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Rendering

by Stringbean


Remember the rock that was swept away
when at last the red flood came?
Remember the pillar that finally crumbled
when its earth was pushed astray?
Remember the beating of that powerful heart
in a chest of chainmail made?
Remember the blood that fell in secret
while the links were torn apart?

And do you remember the words you said
when you told me how much you loved her.
Now those words seem to echo dead
from the ashes that have built her.


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Sun Jan 03, 2021 5:39 pm
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Vil wrote a review...



Hey, Beany! Congrats-- you're review 199! =D

Okay, so, first off-- yay, it rhymes! I love it when you make poems that rhyme, they always turn out really very well. c:

I think that the fact that "remember" is repeated throughout this poem really emphasizes that the story told here happened at least a while ago. This poem reminds me of Tolkien's "The Lament for the Rohirrim," which you can read in full here. Specifically, I am reminded of the lines "They have passed like rain on the mountain, / Like a wind in the meadow; / The days have gone down in the West / Behind the hills into shadow."

Anyways, that's my two sense!

ave a nice [*insert time of day here*]!!!




Stringbean says...


Thanks, Vil! I kind of like how my rhyming ones turn out too, I'll have to work on that more XD

And that's a really sad poem, but also I like it ;-;



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Wed Nov 25, 2020 5:59 am
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Samk642 wrote a review...



Samk642 here for the first review in a couple years! how much fun!

excellent little poem!!
I enjoy in the second stanza the A B design! I am not very well versed in prose, but I do believe that to be a correct A B it shouldn't repeat the final word on both B sections. probably wrong at that, and would love to be corrected by someone more knowledgeable!

the repetition of remember is an interesting piece. generally poems that I have read use the repeating as a response, or call. an excellent example is the poem "Nevermore" by Edgar Allen Poe. With how you are using it in this poem though, perhaps replacing the last two remembers with synonyms such as recall and reminisce. something along those lines, I feel would make it flow better. or alternatively write more of a response or call in relation to these statements of Remember!

the story told of recollecting about past battle, and the dead world to the one that the warrior created is a fun concept! if you ever do revise or tweak it perhaps think of expounding on what you have so far?

to sum it up, excellent job!! I absolutely despise writing poetry, and am quite terrible at it. You told a story, that has a wonderful melancholy cadence of time past. Keep up the good work!




Stringbean says...


Thanks for the review!

I have no idea about the predetermined format for different kinds of poems lol. I don't really worry about those and just go with what I like/think works.



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Tue Nov 24, 2020 6:33 pm
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NastyMajesty wrote a review...



--STRINGBEAN? SO THIS IS YOU! Hello @Stringbean! Imma pop in here and give you a quick little review ;)

I really enjoyed reading this poem! I like how you start with "remember" in every other line in the stanza. The description you used in this poem was so evocative. The first stanza was so powerful and in the second one, you really gave it a great twist when you used "remember" again but this time you established that she (whoever she is) was dead lol. Why did I say lol after dead? Am I really that morbid--

Now those words seem to echo dead
from the ashes that have built her.
This line really hit hard and it's a great way to conclude the poem! Anyways, that's about all I've got to say! Keep it up and keep writing!
~Your friendly neighborhood NastyMajesty <3 (:




Stringbean says...


Thank you!



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Tue Nov 24, 2020 2:10 am
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Vil says...



o.o

Uh...

Jaques, Natalia is gonna figuratively kill you XD




Stringbean says...


...Welp XD




here is the deepest secret nobody knows (here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud and the sky of the sky of a treee called life; which grows higher than the soul can home or mind can hide) and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)
— e.e. cummings