Published July 6, 2015
In rubbish
Episode 1 - Kidnapped
Ana had just been at school - a fairly nice school - where she learnt things, but now she was on the bus with her elbow rested against a window. She was in daydream mode set to difficult and was humming a song to herself. Her gaze was intense - as her face was at any time of true thought. Even the thought of thinking was enough to turn her expression sour.
*ding*
Her eyes shifted to the “stopping” light on the bus. The button had just been pressed and the light was glowing red. She sat up and grabbed her bag - it was her stop they had just arrived at.
“Thanks!” She called back to the bus driver as she walked up the damp grey path. A dreary old day in September - 25th September 2014 to be precise! - and she was looking like a damp old wash cloth as she heavily treaded home.
Car lights glowed as the drove past her while she waited to cross the small road. She looked right and saw no cars coming, which led to her taking her first squelchy step across to the other side. She reached the midway point and her head shifted left. No cars coming that way.
She reached the path and headed right toward her house. The window was dimly lit and she smiled slightly. Her pace steadied as she reached the door. Her finger pushed against the doorbell and after a few moments, someone opened it and let her in.
However...he was watching.
Inside a cream van on a curb. Preditoral eyes gazed toward the opened door and stared expressionlessly as it closed. This man didn’t appear to think anything or appear to feel anything either. He sat behind tinted glass that hid him from the world as he waited for her to reappear, which he knew she would.
They left the milk outside.
His ears, so used to silence, could almost hear the naive conversations being exchanged. The shadows that formed behind the windows were as clear as crystal and his grey blue eyes shined onto them. His brows were permanently angry and yet his eyes were calm and still. His blonde hair that covered his head and surrounded his mouth was faded and held no brightness as blonde hair might usually.
His shadow crept from behind and smiled knowingly at him. His shadow convinced him he was right with that smile. However, Squirrel was not too keen of his shadow. It was never bright. Always dark and lurking over him like some horrid, unmentionable sin from the past - which would be the only thing to make him commit this one last crime. He didn’t like kids, he didn’t really want to kidnap children. He sighed turning away from his shadow, which, by the way, only he saw communicate.
“Wha’da you think?” The man spoke. Suddenly a large, furry, and feathery head rose from the seat beside him and looked out of the window. It then looked at the man confused. “The child, Neu.” The beast that the man called “Neu”, simply blinked. This caused the man to sigh. “Well watch, coz she’s gonna be out in a minute.” Neu looked unsure.
“Squaaaaaw?” It questioned.
“Hush!” He growled. Neu pouted, turning back to look out the window. “Rylie isn’t here, I don’t understand anyway.”
They waited awhile... seconds became minutes and minutes became half-hours and hours and more, until finally, the door of the girl’s house opened, and out she stepped, as she stumbled over to the milk.
It took a few moments for the man in the van to realise, but after a few solid blinks, he shook his head and shot up.
“Neu!” He cried.
“SQUAW!” He squawked as he shot up from sleeping position. Looking out the window for a few seconds, he then turned to the man and nodded. Although it was obvious that Neu had not really taken anything in, the nod finalized the man's decision.
“Agreed.” The blonde started as he gazed at Ana. As she lifted one milk from the ground a letter or leaflet or pamphlet flew away from her. He didn’t expect her to chase it, but she put the milk down and did just that. His shadow tapped him on shoulder and smiled widely. The man gave a nod to his shadow - which from any normal perspective may look slightly odd. “Great.” His eyes thinned as he got out of the car silently on the opposite side of the van to the girl - who was heading toward the van after the piece of paper. He stepped slowly and cautiously to the end of the van where he tilted his head discretely to see her.
She made one last dash for the thing and caught it, but when she rose, her eyes alerted. It had suddenly gotten colder, darker...and stiller. And quiet…
So quiet.
Every step was silent. Ana seemed to feel a presence when the blonde man came into her view. He leaned casually on the side of the van. Looking straight on, lighting a cigarette which he did not intend to smoke - the man disliked the idea of being controlled by something, so had no habits, addictions or personal needs - although his shadow enjoyed them.
Ana stared at him, but he carried on as if he’d not noticed her standing to his far right.
It was still cold, quiet and dark. The little shroud of mist that surrounded seemed to hold the girl in place, as she stared shaken at the tall, intimidating man. She gulped and began to turn around with the litter in hand.
“You OK?” She heard the man ask casually. He was holding the cigarette between two fingers and only now was looking at her. At the sound of his voice, she could almost scream. It was what she was afraid of - talking to a stranger on a cold, dark, quiet afternoon…
“Yeah,” She said wearily without turning fully. Enough however to receive a glare from his grey-blue eyes.
