Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence and mature content.
The Queen of Dolls
It’s full of dolls.
Dolls litter the room, some on the bed, some on the windowsill; they’re everywhere. Most of them have short necks. They used to have long necks, but She would bang them together with glee before ripping them off. They were afraid of Her, but there was nothing they could do. Nothing they could do but watch.
She comes in.
She’s dressed as a princess, as usual. Pearls hang down her neck, and she has a sparkly pink shawl covering her shoulders. She is beautiful and the dolls blink at her. They love her, and despite all that has happened, with their short stubby necks, they can’t stand to be without her.
She grabs one of them.
Her fingers are brown and sticky. She’s been eating chocolate again. She looks at the doll critically before flinging her aside. Then she picks another one.
It takes ten tries, but she finally finds one she likes. It’s a doll with a beautiful purple dress and sparkling eyes. She tears the dress off. Then, very carefully, she goes through, her finger going in between the doll’s plastic breasts, slipping under beneath her legs. She stares at the doll.
“You like that, don’t you, you little whore?”
The voice is light and soprano; more like an angel than an actual human, and this makes it even better. True, the voice does have a hint of a lisp – She is wearing braces – but otherwise, it took the doll’s breath away.
She flings her aside.
She is searching for another doll, and it isn’t until she picks up a small toddler does she stop. The doll’s name is Kelly. Kelly looks very much like the girl, and the girl gazes at her intently, slowly peeling off the pretty pink dress Kelly is wearing. Then she nods, setting her aside, letting her sit on a desk.
“You’re looking pretty today.”
The doll does not respond.
“Do you want to play?”
The doll says nothing to this, but the girl eyes her carefully before nodding. She searches through the dolls, flinging one so hard that its plastic head falls off. Then she stops, picking up another. His name is Ken. She brushes off his polo shirt, as if he had been playing hard in the grass, and takes him to Kelly. In a deeper voice, the girl says, “Do you want to play?”
Kelly’s dress isn’t totally off. It is opened so that it can be easily pulled off though. The girl grabs Kelly, sitting her on one knee and Ken on the other. She manipulates Ken’s arms to reach for Kelly, but she is quickly frustrated. His motions aren’t fluid. She frowns and lets his plastic hand, his hard hand, pull off the rest of Kelly’s clothes.
“Do you like that?”
Kelly doesn’t respond. Her expression is soft, her painted eyes staring away at something… The girl is not quite sure what. She sets the girl upon her knee and looks at Ken. He is too overdressed. She fumbles with his clothes, the Velcro making a tearing sound. And then he is undressed.
But not nude. The girl frowns, letting her hand go between his legs, almost reverently. He is wearing bronze plastic briefs, and they look silly to the girl. She is used to boxers. She smirks at this. He is wearing panties.
They must come off.
She tries to tear at them, peeling off the plastic that is firmly in place. She scratches him a bit, but nothing. He smiles faintly at her.
“Be a man,” the girl says impatiently. He does nothing.
She sighs and turns to Kelly. “Well, you must pretend.”
She moves his arms again. It frustrates her that his fingers will not move, but she compensates for this as much as possible by moving Kelly so that every possible inch on her small body is covered. Touched. Ken moves down, first on her immature breasts, then down to her tummy. Then the middle of her legs. The girl is trembling.
It’s taking too much time.
Then, together, Ken and Kelly embrace. He’s twice the size of her yes, and he is wearing panties, but that doesn’t matter. Now Kelly is touching him. It is love in its purest form.
The front door slams open.
She immediately puts clothes on Ken, pulling the slacks up and the dirty polo shirt on. Before she could get to Kelly, her bedroom door opens. Her father comes in.
He looks around. It is a mess, and in the middle is his daughter, sitting complacently. She looks to him with deep brown eyes.
“Whatcha doing?
“Nothing,” she responds. One of the pink ribbons in her hair flutters as she speaks.
He looks around again and then back at her. “Wanna play?”
She grins and nods. Before she leaves the room with him, she flings Kelly away.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,740 Reviews
This was really great! I loved the contrast between the dark mood and the innocence (usually) of a child. Your grammar was great and the story had a wonderful flow. I'll definitely read more from you! The cliffhanger ending really made this story interesting. I liked that there were multiple ways to interpret the meaning. Kudos!
Wow...
Wow...
I didn't get it for most of the story. At first I just thought she was violent, but then with the sudden use of that word, that blunt rude word, it shockd me. This weird little girl, violent and rude. But it was written so well it just gripped me. And then the ending was so so so shocking.
You have a very twisted mind.
I don't know if that's good or not.
The writings incredible though.
