Somebody called you pretentious today.
It was not that which bugged you, because you have been called that many times before. It was the way it was said, the classic sneer widening as it saw you finger the bandages on your wrists. You were nervous, you were anxious, and yet you can’t help but stare as the lips formed themselves, pronouncing you a fraud.
But you cannot move. You cannot give the grin the satisfaction of seeing you sway, tears brimming in your eyes, so choked up that every word makes your throat ache. So you just stand there, your face hardening in its plaster mold until you become a statue. You have died, a monument that no one cares for because of your sagging lips and bitten-down fingernails.
You are a failure.
And yet it wasn’t always this way. Once, you played in the garden, reaching for the sticky figs that were always a couple of inches too high. And then, exhausted from climbing and running, you finally buried yourself in the grass, watching the butterflies dance overhead…
It was nighttime when you caught your first firefly. When you saw it first, you thought it was a star. But when you reached for the light, your fingers were too clumsy and they crushed him. In the dim light, you searched vainly for the star, but it was gone and all that was left was the purple blood, splattered on your thumb.
It was an accident, it was an accident.
But even as you think these words, you stop and turn to the moon. And you cry, your sobs drifting off in the open night air. The stars cry with you, their lights flickering distantly as tears twinkle off like falling diamonds. But the silver moon never speaks.
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Canary word: Present
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125,022 Literary Works • 672,752 Reviews
Wow this story is really good!!!
You discribed everything really well so that the reader could emphasise what the character is feeling.
Even though it wasnt that long those words were probably alot more interesting than a whole 2 pages!!!
I liked this. Loved this, actually.
Your ending is magnificent--you make the moon sound unsympathetic and mercyless. You personify an object through mere description and obvious statements--"The silver moon never speaks." Excellent job on that.
My only problem here is the actual...well, storyline. It seemed like a jumble of obscure anecdotes gathered into one, small exercise--and it was very confusing. How do you skip from the "You are a failure" to the butterfly and grass story? You make it sound like they are comparable, but they are actually similar to each other!
(Ask me if you don't understand that ^)
But overall, this was amazing. Great job.
I don't think that you can necessarily say that fraud is a synonym for pretentious. Sure, some pretentious people might be frauds, but I don't think that enough are to generalize.
I tend to think that the whole paragraph before catching fireflies, the one about reaching for the fig branch, is unnecessary, and too isolated to be relevant enough for inclusion. Additionally, if you were buried in the grass, you wouldn't be looking up at the butterflies overhead.
Of course I loved how you pulled off second person:D Everything looked pretty good to me up until this point:
The act of turning to the moon, and the description of it as such, seemed a tad... contrived to me, and I think you could leave it off. Maybe you could spend that sentence instead on expanding on the not breathing part? Likewise, I think that the sentence "In desperation, you turn to the sky" could be left off as well, so that not breathing segues right into crying with the stars. I think that the last paragraph is a lovely way to end.
This is amazing!
I think this would sound better, "You have died, a monument that no one cares for, with your sagging lips and bitten-down fingernails." The because doesn't make sense.
Maybe add one more sentence in between the two? It feels a little incomplete.
The three one-line paragraphs don't really match each other. The first two are directed at the character, and the third is the character's thoughts. It's a small thing, though.
I love the transition from present to past: it's so natural, I almost didn't notice it. I also really like your description of the garden. Even though you didn't use a ton of wordy detail, it's just enough so that I can see it. That's perfect!
Is this about Sadie? The bandages thing makes me think of her.
Amazing. It's so cool, the way you brought out the werewolf in the last paragraphs.
5 stars! Is there an emoticon for that?
Hi Snoink! You know, I think this is the first time I've ever actually read anything by you. And I'm satisfyingly impressed.
Just a few kinks (and one random piratey ramble):
Maybe it's just the fact that I'm tired beyond words, but this made no sense to me. I had to read it several times and it still didn't click.
I think you could expand on this a bit more. More emotion and that touchy-feely jazz.
Do fireflies really have purple blood? That's cool. [/random]
A cookie for the second person! It actually works really well with this piece. And there's not much else to say, other than the ever-classic "awesome bo-possum!"
...I need to go back to bed. xD
-St. Razorblade
The Official YWS Pirate
Short, but moving! From the first sentence it caught my eye. First sentences are always crucial on whether the reader will continue reading or not. But you made it in my case! Congrats!
Couldn't really see how that could fit or connect perfectly.. but ah, what the heck.
Sagging lips doesn't sound.. well, I've never heard of lips sagging. Haha. *tries to imagine myself with lips sagging* Oh dear, I look scary.
I loved this paragraph! It's so sad and broken. I feel for it.
In the beginning of this paragraph, you wrote "turn to the moon". At the end, you wrote "turn to the sky". Isn't it more or less the same direction?
Overall it was wonderful. Don't mind me sometimes, I might be picky. Still, great job!
I am in complete awe with how fantastic that was, really.
*~* AWE *~*
That said... In the sentance below you repeat 'it' a few times, it sticks out, is the third 'it' supposed to be there? I.e, is it meant to indicate a elusiveness to the gender of the speaker?
"It was the way it was said, the classic sneer widening as it saw you finger the bandages on your wrists."
Once again... awe.
*Hearts* Le Penguin.
OMG!
I love it! It's too good! 