She didn’t want to die. The taste of blood in her mouth terrified her and, though she knew that the blood only came from a couple pulled teeth, in another hour it would come from the rest of her body. Their body, she corrected herself. After all, it wasn’t hers. It had never been hers. That’s why she was here in the dungeon.
Dungeon. That wasn’t the right word. Dungeons were dark, cold places, gray with enclosing stone walls which echoed the squeaks of mice and the groans of the dying along with the whispers of their last words. This could not be a dungeon. The walls and floors were an off-white, cleaned five times a day, the surgical instruments were sanitized hourly so that they blinded her with their silver sheen, and even the computers were dusted regularly with wet cloths so that no part of outside could come in. It was not dark. Florescent lights ensured that there was no part of the room unlit and, just in case, there were lights that hung over her body so that the technical operators wouldn’t damage her as they did their work. There were no mice. The only living things that were allowed to enter were the operators, after they were thoroughly sterilized.
She was the only dirty thing in this room.
Wincing, she glanced to the computer screens. She was attached to the computer. Wires had been attached to her wrists, her fingers, her toes, her spine, her shoulders, her knees, her mouth, her nostrils, her nipples, her clitoris, her brain, her liver, her heart, and five feet away the computer beeped happily, analyzing the data. On twelve of the screens, there were charts. They displayed the status of her body in a rainbow of colors, going up and down as a graph as she went up and down as a human. And so on.
The operators didn’t look at these screens. They glanced at it, but they didn’t understand the charts. Instead, they looked at the middle screen. At the moment, it said this:
SUBJECT IS IN STEADY HEALTH
HEART RATE: 177 BPM
BREATH RATE: 43 BPM
CONDITION: STRESSED
NEXT HARVEST: 00.00.20.05.11
Her eyes watered at the last line.
She wanted to scream. She wanted to ask, “What next?” but her mouth was numb. They numbed it before they took out her teeth. They pierced a needle in her gums and when she tried to scream, they injected the drug. It was embarrassing. It made her drool. She couldn’t stop. They had to take out an instrument to suck out all the water. Then they pulled out her teeth, looked at the computer, and left. She guessed the computer told them to.
The computer ticked on. She winced and tilted her head to the right, trying to look away from the screen, but it was no use. She couldn’t move--they had strapped her in too tightly for that and she would be forced to look at the screen until she died. They had designed it like that on purpose, she remembered, though the memory seemed fuzzy, as if she had heard it from a scratched record rather than from Dr. Montgomery’s lips. Dr. Montgomery’s lips. She smiled involuntarily.
She remembered his face clearly. He had a round face, almost like a baby’s, and he had two crooked front teeth. When she had first met him, he gave her a shy smile and told her that he had been in a bit too many bar fights, though she was not to tell anyone. Drinking was illegal for doctors, but she had liked drinking and she liked Dr. Montgomery, so they had gone off perfectly well together. And then...
The charts on the computer screen shuddered and the screens exploded into color until the colors ate each other up and everything was black. The middle screen that held her status swelled up and morphed.
YOU’RE AWAKE.
And she was disappointed. Bitter tears drowned her eyes and her mouth tasted like bloody cotton. I am awake, she thought and the thought made her lonelier than ever. I am awake and soon I will die.
The computer screen flickered and then the words changed again.
YOU ARE NOT ALONE. I AM WITH YOU.
She closed her eyes tightly.
When she opened them again, the computer was normal, beeping out its monotonous tones. Nineteen minutes till next harvest. She tried to think of what would be taken out next, but the thought was unbearable and the computer started to give high-pitched beeps, indicating that her heart had started beating at an intolerable level. A robotic arm swung over and immediately put an oxygen mask on. She breathed.
She must have passed out, for when she woke up, the technical operators were swarming over her, even though the screen clearly stated that there was still fifteen minutes till the next operation. She felt sick. A couple of masked faces looked at her. Then a man touched her neck and found her pulse. The action startled her--that’s what computers were for. But when she looked at the baby face of the man, she knew why he had done it.
