E - Everyone

How We Made The World Just A Little Bit Nicer - Rylie, Episode 7

Burning Aura had to fly alone, and behind Silver Cinder - which was what Carlena had told Squirrel that he would hate the most.

After Neu and the bags were tossed onto Silver Cinder’s back, Squirrel hopped on. He had a nasty map and a compass in his clutches, and an impatient look on his face. Silver Cinder took to the sky, with Burning Aura following behind. Burning Aura didn’t fly with wings, he flew with the heat of his flames and they were so hot at the time, he had made them blue.

Up, up, up they went, first soaring past the top the of the crevice, then the clouds! Until she finally redirected north west. The huge beats of her winds took them half of a mile each time, and Silver Cinder was obviously feeling excited as she was beating them very quickly and getting them very far. The mountain they were heading to would take them no more than 4 hours to get there normally, but on this dragon, it seemed the journey would take more like two. Luckily, Burning Aura seemed to be able to keep up.

“Where are we going now?” Ana called over to Squirrel. She had to call quite loud as there was a bit of thundering and the wind was whooshing loudly.

“A hotel run by huge moles in a mountain.” He called back without looking at her. Ana blinked shocked. For a moment she was unsure of what to say.

“To sleep?” Ana asked. Squirrel nodded.

“And to pick up Rylie,” He added.

“Rylie?” Ana replied confused.

“Remember Teedey?” Squirrel asked.

“Yeah.” Ana exclaimed.

“Rylie’s a younger monkey species of him. They call the whole species Skuing. I think that the different types have separate names, though, but you should probably just ask him,” Squirrel told her. She pondered over what he might look like. From this, she supposed that he was small and thin, with fangs and walked around as naked as Teedey. She hoped he didn’t look quite as vulnerable, though. Her thoughts were distracted when they sky rumbled, and she realised how dark it had gotten. Again. Not Teedey dark, but like a dreary, stormy day.

“A’ we almost there?” Ana called over to Squirrel anxiously. Squirrel frowned unsure at the map.

“We’re fairly close.” He called back. Neu had settled next to him, and Burning Aura was looking unbelievably scared.

“Coz that look like it’s gonna storm!” Ana cried. Squirrel looked around, finding himself in agreement. He patted Silver Cinder’s head.

“We need to speed up.” He told her, turning to Burning Aura. “You; keep flying forward, the largest mountain in the middle is where we need to go. Get there and find shelter for the night. We’ll see you in the morning.” Squirrel told him. Burning Aura nodded and flew off at the speed of light. No sooner than he did, the wind began to strengthen and the tiniest bit of rain began to fall.

Silver Cinder looked around concerned as she flapped her wings as hard as she could, shooting herself forward as fast as she could. This made the air resistance against the wind even stronger, and harder to cope with.

“Heads down, crew. We’ll be there in a minute or two at this speed!” He shouted over the furious force of the air. Ana gritted her teeth and hugged herself flat against the dragons back.

“Okaaaaaaaayyyyyyy…”Ana mumbled to herself. Neu also flattened himself to Silver’s back and squealed afraid. I know my wings couldn’t take the force of the wind. The rain hissed as it plentified, falling onto them with incredible force. I suppose, Silver Cinder couldn’t feel it on her spikes, although she could probably dislike it’s impact on her vision.

“GROUGH!” Silver Cinder exclaimed as a lightning bolt shot beside her, causing her to falter, flatten her wings slightly too much and fall. They crashed into the ground with great force, but the silver dragon didn’t seem too distressed by it. She stayed laying, allowing the passengers to get off, and when they did, she got up swiftly and they all ran toward a huge mountain. It probably had snow sprinkled at the top, but it seemed like dirt-like terrain instead of rockiness. The mountain was dirt like too - perhaps frozen mud, Ana thought.

Their feet squelched against the earth as they reached the mountain. Ana and Neu both ran in, while Squirrel instructed Silver Cinder where to go. After a brief moment, however, he caught up with Ana and Neu, and they were all stepping rushed down the hard dirt steps. It reminded me of Minecraft. When the reached the bottom of the steps, there was a fairly long hallway that lead directly into an absolutely massive reception/cafe/book in/customer services! Oddly, though, that wasn’t the thing that surprised Ana. She stood bewildered, staring at very large moles - tall as Squirrel and just as wide - who were walking on two feet, but otherwise seemed to act very mole-like. She was so amazed by them, in fact, that she was left 10 or so metres behind Neu and Squirrel before noticing they had kept walking.

