Published July 8, 2015
In rubbish
Neu ^^^^^^^ - Ain't 'e cute!!! ^U^
That hadn’t been so bad, he thought gladly. There had been about 30 minutes of non stop 100% crying the child’s heart out. It had almost made him feel bad, but his shadow had him guilt-free.
Neu just sat looking at the back of the van from the passenger seat. He looked upset.
“What?” The man asked knowingly. The baby griffin laid down as if to say “there is no point in talking to you. You will not understand.” But the man knew. “You want her in the front with us?”
Neu looked at the man surprised and nodded quickly, overjoyed that he thought what he had.
“Maybe one day…” He began smugly. “When she does her job!” He shouted back to where Ana was. The man pondered. He didn’t even know her name… All saved for the next conversation, he supposed. Neu frowned and snuggled back up. However, the man’s shadow gestured a high five, which the man appreciated but refused to respond to.
He yawned. All these sleepers around him! And the stupid shadow - who you’re probably wondering why is hated by his human. The shadow had not done anything wrong yet. YET. Anyway, it was dark, pitch black like winter outside! And granted it was autumn, but this night felt fresher than most. The man did not usually grow tired , but there was a reason.
His shadow had decided that the best thing he could do to help his maker - or rather get his human in some deep trouble that the shadow could watch him struggle in - by turning of the radio and the lights inside the car off.
The man and his shadow were left in dark silence. The shadow waited sneakily for the man to fall into his nightmares to have his go. As long as his shadow was still projected by the moon, the shadow would stay. However, Squirrel ignored the obvious intentions of his shadow and carried on.
He admired as, after hours of driving, the sky became blue. He thought this was what twilight was. He’d seen it many times, and he quite liked driving at that time of day. With no one around. The road was almost empty and the few cars’ lights were soothing and reassuring to see. It was a nice “company” feeling. Neu gave him that feeling, too. He couldn’t say Rylie ever did...Rylie was too curious. He always questioned and never gave the mutual trust the man gave him. Like he had ever let him down or let anything bad happen ever! Well…
Suddenly he heard a gentle snore that distracted him from his trail of thought. It was Neu. He leaned his head on his lion forelimbs. His beak was ever so slightly open and he was making nazel-y breathing noises. The blonde hated to say he thought it was cute. It wasn’t. It was annoying. Ruined his atmosphere.
Although, by that time the next day, they’d be at The Mountain’s Core. Which you will soon find out about.
He sighed. He WAS tired, but he couldn’t stop driving. If he did, they could forget about those cozy beds the following night. He tried to be sympathetic of teenagers, as at that age to sleep for 20 hours in a nice warm bed is close to heaven. Although she was a girl… it must’ve different. They don’t get tired do they? He had thought. He would ask in the morning.
He glanced at his watch. Only 6pm. Well it was September and only twilight, though he had been driving for three hours straight. There was a close encounter with police and, of course, the news report that came on every year had been on.
He grew very drowsy, to his shadow’s joy, and began to doze off… But he would not sleep. Probably…
Throughout the night, his shadow became bolder as the moon brightened further into the night, and of that the man grew weary. Until finally the shadow grew so bold, that when it shut it’s eyes, the man’s, too, were forced to close.
In a way it felt like a suffocation method - hold his eyes shut and wait till the struggling stops - but it made him fall asleep instead of die. The shadow grinned and when it’s eyes opened, it did not force the man’s. The fingers made from the lack of light latched over the steering wheel’s shadow.
The man’s shadow was now in control… and though it’s intentions were the same as the man’s, he enjoyed going the more...risky way…
To be fair, it was the quicker way.
Okay, the edit makes this chapter tiny, but... XD NEVERMIND!!!
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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130,311 Literary Works • 671,513 Reviews
It seems to be heavily implied that the shadow in a much more darker source of Squirrel as in evil. Or maybe that's what you are trying to portray. Yet for me, I get the feeling the shadow is just more of a reckless and mischievous sort of existence. It's not evil, it's just very.....well crazy I suppose would be the best word.
Oh and I was not expecting Nue's form to be THAT! I was waaaaayyyy off base when I guessed what Nue was earlier in the last chapter when I left a review for that. I mean I was completely on left field when Nue is clearly right field material. I found that to be seriously amusing to me.
Well for now it's still good. My only problem I can nitpick with now though is the length of the chapters. I personally wouldn't call these chapters OR episodes. A little too short for me. Perhaps waaayy to short. Oh well though.
Thanks again for the review! Your reaction to Neu, I find FANTASTIC!
You are DEFINITELY the first person to want longer chapters! XD I'm flattered, though!
Hey Waddlers!! I am back! Happy review day! I finally got around to reading this and I was not dissapointed. I could not help falling in love with Tik's character and I loved how energetic and happy he was, following with the theme of the story. This had a couple of nitpicks, so I will elaborate on them here.
