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You, My Teacher, Who Taught Me

by Stringbean


You, My Teacher, Who Taught Me

that people are like the shifting moon.

Though your far side be lit silver by the sun,

this face, to me, is eclipsed.


So be it.


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Wed Sep 30, 2020 6:16 pm
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Vil wrote a review...



Reviews! Extra Reviews Here! Extra, Extra, Read All About It! @Vil wanted to make sure he had reviewed all of his friend's works!

Hey there, Stringbean! XDD

...you were more concise than I was, per usual Is it bad that I envy you when it comes to detail and conciseness? XD

Also, yeah, I regret telling you to repeat that line as both the title and the starting line. ;-; My bad...

It's short. They're all short. Write me an epic, okay? Like... Write a poem where you name all the leaders of Misericord! Call it "The Leaders of Misericord in Verse" or something! XD I want some lengthhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!




Stringbean says...


XDDD

Well, tell you what. I'll show you how to be detailed and concise and you tell me how to have some frickin' realistic dialogue and how to build a plot :D

...Believe it or not, but my poems suddenly got very short and "dense" when I started posting them here. I literally had not written one like that before this site. It's weird XD



Vil says...


XDDDDDD



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Tue Sep 15, 2020 12:56 am
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RavenLord wrote a review...



Hi, Stringbean! Raven here with a review for ya.

I lover how concise this was, and you really have a way with words. The way you incorporate the title into the poem was great, and that ending line gave me chilled. Great work overall!

I do have one critique for you on this poem: There could be more done with this. I can see you intended for this piece to be short, but it feels like there's more to unpack here. Tell me more about this mentor and their relationship to the speaker! Without context, this lovely stanza feels a little confusing.

Like I said, that's all I have for you. I loved your wording and what you did with the poem. Keep up the great work! Happy RevMo and happy writing :D

Best,
RavenLord

P.S. If you see any typos, it's because I'm on mobile. Sorry in advance!




Stringbean says...


Thank you! c:
I'll try playing around with that idea.



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Mon Sep 14, 2020 10:43 pm
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whatchamacallit wrote a review...



Hi there Stringbean, I'm here for a quick #RevMo review on your short and bittersweet poem!

So my first impression is wow, you've got a lot of great imagery in such a small poem - and, even better yet, it's in a consistent imagery family. It's really clever how the first line has a moon description, the second a sun description, and the third ties them together. (Also calling the sunlight silver is a really neat and unique description!)

My biggest suggestion would be to actually cut out the entire final line of "So be it"; the line before feels like a super strong ending to me, and then those three words feel almost like a tack on -> not bad, just not quite as strong and concise. They also don't really add much meaning or emotion to the poem, for me at least - I can already tell from the language that the reader has a resigned tone, which makes the last line sort of unnecessary.

But if you're attached to that line, that's fine too, it's not really detracting much from the poem, I just personally feel it'd be even better without it!

My other main suggestion would be to remove the repetition of the title from the body of the poem. Visually, I'm not fond of how the underline looks (which is 100% just my opinion and taste, so take it with a grain of salt), and the reader can already see that the first line is a continuation of the title, based on how it's structured. I think if you still want to obviously indicate that the title leads into the poem, you could format it something like this:

You, My Teacher, Who Taught Me -
by Stringbean
September 13, 2020
Poetry: Realistic, General


- that people are like the shifting moon.

(Don't mind all that fancy mimicking of how the literary work is formatted, that's just me being unreasonably and unnecessarily fancy)

Anyway what I mean is add a dash to the end of the title and another to the start of the first line, to show that they flow into each other. I feel like that'd convey the same idea but more succinctly and more visually appealing.

Overall though, this is a really strong poem. I'm getting the impression that you like writing short, to the point poems, which I think is awesome! It's impressive how much you can fit into such a small amount of writing - this poem is no exception, and I love love love the imagery you use.

That's it for the review, I hope it's useful, and keep writing!

whatchamacallit


Image




Stringbean says...


Thanks for the review!

Yeah, I debated that last line for a while. I like it both ways and have gotten feedback for and against it, so I don't know what to do XD

As for the first line, the one that's underlined, I actually meant for that to be the title itself. I just don't like the way a poem looks on here with the title up above and so far separate from the poem itself :p

And I'm glad you like the short poems! Thank you : D



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Sun Sep 13, 2020 10:32 pm
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Vil says...



No review, today, but-- bad teacher.




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Sun Sep 13, 2020 8:36 pm
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LordMomo wrote a review...



Momo, squire, here to review! Let's get started!

To begin, thank you! I was waiting for someone to write a realistic poem and you were the first!

You, Me Teacher, Who Taught Me

I think you mean "My Teacher"?

That was the only grammar mistake I found, which is part of what makes this poem beautiful! One question: who are you talking about? An actual teacher, like at school? Or what? That's my only question. But I love this poem so much! It's short and descriptive. Keep writing, and have a happy RevMo!
Momo
Image




Stringbean says...


Ahhhhh and I thought I'd looked so carefully WoW

Lol thank you for pointing that out, I've fixed it now.

And to answer you're question, no, it's a figurative teacher.



LordMomo says...


ok great!



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Sun Sep 13, 2020 8:35 pm
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Buranko wrote a review...



This is a poem that is really really filled with feelings and overall poetical essence despite its small size!
Hi there! I am Buranko and I'm really excited to review this work.
First impresion: "God damn is this a hard poem!" I read it 3 times to grasp a little of its meaning, and the thoughts behind it. I think you made it as a meditation of the persona over the profound theme of the condition of a human. Us as humans judge our own kind by certain criterias, and we don't do it objectively but rather subjectively. Most of the times first impressions are wrong.
Understanding a person comes with interaction with that person. Your metaphor is really accurate. Without further inspection we can't see the precious part in a human "silver", but the black part without any distinguishable features.
I believe the sun in your work that lights the moon is the same thing as one's talents, knowledge, personality, basically anything that makes you look at a person in a different light.
The ending is a sad acceptation over the impulse of all humans to perceive people in such a way that it always ends up as wrong. This can be related to a poet's first impression on a stranger. That little boy in a white shirt with messy hair but shiny eyes may seem as ordinary but unless you read his works, you cannot understand the world he lives in when writing and his brilliant thinking.

Great work. Keep up!




Stringbean says...


Thanks for your review! This is really insightful for me as the poet. The first part of your interpretation especially pretty much hit it on the head! Our judgments of other people are subjective and based on what we know (or don't know) about them.

I actually had something a little different in mind for the second part (something a little more cynical I'm afraid), but I can definitely see how what you've said comes as a good interpretation too. That's always interesting to see.

I'm glad you liked this one so much and pulled so much out of it! Thanks!! c:



Buranko says...


Hehe, my favourite activity when reading a poem is overthinking. Seeing how the mood of a poem is so easily influenced by a change in the meaning is mindblowing. I am soo grateful to my mum for teaching me to analyse a poem!



Stringbean says...


I know it!
That's really great. It's really something how much more appreciation you can have for a poem just by paying a little bit closer attention to it. Makes a world of difference.



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Sun Sep 13, 2020 7:42 pm
Stringbean says...



@LordMomo
Tagging you for a realistic poem to review! c:




LordMomo says...


thx!



Stringbean says...


You're welcome!
Feel free not to review though if this isn't your style, I won't take offence XD




Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.
— Mark Twain