“Hold on,” he said, his voice sounding husky through his facemask. “Just a couple more hours. You wanted this, didn’t you? You said you wanted to help. You said you would do anything.”
She whimpered.
Dr. Montgomery leaned forward and stroked her hair with his latex fingers. “Everybody’s scared when they first start out,” he said kindly. “But you’re helping out many people. Those teeth, they will go to someone who really needs them, whose gum disease is so bad that he can’t even wear dentures. You’re saving his life, you understand?”
Her eyes watered. His breath smelled like tuna fish.
“You are a wonderful woman for doing this,” he said in a whisper. “A hero. It will hurt, but it always hurts before the glory of the new age. Do you understand?”
She couldn’t nod, but that didn’t seem to matter. He seemed to understand. Besides, they had talked about this before. She couldn’t back out, not now. He backed away from her and signaled to the technical operators, and everyone left the room. Ten minutes left. They had to prepare their instruments for the next harvest. The computer shuddered again.
YOU ARE A HERO.
She glared at the screen, tears coming to her eyes.
THEY WANT ONE OF YOUR LUNGS NEXT.
Her stomach dropped. Only one?
The computer screen changed.
THEY WANT YOU TO KEEP YOU ALIVE AS LONG AS POSSIBLE.
She knew this already. That was part of the contract. She had signed that contract, she knew what the terms were, she knew that the operations were risky, but she had wanted to help... there were too many people dying for a lack of organ, for a lack of research, for a lack of parts...
But she didn’t know she was going to die!
A whimper escaped her throat. The computer screen flickered off, almost as if it wanted to apologize, but didn’t know which words to say. All the screens were blank. They were black, the only black things in the room and she stared at them, hypnotized.
YOU ARE NOT THE FIRST.
That sentence did not make sense. She stared at it, reread it a couple of times, but it did not make sense.
HE’S HAD OTHER WOMEN BEFORE YOU.
And just as she read it, the screen flickered off and returned to its normal readings. More technical operators came. They glanced at the screens, punched a few buttons, and immediately she could see her body sprawled out on the biggest screen possible. Her stats were on one of the smaller screen. But what hypnotized her most were the silver instruments in their hands. They set them down, removed some of the wires on her body, and positioned the camera so it looked directly at her chest. Dr. Montgomery came in. One of the technical operators glanced at him.
“Any anesthetic?”
“No,” he said. “Not allowed.”
The technical operator shrugged and grabbed a tiny, silver saw. “As long as she doesn’t scream.” And with that, he sliced her open.
She saw everything. They sliced her open, making sure to peel off her skin back, and she saw them open up her ribcage. She saw them tie off the tube that went from her lung to her larynx and she saw them take out the lung. And she felt everything.
When it was all over, she whimpered and tilted her head to Dr. Montgomery. But he was too busy concentrating on her lung. It was pink and it had collapsed. He was attaching an artificial breather in it so that it would keep it working.
“Mrah!” she cried. He glanced at her.
“Not now,” he said. “Not now. There is too much to do.” And with that, he put the lung on the cart and wheeled it out. The technical operators followed him out.
The computer chirred and her status became once more on the big screen. The next harvest was in three hours. She groaned and tried to move.
THEY WILL TAKE YOUR KIDNEY NEXT.
She glared at the computer screen and tried to ignore it. The letters shifted again.
HE WILL CONTINUE TO TAKE ONE AT A TIME UNTIL YOU ARE DEAD AND THEN HE WILL TAKE ALL.
Tears came to her eyes. There is nothing I can do.
The computer turned blank. And then, hesitantly, the words came up:
I CAN KILL YOU.
No.
The computer chirred and once more her status beeped on screen. She closed her eyes. She couldn’t move, and for once she was happy for that. And the pain would only get worse.
The lung. Think about the lung, she thought. The lung would go to someone who would need it, somebody who needed it desperately, much more than she needed it. Perhaps it would go to a young woman, maybe in her twenties with severe asthma... she didn’t know. She didn’t know what they would do with it. She had no say in it, not now.