Right at the end, perhaps you could say a bit more about how she's feeling about what the dad says. I take it he's abusing her? She could gulp, or shiver slightly, just to make me like her a bit more. But then maybe not. I dunno. Well creepy.
*Shudders* God, way to get my mind into creepy mode! *Shudders again* Thanks for that. Apart from the...*Shudders yet again* It is very well written. You should write horror books. You seem suited for it and I would definatly buy a book written by you.
Oh...My...Gosh...
This was wicked. I wanted to stop reading it was so creepy but you kept pulling me back in! The ending! Ahhh! I can't even descibe how well you tied that in! Very masterful! *Bows down* You are a master!
Haha! It was disturbing yet the elegance of the writing just blew my mind, I'm still trying to process it
~Starleene~
OMG that freaked me out! I love the idea of the cliffhanger because it makes us crave more, and good job showing how a child can easily be influenced by their parents. You're a great author!! I'm new to YWS and I hope that you can check out my story and lend me feedback on how I can become an excellent writer like you
The ending scared me, it left me hanging with a thought running through my head, "What'd they do?" And OMG, the dolls played with each other.
It's not boring and it really affected me. And you've presented the dolls like they have life in an excellent life.
It's good! This is the first time that I encountered a story like this. Dolls and scary. But I find this one cool.
I feel violated.... But in all seriousness this was a very well written story that was well put together. I literally gasped at the last scene with the father. Ughhh... *shivers*
This is brilliant, but very, very disturbing. *shudders*
My only complaint: I noticed the same thing about the age as JFW1415 did. She seems very young most of the time, but then the braces... Maybe just cut them out?
Keep it up!;)
~Kalliope
A everyone else said, this was too perfect for words. The only thing that can be improved (I think) is the age. It seems to keep switching from 5/6 to 10. The things that sound like she's 10: 'you like that, don't you, you little whore,' though she may just be quoting her father, and the braces thing. The rest either sounds like she's 5/6 or can be either. A lot of it seems to be leaning towards the younger side (she's VERY impatient,) but I'm not sure what you can do about the 10 part. When I first read this, I only read the second half (I know, I'm lazy
) and I was convinced that she was 12. I'm confused...but you'll figure something out with your brilliant writing! 
(Oh, and sorry for rambling...)
Snoink!
....
Whoa... that was... uh... I don't know what to say... that was... very.. perturbing! How about that?
Well, one more thing:
Eeeeeew!
BBB
heheh
Whoa that is so... creepy! How old is she? 7, 8?
Wow. That was amazing. Disturbing, but...wow.
I love how this is pretty weird, but strangely true at the same time. My sister made me play with her barbie dolls all the time, so I can relate to this a bit, even though I'm a guy. Anyway, I didn't find this to be that disturbing, in my opinion. It might be because I'm a bit disturbed, myself, but you somehow made me think about what would/could have been actually happening while the girl was doing this, whether it was literally or figuratively. i wasn't altogether able to tell anymore after reading this. XD
Anyway, great job! Keep up the great work!
Wow. I thought that it was very well written and definitely gave me the creeps.
It's hard to find a scary story that is actually successfull in it's delivery so I just want to say Good Job! I really like the idea behind it.
Gaahhhh.
*Covers face*
Scaryscaryscary.
The writing was very detailed and your choice of words and sentence structure and all that good stuff just made it a little more scarier, if that's what you can call it.
And what I liked about the story was that you subtly sneaked details in, like the color of her hair, or her eyes, or her voice. Better than just piling it all on a big plate and shoving it in the reader's face.
But this story was creepy in a very good way.
I am officially freaked out.
I kind of figured that by the time I got back around to critiquing this, it would be heavily unneccessary (seeing as there are three pages of opinion here), but what the heck:
In short, I felt incredibly dirty, reading this. It was basically doll porn. It was very psychological. You hated the girl, and yet, felt empathy. It was complex. Which was great -- you wrote it so simply. These short, detailed sentences, with complex implications behind them. It was very, very well done.
My only complaint is your vagueness concerning the age of the girl. I briefly skimmed the three pages of crit you have here (very briefly, I will add,) and saw that you have addressed the issue. My two cents is: the first time I read this through, I thought her to be in the ten to twelve-year-old range. Braces, and her vernacular ("Well, you must pretend." and the use of the word "whore"), in my opinion, suggest that she's older.
In a story like this, I think setting an age (or at least, an age range) is essential. It's crucial to the message of the story -- the younger the girl, the more corrupt her innocence is. Maybe you could add in different elements to imply that she's younger, I don't know. I feel like that issue needs to be sorted out. It would do tons to build the story, get the message across.