“Look at them! This! Everything!” Ana exclaimed happily surprised at the wackiness she loved and saw before her as she caught up to Squirrel and Neu. The rooms were surrounding the absolutely massive reception/cafe/book in/customer services area, wrapping it almost. Each spiral row had a path balcony outside the doors, which created roofed paths as there were about 50 floors.

“It’s impressive, eh.” Squirrel agreed as he reached a funny desk where one of the moles had a childishly placed bow-tie on and was goofily playing around with equipment like he didn’t know any better. “Number 429,” Squirrel told the mole, who recklessly threw three security, signed in passes at him. “...Thanks.”

They jogged up, I’d say, 5 or 6 flights worth of stairs and strolled past 70 odd doors before reaching room 429. As Squirrel knocked against the door, Ana waited in nervous anticipation to see “Rylie” open the door. They waited awkwardly for a minute in awkwardly awkward silence before Squirrel began grumbling and knocked again. And again, they waited.

Awkwardly.

“RYLIE!!!” Squirrel shouted.

“Yes!?” An apish voice cried nervously from behind them. The three of them turned swiftly to face him and paused. He was hanging upside down from the flight above them. He had bright ginger hair, that bridged down his nose like Teedey’s did, golden-orange freckles, solid black eyebrows and beautiful green eyes. He also had hair covering his shoulders, but it didn’t spike unhealthily like Teedey’s. It curled lightly and looked soft and clean. Thankfully, he appeared to be wearing clothes, dark brown bands held the material up on his skinny shoulders, thighs and waist and the cloth that covered his chest and bottom was sack like and a reddish-brown. The sleeves for the arms and the trousers were like white silk and he had a ginger monkey's tail. And by the look of his teeth, they were pretty ape-like, too! Two pairs of large sabres protected the human looking teeth - all fairly white and clean.

“Hello!” Ana exclaimed. Rylie smiled breifly at her, only to turn to Squirrel and scowl.

“Rylie! Gimme the key or immuna freakin kill you!” Squirrel growled.

“Well - How long have you been waiting?” Rylie asked. Not shocked in any way by Squirrel’s overly aggressive demeanour. He must’ve been used to it.

“A few minutes.” Ana said humorously to which Rylie grinned again.

“Ages! Now gimme the key!” Squirrel demanded.

“Sorry, I don’t have it.” Rylie shrugged, still upside down.

“What!?!” Squirrel began to enquire scarily, but Rylie didn’t appear to feel threatened.

“I thought you took it.” Rylie replied stupidly.

“So you’ve been waiting for a week to go back in there?” Squirrel asked concerned. Rylie’s face distorted and he became disturbed as he realised how ridiculous it now was.

“Yes! I have!” He began. “A week!?!?!” He asked himself. “ I played hide and seek A LOT, though!”

“So the key is still in the draw.” Squirrel frowned at the door and stepped back. Rylie disappeared quicker than you could blink and swung at an incredible speed against the door of the room, knocking it down. Squirrel strode in, plonked his backpack onto the floor, went into another room and slammed the door behind him. The three youngsters stared expectantly, he had not really reunited sweetly with Rylie, but Rylie didn’t seem at all bothered.

“Squawk!” Neu exclaimed happily, “Squeah-squaw!” his grin then became a frown. Ana looked curiously at Rylie.

“I can believe that,” Rylie replied, seeming to understand fully what the griffon said. This intrigued Ana. As did Rylie in general.

“You can understand ‘em?” Ana smiled. Rylie nodded with a returning smile. He seemed to be about her age at first.

“Any land creature, really! What’s your name?” He asked curiously, leaning toward her.

“Ana!” She chuckled nervously leaning back slightly. “And yer Rylie.” Rylie nodded in response to this. They then stared at the loose door and laughed.

“Oh dear.” They chuckled in unison. Ana smiled, she liked Rylie a lot; he didn’t make her feel judged at all. And that was really nice! Rylie hadn’t decided much on Ana however, he supposed he shouldn’t think too hard over what he thought of others. If you decide what something is, how can it ever change?