There was a chance, of course, that she would live thorough this. A chance that Dr. Montgomery would stop it from going too far, and she might be a cripple, but she would at least be alive. And that would make all the difference... that would make all the difference...
She didn’t mean to doze off. She wanted to enjoy her last moments and she didn’t want to sleep through them, but pain and exhaustion had taken its toll and she slept. When she woke up, the technical operators had come, along with Dr. Montgomery. They had been talking:
“Didn’t she like drinking?” one of the technical operators had asked. “I heard that she was a drinker.”
“Not enough to destroy her kidneys,” Dr. Montgomery maintained firmly. “They’re perfectly healthy and I’m sure she’ll love to have them donated to some poor old woman on dialysis who needs another one. She’s very generous like that. She wants to do the right thing. They all do. We need more people like her.”
“Yes, yes,” the technical operator said, “but when are we getting to the main?”
“How do you mean?”
“Her eyes, her eyes. Didn’t some billionaire want them?”
A strange feeling, not unlike fear, shot through her and she was glad she couldn’t scream. Her eyes! She closed her eyes tighter and pretended to sleep, hoping the computer wouldn’t betray her quickening heartbeat.
An awkward silence followed. “We’ll get to them soon,” Dr. Montgomery finally said. “Next harvest, maybe. But don’t talk about it here. It’s indecent.” A moment later, she felt a soft touch to her feet. “Wake up, honey,” Dr. Montgomery said. “It’s time for another harvest.”
She opened her eyes.
This harvest was a blur and though she hated watching her gut being opened with a saw, it seemed nothing in comparison to her eyes. Her eyes! And not even somebody who really needed them, but somebody who could afford having her opened, who could afford the cost of ripping out...
Maybe the billionaire really needs them, she thought desperately. Maybe the billionaire really needs them and can’t see and he’s always wanted to. It must be horrible to be blind. Nobody should live like that. But she knew it was more likely that the billionaire had seen the sparkle in her eyes and desired them for his own. Maybe he would give them to his wife. After all, it would be unethical for him to love another woman, not if he already had a wife. It would be easier to just take what made her desirable and put it in his wife.
She looked at the screen. Kill me! she thought.
The computer whirred and the screen turned a thoughtful black. And then the words formed.
IF I KILL YOU NOW, HE WILL STILL HARVEST YOUR EYES.
A fresh wave of despair rushed through her. You must not let him take my eyes, she thought. Anything but that!
The computer remained blank.
A whimper escaped her throat. He had said... didn’t he say that he would take her eyes next? And that wouldn’t be the last. She would live through that--they would make sure of that--and then they would rip out everything else. Everything. Her organs would be taken out, her skin would be peeled off, and all her parts would be whizzing around the world. Even her bones would be broken apart for stem cell research. She had known this. But her eyes! Her eyes!
Of course they wouldn’t be considered essential, she thought bitterly. Of course they would take them out next.
She turned to the screen. She was not alone, she remembered. That had been one of the first things that the computer had told her. And she had dismissed it. But somehow, the fact that she would never see the computer screen again, that she wouldn’t be able to see its words, however horrifying they were, again terrified her beyond anything else. She swallowed.
Can you tell them I’ve changed my mind? Can you tell them I want to live? she thought.
TOO LATE.
Her throat choked up and she wanted to cry. And she couldn’t do anything. She was strapped on the table, with no teeth, no extra lung, and no extra kidney. The contract had been signed; the courts would never consider this murder. And soon everything else would fail and she would never be able to see again. The last sight she would ever see was the computer screen, dutifully displaying the picture of her eye getting removed, the only sign of color in this sparkling white room.
She blinked the tears from her eyes. Can you display any other things on the screen? Something from outside?
The computer whirred thoughtfully until it blinked and a picture of an eagle soaring above the mountains came on screen. Someone else would be able to see them with her eyes. Someone else.
She shivered. Kill me now. I’m ready.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,022 Literary Works • 672,752 Reviews
I really like this. I'm a big fan of creepy stories. You are magnificent with descriptions, the image of the room was so vivid. Even with the descriptions, there is enough space for the reader's imagination to pull him or her further into the story. I had to read each sentence at least twice, I loved it so much.
One note I have is that the repetition of the word "face" in these two sentences is very close together, so it somewhat bothered me.
Ugh, I got shivers. (In a good way)
The part about her eyes is my favorite part. If you'd like to, I think you should expand on this. You're very talented.
Thanks for the replies!
I'm looking to revise this, so it's really helpful!
>> Jelly! I have told you how much I love you, haven't I? I'll see what I can do to add on even a little background information! It won't be a lot... just enough, I think. I kind of like the detached feeling, lol. But we'll see!
>> Thanks for the nit picks, Mike! I'll see how I can rewrite those confusing parts!
>> Shepherd, thanks for reiterating that point! That point has bugged me for several months now, so hopefully in the rewrite, that will be covered. I think I'm going to change it so that it she is numbed up, to an extent, but she can still feel some of it. In my surgery that I had, somewhat after this was written, I was awake during all of it, but the surgeon only numbed the localized area and, when she did her first cut, it wasn't completely numb, so it hurt and she had to redo the anesthetic. So maybe a localized numbness would be good to start with, seeing as she hasn't gone through the really major surgery... just the tiny surgery. And then it started really hurting when it lost the numbness, soooo... yeah. That could be a possibility! So thanks!
What a cool story! I really like this!
There were a few things that bothered me (I'm not talking grammar, of course!)
At the very beginning, it seems very disjointed, and it doesn't seem to flow with the rest of the story. I just got a little bit turned around before I could get into the story (which is otherwise very well-paced).
I did read that someone else was confused about her being awake the whole time, and this also tangled me up a little bit. It seems unreasonable not to put her under a general anesthetic, and even more unreasonable not to use some sort of local painkillers (neither of which would impact the quality of the organs). I don't think the story would suffer if she were put under for the procedure and woke up to reflect upon her predicament (wonder what they'd taken, and so on).
Another thing, which is just a problem in terminology, is the idea that you would place an organ meant to be transplanted on a cart, rather than in an refrigerated container (which is not only more sterile, but also more practical as organs become unusable extremely quickly when subjected to room temperature).
Did I read correctly about the removal of the lung? She was given no artificial replacement? A single lung is not going to be able to supply as much oxygen as the pair together (haha obviously), and I would think that the doctors would be concerned about oxygen debt damaging her other organs, especially when her respiration rate is already so high.
Also, it bothered me a little that the problems she was describing in other people (blind people, asthma, etc) seemed a little trivial to give your life for. There are treatments for some of these ailments, and her devotion to what she sees as he cause seems a little misplaced to me. Perhaps you were intending to make it seem surreal?
In all honesty, though, this is a great horror story. I love your concept! Nice work!!!
Odd how a tag like (Warning: Graphic Imagery) got my attention... Ah well. I didn't read the other reviews, so pardon repetition on my part.
I think 'although' would make this flow better than 'though', and I would consider ditching the comma after 'and'.
I'd say you should ditch all the 'her's. Without them, you can blast through so much quicker, where with them, you kind of fumble now and again.
Start a new paragraph with the second sentence, the one that repeats "Dr. Montgomery's lips." When it's in the same paragraph, it feels too much like bad repetition, but when it stands at the front of its own paragraph, it feels like the skillful kind.
This phrasing implies that the robotic arm is putting the oxygen mask on itself. Maybe something like....
'A robotic arm swung over and immediately pressed an oxygen mask to her face.'
Or something similar.
I'm not liking the repetition of "sliced her open". Also get rid of 'off' in the second sentence.
Watch out for repetition of 'out'. You ended both sentinces with it.
Alright, other then those little things, I thought this was great! A breath of fresh air in the act of reviewing. I loved it. Very creepy, graphic (as you promised), and an overal great experience. Thanks for writing.
Places Where You Can Add Background
I’m not entirely sure what background information you want to add, but here are some spots where it would work well:
Drinking was illegal for doctors, but she had liked drinking and she liked Dr. Montgomery, so they had gone off perfectly well together.
