“I don’t know why,” she finally said.
“Why do you say that?”
“Because.”
She was about to say more when she stopped, confused. A dull throb echoed in her head. She wanted him to interrupt her, to say what she wanted to say, but he was quiet. She looked up desperately at his chiseled face.
“I can’t explain.”
“Try.”
She bit her lip and rubbed her head, letting her fingers melt down her face. Finally she sighed. “I don’t think it’s possible to exactly know why,” she started again, her voice shaking. “There are times that I just think that you don’t understand me at all. And I know it’s a bad thought, but sometimes I can scarcely believe that you’re even… real.”
“I’m not real. You know that.”
“Yes, but…” She looked at him more carefully.
He did look real, even on second glance. He looked very real, in fact. His hands were carved out so precisely and, if she looked closer, she could see a fold of skin. But no, it was only a fingerprint that she put on him when her fingers accidentally strayed to his strong shoulders, many years ago. She leaned closer to him, close enough to smell the heavy cologne of marble. For a second, she thought he jumped to her, but a moment later, she realized that it was only a tear that made him dance so. She wiped it away and paced around him.
“If you’re not real, then why can I talk to you?” she finally asked, her voice faint. “If you’re not real, then how can I talk to you?”
He didn’t respond.
She bit her lip and bent over closer to him, her red-brown hair tickling his face. “Please tell me something.”
“What would you like me to say?”
“I don’t know.”
“Then how can I help you?”
“I don’t know,” she began, when she stopped and tried to smile. “It’s silly, isn’t it, how that simple that phrase is? Three words, but think of it! Those three words say everything that there is to say. It’s humbling, really. You’re admitting that you don’t know. It’s a release, an admittance that you are only human and thus you are capable of mistakes. Or being indecisive. It’s uniquely human, don’t you think?”
“Humans are stupid.”
She smiled and turned the statue closer, letting her fingers run over his bulging arms. “Why do you say that?”
“Because they are.” When she cocked her head quizzically, he explained, “Humans are animals. As animals, they are expected to react as animals, to make instant decisions. And if they don’t make these decisions, then they are forced to die. What makes humans so special, so set apart from animals, that they can spend their time trivializing about such issues? And, more importantly, why?”
She smiled. “So we can talk to statues?”
His hard eyes stared out at nowhere, but for a second, she thought she could see a smile flicker on his face.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,740 Reviews
I thought this was really unique, definitely very cool. I want to read more. From what I've read from the replies, people don't like the title... but I it caught my attention. I don't know how u would change it and it still have that eye-catching effect, but that's just me.
EDIT: I realized after writing this critique that the thread is from 2006, but I decided too post the review anyway... You can delete it if you want.
This is a strange opening line. The "finally" ensures us that she's replying to something said... in a way, I like the strangeness of opening in the middle of a conversation, but in a way it's a little annoying.I'll start with nitpicks, then go on to the overall impressions.
Comma after "finally."
This is still messed up. I think you should delete the bold word, but I'm not positive. The problem here is that there are two "that"s. I'm not exactly sure what you're trying t say, though...
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Overall, I think this was just too short for me to form a real opinion. You don't really go into the personality of either character, and in the end I was left with an empty feeling of "why did she write that?" It doesn't seem too have any point at all. And there isn't even any nice description to use an as excuse. Please excuse me if I'm being too harsh; I'm just a bit flustered.
Maybe it's just me, though, maybe it actually makes sense, but I just don't get it.
In any case, you should most definitely change the title. For one thing, the presence of the word "statue" in the title gives away the fact that he's a statue... and I'd much rather have been left guessing. For another thing, like another reviewer pointed out, it's NOT the statue that's musing, but rather the girl. She's musing TO the statue.
Well, I have to say that I'm a little disappointed, but mostly I'm not feeling anything.
PM me with questions/comments.
Hope this helps!
~Azila~
I really like this... I've never read anything you've written before, so I hope this doesn't come across as odd, but it was very beautiful.
