. It had not made any sense. She was not unfit and, even though it was late, she wasn’t in need of any rest.
Pounding. Stuttering. Her heart rate began to shake and quiver. Was she staring the one? She shook her head and managed to get beside the girl.
He eyes blackened slowly, as her hand wavered over the dreamer’s heart. Slowly, nervously it lowered. The creature paused and took back her hand. What if this was the one? What would happen if Ana’s heart was touched? Would it simply not work, or reverse all the creature’s work? Would she even be able to affect the heart of...She cringed at the thought of the name; The Nicest. Nice. So simple and...pointless. Never had she come across such a stupid sounding word. The phrase “ The Nicest” was used for the being who was the creatures opposite, so she supposed that made her “The Nastiest”. However, everyone is something and their are not enough words to cover everyone, so technically neither of them were either of them. But we shall call them “Nicest” and “Nastiest” for juxtaposition sake.
She took a deep breathe and told herself that this girl could not be “The Nicest”. Her hand had calmed it’s shivering and steadily lowered over Ana’s resting heart. But alas, the heart would not be touched by her sinister hand. How odd it felt that she couldn't see it...And then she could. Only that - all that she could see was the restrained movement of her subtle darkness in this girl’s light. The darkness’ attacks were invisible in the brightness of her heart.
She had to something more heavenly than simply “The Nicest”. Niceness doesn’t take courage, effort, you haven’t even got to really care for what you pretend to when you’re nice...The light in “The Nicest’s” heart could not be so bright…
The creature slowly removed her hand. Not because she was forced - because she had seen what she wanted to. She took a heavy breathe and left.
Out of the window of this girls and into the soul of another’s. Nastiness is easy to creep into souls, especially a teen’s - which is why she had targeted the older sister. 9 year olds naturally are far too lovely to do something so unnecessary and pointlessly horrid as being nasty to someone. Perhaps the mereness of nastiness is what makes it so bad. It is so little and easy to be, but also to avoid. So a good one must ask why not avoid it? A bad one may ask why bother avoid it?
But one must know it is down to opinion and no matter how good one is, it is never right.
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138,538 Literary Works • 672,152 Reviews
I feel like this is going to be one of those Disney-style fantasy plots with the utmost good battling the utmost evil in multiple skirmishes that build into full blown battles that eventually become resolved in one major final battle. Dunno if that's what you had in mind, but the Nicest and Nastiest bit, as well as the few undertones you inserted just brought that sort of conclusion in my mind.
I suppose some people would take the Disney-comment bit as insulting, but how do you feel about it? I never watched much Disney growing up, in fact my first movie when I was 5 was Tales of the Crypt, Demon Night. A little unorthodox yes, but so was my upbringing, or lack thereof so I figured it was pretty fitting in my own opinion.
Of course quite a few people would disagree with me. The idea of Isabelle being as someone I know would call it, (maybe you'll appreciate the term, and you can use it if you do like it), a "fartmonger" a play on terms with the word "warmonger", immediately brought a smile to my face since I've had a dog who used to be awful with that.
Also, you mentioned earlier, in just that one sentence, that Ana's mother would mercilessly reveal to her that she was an idiot. Is that meant to portray that her mother is cruel, or unorthodox in nature, maybe stoic/lethargic? Or was that just a bit of comedy being inserted?
Well, anyways, will now move onto the next episode and see if I like it enough to continue. I couldn't really decide on this portion seeing as the prologue is rarely a place to make such a decision off of. Later.
Thank you for this...Very curious review!
(...Unless you meant it as an insult... XD jk) although, i'd say that summary seemed more like an shonon anime basis, but the style (as in the appearance and way its carried out musically, emotionally, messagely) is very much a western Disney type 
WADDLERZ!
I think you've summarized the basic idea (ya know, if you HAD to label it) And no, I don't take it an insult!
XD I already LOVE your dog!!! And yes, the message earlier was meant to be comedy. The narrator hasn't got a comedic tone, though.
Thank you so very much! Hope to see you soon!
I love the suspense!!!! It is absolutly AMAZING!!! I love how you planned out the plot(heh, funny to say, isn't it? Sounds like a rap...) I love how you described the people and how Ana tried to turn her sisters fear into a funny moment, and suceeded, that's the best part! I like how you combined the mythical world, the creature, and the normal world, the people being kidnapped. Anyway, once again LOVE this intro keep being awsome and LadyRanicorn OUT!!!:)
XD Why thank you!!! Thank you very much for this beautifully pleasant review!!! ^U^ Gunther the penguin OUT!!! XD
Now I’ve read the intro, I think I will review this episode first. I love the way you have introduced your character by having her tell her mother about her day. In doing so, you have told us about her family, friends, personality and school. I also appreciate your drawings in both episodes, having an image to pin a character too helps form a picture of them.
I know you said
‘This is a prologue (It's not gonna be as good or interesting as the rest of the story XD)’
Nevertheless a good prologue should capture the reader. You start of well with the TVs news. However I feel like the monolog inside her does not give any important information at this stage. You could include the date in the news report and cut it short like this
"Tonight, 25th just before Halloween, a 15 year old boy has been kidnapped! Police say this case is similar to a kidnapping EXACTLY a year ago, no trace of violence or a struggle, with neighbours not hearing or seeing anything suspicious. Although reports say there was a camper van outside the house for quite a while, no one was seen getting out. It's likely whoever was in that camper was waiting for the boy to leave his house. This is the third year running and police suspect all three cases are related" the TV rumbled and worry seeped into my thoughts.
I started fretting about those missing kids. Luckily it was raining, and I find the pitter-patter of rain pretty comforting. So it doesn’t matter until next year when it's on TV again and I re-remember everything.
But you can also keep it especially if the second kidnapper comes in later.
‘I pressed on the doorbell repeatedly, which I can't help but do - Even though it winds everyone up.’
The phrasing might work better as I pressed on the doorbell repeatedly, it winds everyone up so I can’t help but do it.
Ana seems rather unsure even nervous of her self in her home ‘"Hey Mum," My nervous, awkward voice mumbled.’. Which conflicts with how she launches into a report of her day and the confidence she shows around her… “friends”.
I understand you are trying to make her out as awkward but I think you show this well in her dialog with the “friends”. If she is close to her sister and presumably her mum as she is later telling her the ins and outs of her day she might not act as shyly when she comes inside.
I feel you come into your own and your writing changes, as you start the story of her day. It shows Ana’s personality, is exiting to read and makes you feel for her. It is seriously good.
The only nit picking I can do to it is that ‘In my school, O.V.A in Cosstessey, Norwich, Norfolk, kids begin their options in year nine.’ Is something her mum would probably already know. You could fix this easily by adding a ‘remember’ at the beginning of the sentence.
Once again the main body of this is great and you have introduced Ana well, which is a great thing for an opening chapter. I look forward to reading more. All the best-Ferran
P.S why are they episodes as opposed to chapters?
Thanks for the review! I love to add pictures because (as you may be able to tell) I'm not very good at writing how people look...
Do you mind if I actually use that piece of writing? I think it's perfect and at school, I'm known for writing too much and repeating myself, so this would help!!! XD
I'm glad you've said this because I have troubles at where to draw the line in terms of where/how/when she's awkward and nervous or excited and silly! ^U^
Thank you so much!!!!
I call them episodes because in my mind, this story would work better as a comic or manga (I want to make characters, comics and maybe cartoons when I grow up because I ADORE expression and character! Also it'd be nice to have a program or comic that wasn't made PURELY for money) Also, putting "chapter" makes me feel like an author...And i'm really not... XD
I really appreciate all the reviews I get, so thank you very much!!! XD
Your welcome, I did notice that actually but think that you describe their personality well, which I think in a book is better than their physical appearance, because then the reader has more to imagine. Feel free to use what I wrote in the review, it is only your words moved around. I made her out to be more worried than you did at the beginning but I felt it worked because she is a year younger than later on. It%u2019s nice to hear when reviews are appreciated. Often when I%u2019m writing them I feel I am being too harsh especially as I don%u2019t think my own writing is very good. I%u2019m one to speak but, have confidence you%u2019re writing and writing well so you are an Author! That being said I like them being called episodes. I look forward to more portraits and the next part of the story you have hinted at. I have sent you some points so am expecting the next instalment soon.
Thanks SO much for the points!! I will be posting later on today after I give just one more review!
Hi Waddlers! I was trawling through the literary sections and spotted the world prologue! I’m all yours.
- this should be “seeing anything suspicious.” I know that you’ve given your narrator a slight accent but a newsreader wouldn’t really have one. They would speak in proper English.Your first paragraph is very good. Short, snappy and straight to the point of what your prologue is going to be about. I also like the mention of the narrator at the end, about how she finds the rain comforting. This instantly makes us connect with her.
I was surprised when you said that the sisters were crazy close! That wasn’t the impression I got at all when she was receiving pouts and the narrator was trying to wind her up in turn. I don’t know if that’s how you wanted it to come across?
I love the onslaught of talking that the mother receives about the girls day! This is just how a teenage girl would talk and it makes your narrative very believable.
The bubbly aspects of your writing that you include, like the word ‘Ha!’ make it sound much more like a diary entry than the way you have it set out now? Would you consider changing it to that? If not, then you should think about setting it out a bit more formally.
Good luck! Feel free to ask me anything, anytime.
Olive <3
First of all, I like to thank ALL reviewers for taking the time to read my work - I appreciate it IMMENSELY!
I'm glad that the first paragraph worked well for you!!! I'll be sure to change that "seeing nothing suspicious" mistake! XD I'm a bit of a rookie!!! XD
The sisters...There are a few ways you could take it. Either the sisters were being playful, or the narrator was being sarcastic - as time goes on that may become more noticable!!! XD But i'll try and tinker it to make it seem more one way or another!
That's great! I wanted my story to be believable - even though it's a "fantasy". I say that in brackets because in most fantasies the audience is made to feel like what happens in the story is out of reach or too good for them - which I REALLY HATE about them. So I'm SUPER happy it's believable!! <3
I can see how it looks like a diary entry now actually...whoops!!! I'll try alter that...Maybe something less speech-like.
Thank you SO MUCH for reviewing!!! And I really hope you can stick around for future episodes!!!
You have a very interesting writing style. The protagonist is so bubbly and the way you write communicates that wonderfully. I also really like the premise of the story. It definitely sounds like things are going to go down and I'd love to see how Ana changes throughout the story.
A few things. How old is Ana? I know that in my younger teenage years I was very much like her -- didn't swear, hated littering, tried very hard in school -- but I always had a reason. For example, I didn't want to upset anyone and I didn't like the idea of causing other people trouble, that sort of thing. I think that if you show a bit more as to why Ana thinks and believes what she does (like maybe she doesn't swear because she's polite/afraid of angering or upsetting people/has a lot of respect for rules and authorities) it'll make her character more solid and sound more mature.
Also, sometimes there are details that seem unnecessary to focus on. Like when she says she loves her coat. It makes her seem like she's a lot younger than a teenager (maybe because she seems to get distracted so easily).
Lastly, I think it's a bit strange that people knew what eye colors the kidnappers had. Eye color isn't something you really notice from far away, so someone must have seen them close up, and if they did it would make sense they say hair color, facial details, etc.
Ana is definitely an interesting character. I like her upbeat personality and it'd be very interesting to see how she grows and changes. Nice job.
Thank you very much for reviewing my story!!!
Ana's either 12, 13, or 14...And there are big differences in that age range so I REALLY need to decide. But yeah - her younger teenage years. I'll be sure to add more reasons - It makes sense now that you've said it! XD.
Yeah, I suppose I could make things like here loving her coat obvious through writing instead of telling the audience she loves it so directly. I'm 14 and I love my coat!! She's kinda based on me and I'm hoping her flaws will seem more bold in the future episodes. I want to seem child friendly, ...but sometimes that's hard as a teenager!! XD I really want to make her a lot more awkward - maybe she seemed it?
