Then the frost came
and settled herself over everything.
She brought stillness
after summer's heat
and the rot of autumn war.
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Canary word: Present
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Hi there Stringbean! I'm here for a quick #RevMo review on your short poem!
I don't have any huge critiques for this poem, just a couple of things you could experiment with if you're looking to play around
1) I honestly feel like this could be interesting in present or future tense? I'm not sure if you're wanting all the poems from this chapbook to be in the same tense, but if not, I'd definitely at least consider those tenses. Or maybe even make three versions of the poem, one in each tense? I just feel like in a poem like this, tense can have a huge effect on the tone and meaning of the piece, and that could be super cool to look at!
2) You mention summer and autumn, and indirectly mention winter through "frost", so I almost feel like you're obliged to mention spring, too? Maybe something about how frost anticipates the cherry-blossom spring to come could incorporate that. But that's definitely not necessary, just something to consider!
Overall, this is another lovely, concise poem of yours that was a very enjoyable read! I hope this review was helpful / gave you some ideas, and if you've got any questions feel free to ask!
Keep writing!
whatchamacallit
Thank you! I kinda like that idea about the tenses, I hadn't even considered that... I might play around with that one c:
Hey there, @ Stringbean! It's your old pal Vilnius, here to review your work!
So, my first impression is-- short. Not that I have anything against short poems, but I like a bit of meat, y'know? Short poems can be good poems, but longer ones can be good as well.
Well, and shorter ones can be harder to review, which is why I haven't reviewed these yet, but-- moving on.Now, for the critique--
You've done an excellent job at expanding upon your water-themed chapbook by personifying frost. Like @Tuckster, though, I feel like a few tiny word changes could be made to not just lengthen it, but also to improve the poem (and thus the chapbook) as a whole.
Have a nice [*insert time of day here*]!!!
Alright! I'll add it to my "things to keep in mind" list for revision XD
Hey there stringbean! Tuck here with a review for you today.
It's a simple line, but there's a contrast here that better establishes both frost and the autumn season. By no means are you obligated to utilize this, but it may be worth fiddling with and seeing how it sits with you.I enjoyed the personification that you used throughout this poem. It made it feel more personal (pun intended) and was a nice poetic device to use as you talk about nature. I also enjoyed the mental image of the war of autumn and the way you discuss "rot" as a contrast to the heat of summer and the pleasant coating of frost.
Moving forward to some critique, I felt that you could have better utilized some contrast here to make this poem even more compelling. For example,
There are also some opportunities you have here to use more potent word choice to make your points stronger. I'm gonna quote the entire poem and bold the words that I feel are a weak word choice and then "rewrite" some of the poem so you can see the effect using stronger words have. Please note that this is not necessarily the "better" or "improved" version, just an opportunity for you to consider the effect of different word choice
And finally, I think tying this to a more personal image could be a good way to create a more emotional impact with this poem. Robert Frost uses a lot of natural imagery in his poetry, but he always ties it to personal emotions: woods can represent loneliness to him, trails can represent choices, etc. Painting a vivid picture through words is a noble calling, but a nobler calling is to make people feel through the pictures you paint. Maybe connect the frost to a feeling of peace, an example of transition in life, etc. It's totally up to you where you want to take this, but I think your best move is to take this a little further by connecting it to a human emotion.
I hope this review was helpful to you, and please feel free to take any of the suggestions you thought were helpful and leave the rest. If you have any questions, let me know and I'll do my best to clear it up. I look forward to reading more from you!
Best,
Tuck
Thanks for the detailed review!
Just real quick, did you happen to see the description that went with the poem? It's part of a chapbook I'm working on, the theme of which is using different forms of water/water metaphors to look into different kinds of people or different motivations of different kinds of people, like how they approach life and such. I know as a stand alone poem that may not come through very clearly as it would hopefully when put with the other poems. So more than being about nature, this is intended to be a metaphor describing a kind of peace-bringing person in the midst of/cooling a heated dispute-- that sort of idea, loosely.
I see what you're saying about the word choice. I'm hoping the simplicity adds something to the poem rather than weakening it when viewed through that lens I just described, so I may have to go back and re-analyze that to see how well that's working.
hey, MomoandAppa here!
this. is. AMAZING. i love it. the description of summer ending and winter beginning, mwah! like Liminality said, it's great how you can say so much with so little. you paint such a lovely picture with two sentences. all this to say, <3<3<3!!!!
Thank you!!
I really love how you can say so much with just a few lines. This to me gives a sense of strong character and using nature symbols and imagery to carry that.
1. I like how you matched each image to common associations people have with the seasons, as it describes the subject vividly and connects it to a wider body of nature poems. The frost is "settled", "summer's heat" is contrasted with "stillness" and I particularly like "the rot of autumn war". Using the association of autumn with death (I think?) is really interesting, as it implies a story behind the poem involving some kind of violence or grief.
2. Another reason why I like the last line is that it is so precise in what it is describing. It brings to mind colours like red and brown, like blood and corpses. I think the earlier lines could be even stronger if you carried this there. For example, instead of a blanket statement like "over everything", maybe you could describe what the frost is settling herself on. Is it trees? A village? I want to know more
3. At first, I felt the transition from first to second stanza was a bit abrupt. It sort of broke the flow of the poem. However, on my second reading the abruptness seemed somehow fitting with the silence of "frost". It makes me imagine that this stillness is stunning or surprising, given the heat and chaos before the frost came. This is especially so because the poem begins "Then . . . " as if picking up from a different time. I think the "then" also suggests suddenness, in a way.
Overall, this is an interesting concept put in lucid and clear language. Even though there are some parts where I thought you could be more detailed, the poem is still quite satisfying for me to read. The strong images that are there intrigue me and make me linger on the poem for some while.
Cheers!
Liminality
Thanks so much for your thoughtful review! c:
All the points you raised a really useful, thank you. Number one is basically what I was going for, and you even seem to have gotten more out of it than I expected in number two, which is great to hear! I'll have to consider your suggestion in two. I definitely see what you mean going back and looking at it, but at the sime time, I don't want to be too specific because I do mean-- everything. I might be able to work in something a little more descriptive and symbolic though that hones my meaning better! The effect you got from the transition in point three is also exactly what I wanted!! I'm really glad you liked it c: