She peeked into the room. “May I come in?”
“Certainly.”
For a moment, she didn’t believe him. He could tell because her eyes became squinty and she looked him over – once, twice – as if she could read his character. Then, after she was satisfied, she came over, shifting the bundle in her arms.
“You asked me to come,” she began slowly. She looked around the room and he knew she was intimidated. She tried to hide it, but her eyes widened when she saw the credentials on the wall and she moved the bundle closer to her chest, a dizzy look on her face. “It was very nice for you to invite me,” she began again, her voice becoming fainter with every word she spoke.
“It’s a pleasure, really.” He smiled and gestured her to the seat. “I was impressed by your letter. You really seem to be dedicated, for an amateur.”
Her cheeks turned scarlet and it looked like she was on the verge of collapsing. He watched her shift the bundle in her arms. “I am dedicated,” she finally said. “I’m a good mother, really.”
“I believe you.” His voice was gentle and her body relaxed as he spoke.
“Thank you.”
He gestured to the seat again. “Sit down.” This time she sat.
“What am I supposed to do?” she asked. Her voice fluttered as much as her eyelashes.
“Show me your work.”
“Now?”
“Why not?”
She bit her lip hard, her eyes once more widening in fear, but she peeled away the bundle blanket by blanket until finally only a baby remained.
The baby was naked. It was a girl. Her skin was so pale-soft that the man thought if he touched her, her skin would unpeel off her small fatty frame and reveal her to be an angel. Her cheeks were rosy and as she looked at the main, a smile crept on her face and she let out a coo. And yet…
The man stood up and frowned, hovering above the woman and the baby. “So this is what you were talking about?”
“Yes.”
“She’s beautiful.”
“I know.”
For a minute, it was silent. The man stared at the baby and the woman stared off in space. She was no longer afraid, not of the man at least, though her fingers trembled as they combed through the baby’s downy hair.
“Now what?” she asked. “Is she good enough?”
“I don’t know. Let me look closer.” He plucked the baby from the woman’s arms and set her on the desk. The baby started crying.
He frowned. “Interesting.”
The woman looked to the man’s face back to the baby and once more her eyes panicked. “She isn’t like this usually,” she said quickly. “It’s her first time being away from me. She might be a little nervous at first.”
“Quiet.” The man stroked the baby’s head, letting his fingers get tangled in his downy fuzz. “She’s really beautiful.”
“I know.” She looked from his face to the baby’s and twisted her fingers into a knot. “Good enough for your purposes?”
“No.” He sighed and slid the baby on the desk, closer to the woman. “No, she’s not good enough.”
The woman stared at him. Then, very slowly, tears welled up in her eyes. “I see,” she whispered, bringing the baby back to her chest.
The man’s lip trembled and he stood up and paced. “It’s not your fault,” he began. “It’s very hard to get into this business and only a small percentage of mothers are actually approved. But you can probably sell her to some other outlet. I’m sure they’ll take her. She’s a beautiful baby.”
“Why didn’t you?”
He paused. “It’s little things, just little things."
"Like what?"
He frowned. "Look, she’s beautiful, but there are certain traits of hers that other people wouldn’t accept. She cries. She’s fat. She can’t crawl. She giggles. We have to market to everyone. Everyone, Miss, everyone! None of our clients will accept this baby if she doesn’t have the exact traits our clients are looking for.”
“But she’s only a baby!”
“And there are thousands more babies that are better than yours.”
She burst into tears.
He watched her for a moment, his face becoming stern. “Calm down, Miss. I’m trying to be nice to you.”
“I know, I know.” She didn’t stop.
He thought about saying something, but one look at her face told him that he shouldn’t say anything at all. Instead, he paced along his room, straightening his credentials on the walls. Finally, when her sobs quieted, he turned to her. “You can always go to someone else.”
“I’ve tried everyone else. They said no. All of them said no.” She took the blankets, laying loosely in her lap, and stumbled up, looking at the baby on the table. “How can I make her better?” she whispered.
“What?”
“How can I make her better?” A triumphant look came across her face. “I can improve her! You said she was too fat, but that’s okay because a little operation and it’s gone! What do you say to that, sir? What do you say to that?”
He shrugged. “It’s a start.”
“I thought you would say that. I knew you would say that.” She laughed again. “And her tongue! And we can chop her tongue and she wouldn’t be able to cry.”
He paused. “What are you saying?”
She shook her head and laughed. “What do you expect me to do? I’ve spent all of my life waiting for her – all of my life – so I might as well get a decent price off of her. And now, she’s not worth it. What else can I do?”
“You’re crazy.”
“Perhaps.” She laughed more and then suddenly threw herself at his feet. “What do I need to do? Tell me! What do I need to do? Rip out her eyes? Take off her feet? Tear out her heart? Tell me! Tell me! Tell me!”
“You might as well kill her, if you intend to do all that.”
She stopped at those words and choked. “Maybe I should. Maybe I should.”
“Sit down.”
She sat down. The baby was sleeping, her little thumb stuck in her mouth and her eyelids fluttering like a butterfly. The woman watched her dully.
“She’s beautiful, isn’t she?” she said.
“Yes, she is.” He paused. “If you want, I can inject her with something. She won’t be a burden for you anymore.”
“You don’t think she’ll ever be accepted?”
“No.”
The woman sighed and picked up the baby, wrapping her with blankets once again. “No, no, don’t worry about it,” she murmured, pressing the bundle close to her breasts. “I’ll do it myself. I’ll do it myself.”
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138,566 Literary Works • 672,163 Reviews
This piece lacked action, but this turned out to be an advantage for something that tackles such a tricky issue. You didn't make it too emotionally charged.
You could improve the description in the first few lines by eliminating the 'was/were' verbs. E.g. "she was satisfied"; "he knew she was intimidated." This seems somewhat glib. SHOW us her satisfaction and her intimidation, don't TELL us plainly.
Overall, you have done well to make such a sublimely interesting piece. Good start. 7/10
My dear, you make critiquing difficult, with how well you write.
The only thing I found - excepting those already mentioned was in this line.
"“Quiet.” The man stroked the baby’s head, letting his fingers get tangled in his downy fuzz. “She’s really beautiful.” "
The second "his" should be "her" ^^
I love the meaning of it, and how detached the entire thing felt. I almost feel like I was looking down on this woman as I read it. Very well done, dear, as always.
*Hearts* Le Penguin.
I'm pretty new to the forums here, but this is by far the best thing I have read. Wow. The premise is great. The dialog as well. I wish I could write as well as you. I do think that you could have had a description of the room that was more than just mentioning that there were credentials on the wall. This story is the perfect length as well. Just long enough to get the message across and enthrall the reader. There aren't any words in the story that don't need to be. The way the doctor and the mother interact is so chilling as well. The ending, not that I couldn't see it coming given the title, but I liked it. That is one thing I would change. The title. I think that it is important. And if the baby is a book, well that's cool too, I suspected it a bit as I read it, but I didn't really think about it much until i read some of the comments on the piece. I think that it could be made a bit more clear if the baby is a book. Otherwise most people won't see it like that and will instead think that this is some sort of dis-topia kind of story. Either way, I love it. Good job.
WOW! Snoink, you really blew me away! That was terribly sad, and I wanted to beat the mum over the head with a fish. I'll be looking for more of your work.
-Evang
Oh wow.
Assuming you were serious about the publisher part, is the baby a book?
>.< That didn't come out right. What I meant to ask, was if she symbolized a book. Cool if she does, forget all about me if she isn't.
I know this is your character and that she's slightly hysterical at the moment, but maybe you should get rid of the second 'and'?
Man
That's pretty much all I caught. Slightly disturbing piece if you ask me. Interesting ending. I'm still stuck on the baby being a book, the mom being a writer, and the man being a publisher, so I don't get the ending. If I step out of that, though, It's not confusing, but interesting.
Love this piece! It seems futuristic with the selling of babies, but when you think about it, its only a short step away from buying sperm and such from sperm banks. The detached tone works great, but it is a little confusing as to why the baby has been rejected from other agencies and the mothers resulting outburst. But its fantastically written, great drive!
The second "here" is unnecessary (and shouldn't he know why she's there anyway?).
Okay, so I glanced at a few of your posts above after I'd finished reading; I wouldn't have completely understood otherwise.
Here, I wasn't sure why he would be calling her an amateur mother; it's a strange phrase to use. Similarly, I wish you had dropped a few more references to publishing.
A musing on the title: I wonder if it would seem less general and more personal, and therefore more creepy if you dropped the "a" and left it "How to Kill Baby".
Lovely idea, anywho.
Hey there Snoink. Just a quick note to say that I'm dropping out of the competition for your 'apocalypse' post again but I thought you might as well have my 666th anyway and what better story than one with such a horrible title.
In general, this was really creepy and I love the detatched tone you have, as if selling the baby is what every mother does. And the part about killing the baby? Brilliant. Only you could manage to make it disturbing and yet casual at the same time. There's nothing to fault where your plot and characters are concerned. I like the mystery of it all and the dialogue was excellent but I did spot a few typos and such -
Her skin was so pale-soft [I think you should just say pale and soft. It would be a lot easier to read.] that the man thought if he touched her, her skin would unpeel off her small fatty frame and reveal her to be an angel. Her cheeks were rosy and as she looked at the [s]main[/s] man, a smile crept on her face and she let out a coo.