For the next half hour, they spent their time fixing the door; Ana held it up while Rylie screwed in the screws. It was quite a large heavy door, but screwing nails into dirt was quite awkward. Standing by him, Ana realised that he wasn’t just thin; he was, overall, very small. Being shorter than her by, probably, an inch and a half, making him a mere five foot tall. He couldn’t have held the door.

“All done!” Rylie exclaimed proudly, wiping his forehead and grinning. Ana smiled and tested the door.

“Whoo!” She cried as Squirrel reappeared into the entering area of their room. He was holding a worn out pair of pyjamas.

“Put these on and give me your clothes.” He told her bluntly. She looked at him casually and he threw the pyjamas on her. Rylie chuckled at this. Ana waddled to the room Squirrel had hidden in blindly. She still had the clothes over her head. Squirrel looked at her in complete dismay and turned to Rylie. “Good job on the door.”

“Are we just doing the same thing as we do usually?” Rylie asked, ignoring the oh so generous remark Squirrel had made. Squirrel grew serious. The sudden, but relevant change of topic leaned over him and he grew intimidated.

“No; we need to go to a place called The Safe.” He said, avoiding eye contact with Rylie.

“The Safe?” Rylie asked confused.

“Don’t worry; I know where it is.” Squirrel reassured him. This didn’t shock Rylie. Although they had been doing this for the past 8 years together, he knew that Squirrel had been an outlaw and adventurer for far longer. Rylie merely accepted this and his worry dissipated.

“Why?” Rylie asked, suddenly realizing he had one last question after a fairly long pause.

“We need a pair of creatures there to make protection from stardust we got from Carlena.” He explained.

“Why?” Rylie enquired again. Squirrel scowled slightly and turned to him firmly.

“Coz one of the dragons need their rider to wear it.” Squirrel told him growing impatient.

“Oh,” Rylie realised. He looked to the floor thoughtfully before bringing up a sore topic. “Have you come across Teedey yet?” He asked concerned. Squirrel nodded slowly. “Did he...show any signs that she’s -”

“No. He acted as he always does. Strange to say, but I don’t think he can actually tell whether anyone is the Opposite or not.” Squirrel told him in deep thought.

“Hmmm…” Rylie hummed, considering Squirrel’s words. “Any signs of Menter?”

Squirrel sighed. That name. It brought dread to him. For many reasons. He stopped himself from thinking about it before he got upset. He couldn’t deal with the stress that boy brought to him.

“No.” He muttered coldly. “But we have had Sophie.” He added, diverting his mind.

“Really!?” Rylie was shocked. “Was she difficult?”

“No actually, but only because she screwed royally on the timing and the place,” He began anxiously. “ If she had come across us at any other time, I’m telling you, you’d have never met Ana.” Squirrel glared and Rylie gulped.

“Here ya ‘a!” Ana announced, stumbling through the door in the pyjamas, holding her own clothes. Squirrel lifted them from her arms and Rylie tossed him the key.

“You two; get to bed. I’ll be back in a minute.” With that, he left. The door slammed behind him. Neu, Ana and Rylie stared at the door glumly. Surely, they were too old to be told “bed.”. However, they did as they were told. Rylie laid out a makeshift bed on the floor next to Ana’s and Neu laid at the foot of Squirrel’s bed.

“A’ you sure you don’t wanna sleep on ‘ere?” Ana whispered, cosily tucked under the covers of the soft bed. Rylie nodded. The room was merely lit by one lamp. Ana felt oddly at ease and Rylie obviously sensed this. He was smiling contently with closed eyes in a mature manner, which made Ana question his age.

“How old a’ you?” She whispered gazing calmly at the ceiling.

“16. You?” Rylie whispered even calmer. Ana’s eyes widened. That made him a year eleven. Which felt to her like an enormous step away from a year nine.

“14.” She whispered, still feeling slightly surprised. After a slight pause, she blinked. “What a’ you guys doin’?”

“Hasn’t Squirrel told you?” Rylie whispered, sounding concerned.

“Kind o’. Why me, though?” She continued in her hushed tone. She was missing her Mother and sister incomprehensibly. There was an unfortunately long pause before Rylie answered.