Yeah, it is a bit strange that that's what they'd see, but I was thinking maybe in most cases he wore a hood and when people saw him threatening them, they remembered his eyes and nothing else - you might understand why in future episodes, but if it still seems silly just tell me and I'll change it!
I really appreciate all the reviews I get - It's refreshing to know EXACTLY what to improve!!! Mum would never have anything bad to say about any of it... -_-
You're welcome! It was a fun story to read! I'm glad I was of some help. She does seem a bit awkward and you should totally build on that! I would relate to her even more. Haha.
Oh! By the way, I read your edits. great job! I really like it!
And your drawing is adorable.
XD Thank you! I REALLY appreciate the time you've put in to help me and read AND review this!!! It really actually helped!!!
Other art or more chapters: http://angriestdislestia.deviantart.com ... -Bit-Nicer
Hi Waddlers! (It is really fun to say that!)
Good start. I just have a couple of notes:
1. First of all, the ending. I like the cliff hanger and all, but how could she have forgotten about the kidnappings that she saw on the news only the day before with a white van like that?
2. The transitions. I think they could have used a little work, especially the first one. Was the second part still happening in the same day as the first? Was the news show before? After? I was really confused.
3. The characters. I loved how much personality each person had, but I think Ana was to energetic. Instead of being a teenager, she seemed like a five year old to me. (No offense) I know there are teenagers like this in real life, it is just not as common, so I get this impression.
4. Description. You described the mum and the sister very well, but I think you should have put the description in a different place. It seemed a little rushed to me. Maybe you can put it in the next paragraph, while the mum is brushing her hair.
5. Gender. I know this sounds weird, but if you hadn't told me in the description of this that Ana was a girl, I would not have known otherwise. She could have easily be a boy when you think about it. Also, you never mentioned her name in the actual story, which could have helped.
Other than that, good job! I like your title, and it drew me in, not to be dissapointed. I am excited to see what happens next with this. There are so many ways this story can go! I hope this helped!
For the 1 - That was a year previous, not a day "***EXACTLY 1 Year Before The Goings On of This story***" and then "***Now, I Guess...***
" - but I'll change that to "***A Year Later - EXACTLY***" so it's more understandable!!! Thanks
3 - Yes!!! I agree completely! I have been working on this for at least a year now (the whole thing - It gets a LOT more complicated) and Ana has been switching between energetic and bouncy to awkward and teenager-like with a slightly dirty mind, but coz she's actually quite dumb she says some silly stuff anyway. It's really been nagging me! I've made another character for the future epsiodes which I hope to transfer this energy to, and Ana will be behaving far more like a teenager!!! But thank your for noticing - if you hadn't pointed it out, I wouldn't have bothered with it!!! Thanks
4 - All I can say is thanks!!! Will do!!!
5 - Haha!! Funny you say that, because it's kinda what I wanted!! XD But I get your point - You don't really know anything about who's narrating. This is in the next episode, I just have to review a bunch of other people's work, but I agree that I should put something in this chapter so that you know!
Thank you, and I really hope you in particular stick around for my next chapters! I'd really like to see what you think! Also, do you think I should post all of the chapters on one story page or in separate chapters? It's a bit confusing. XD
I've edited it - what does everyone think, now?
Aww, thanks! I am glad that I helped! It is cool that you have been working on this for a year. Awesome dedication! Also, I guess I just skipped over the year earlier part. Sorry! Hey, I have a book I am writing called The Heart of Silver Gold and I am about to post the second chapter. If you can, go check it out! (Self promo much, I know. Sorry not sorry!)
Much though it is time consuming reviewing for points I think you should only post one chapter at a time. It is so much easier to review a short piece as opposed to a huge chunk so you will get more detailed, worth while reviews. The suggested word count is 1,500 to 2,000 words. Rosendorn says it really well here Points
I'll keep that in mind!! ^U^