Anyway, excellent job. I liked this piece because it gave me something to think about. Send me an IM or whatever if you want to talk about it further.
Lyndsey
This was unfortunately well-written. Because of that, I did read the whole thing. Unfortunate because it was so disturbing. But then again, I'm sure you know all of the above. I'm just here to add my two cents and help solidify everyone else's
LOL. But I totally agree.
Wow, Snoink, that was.......freaky. I can not say that I liked this. It was disturbing and I guess that is why it is rated R.
But despite the way it is totally inappropriate and weird and scary and other words that I can not think of, the story line was good. Your spelling was good. No typos seen. And um....all grammar = A++
I don't really know what to say. I cannot decide if this was enjoyable or not. I need to think.
(Many hours later) OK. I think you did good on this. Later
-- M.B.Author
Woah that was amazing. The suspense was brilliant, the ending was perfect, really chilling. And now I'm a bit creeped out. Brilliant stuff. Too speechless to say anything more helpful.Wow.
Kay Kay>> Grif pointed out that too, which means that it is possible that what you think is going to happen doesn't necessarily have to be that way; in other words, it's possible that she isn't being molested by her father. With that said, this is a short story and will NOT be continued on in any larger story.
(Basically? Don't listen to my words and just take the story's word on things, lol.)
JC>> Glad you liked it!
Ari>> Haha, that makes sense. In a way, I'm glad that I didn't have to choose a specific age for my heroine. No mattter. She could be a little older and the story would stand strong.
Sarah>> Aww... so it's not romantic fiction? Sadness.
It's amazing how a story as dark and twisty as this grabs people's attention so. Luckily for you, I am dark and twisty...
The title grabbed my attention right away, as there is something disturbing to me about dolls. So, very good job with that!
Also, your short, choppy sentences are VERY effective in conveying both the little girl's naivety (she is just a child after all) and the darkness that such horrible experience at such a young age has put in her. (At least, it was my interpretation that her father had molested her, I suppose she could just have stumbled onto one to many scrambled soft-porn channels...)
I just have a couple of suggestions for you:
The first is the use of the passive voice. I've been using it consistently in this review, and you should know what it is. It is the use of any form of the "be verbs," i.e., am, are, were, is, etc. It's not bad to use these, especially in a rough draft of something, but usually if you take the time and effort to reword your sentence so that you use a different verb, it becomes a stronger sentence. You use "is" very often in this story. And while the lack of a complex style (though the theme is VERY complex) is partly what makes this story so good, I believe that you could make it an even stronger story with a creepier tone if you were to revise it.
Another: this is not romantic fiction. Haha...in any of its forms. It's not romance, and it's not Romantic.
"They were afraid of her, but there was nothing they could do."
The use of the past tense works in the sentence before because you are recalling a specific event that happened in the past. This sentence is back in the present and should be present tense.
"She frowns and let his plastic hand, his hard hand..."
It should be: "She frowns and LETS his plastic hand..." Also, I think you should combine the two parts: "She frowns and lets his hard plastic hand..." I think the use of the word "hard" is still effective and it reads a little more smoothly.
The fact she smirks at Ken's "panties" because "she is used to boxers" is well done foreshadowing. Also, at the end, her pink ribbon is fluttering...what is it fluttering from? The ceiling fan?
Anyway, very good writing. Creepy story, yes, but it wouldn't have been creepy had you not written it so well. Hope my suggestions help!
-Sarah
I was just reading over this again, being impressed by your skills of succinct-ness and such, but when I read your comment about her being 5 or 6, I found it odd that she would have braces. Maybe this has just been in my experience, but don't kids generally have to lose all their teeth before getting them put on? And even then, it's usually not younger than 8 or 9.
That was wonderfully creepy...too true...and just...kind of...eww....
Good job though. Nothing to critique.
Disturbing much? Please tell me that she was not immitating what happens between her and her father when he asks her if she wants to play. I mean she talks about how Ken is bigger than Kelly and when the door slams shut Ken puts his clothes back on.
Am i missing something. I loved reading it but wow. Is there going to be more?
Such a disturbing story...yet awesome at the same time. Perfect example of Quiet Horror XD.
I didn't get scared by this (happens when you've been desensatized by video games lol). However I thought it was quite interesting and original. The way you worded the story made it simple and engaging for me to read. Kept me interested Snoink.
Good work XD
Novel? Since when? Email me a chapter?
Anyway, lovely story. Takes more than this to disturb my mind though
You don't need any help on this one. It is so smoothly polished that I am almost jealous of it
Very well written, a little scary i must admit but wow it really got my attention.
Hm, I have some critiques, but I will save those for a time other than 12:03 AM (Eastern Standard Time, of course.) Just using this post as a placeholder to remind me to come back later.