1. Point of view. I know you established who was talking with the "Tik's POV" thing, but I personally did not feel like that was enough. Writing transitions from point of view to point of view is always confusing and hard to do, so I understand where the problem is coming from. In most books I have read where the story is told in different points of view, they separate the chapters based on who is talking so the reader can follow easier. Changing point of veiw in the middle of the chapter can be very confusing for readers, so maybe you can change it to something like what I just said.
2. Tik's thoughts. Like I said earlier, I love Tik and I think he is a adorable character, but when I was reading his part, I got confused on multiple occasions, especially when he was explaining the jobs of the different creatures. I was getting a lot of information at once, and it was going in one ear and out of the other. Maybe you can change the formatting on your first eight paragraphs of Tik's part. That would make it much easier to follow.
3. Exclamation points. You have a tendency to use a lot of them. For example,
This paragraph had to many for my taste. Exclamation points should only be used in situations where something very intense is happening in a story, or if a character is speaking. To me in my heads this paragraph sounds like:
See what I mean?
4. This sentence.
This was probably just an accident but it is quiet not quieten.
5. Who is Rylie? Are we not supposed to know who this is or did I just miss something? When the kiddnapper says "Rylie never gave me that feeling." Maybe you can say, "Rylie, my ... never gave me that feeling." Or something to that effect.
Anyway's, once again great job! I really enjoyed this new addition to the story and I can't wait to see how the gargoyle's world and the kidnapper's world are connected. See you for your next chapter!
Hey! ^U^ Thanks for taking the time!! XD
YOU'LL FIND OUT WHO RYLIE IS. HE IS AWESOME. Errrr...
Anyway, I'll deal with the exclamation marks and I hope you stick around for the next chapter. ^U^ I always appreciate your reviews. Thank you!
Your welcome! You will see me for the next one!
When is the next one? Looking forward to reading it. Hope you had a great birthday(bit belated now)
Hey Waddlers sorry it took so long for me to get around to reviewing this.
I liked this scene from the kidnapper’s point of view it has a slightly slower pace than the rest of what I have read so far, which is a nice short rest, like a long car drive.
Rylie was too curious…never gives me the mutual trust I give him” change of tenses
Keep “I can’t say Rylie ever did” but consider changing it too “Rylie is too curious. He always questions me and never gives me the mutual trust I give him.”
I hate to say I think it’s cute. It’s not. It’s annoying. Ruining my atmosphere. I like how you have used short sentences here for effect.
“Unfortunately, by this time tomorrow we’ll be at…” why unfortunately? It sounds to me as though he is looking forward to a nap
“my everything would be deprived of needed rest.” My everything?
In the next section you have given heaps of information about the gargoyles, which I am sure will be useful to know for later on in the story but it has a few contradictions and superfluous bits which make the info harder to absorb. Nevertheless I preferred it to the alternate scene because it feels more thought out.
Because you jumped from the van to Notre Dame it would be nice to have a paragraph introducing the new character and place, before you dive into his point of view.
Some thing like- Tik sat on the corner of the roof of the Notre Dame cathedral and watched as the Alucins gargoyles soared above.
"Supposedly they’re sending nearby demons to hell" sounds as though he doesn’t think they actually go to hell so would make more sense with out the Supposedly.
“I’m only on stage two of Tymen - basically, I can stop and start time...That’s it!!!” You don’t need the Basically.
“They know us as the thirteenths.” A line or two showing how the other gargoyles treat the 13s would add to this statement. Are they bullied, teased or just generally looked down on?
A gargoyle hasn’t died in...Well I don’t know how many gargoyles have perished, but most cases of dead gargoyles only occur through be smashed or cracked when we are in our stone forms.
Could be said just as well as
In most cases gargoyles only die by being smashed or cracked when we are in our stone forms. But in some cases a gargoyle perishes when……
This was you tell us what perishing is.
“still not that strong though, especially me and Clarke -, which helps as we’re are the oldest” This says that it helps that he and Clarke are not that strong. I don’t think that is what you were trying to say. Rephrasing it as this might be better “Grotesques are the least pure but most powerful. Clarke and I are Grotesques, which helps as we’re are the oldest and because of our slightly-higher-than-average power, we can be Tymen AND Alucins.
But soon I was close to The South Tower and was surprised to see not only a few thousands of gargoyles, but almost all of them were looking anxious or worried.
Is clearer as
But soon I was close to The South Tower and was surprised to see a few thousands of gargoyles, almost all of them were looking anxious or worried.
Once the action starts your writing become clearer and more self assured. What has Tik got himself into?!
Over all I don’t think this chapter was quite as good as your previous two but as always I really enjoyed reading it.
Hey! Don't worry ^U^, I was fine with waiting.
I'm going to try respond to the whole thing at once, so...Here we go!!!
The explaining and writing before the action was taken (pretty much exactly) from the start of the deleted scene. Where it gets good is where I re-wrote it. I guess I was a lot more awake. I'll make the changes eventually and, as always, I'm very thankful for the review!! Hope this one doesn't put you off the story. ^U^ Bye!
Here is the alternate scene were we meet Tik - I had not made Clarke at the time and it does not make sense due to my Alucins/Tymen rules, but here it is!!!
*****DELETED SCENE - BEGIN*****
“10 more minutes, then I have to send you to your chambers, OK?” That sounded fair. Which is what he is...but I’m the least pure, least appreciative and least like the rest of us. Angel’s guide gargoyles in their purpose. We’re like little ugly stone angels that humans made and put their faith and hope into. But I’m “Hopeless”. That’s my nickname. My real name’s Tik. It was Dagger, but since I’m not Alucins that wouldn’t have made any sense to keep. Clarke’s name is just weird.
Alucins were amazing to see in action, I thought as Clogs swooped into combat. It wasn’t real combat...Well it WAS, but…
When our bodies are stone we are either sleeping or our pure spirit is fighting against nearby demons and bad spirits. So I could see their...ghosts? No one but a gargoyle could see them, like no one but a gargoyle could move when time is stopped - Unless you’re on stage 5 of Tymen.
They swooped amazingly through the night sky stabbing and ridding the village of devils. There were only two or three, but I can’t describe how magical it all looked. For seven straight minutes I watched a war that could not be won by any other than us - gargoyles. Humans can try. But humans try everything. They know no limitations. Like me! Which is why I WOULD be an Alucins tonight! I grabbed the stone dagger I was given at birth - shaped as a cross for religiousness - from the inside of my waistcoat - which is the only things gargoyles wear if they’re Tymen - and put on a helmet for safety. Satisfied with the precautions I took, I made my body become stone and my spirit swooped out - free! I looked around for a demon. Ahha! I saw a little tike trying to sneak into a little boy’s bedroom. No one was concentrating on me or the demon. I smiled craftily and glided over to it silently. In this form, my wings actually had a purpose. I hid behind the nearby wall and looked around to see it. A minute or odd passed where just I was working up the courage to attack. It had been slowly lifting the boy’s window - quite weakly. Finally I got it, and bam! My dagger went straight through the demon...
Not doing anything to it…
What? This couldn’t be happening! I just stabbed it!!! With my special dagger!!! It was supposed to be dead!!!
*Clog’s POV*
“OK, Tik, it’s been ten minutes, time to-” He wasn’t there. Hopefully he was in bed...but I decided to go and check anyway. I swooped aggressively and nervously through the many chambers and dungeons before I finally reached his. I didn’t dare look inside, but I knew I had to. And the moment I did, I knew what Tik was doing.
He wasn’t there.
“IDIOT!!!” I roared. My anger echoed throughout the catedral and it woke EVERYONE up. They all knew what was happening when I shouted that. They knew that everyone had to get up and find that buffoon - Hopeless.
*Tik’s POV*
The demon looked at me with evil humour and a twisted smile. Then it opened it’s jaws wide and hissed at me, the depths of hell looking me in the eye. By now, he had me pressed up against the boy’s window, we were making creak and move up slightly. The boy was looking quite freaked out by it - he couldn’t see us. All he could see was his window stuttering. I had a feeling that my helmet wouldn’t help that much. Still, I had my dagger and that’s all I -!
AAAH!!! That flippin’ thing knocked it right outta my hand!
I scowled.
“Son of a -!”
“TICKING TIMEBOMB!!!” By that he meant me, and by “he” I meant Father.
A flash of light shot down and shrivelled the beast - right when I was mad enough to kill him! - then, as fast as it came, it vanished. Shame.
Both my Father and Clogs landed lightly on the pavement near me.
“TIK! How many upon how many times have I had to tell you about drinking all of Clogs’ orange juice!?!?” Father yelled. Clogs’ face immediately lifted in embarrassment - Clogs always got orange juice and whenever I had some he would get REALLY mad - and whispered something into Father’s ear. “Oh, I see!” he boomed with laughter, a lovely red smile purifying on to his face. “Ha! Orange juice…” his features fell slowly “Anyhow,” he began kind of embarrassed. “Tik... I see you’ve had yourself in a bit of trouble again...” He said it disappointed, but then for some reason he chuckled. I smirked back.
Although my Father’s response was comforting, every other gargoyle for the rest of that day, week, month, year! Would be scowling and tutting at me. For some reason that made me want to laugh.
“Now...back to your relic, please.” He said quite plainly and more calm and tired. I grabbed my dagger and glided back. Everyone was staring at me. I blushed, I loved the attention! But something inside me, even though I try to not be whiny, wishes it could taste victory or pride. Confidence and self accomplishment. I so want to do a job well. I really would like to be congratulated. I don’t hate them. I hate myself. Have you ever let someone down? When you could feel their trust from their eyes to your own soul? And you try your hardest to do things well, but everything is just like a stroke of bad luck.
I’ll never be able to regain anyone’s faith. I’m Hopeless.
*****DELETED SCENE - END*****