She was unsure of what to do, but without any notice of noise, he was behind her. She felt his presence.
“Good.” He said calmly. She felt him grab the back of her coat and began dragging her. There was something about the man that made her unable to try and get away. She was slow, and what was happening hadn’t quite been processed just yet.
She stumbled back with every tug until she heard a door open - that is when her realisation began.
“NO!! LEA’E ME ALONE!!! PLEASE!” She cried out at the top of her lungs. The man pulled her closer, pushing her into the van. His expression was nothing too different to moody. “Please!” tears began swelling around her eyes as she was slammed against the back of the dark van - not where the seats were.
The man stood looking at her for a while and then appeared to be staring at his shadow. She looked pleadingly into his eyes and begged.
“Please, I won’t tell anyone! Please le’me go!!! PLEASE!!!....” She paused to see the man's reaction, but he just looked bored. She sunk. “Please!?!?” She sobbed high pitched. He blinked and shut the door of the van.
The darkness engulfed her, and she was terrified. Sobs seeped from her soul as the few crack of light taunted her. As if they were showing off. She gulped. This wasn't meant to happen to HER! This stuff happened to others she didn't know...Not her!!!
Every minute felt like a day, and soon she grew tired. She leaned on the side of the van - knowing the man had snatched her life away and that she would never see her family again...but she couldn’t realise it all so fast. She would cry for them...but not now.
Her eyelids drooped and she fell into a sleep as the few cracks of light were blended into the darkness of the van and she faded from reality.
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140,819 Literary Works • 673,694 Reviews
And I'm late with my review. Again. Sorry. I was off YWS for a bit and I'm only here to do some reviews for today. I'm a bit rusty, so sorry if I make any stupid mistakes or are confusing at all.
Unless the school is relevant to the plot, I would recommend removing this part. If it has nothing to do with the plot, it's not relevant to the story, and, thus, an unnecessary detail.
I don't recommend having the astrix here because it sounds more like something out of a chatroom or wall post. The alternative to this is having the ding in italics with an explanation point like this:
Ding!
This way, your reader can tell that it's a sound.
We don't need to be that precise. Some details in writing can be vague; they don't all need to have the specific meter turned to maximum. For example, when you're describing a person, writers don't generally write a detailed account as to where every single freckle was mathematically placed on their face or what percentage of their hair was laying just above their eyes. While what I've mentioned isn't exacly what's going on here, the basic point is this: we don't need to know everything.
Right around the time I first started to write, I was taught that we don't need to know every detail or every action a character makes. There are about a million things that I am doing right now. I'm biting my lip, listening to music, thinking about multiple things, breathing, typing, fidgeting. There are probably about a million things that you're doing right now too. Breathing, reading, digesting that food you had a few hours ago,
trying to decide on a scale from one to ten how crazy I am,thinking, etc. Needless to say, characters in stories do a lot of things (like breathing, digesting, listening, thinking, etc.) at the sme time, but you never see the author write every single one of these details down. But if they did, pages and pages would be filled with accounts on what they've been doing for the last thirteen seconds. And what if the story is a coming-of-age story about a little boy growing up, the reader following him from childhood to young adulthood, not only would it be the size of Jupiter, but it would never get finished because the author would either die of old age or boredom. Needless to say, we don't need every single detail here. Just saying something like she looked both ways before crossing the street would do.Just a note for Squirrel: if you're trying not to look intimidating, you're doing a pretty bad job at it.
I really like this part because her reaction is so beleivable. It really does seem like something anybody would do. Especially the part about bad things not happening to her. Terrible things can happen unexpectedly to anybody and we don't usually see them coming. Bad things have happened to me (but bot these types of bad things, but you get the basic idea
Honestly, I can't get rid of the previous image I had of Squirrel, so he's just going to have to stick with being that way in my head.
Keep on writing, Waddlers!
~Holographic Ladybug
Oh, and by the way,
love this idea!
Hehe! Thank you sooooooooo very much for reviewing! I'm really re-writing everything now, so I'll use your feedback on my new writing!
Thanks to you giving me that image of him being a Squirrel, i actually put tails on the backs of their shields...His is a Squirrel's
Okay then first off I just had one question? Since you only mentioned this name once, I was unsure but was the man's name identified as Squirrel? If so, you only referred to him by his name, "Squirrel" once, and then you ceased to do so and just plainly called him "the man". As far as things I noticed were obviously troublesome, that's all.
I can't critique grammar seeing as I'm not truly the most gifted in it myself. Or rather I know how to do it and what to watch out for, but I'm incapable of teaching it and pointing out grammatical mistakes. I just know them, but am unable to point out how. It's weird yes.
