Come Open
You said
that in the darkness
eyes open
to find light.
And you said
that the light
was there.
But I've seen them
in the darkness
with eyes blurred,
eyes blinded.
I've seen them
pass close
to the light.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
137,585 Literary Works • 672,049 Reviews
Hey there, Beany! Here's a tiny review for your tiny poem!
So, I think that this poem is about Natalia, Oma, or Onkle Peter. Why Onkle Peter? No idea! It doesn't even mention the you-know-whats!
I really like he repetition of "darkness" and light," but I'd like to see you expand upon them and increase the length.
Have a nice [Insert time of day here*]!!!
Love ya, Beany! <3
I actually could see it being about one of them lol.
Thanks, VP! Love you too! <3
Continue this poem.
Could you add some explanation to that?
Hey Stringbean! I saw your lovely little poem in the green room so I thought I'd drop by for a review
Light synonyms: brightness, glow, blaze, brilliance, glare, gleam
I love how you're able to keep your poem so short and still get a lot of meaning through - as someone who has difficulty keeping things concise, I find that really impressive! Relatedly, my main critique is that in a poem that is so short, you want to make every single word count. So I'd recommend cutting out some of the repeated vocabulary - for example, you use "light" three times, and "darkness" twice. In the spoiler below I've put different synonyms you could consider, to keep things engaging and add some variety.
Spoiler
Darkness synonyms: gloom, shadow, murk, blackness
Another thing I'd like was if you specified who or what "them" is. What has the narrator seen in the dark? Shadows? monsters? fears? treasures? friends? enemies? the sun? Right now I'm not sure whether I should feel sorry for the narrator or be happy for them, so I think some more specifity could help strengthen the poem in that regard.
I definitely agree with @silverquill12 that the flow in this poem is beautiful. It's a lovely balance between choppy and smooth, if that makes any sense at all, and it makes it really enjoyable to read the poem aloud.
I also like the subtle alliteration you have in the lines
as it sort of adds to the rhythm of the poem.
Overall, really well done for such a short piece of writing! My main two suggestions are 1) cutting down on repeated vocabulary and 2) seeing if you can add more specificity about "them". I hope you find this review useful and if you've got any questions feel free to ask!
Keep writing!
whatchamacallit
Thank you! I'll definitely consider those two points when I revise again c:
Hey! Silverquill here, with a review!
and as well as in the first lines of the last two stanzas, with and Apart from the added prepositions, they're nearly identical. This creates (in my mind, at least) a sort of call and response type structure that I believe works very well with this poem. You almost deceive the reader with how simple this looks, but you hide all these nuanced poetic devices and structure in what appears to be a simple work. Well done!I quite enjoyed this poem! It's short, and yet so haunting at the same time. Something about the first two stanzas with the "you said" sounds so accusatory and... just overall painful, I guess. You did a good job with maintaining that sort of mysterious and emotional atmosphere throughout the poem, so... good job with that! In my opinion, that was one of the defining features and what made this poem so good.
Another thing I really enjoyed was the line flow and pattern. You start with a stanza with four lines, then go to three, then back to four, and then three. It creates this nice poetic pattern that is super subtle but just seems to work. Another thing is that you have similar first lines in the first two stanzas, with
My only criticism is that I had to read it a couple times to get the meaning and to read it the correct way. You have a few words in there that can be both verbs and adverbs/adjectives, like open and close. When I was reading, that kind of tripped me up a little, but that could just be me. I don't know.
Overall: phenomenal job! I enjoyed this more and more the more times I read it. Nice work, and keep writing!
Thank you!! c:
I'm really glad to hear that! Lol and I can see now what you mean about the open/close words xD
...I don't know why I said in the description that this is for my chapbook.
It's not...
I have another one to publish that is...
I need to sleep...
Spoiler
Spoiler