After that sentence you could add another short memory of the doctor, maybe to show why she did it or something... show how convincing he can be.
She must have passed out, for when she woke up, the technical operators were swarming over her, even though the screen clearly stated that there was still fifteen minutes till the next operation.
Since only about 4 minutes passed anyways, you could not have her pass out and simply make her very dizzy, and use this space instead to include some background.
She had signed that contract, she knew what the terms were, she knew that the operations were risky, but she had wanted to help...
Instead of simply going into the “she knew what the terms were”, you could explain the terms a little. Maybe a small memory of when she signed the contract, what the doctor had been telling her and everything.
Actually, yea, I really suggest that, because the next line about her not knowing that she would die is really confusing without knowing the terms. They’re taking things out of her; I doubt she will survive! If the contract had only said things that she could survive without (appendix and such), then wouldn’t she be wrong when she said the courts wouldn’t consider it murder?
Small Comments
She’s very generous like that. She wants to do the right thing. They all do. We need more people like her.”
“Yes, yes,” the technical operator said, “but when are we getting to the main?”
These two lines feel really strange to me. I can tell that the man is trying to convince himself that he’s doing a good thing, but the time and way he worded it sounds off. Also, the technical operator seemed to honor him earlier, but now he seems rude, almost like he’s above him.
Also, at the end when she’s thinking about allowing the computer to kill her, I would add some of the doctor’s dialogue. He seems to feel a little bad about what he’s doing, so it would be nice to have her listening to both him and the computer, and to see him hesitate over her, things like that.
The unimportant doctors seem really inhuman; not sure if you meant to do that, to make us focus on the main doctor?
Finally, I would add a little more smell to this. People think of smell in hospitals (the cleaning stuff), when they’re hurt (blood), and when they’re with someone like the doctor (his cologne). Smell seems like a sense that only comes out in extreme situations to me, and it seems like it would fit well here.
Overall
Not nearly as gruesome as I thought! I really liked it; you had me tearing up at the end. =] I actually read a book (no clue what... want to find it again) where they literally harvested the people like this. They would put in some weird liquid for blood, and would cut off parts (legs, etc.) until the person had nothing left. It was so sad, and this made me feel just as much as that book did after I had known the character for 200 pages. So good job. =]
I really don’t think you need as much background as you think you do. I don’t care that much about it. I would like to see the scene where she is convinced to sign the papers, and maybe when she enters the room to get cut apart, but other than that I like that they aren’t too personal. She doesn’t have a name, anyways, so it would make sense.
If you added more explanation, I would like to learn more about the computer. I would think that the girl would as well; why’s it helping her? I kept waiting for her to ask, but she never did. Maybe at the beginning; at the end she’s too focused on dying.
Overall, love it so much! Glad I read it. =] Sorry it took me so long!
~JFW1415
Thats was simply wonderfully horrible! (That is a complement) I don't really get into horror but it really wasn't scary just sort of numbing and gripping. It was totally amazing and please do continue with this. I guess you could leave it there but I can see so much could happen in this story and I would love it if you continued it on.
I just have one little comment. When she's talking about how drinking is illeagal for docters but she likes drinking and she likes the docter and so they went well together does that mean she's a docter or the docter likes drinking? I got a lIttle confused there. Also is there somebody behind the computer or is it actually the computer or is she just halucinating.
Other then that spooky good job. Keep writing!
~Shine on diamond eyes
Wow, that is one scary story you got there, it really made my skin shiver. If you can write another one like this please.
Love it!!
EPIC
-OLLI/ twelvey
Wow, that was intense.
Its got so many elements of horror.
Elements of Absence
The Unknown
The Unexpected
The Unstoppable
The Unseen
Elements of Presence
Helplessness
Pressure
Intensity
Release
All come together to make this story bone chilling and disturbing.
I noticed a few errors, but i forgot to mark them. But they're easy to find, just a few words out of place every now and then.
Either way, great work!
LOL. Way to kill my story!
It'll be fixed in the edit! I'm still trying to figure out how to approach that mess.
Shucks... Why must you give me such marvelous work that has so little for me to critique?