But yeahh ... realll disturbing, Snoink.
I read this story on your website and I still love it.
Love love love! <3 Fantastic job you delightful deviant you ^_~
LUNA
Glad you liked it! ^_^
The girl, in my mind, is five or six years old. She may be older or younger, depending on what you perceived her to be, but that's my thought. I believe that she is so severely psychologically upset that yes, she does like the attention her father gives her because it makes him happy and anything that she can do that can make him happy makes her happy as well. I don't think that she fully appreciates sex nor do I think that she has a thing for her father, but this can be interpreted in many different ways.
Er... not published yet. Too lazy to be published, sadly, lol. But I have finished a novel and am looking for an agent.
I HAVE to ask this.
Does the Girl have a thing for her Father?
But other than that, nice story. My favorite kind of fiction.
And... are you published yet?
This is kinda disturbing and ... well... scary.
*shudders*
good style but.... the content was horrific!
Thanks!
i really like it!!!
*stabs past tense*
Ah, one day, it will be completely pretty!
And I think I put that comma there to add the next clause, almost as an afterthought, if that makes any sense...
Glad you two liked it!
Great its totally strange. and written great. (unlike that sentance)
I liked how morbid and disturbing this was, amazing job. Things like this entertain the hell out of me. Ever since I read Lolita its a source of interest
I don't think you need a comma after mess, seeing as there is a 'and'The only other thing I noticed is your verb tense. It has a heavy feeling of present tense, but now and then I saw -ed verbs and instead of pointing each and everyone out to you, I figured I would just tell you.
Otherwise, really good
It's not a really scary story, really. The ending just hits you pretty hard.
It didn't scare me. I really liked this story, it's quite unique. I think every girl can relate to this because that's what they did their dolls, haha. Good job. Keep up the amazing story writing.
uhhh...
'nuff said
that was stunning to my heart.
i was wondering about that end. it seems like some kind of taboo is going on.
but the girl, she's wicked which makes the story hit me like "whoa"
All I can say is really, really disturbing and really, really good.
*shudders*
Because it's a story about love.
Well, you know my thoughts on this piece from TSR. I'm just wondering why you felt this was correct for Romantic fiction.
Ah...brilliant. The ending sort of tied it all together,didn't it? I would love to comment profusely and make this deep and meaningful but there is a cassorole waiting for me in the kitchen, so let's make this quick:
The way the girl takes out her sexual frustrations (or sexual obsessions, as it were) is brilliant.
The way it is shown from the dolls point of view, calling her Her or She, is excellent.
And of course I couldn't find a single grammatical error in the whole thing, so, kudos.
Thanks a lot!
That is a really creepy story, but very well written. *shudders* Very strange.
A bit scary Snoink! But, hehe, you always were a bit out there!
Dang, Snoink, way to disturb me.
I actually had Addie over my shoulder when I first started reading this, but as soon as I read, “You like that, don’t you, you little whore?” I was like *loud voice* "Well, okay, time for you to really get going on your homework... yes siree... time to get moving..." *frantically hitting backspace button*
LOL... But anyway. Now that I don't have to censor my screen, I have a couple of comments.
Of course. I mean, what else would it be?
This line seems to add even more creepiness to the story: a little girl with a sex obsession and violent tendencies. *shudders*
I'm not sure the ellipses are necessary here. It seems like you've been really consistent with your short, choppy sentences that keep of the tenseness of this piece, but then you've got these somewhat random ellipses that slow the pace. I'm not sure if that was your intent, but the emphasis seemed off to me. I would exchange them for a nice semicolon instead.
I found this to be a bright spot of dark humour (;)) amidst all this disturbing-ness. Maybe I just have a weird sense of humour, but this is probably what convinced me to finish reading. I was beginning to be concerned about how this was going to end up.
Just a little tense mix-up here. I think it should be, "Before she can get to Kelly..." etc.
So, overall, much creepiness and disturbing material here. But the fact that you managed it without being trashy in your writing is commendable.
Hehehe!
Thus, the clever use of the cliffhanger. You can use your own imagination as to what really happened, using the story as a foundation as your beliefs.
Devious, huh?
I tend to scare a lot of people, actually.
The ending seemed to scare me...
I mean... seriously... it scared me...
Oh my god I'm so scared... Oh god...
Was it JUST roleplay she was doing with the dolls or am I just twisted in the head?
*Probably both*
I liked the idea of it, this is how I played Barbie when I was 10 XD
Hahaha... *coughs*
Oh, I'm so scared now lol... *weeps and laughs at the same time*
Snoink you scare me.
haha.... I really think this is great. The idea and the writing. Good job.