Ana had been gone for almost a full day, yet her Mother had called the police after only a few minutes - Ana would never run away! Since she was just grabbing the milk she didn't take her phone. Grabbing milk doesn’t take even one minute! Her Mother thought stressed.
So after about two minutes, her Mother had already felt unease. However, she hoped, as she was brushing Isabelle’s hair, that Ana had popped them by the front and went upstairs. She knew this wasn’t true, however, as she didn’t hear anything but the loud blowing of the hairdryer since Ana had left. And since she didn’t want to frighten Isabelle, she finished abruptly - and when she did, she walked swiftly to the window at the front, only to see a van drive off and no trace of Ana.
Her Mother’s heart has sped up at the thought of Ana being in there - the van. She gulped speechless - her heart was racing so fast that her head couldn’t control it, and even her tears couldn’t function.
She rushed to the door, unsure of what she could actually do. She knew that trying to run after the van would only alert Isabelle. Still, she had to try - at least for her conscience’s sake. Eventually she slowed, realizing the best thing to do was to call the police, and as soon as she reached the phone - as she was standing on the doorstep - she dialed 999. A calm voice answered and there she was; waiting around in their house. Isabelle was up in her room - crying and wailing her heart out for the whole neighborhood to hear. Ana’s Mother gulped what felt like tears down and wiped her eyes. She felt helpless! SHE COULDN’T DO ANYTHING!! She felt so much misery, but was far more mad than sad. It felt horrible. Just waiting for Ana to come back...she missed her daughter so much already.
She thought back to that morning when she woke; there was no asking to go out for breakfast, there was no smiling face that begged for a hot chocolate and there was no voice that sung a sweet morning tune...
She took a deep breathe, feeling in her heart that her daughter was absolutely fine. She was quite certain of that, in fact, but Ana could still be in so much danger, and her nerves were insisting her heart was wrong. She was a complete wreck... just couldn’t do anything but sit there...But she knew that she HAD to be strong. She couldn’t be anything else.
Her mind just kept asking the Universe “Why her?” and as the news had popped on, and the normal yearly kidnapping news story was on, she felt that she finally understood that these things could happen to anyone, and that it doesn’t always just happen to someone else. The good things, maybe...but not the bad. She realized how small a deal they made it out to be. It was a life they were talking about! Everything someone lived to do, feel, and experience was taken away from her baby when she was only 14!
This thinking, however, was only worsening her feelings...It felt so, so angering…Like a painful fire that burned in her chest. A fire that grew larger and hotter with every unanswered question that she could think of.
She hoped it would not go on for long.
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,814 Reviews
Hi Waddlers!
This is very late, I apologize! I don't have much to say on this, but I have a couple quick notes. First of all, I loved the dragons!!! I could not see how they fit in though. I just need a clearer explination of it. Also
needs a space after the period. There was something else, but I forgot what it was. Anywho, great job! Hopefully this helped!!!
MusicalTheaterGirl17
Hey, welcome back MusicalTheaterGirl17!
Thank you for the review! A better explanation....Hmmm...This is quite helpful to know, and I will be thinking about this more! Also, I will add the space! Happy you liked it!! ^U^
Hi Waddlers, good to see you posting. Terribly sorry for not getting around to reviewing ch3 but I’m here now for ch4. Because I’m in a picky mood at the moment, it’s a is a good length review
I felt the first paragraph seemed messy. What struck me first is that you have changed tense in first paragraph from predominantly present tense to past tense. However a few sentences in you switch back to present. This ment that you repeated stuff we already knew. I think this scene could be very strong because it is where Ana’s mother finds she has been kidnapped, but it needs a bit of work.
Starting with “Two minutes from Ana leaving the house, her mother already had a gut wrenching feeling, that some thing was wrong. Grabbing milk doesn’t take even one minute!” And working chronologically from there, in present tense, I think would make this paragraph stronger and more orderly. This may mean that this paragraph needs to fit in a different place in the story.
“She was so sad, but was mad at the same time!” “Ana was such a big part of her life, SUCH a big part.” This is telling and not showing. Telling us that she could not imagine what the next morning would look like without Ana there, would show us that she is a big part of her life. Better yet show us all the things that the mother can see in the house of Ana’s and how she thinks of them. Harder to pull off it is a lot more emotional and will create more empathy with your readers.
I think you have picked just the right emotions of frustration and anger at not being able to do any thing, questioning why her, and realising how much trivial news, matters when it happen to you. These are fantastic as a Mothers first reactions, I’m not sure however if the sad, would have set in just yet, as it suggests resignation of a fact. Denial might be more plausible early on as she is waiting for the police. Later it would be good to go back again and see the mother actively missing her daughter and worrying about what is happening to her. (you probably already have this scene but just saying)
I’m guilty of this myself; in fact my review is probably a perfect example of making sentences too long! Shortening other people’s sentences is always easier than your own, however the second part of this episode would benefit from some sentence shortening. “A couple of hours passed by as they trod along to Neu’s eternal yabbering, squawking and annoyingly high pitched growls until they reached their destination.” Becomes “A couple of hours passed by, as they trod along to Neu’s eternal yabbering, squawking and annoyingly high pitched growls. Eventually they reached their destination. Just keep an eye on how long your sentences are. If you think they might be to long see if you can break them. Then read a version with shortened sentences and the one with loner ones. Decide which you prefer for that scene. I find short choppy sentences work well fro fast paced action or to accentuate a scene. I will just pretend that I am writing long sentences myself, as an example of how not to do it!
When you switch pov it is a good idea to use their name in the first sentence containing them. Then you can switch back to him/her, she/he. In this case I’m talking about this sentence “throughout the trek, neither of the humans had spoken a word, and Ana had stayed at least three metres behind him, looking downward. Pulling a pained expression, which he assumed to be her thinking face.” Which should contain squirrels name.
The rest works nicely and you are pulling off the dialog well. I am beginning to appreciate Ana’s accent which you have kept consistent. Very good work. I love the last part when Ana comes to the realisation that she is not the first. Leaving it like that is a good way to make the reader feel like reading the next chapter. I do when are you posting it? It is great to see you positing chapters, because I really do enjoy reading your story. It is nearly midnight and just now mum is going to notice I am still up. Sure enough here she is and I’ve told her I’m logging off. I will try and review ch3 some time soon but if I don’t get around to it Happy Christmas!
Hey Ferran! Daww!! Gosh, it sure is lovely that you managed to review this, especially for how long the chapters seem to be! I really do appreciate it! ^U^
You caught me!!! Actually, I hardly changed this from the origianl writing - the original writing being present and in 1st person and the updated meant to 3rd person telling what has happened - so i'll definitely go over that paragraph as it is quite important, really! Especially the showing no telling part - that is a very valuable point i'll be sure to go over.
I don't know why but when you also called him Squirrel, it hit me how ridiculous his name is! XD And it does need to be in that opening part. A long with shorter more flowy sentences.
I'm just gonna have a review day tomorrow to earn up all my points and I'll probably post it as soon as I have them. It makes me unbelievably happy when you tell me that you enjoy reading this!!! It really does! And that you and MusicalTheaterGirl17 have been coming back to these every time really warms my heart!!!
Merry Christmas!!! <3