One thing I noticed was the fact that she's awake this whole time. You throw in a line about how the anesthetic isn't allowed, but why not? I should think that the body's pain reactions (everything physical and chemical) would be harder on her organs than a bit of anesthesia. As horribly graphic as her being awake through the whole thing is, I'm left wondering what the point of her being awake is beyond provided a window into the horror.
Seems as though you included the tag in the italics.
Other than that, lovely. Simply lovely. Well, horrible, but wonderfully written. The computer idea was pretty interesting: how it was more compassionate than the humans. I'm not quite sure why all of this was happening, but it was quite a beautiful snapshot.
*thumbs up*
~GryphonFledgling
All I have to say is "WOW". That is perhaps the best short story I have ever read. At first, I thought it looked lengthy and was sure I would get bored, but you completely had me gripped. I loved every piece of it. Unlike everyone else, I understood (or think I did) why she went through with it all. First of all, she wanted to help the less fortunate. I also caught hints of the romance between the doctor and her, but she learns during the harvests that he has a wife. There is only one part that is "wrong" or doesn't have enough detail that I found:
1) In the second time the computers go black, there is no description of the one staying on. You said they all went black, but then she is reading words. A sentence would fix that.
Once again, absolutely phenomenal. This is the most inspirational thing I have ever read. I really enjoyed this.
I was completely horrified by every single detail in this story. It was very well written, and an interesting read. I loved the amount of detail you put into telling the reader about her pulse and all that. It brings us into the horror of being in a hospital bed. Write more, please do!
I was delighted as poop to find this. This is just a naturally great horror story. I enjoyed it so much I forgot to think of things to say during the critique.
I really enjoyed this, I would totally pick it up off the shelf of a book store, but what I want to know is "why?" Why is she getting all of her organs taken out? Did she find some disease and before it spread throughout her entire body, she decided it would be better to give her body up to science and organ donors?
I liked the computer talking to her, it kinda reminded me of the robot that said "Danger Will Robinson, Danger!" in a good way of course.
Other then wondering how that Dr, guy came into her life. I liked it and as always wanted to know more.
Hi Snoink! You wanted me to take a look at this, so here I am.
Let me start off by saying that although there is a lot of sensational and graphic imagery here, I don't think any of it is unnecessary. Where as some people through it in there just for the shock value, you actually make it an integral part of the story, helping us to understand the main character's suffering even more. Part of the reason for that might be that you tell us how this is hurting her on an emotional level as well, making her less human not only by taking her body, but inadvertently, her soul as well.
I know this was part of your dungeon analogy, but really it seemed kind of out of place by the time we got to it, and therefore was confusing. My suggestion would be to put all the references to what a dungeon is, the darkness, the dust, the mice, in one group at the beginning. Then, list how this room is not quite the same.
And my other complaint is the computer. Is it her hallucinating, or is it actually talking to her? In other stories, I would say that this uncertainty is a good thing. But this is science fiction. Computers actually have the capability of talking to other people in science fiction stories. Not quite knowing what is going on here makes it a tad more confusing. Maybe reference if there are AIs or not, or have her question if this is one. But I feel that since this is a science fiction story, you should make that point a tad more obvious.
All in all, a very good story you have here. You just need to tweak it a little. PM me if you have any questions or comments. Again, good job, and good luck.
-Conrad Rice
Wow, this was fantastic! A very interesting interpretation of an "organ donor". I especially like the monitor that communicated with her, it was interesting and unique.
The only thing I could possibly offer up for imporvement was the vaugeness in which you regard the relationship between Montgomery and the girl. How did they meet? How did she come to agree to this sort of thing?
Anyways, I loved it all. Great work!
Oh my! I really just can't bring myself to nitpick on this! This piece is just so intense! Everything about it is utterly horrible, from the baby-faced doctor Montgomery to her having to be awake when her lung is removed. I absolutely loved it, but the only thing I was unclear of was why she had agreed to this. Was it for like only one kidney? or lung? and then they turned it into something more?
Well besides making that a little clearer, I really enjoyed it.