we're moving in circular motion,
you and i.
(or is it myself and me?
me and my dreams,
sagging at the seams,
whipped cream, oh
i don't know what i mean.)
some forces are unseen.
but i seem to see:
centripetal acceleration = velocity^2 / radius
(equations describe meaning,
and meaning is beautiful.)
oOo
is it true that
if i continue for long enough
i'll end up back at the beginning?
(i think that sounds like a pleasing prospect.
i would like to be young again.)
and maybe you can't escape the circle
but i can traverse planes
and i know monotony is not inevitable;
there is a life in 3D
for us
out there
somewhere.
i tear the air.
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Canary word: Present
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125,027 Literary Works • 672,774 Reviews
This is a really cool poem; happy to have just re-read it.
Aw, thanks, alliyah!!
Hi mint! Lim here with a short review.
Themes and Interpretation
My interpretation of the poem is that the speaker starts off feeling stuck, with their dreams “sagging” and feeling like they are travelling in circular motion. By the end of the poem, they seem to have found hope for a more interesting life and enthusiastically “tear the air” to try and find it. At first, I wasn’t sure where the “meaning is beautiful” line fit in – but then I wondered if “meaning” here also connects to the sense of ‘meaning in life’, which would connect with the thought that the speaker wants to pursue their dreams or lead a more interesting life.
Structure
Something I liked about this poem was the way the rhythm related to the content.
This part had an even beat. The pattern of stressed syllables is even the same for the first two of those lines. The other lines are all linked together by having the same slant rhyme (dreams/seams/cream/mean). At first I thought it sounded playful, but once the interpretation of the speaker being stuck got to me, I realised it could be considered monotonous or repetitive, just like the speaker spinning in circles.
Meanwhile, this part felt more melancholy or wistful, with the absence of rhyme and the increasing line length down the poem (and then ending with a shorter line). I felt like the pace of reading could slow down with this part.
The change of line length here also creates a change of rhythm. Having “out there/ somewhere” each be its own line seems to convey the speaker’s insistence through emphasis, that there is something better they could strive for.
Language and Imagery
Something I noticed about the language was that the “you” in the poem didn’t seem to appear much. “you” was mentioned in the first and final stanzas, but the rest of it was more of the speaker’s meditation on themself and their thoughts about ‘circular motion’. Not sure if that was intentional, so just thought I’d mention that here! If the “you” isn’t central to your idea for the poem, one suggestion might be to cut out those lines and make the poem more compact / use the lines to expand more on the central ideas.
Another thing I noticed was that it took a while for me to see how certain images were connected. The main one was:
At first I didn’t get how “whipped cream” was relevant and then after several re-reads I realised: I think it has something to do with how whisking/whipping the whipped cream *is* a circular motion. And now the whipped cream is sagging, like the dreams of the speaker. I guess perhaps “seams” tripped me up – is that a technical baking term for a certain part of the whipped cream? Or the pastry (on which the whipped cream goes)?
I think these two lines could’ve used just a bit more elaboration? I wasn’t sure how “unseen” forces related to the speaker looking for a meaningful life. One interpretation could be that they’re related because meaning is an ‘unseen’ force?
Overall
This poem definitely improved for me upon rereadings, so that’s a plus! I like the core idea of the poem and how you used images of circular motion to develop it.
Keep writing!
-Lim
Hi Lim, thanks for the lovely review!! ^-^
Yes, that's pretty much in line with what I was thinking when writing this!
Oh interesting. I didn't even think of that 0.0
That's a good idea! I feel like I need to get in the habit of revising my poems to make them more meaningful / more clearly connected. Perhaps that could be a new year's resolution. >.>
Okay so for that part, I was mainly playing with sounds, both to imply that the narrator's confused and just because it's fun. xD I'm happy you were able to find meaning with the whisking of the whipped cream, though! And for "sagging at the seams"-- it's a play on the phrase "bursting at the seams," and I felt like "sagging at the seams" was a fitting image for monotony.
Ooh yes, I see what you mean. ^^
Thank you so much for the helpful review, Lim!! Have a wonderful day/night! =D
Glad you found the review helpful!
Ahh that's cool to know!Have a great day/night yourself!
eyo whaddup I am here for some physics. (This is a lie I only like physics when velocity and acceleration are zero. I build buildings. Anyway.)
So the first thing I want to talk about is sound repetition (rhymes, alliteration, assonance, consonance: I put them all under this umbrella). I can tell you're being deliberate, and that you're putting in the effort to kind of experiment with it and see how it plays with rhythm, and that you're trying to see how far you can push it. The first two stanzas, with all of the 'ee' sounds throughout and the 's' sounds in the second stanza, really do a great job exploring this.
The next step, then, is to consider exactly why you're repeating sounds. In poems with particular rhyme schemes and stanza breakdowns, we tend to naturally group our rhymes and lines with a specific theme or sentence or idea, because the poem is already built that way. This same idea can be applied to freeform poetry. Think: does every 'ee' word in the first two stanzas contribute to the point or feeling you want to convey in those stanzas? (And is that feeling confusion? The rambling nature and the question, and specifically the phrases 'i don't know what i mean' and 'some forces are unseen' all give me this vibe... but I can't read your mind haha. Just wondering if that was your intent.)
And again in the final line and stanza, we see repetition of the 'air' sound. In meaning, I get the sense that these lines are building from the idea of escape, of breaking boundaries, so maybe it's worth it to see if you can get that sound to appear earlier in the stanza, when those ideas are introduced with 'you can't escape the circle/but i can traverse planes.' Then, you start to strengthen the connection between sound and ideas.
Whew. Okay.
Next thing is: I do really love to see equations in poetry. Physics and calculus are considered poetic for a reason! There is a lot of grace and meaning to be discovered in them. I think, however, that it is worth it to consider the equation more deeply than you have here. This poem, from how I'm reading it, is about being stuck moving in a circle, and then breaking out of it. It's a great theme! I think you have the foundations of a really powerful idea.
What does the equation actually have to do with that idea, though? You took the time to copy it in a different font, which pulls a lot of attention to the equation. (Even if it were matching text to the rest of the poem... the fact that it is so different from English would give it a lot of weight) So if you're going to include the equation and let it take center, then it's worth it to really dig in and use it more heavily to support your own ideas.
In practice, the acceleration in this equation is caused by a force acting toward the center of the circular motion--gravity, for example. If you expand on that, then it means that some force actually keeps people stuck in the circle. What allows you to escape that force? Is it your understanding of the equation/physics? Is it something else? I think there is a lot of depth you can explore with this equation as the basis for a theme and message, rather than as a prop that is really only briefly touched upon before you use vaguer wording to communicate the escape part of the poem.
Anyway, that's all I got. Hope this helps? Let me know if you want to talk physics more lol. I could use the refresher.
Great work!
-Vento
Ahh thank you so much for the review, Vento!! I was worried people might be scared off by the physics =P
In all honesty: for fun, because I like playing with words and sounds. xD BUT I really like how your review challenges me to explore the possible meanings of my poem in more depth and to expand on them. Sooo yes, with the first stanza, I was trying to convey confusion and uncertainty. The narrator's kind of rambling and stumbling over their own thoughts. Hm, now that I think about it, it'd be interesting to set up the pattern of sound repetition and then break it at a specific point...
Ooh good point. Originally I was just thinking of equations I could use from my physics class to build poems around (I 100% agree that physics and calc are poetic!), but it would be super interesting to extend that connection. Like extending the metaphor by alluding to a force, like you mentioned... or perhaps the radius changing (what happens as you get further away from or closer to the center? what could the center represent?), or something.
Once again, thanks for the review, Vento!! It was definitely helpful and gave me a lot to think on.
Omg I love this so much
Thanks!! ^-^ It%u2019s so fun to combine science and poetry