For a minute, it was silent, the man staring at the baby and the woman staring off into space. [This isn't the best way to put it actually. Perhaps say that she's staring vacantly at the wall or something.]
The man stroked the baby’s head, letting his fingers get tangled in his [Shouldn'tit be her?] downy fuzz.
__________________________
Overall, a great story, very well written and you shoud pair it with the death parlour. It seems to run along a similar theme. Perhaps you could make a collection of short, morbid stories. Anyway, keep up the good work!
A publisher? NOOOOOO!!! Wait- what?
To a publisher, of course.
Wait- why is she trying to sell her baby? Who is she selling it to? This is so CREEPY!!
Poor, poor baby.
Hey Snoink!
This is the first thing I've read of yours, but I think after this I might go look for some more! Although I have heard a lot of people talking, and read something about your unicorn story lol.
I couldn't find anything wrong here, and it flowed amazingly. I just feel sorry for the mother (and yes, I realise I should feel sorry for the baby instead). She was just so desperate. xD
But the only thing that annoyed me was... that I've already done a story on a lady who doesn't want her baby, and it's not on here! Although I just added a bit in front and made it all religous lol.
Anyways, I'll go look through your stuff... that sounded dodgy. But bye anyway!
-Mat
Snoink, I love your short stories. This was extremely well written, and I couldn't find any typos on my read over, but I just wanted to comment that I got a very strong meaning out of this piece. Even though you didn't explain what she was trying to sell the baby for or what the man's company was, I didn't think it was very relevant anyway. I think the most important part was the tone and meaning that you were trying to get across, and I applaud you for that, because often a stories meaning is unclear because of a lot of filler that the author puts in. Anyway, great job, I enjoyed it.
-Tony
Hey, Snoinkus!
Here's the thing- your style is perfect for disturbing subjects. It's just detached enough to make it seem flippant, and the way the narrative is done, the people seem to move about perfectly...kind of like actors. It's simply surreal.
My major qualm is: what about the people? Yes, emotions aren't fun to write for. Insane people are great. However, they need motives.
That's the main thing I noticed in this piece- what might the mother's motive be? Is she dirt poor? Do they live in a society in which girls are undervalued? Does she think she is doing something charitable?
In order to make your characters more convincing than they already are, they need backstory. That's a simple matter of a few bouts of Character Answer Game, and a little bit of thinking- and you've got fabulous characters. But how to explain without info-dumping?
...that's another skill of yours. You know when to stop rambling, and your writing is clear and concise. You edit impeccably.
So! Goal? Tell us about these peoples' backgrounds, besides the credentials on the wall. Once you get into a character's head, the outside quirks tend to become a lot stronger.
Thanks for all your comments, they were all extremely helpful! I edited the piece slightly... feel free to comment more if you want.
And this is it. This story will not be continuing. And yes, she's selling her baby.
Interesting
but well written. Although it wouldn't hurt to put some background and a few more descriptions here and there. Like why is she trying to sell the baby, what kind of business is the man a part of, you know that kind of stuff. 
Will this be continued?
Keep writing,
*Foreseer*
this piece was distrubing, but excellent.
Hmm. I liked it, actually. Oddly. It was awfully disturbing. But, I appreciated the deeper meaning to it...that I may or may not have made up so that it wouldn't be so disturbing haha. But, other than the typoes it was enjoyable, and those have already been pointed out.
It's very good. it kept me hooked, so your suspense held out which is excellent. My problem was that you would occasionally repeat your description- which i don't like. For example, you mention the baby's hair being 'downy' twice. You should experiment with other language, use a thesaurus to find a word that has the right texture as well as the right meaning. An alternative being perhaps silky or velvety.
Your variation in sentance structure was great. And For the most part I could tell the tone of the speech- but you may want to put a little more description where it's a little less obvious. Is the man's tone professional, pitying or cold? Maybe it's just toneless.
I do like the repetition of how beautiful the baby is- it helps show the woman's desperation to sell it off.
I enjoyed the piece though (however disturbing).
Ooh, odd subject. Is this standing by itself, or what? I didn't get why she's trying to sell the baby...or is that just it, that she's selling it?
That's awkwardly worded, it doesn't sound right. Perhaps, "She tried to hide her feeling"?
Perhaps, "A dizzy look suddenly crossing her face". And "dizzy" doesn't sound right. I think you could change it for something else.
This is my personal preference, but it's better to avoid conwotsits. Contractions, are they called? Saying "didn't" instead of "did not"
Perhaps, "as he spoke"? It sounds a bit forced.
That bit sounds very weird. Perhaps, "until finally she revealed the baby inside"?
Missed word = "pale and soft"
Sounds odd, but I'm not sure how to change it, sorry.
I really like this description.
Reading this over, I like it.
Hope this helps.
-Twit