“I don’t know.” He told her regretfully. Ana frowned and suddenly felt an odd lump in her throat. She attempted to gulp the feeling down, but it only caused tears to form in the corners of her eyes. She stared in silence at the ceiling for an odd twenty minutes, feeling sad and targeted. She was unsure if she even believed their story, albeit how trustworthy they seemed. She sniffed and snuffled, even began to sob slightly, until Rylie rose. He looked into her eyes with a deep, sorry expression. Ana wiped her damp eyes, attempting to hide her misery from him. She couldn’t keep eye contact with him as he did with her. It was embarrassing. To cry around someone she didn’t really know. But he merely leaned closer, and that made her feel slightly uneasy, though she was never one to be touchy. He proceeded to pat her eyes and cheeks with a golden edged, pure white napkin. This made her mind dart from her parent to slight confusion and admiration. “You miss them, but it’s okay. I promise.” He whispered a yard away from her, staring truthfully into her eyes. She gulped and took a deep breath, calming down.

“It so strange - I know they’re a’right. I jus’...wish they knew tha’ I am, too. I just fe’l like I’ve left ‘em alone...I don’t fe’l alone...I fe’l like they are” Ana whispered. Rylie looked at her confused, as if it were something he’d never heard before. She sniffed again and looked back at him. “I guess you was taken from yer fam’ly, too.” The statement made Rylie sigh and lay back down on his make-do bed.

“Skunigs don’t have parents,” He then reconsidered his wording. “Well, we do...But when a Skunig has a child with another, they don’t reproduce. They combine life-forces to make one to seven new Skunigs. Usually they do this at 60, so they have time to live, but waiting any longer is seen as selfish. Which is what Teedey is. If they don’t combine life forces with another, they just keep living. And since almost every Skunig combines at 60 at the latest, it’s hard for ones older than that to ever find anyone to combine with.” He explained. It seemed clear that when his parents combined, they only made one offspring; him.

“So..they...die? Because if they die... I ge’ why Teedey wouldn’ do it.” Ana added. Rylie shrugged.

“Their life forces live on. So in a way they’re still alive. But I suppose it isn’t the same being as it was before.” He whispered in reply.

“Teedey and you don’t look like same, ya dun’t. Why?” Ana asked, speaking slightly more normally.

“He’s an Earth Skunig. Obviously, he doesn’t have the average appearance of one, - he doesn’t have an average look to him at all! - but his claws, rats tail, spikier hair, nocturnal eyes and hairy knuckles are specific to an Earth Skunig. Earth Skunigs are Skunigs that care for the blind, small animals of below. They are adapt to digging, seeing in the dark, escaping and coping with tight spaces, and living with little sunlight. I am a Bark Skunig or Grass, Leaf or Tree Skunig - any of the four - which deals with creatures on top of the ground. Bark Skunigs are pretty similar to humans in terms of living conditions, we have more animal type fur, it’s lighter. Maybe brown, ginger, red, blonde occasionally. Not usually black. We have monkey tails, I guess...and our clothes are unique as they’re adapt to the air conditions on the ground. There are Sky Skunigs and Sea/ Marine or Aqua Skunigs. All Skunigs share things like speed, understanding any animal of their domain and uniquely placed hair or fur. And combining.” He explained. It was all quite interesting to Ana. She wondered why Skunigs were made to look after all the animals. She supposed for a minute that all more intelligent life forms assumed they were meant to. Or maybe humans weren’t good enough at it and were replaced. She stared upwards thoughtfully.

“Oh.”  She pondered passionately as her eyelids fell over her eyes; she was beginning to feel more at peace with the situation. Especially with Rylie there.

Comments & reviews · 2
Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.

User avatar
Mea
Review
Mea wrote a review · Fri Mar 25, 2016 1:02 pm

Hey there! I'm here for a quick review on this.

I think you have some pretty interesting ideas. I like your characters especially - they really come to life for me. However, there are some basic things you could do to make this just a little bit easier to read.

First off, be consistent. At first, you had a good balance of dialogue and longer paragraphs, but then you started to have paragraphs that were just way too long. Try to break those up a bit.

The other main thing that made this feel a bit less professional were all the exclamation points and other informal style. In general, you want to limit exclamation points and "!?"s, because too many of them makes everything feel overly melodramatic. You also want to stick to "formal" writing, which means not doing things like drawing out "okaayyyy." You can get away with having all caps, but typically only in dialogue and in moderation (which is what you did, so you're good there xD)

Also, I noticed at least once where you said "I" within the narrative. This is not a first person story, and that was not a main character's thoughts, so that should not be there. (Unless you're doing omniscient narrator as an actual person, but I don't think you are because it doesn't seem like it except for that one part.)

As far as your plot and characters are concerned, both seem to be quite good. I already told you how I enjoyed your characters, and the plot seems fairly stable. The only thing I would say is to be careful not to dump too much on the reader at once - I had difficulty remembering all of the terms.

And that's all I've got for you! Good luck and keep writing!

Thank you ever so much for the review! What a lovely Easter surprise! :)

Cheers for complementing my characters, and thank you further for giving me some great constructive critisism. I appreciate how you've done this; I know exactly what to do now! **claps while pulling :3 face** Also the first person narrative is quite weird to explain, one day I'll get up to the chapter where readers can actually grasp situations, but until then, I shall keep trying! ^U^

ps; THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THE LUCK!!! XD :D :D :D :D :D :D :D

I'm glad you found this so helpful!

User avatar
FeatherPen
Review

Hey Waddlers!
As promised, I’m back again. Is there a chapter of yours I haven’t reviewed yet? If there is tell me and I’ll rectify it.
Im not sure where the dream is going to fit into this but I like that Tic’s quest is now underway.
The first thing I will point out is that you have not used Tick/Dagger’s name in the first part (the dream). While for some reason I assumed it was him, it would be good to clear it up and sprinkle his name through in place of some of the “he” s.

Today somewhat inspired by your excellent feedback I will be doing a focus more on the plot and characters.
I think it would be good to mention to remind the readers where/why Tick is going on his quest. The current impression is that he has signed up for something dangerous and does not understand the full repercussions of. If I think back a bit I remember that the gargoyles fight demons but I’d have to go back and read again for the full details. The scene in the hall where the gargoyles were asked for volunteers, regarding the quest, was a bit confusing as we saw it from Tic’s point of view.

The other gargoyles are exited and celebrate his departure. (I have a question here do they think he has a chance? If not why are they celebrating and copying his dancing? Because the gargoyles that know him better don’t seem to think he has a chance.). The perfect place to put in these details is where The Notre Dame is speaking even “D’ya all hear? He’s excited about it! Excited about going to battle the demons in ……..” Would be about the entirety of what needs to be added.

Another point concerning this part is his name. He used to be called Dagger and now having disgraced himself he is called Tic. Notre Dame stumbles on this but it doesn’t remind us why it happened in the first place. I feel that getting back his name is important to his motivation as a character. At some point, maybe in the last chapter where he is preparing to leave it would be good to have him think or be told something like “Tic pay attention, Hey don’t touch that, You do this…….tic and you get your old name Dagger back.”

Perhaps it is because I’m feeling tired and have not read the chapters consecutively, rather one every weekish, but I do think I read them rather thoroughly, so feel justified in suggesting a reminder. What you mustn’t do is write an explanation paragraph as a recap. What I am suggesting are just little reminders in among the dialogue and action to keep the motives and back story fresh in out minds.

At the moment there are two stories that as of this point are still completely unrelated. Personally I feel Ana’s part is bigger mostly because more has happed. So far we have seen from Tics story is how he fits in with the other gargoyles, his personality (which is still quite similar to Ana’s) and his preparation for the quest. Meanwhile Ana has been developed in so far as her background and character as well as has been kidnapped met Teedy and ridden dragons to a mole hotel. (Much more). To maintain the reader’s attention on Tic’s story, it may be worth condensing some of his story so we get through the action faster. Slight fore shadowing of how the two stories intertwine might be necessary soon as I had expected them to meet around about this far into the story. If they are about to meet that is fine and I look forward to finding out how and under what circumstance.