At any rate, I get the image of Neu being either a literal ball of black fur or something akin to a "Crow" because of the "Sqawk" sound you referenced. Not really crow-ish no, but it's the only image I could form as far as something realistic in existence. Fantasy-like though? I could create endless ideas from my imagination. I found the idea that the man's shadow seemed to possess a awareness of it's own. It lived as a separate entity of life alongside the man. I can imagine how disconcerting that would be, to have your shadow truly alive.
It would certainly be a constant companion that's for sure. Never alone. The aspect of "shadow" however made it seem like it was the man's darker side. While he didn't seem gentle in the least, it was almost as if the shadow itself had control of his actions for that one instance. The man mentioned his last job right? also, Riley?
And last, it was mentioned the girl had difficulties trying to flee. Is that from the fear of being snatched up like so, or did Neu, (whatever he or it is), do something to weaken her resistance? Or hell, was it the shadow for that matter?
Good stuff. Later.
Thanks ONCE MORE for the review!!!
Very happy that you're coming back! 
Yes, Squirrel's shadow is full of niggling desires. It's his BAD, even though he has no good (or a teeny tiny bit at most) and is a bit of a visual metaphor for his dark side 
Squirrel's name was only meant to be written when Ana named him that, but it's always in my head when im writiting so it may've slipped through... XD
Hey, you got the fantasy idea right!
***IDEA THAT MAY CONFUSE OR MAKE MORE SENSE***
Basically, I've made up recently that he has to wear a heart sheild type thing that rids him of all the negative energy. He can be pursuaded by it, but he can't actually form the bad things. Wearing this heart shield, I THINK, is what created the shadow in the first place (like it actually seems living, and is not a normal shadow) This also, because he (full he, not wearing the sheild) is mostly (70-80%) negative in energy. This leaves him with little left of who HE ACTUALLY is, which makes him seem cold and empty. He's missing most of himself when he wears the shield.
The shadow is a very good idea, but I was thinking it was because of something un-Earthly. Like, THIS IS UR DESTINY, TAKE IT!!!
Thanks again!
Hi Waddlers!
I am back and here for another review! *throws confetti* Once agian, good start. I like where this is going, the idea of good beating evil or "Nasty" as you call it. There are just done grammar issues and some plot points that need to be fixed.
1. Grammar. Most of it was okay, and I like your style of writing, but some of it sounds a little jumbled to me. For example, "I started jogging a bit- This made me look quite numpty! An ametur!!! I had done this three times without fail already! - and by now I was surprised she hadn't looked back at me, I'm not exactly light on my feet." I think that instead of putting a lot of these, -, you can format it like this, "I started jogging a bit, and it made me look quite numpty! This makes you look like an ametur! I thought to myself. You have already done this three times without fail already, you can't mess up now! I continued jogging, and I was surprised that she hadn't looked back on me yet. I'm not exactly light on my feet." See the difference? I just think this flows a little better than what you have currently.
2. Plot points. Like I said earlier, I like your idea, but it seems a little cheesy, no offense. I know it will develop once we get more into the story, but right now it feels at little weak. Not saying I didn't enjoy it or anything. Also, is "The Nastiest" an actual person, or is it referring to the society? Just wondering.
3. Descrition. I liked how you described what Ana looks like from the kidnappers point of view, but when you where describing her hair, you said wavy twice, and I think that it is a little repetitive. Maybe you can say " Het mane of brown wavy hair trailed down her back and swayed slightly in the wind as she walked to school." Instead of what you had before. Just and idea.
4. Ana's character. I think I mentioned something along the lines of this last time, but I think she should have more animated reactions to things. I know she is supposed to be the nicest and all so she wouldn't kick her kidnapper or anything, but I still think she would have at least had a more animated expression on her face when she was kidnapped. Even the nicest people in the world would be a little more reactive. Even if her expression is a look of sympathy for her kidnapper since she is the nicest and all would help. I also think her reaction to the griffin should have been a little more shocked. What would you do if you saw a real life griffin staring you down in the back of a truck you where just kidnapped in? Also, what is the griffin doing there? I am excited to find out!
I think that is all if the critique I have for this one. I really like where this is heading, and like FerranWright said, I like the idea of a different kidnapper. It makes the story more interesting and intriguing to read. Sorry this review is so late, but I hope this helped either way! I really enjoyed reading this. On to the next one! *rides off into the sunset*
Hey again!! And as ever; thanks SO much for reviewing!!!
1) Just...I know my grammar stinks...-__- XD I'll re-phrase it just like you said!!!
2) Maybe it feels weak because of how vaguely and bluntly Squirrel speaks to Ana. There is a lot more to it, especially once you read this: How We Made The World Just A Little Bit Nicer - Hopeless/The Ticking Time Bomb! (Episode 3, Part 1)
With just the humans, I agree the plot would seem weak and cheesy, but PLEASE remember; Ana's super hero power is that she's nice (and throughout the story EVERYONE will be telling her how lame it is!! XD (Poor Ana XC) ) The plot hasn't nearly been revealed, so don't worry!!! XD Just keep in mind that Squirrel is JUST A HUMAN! He doesn't know what's gonna happen and he can't predict everything. At all. (Squirrel is what Ana decides the kidnapper's "code name" is - SPOILER except not really) Also, T.N is...Ya know what? You'll see. -U-
3) Will change that description!!! XD Thank you!
4) I COMPLETELY agree. I just am not sure how to go about it. I suppose most of my invisionments are kinda silly and too long winded to write - to be honest, the whole thing would be better off as a comic (which I want it to be) and you've got it - her EVERYTHING has to be entertaining and comedic in some way!! XD Nah, she doesn't feel sympathy for him :/ - There will be MANY life lessons in this and two of them are: 1) That everyone is something and 2) People and other creatures are just themselves so get used to it - you cannot put yourself under a label or word. It won't cover all of you...So technically, even if she WAS the Nicest...She wouldn't ACTUALLY be...Confusing I know!! XD With the shock thing; yeah I'm just gonnna go for it with a "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAHAHAHAHA!!!! I LOVE IT AND AM CONFUSED AT THE SAME TIME..." kind of thing...XD
And as ever, I REALLY appreciate the feedback!! See you here: How We Made The World Just A Little Bit Nicer - Hopeless/The Ticking Time Bomb! (Episode 3, Part 1) Hopefully. XD Sorry it's so long... XC
Waddlers!!! xxx
I am glad I helped!
I am going to give this episode a separate review. Once again it is really cool to have an illustration at the begging.
This chapter has the same ability to make the reader feel connected to the character. It was a bit disconcerting to be inside a kidnapper’s head to begin with. I have read a few murder mysteries which feature the inside of the kidnapers head and was expecting something more sinister. I was pleasantly surprised; he seems real and as relatable to as Ana and potentially a bit of a softie.
You could add a link to show that he is indeed the same kidnapper by adding “I HAVE done this three times already”, when he is worrying he is acting like an amateur. It is superfluous to add but would tie in you prologue to the current story.
“called Neu. Yes.” I added and reassured in three words.
Could be
“called Neu, Yes.” reassuring her in three words flows better.
If I were the kidnaper I would get frustrated with her incessant interruptions.
“I sense in you something VERY special. Something rare...” I paused serious and gave a her a look of meaning. This was the most IMPORTANT part of her… “You’re nice.” I could almost feel the humorous eyebrow twinge she gave, and the sudden single laugh that almost escaped her mouth. Even though my eyes have been on the road the whole time. “And that niceness, I think, defeats that of any other living being on the planet.”
“Are you from Suffolk?” She asked randomly. Interrupting me again.
Just noticed ‘Even though my eyes have been on the road the whole time.’
Should be “had” been on the road
There are a few places where you could put her age in once you decided on it. I’d put her at 12 but she could be 13.
Over all I prefer this episode. The dialog seems natural in its awkward way and you have lots of potential. I can’t wait to see where you take it! Keep writing-Ferran.
I'm glad you appreciate it!!!
There'll be a pic on every chapter, showing you what the new characters in it look like, and if they're all introduced, then I'll do mini comics of already-written scenarios!
YOU'LL SEE!!! Not his REAL name...You'll never find that out, though! 12 or 13? I think the minimum I'll make her will be 13. ^U^
I'll definitely add that, and change that to a comma. I really struggle when it comes to making things flow sometimes... :/
Yeah, it's like him to get annoyed. I say "him" because you don't know his name yet!!
That's good that you prefer it!!! Trust me, the next chapter heightens EVERYTHING!!! AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! I JUST WANNA POST 'EM AND MAKE UP THE POINTS LATER BUT I CAN'T!!! AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
Also, the "episode" titling being for a cartoon or comic helps because the audience (you) is going to see from quite a few different perspectives!!! The first two are kind of boring in comparison. And short, too.
Ya know what, I'm gonna stop now before I say too much. ^U^ Thanks again for reviewing!!!!
I read this chapter first thinking of reviewing, Ive decided to read Ch1 First. The idea of a "differant" kidnapper has got me hooked.
This makes me so happy!!! See ya next chapter!!! (I've written the next three. What I ACTUALLY need to be doing is reviewing for points!!! XD