It does seem kind of short though, considering how deep and quasi-philisophical it is at the end. I guess I'm saying it's a bit unbalanced? However, it has a very memorable quality to it.
I read this all the way through and it was interesting, vibrant and unique like all your short stories.
One thing I would change is the title because the statue isnt musing, the girl is. I wasn't sure what you were trying to say in this piece but it was interesting none-the-less.
Okay... I've updated it with all my revisions. Better?
I know it's only twice and that you space it appropriately but it just bugs me for some reason. I'm sure you didn't want to resort to "his stony eyes" since that'd be cliche and overly obvious. I'm not sure what you'd use in replacement of "hard eyes" but I'm sure there's something.
You don't need to separate "to him" with commas, just phrase it at "She leaned closer to him, close enough to smell the heavy cologne of marble."
This leads to my next question: marble has a smell?!
Otherwise, I really enjoyed this piece. Though I do have to second Imp's comment about the title. It's more of the girl speaking to the statue than the other way around. I hope this helps somehow ^_^
LUNA
All right, I read this a while back, and I guess I'll comment on it now. It will certainly help in my crit count.
I didn't like it. The whole thing was off. You mentioned it was preachy? Yup. It kind of is.
I am assuming there is some kind of point in there. I don't know what it is exactly. I think this needs to be rephrased for maximum effect.
The end was nice. Probably one of the only things I liked about this story. It would be interesting to have the statue not talk at all, the girl reason out the whole thing herself by asking and answering her own questions and then at the end have the statue smiling. I think that would lend it more power.
The idea of this is what kept me hooked, most definitely--I mean to say, it kept me thinking, "What the--?" the entire time. But in a good way!
The dialouge and emotions worked very well together to create the mood for the scene. The repetition of "I don't know" plus the tears...perfect.
And I can't particularly see anything else to critique, so I'll leave it at that.
My first thought--on the side of curiosity is -- why is it titled 'Musings of a Statue' when it does seem that the girl isn't a statue and is musing?
What I like very much is the idea...and I'm too fond of short scenes and sketches. ^_^'
The first paragraph, dialogue, description and all caught my attention with 'I don't know why...' and dropped it entirely with the somewhat tangled telling of what she's doing and not doing. It felt stiff, setting a scene rather than showing it. And ...
...stumbled through its commas. It doesn't flow, and it says more than it needs in the something driven by dialogue with nameless characters. Could she just shake her head? Or perhaps look away with a shake of her head, shiver? The two present progressive verbs may be what drags as well.
On the same subject, first paragraph would fit neatly after the two later, I think--and the statue's words would open with a lot more intensity than 'I don't know why'.
Like so:
You see? I think it makes as much sense that way, and begins more clearly. Final revision, messing with it all yours. ^_^
And pardon my tearing that bit rather to pieces. It may merely be me, but there's something repeating about the first part, then again 'I'm not real', etc.
This showed well, and is the atmosphere and tone--somehow the dialogue in this defines, really. The description of her adds to it, but doesn't intrude and lets the talking go on afterwards.
Ha--Snoink likes 'suddenly', yes? 'When she stopped' makes it just as abrupt--more so without 'suddenly' which makes the sentence longer and less abrupt.
As a whole, it really is just a moment. Is it meant as a sketch? Stand-alone flash-fiction? As yet indefinable?
HAHAH! I actually ADDED a word! Usually, I forget verbs, and when I reread it, it's like, "WHAT?"
*is proud*
Yes... this should, LMAO. It's a happier version of Nate's "Small God." Though I wrote it by accident...
Read that sentence again. Then tell me what's wrong.
Ya know? I swear I've read this before, Snoinkus...have I? Oh well, whatever. Decent enough...no characters, lol...but the writing was good! I'm kinda bleary eyed and foggy minded at the moment, so I'm not sure what you were trying to get across with the piece, but it sure read well doing it!