Other wise, consider writing Tic’s story and then Ana’s and combining them and the end ***Hmm thinks of example……….. ***

have you read the tale of Despereaux by Kate Dicamillo? If you haven’t do it is a fantastic book, I have two copies; mine and a lending one, so if I lived in England (or you in Oz) I’d lend it to you. However the postage would be about equal to you actually buying it, so instead Ill recommend you borrow it form the library. In Despereaux you have two stories one from the mouses perspective, one form the hand maid and the other from the rat. There stories only meet in the last quarter so rather than request the readers keep the individual stories in their minds switching each chapter, She has characters story written up to a certain part and then in the next quarter of the book tells the story of the next character. Her narration style in this book is also a fantastic example of direct address narration.

Now to my more conventional review
I think that the dream should be put in italics to differentiate it from the other text.

Why would Tik have those things at the back of his mind. Needs a “?”

“Notre Dame had invited herself into his personal space” reads a bit funnily, as with five
thousand gargoyles around, I wouldn’t think there was much of any space.

At the end of this chapter tic leaves so I don’t think you will be able to explain the other gargoyles actions after this point. Perhaps you could go into the mind of the other 13 and get his perspective on the situation. Use him as a bystander who understands what is going on but also has emotions like maybe jealousy or concern?

Many other direction would follow but he hadn’t bothered thinking through it that hard. Typically.
Could be re phrased as “Many other direction would follow, but typically he hadn’t bothered thinking through it that hard.”

Getting the paddles was simple and rowing the boat was easy, although it took him about half a mile of rowing to finally get a hang of it.
Here is a contradiction. Solution could look like “although it took him about half a mile to get a hang of it, after that rowing the boat was easy”

I like the end of this chapter where you talk to us revealing more about the narrator however this doesn’t add to it and left me going, “didn’t you just get around to him?”. “I had decided at the time to get around to him eventually.”

Skimming back over it I realise I have been more critical than normal but it is not centred on the chapter it is just general opinion about some of the story so far, which I am enjoying or would not be back to review. At this point I must end my review as I have used up my violin practice time and must get to bed, I have an early start tomorrow. Good work, I look forward to what follows, Ferran

***High Five***

OMG, I JUST WROTE A REPLY AND IT DISAPPEARED WITHOUT POSTING!!! GODDAMIT!!

Gosh, I wrote so much and I lost it...AUGH!!! Okay, let's do this again!

Oh trust me...the dream fits B) You'll see once i've posted more! Although, I was expecting "tars of fire fly past and bombs of silver explode, leaving black and grey ashes" and "from nowhere hundreds if not thousands of crows flew past him - knocking him, pecking him and making an awful racket" ring a bell... ;)

The Despereaux sounds like an awesome idea!! Escpecislly since on here, the story is book form and not animated...;-; I think I will be using that lay out, so you may have to check up on the chapters by the time you read this... XD I find this INCREDIBLY helpful and it is one of the many things that make your reviews so great!! :D

As for Tik's portrayal, I love that you understand his character so well; by the suggestions you gave me and the clear description of what his situation sounds like! But, for now, Tik will be stripped from YWS until it's his turn XD So things become clearer! We will try it out and if it becomes unfitting, I'll change it back! But I'm sure it will change it for the better!

I love the fact that in this review through (Or you in Oz) you ahve communicated with me on a personal level; It makes your advice much more valuable! Which is also what I love about your reviews! ^U^ *YWSBFFHUG* It is more in depth (which i didn't think was possible! XD) and critical, but actually ahs been TONNES OF HELP!! Sorry about taking up your violin practice time :S Thank you tho!!! Waddlers

**YWSBFF HIGH FIVE TIMES TWO FOR THE PM ONE AND THIS ONE** XD XD XD

That%u2019s great Waddlers,
Aghh it is so annoying when a post disappears! I always write on word (I NEED the spell check) and then copy paste so don%u2019t usually have that problem.
I think that having the stories separate, does work. It also fixes the length problem a bit? But I will keep an eye on it and see if it continues to fit as the story develops.
I%u2019m pleased it was useful, that is always my aim. Have you read Despereaux then?

Yeah, it helps a lot for the word count and no - I've never even heard of it!!! XD LOVE YOUR NEW NAME!!!! LOVE IT SO MUCH!!!!



I am proud of my self, the reason why some of you might disagree with me a little with, but nevertheless I still proud.
— Oxara