This is a collection of themed poems I'm still developing. Here's what I've got so far. Each poem can be read separate, but they are also part of a group and single theme that I hope will start coming through.
1.
I
am a raindrop
lost
in a bucket
lost
in a trillion
just like me.
And still
I
am one.
2.
I am a chasm under the ground
filled with an ocean thrashing around.
Waves in the darkness, invisible surf,
I thrash 'gainst the walls--
and don't tell you.
Outside, you hear only
my echo...
3.
I am a pool filled with poison
poison
poison.
I am a pool that drinks sadness
drinks
deep.
I am a pool filled with mercy
and for the offender
righteous anger.
And of all of it
I overflow.
4.
Thunder through me
and hot lighting strike.
Dark cloud overhanging,
but don’t you know? Also overhung.
Big and black and spreading,
just another cloud boiling.
Rain down drops of hell from the heavens,
from my mouth like angry spittle
or from my fists like beating hail.
Don’t you know? There’s a water cycle.
So don’t you call me a raincloud.
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140,268 Literary Works • 673,077 Reviews
I remember reading this! It was awesome! Love it still! c: #socialweek
Ayyye thanks! c:
Hello there again, @Stringbean! It's... whatever it is you're going to call me, as VP just ain't gonna work here any time soon, is it? Nope? Didn't think so...
XDD
Um... why am I here again?
Oh yeah, to decimate-- er, I mean, review, yes, review you're collection of poems!
So, my first impression here is that you're skilled at rising non-rhyming poems with limited structure, but we already knew that, didn't we?
Still waiting on that rhyming poem >:)Tiny. Minute (as in, mine-oot). Simplistic. In other words-- very Misericord.
I don't think that the ellipsis fits at the end there.
No critiques here, although I like the repetition of poison.
I really like this poem and feel like it's my favorite!
Have a nice [*insert time of day here*]!!!
Thanks!!
Wow, did you just insult my/Natalia's country? XDD
Hi Stringbean, welcome to YWS - I hope you're enjoying it here so far.
I agree with @Mel_pourout there's a wonderful sense of continuity between all of these especially with the continuous rain and sea imagery throughout the poems. My critique would be I'm having some issues identifying one specific conflict - and I don't know if I should be looking for 1 conflict or 4 conflicts -> since you posted them together I'm assuming you want them to be read together. But I'm seeing in the first poem the conflict of individualism versus being surrounded and overwhelmed in the world by otherness, the 2nd poem is the most vague to me - I like the emotion - but I can't tell exactly what's happening beyond the metaphorical sense. It seems to be about someone who is very upset and wants to be heard, but can't be for whatever reason.
The third poem seems to imply from the word offender, that the speaker was deeply perhaps physically harmed by someone, and yet even in their sadness and pain they feel forgiveness.
Then interestingly the fourth poem shifts back to anger and being overwhelmed with sadness, but I can't tell what it is, or why they don't want to be called a raincloud.
I think the poem's progression would make more sense as 1, 2, 4, 3. Rather than their current ordering of 1, 2, 3, 4. Because both 2 and 3 are lingering on the negative sadness - and then 4 moves to forgiveness. I think you can work on emotional and narrative continuity since you've already nailed thematic continuity. I hope that makes sense!
I like the different formatting things you're doing, especially in the first poem and then the one where you repeat "poison, poison" I think it makes it more dramatic but also has the effect of making the poem seem like it is physically a water drop falling into a bigger area from the stilted line breaks. Clever usage of form that I'd like to see more of in that 4th poem.
Hope some of these comments gave you some ideas for revisions! Keep on writing, and if you feel strongly your poem should be one way or are going for something else than what I suggested, feel free to ignore my suggestions - poetry is very personal after all, and sometimes not every reader is going to understand the author's intended progression.
Good luck!
- alliyah
Thanks for your review alliyah! c:
I actually really like that you brought up the ordering of the poems, because that will definitely be important when the chapbook is finished. I haven't worked on that too much yet, mainly just because I have several more poems to do, so I just put these four up in the order they were written lol. But yes, I'm glad you reminded me about that, and your suggestion for the ordering of these four and the story you're starting to get from it is really interesting and helpful!
So, for this collection, the theme is really just different kinds of people, so starting off, my idea has been to just write a poem for one kind of person, or one side of them, and another for another kind/side etc. It's turning out as I go to be focusing more specifically on the deeper, more hidden parts of people, and I'm still working on developing why exactly water is the combining element here (no pun intended), although I have some ideas on that. So each poem is really meant to be read as a single "conflict," and then together I'm hoping the theme will start to build as the reader would go on, creating a sense of how much we miss when just looking at the surface of a person. I'll consider the idea of it somehow forming a single sense of a story though, I think I really like that!
As for the formatting, I was hoping for that sense! Thanks for pointing it out. In the forth poem, yes, I'm a little less sure about the form. That one definitely needs more editing yet lol.
Thanks again! c:
Hi! I'm FlamingPhoenix and I'm here to drop off your first review! Lets get started!
So I looked really hard at this poems and I can't for the life of me see anything wrong with it, it all flows really well and it doesn't feel unnatural in any way, so great job!
So I would like to talk about you poems for a bit!
I read your little note at the top and did as you said and read each poem separately, and they each had some really strong emotions behind them and a great little story. So I loved them all and it was cool to see each one mean the same thing and yet in a very different way. Very unique so great job.
Then if you know me my curiosity got the best of me and I read them all as one large poem, and I was just blown away! I just loved it! All the little stories got mixed together and one and made this really large emotional story not is a sad way though.
So as you can tell I'm really looking forward to the finished versions of these poems and I'm super pumped to see what they will be like all together.
Well that's all from me! I hope this review helped! I also hope to see these poems all finished and lots more to follow! I hope you have a great day or night!
Your friend
FlamingPhoenix
Reviewing with a fiery passion! 🔥
Thank you!!
So far, these are turning out way better than I expected, I'm really excited!
I love what you said about reading them all together and getting a story! I hadn't actually thought about that and the ordering is literally just the order they were written in, so that's really interesting and gives me an idea I can't wait to try out now lol. Thanks for the added perspective!
I'm glad I could help!
In short:
You, my friend, are a Stringbean Sprout XDD
XDD
Oh wow! I really like your poems.
The very first one got me hooked to keep reading; the way I interpreted it was that no matter even in a big crowd of people they are still one, they still have a life. I'm not sure if what I said makes any sense. Throughout your four poems there is a constant feeling to it. They all have a feeling that hits a little bit close to home.
Thanks! c:
It's really good to know that they keep your interest from the beginning, so thank you for pointing that out. And yes, your interpretation makes sense and that's basically the gist of it!
To clarify, the numbers are meant to separate poems. I tried to add spacing, but it kept being deleted, so... :\
Also, poem 3 should be in three stanzas.
If you want to fix that try holding down shift and then hit enter every time you need a new line. It works for me on my computer, but sometimes messes with the spacing in the line you are currently writing. There%u2019s also a whole forum called %u201CHow to Format Poetry%u201D in the YWS Knowledge Base that explains it more in depth. But yeah, I totally understand your problem because I struggled with it a lot when I first joined
Oh, thank you so much!