I trudged down the near-isolated sidewalk. Pan was boring. As a town we didn't get all of the new technology the government was making. Only special cities got that hubba-baloo, and there were only about five like that total. Huge, very futuristic cities with floating buildings, and air transportation. The best a town like Pan got was hover boards. Sure they were fine, but they took forever to recharge, and you could only use them for about 4 hours at a time. Anyway, boring towns never got any awesome tech junk. Pan was one of those boring towns. Literally, the name in Spanish meant "bread".
I don't think the government's gonna' pay attention to "Bread" anytime soon.
"Mags? Maggie? Are you even listening?" I glanced over at Liff, nodding slightly.
"What, yeah, yeah. Sure," I looked up at the grey sky. It was getting pretty dark, and it would probably rain soon. Liff flipped her shiny golden hair over her shoulder defiantly.
"Fine. If you don't want to talk, that's okay with me," she muttered, shrugging her backpack onto one shoulder. Honestly, I did want to talk. I just found it so hard to focus in on people sometimes...
"No, no. I do, sorry. What were you saying?" Seeming to be happy to get to talk again, Liff beamed.
"I was saying, I think it's ridiculous how people dress at the Learning Center. Gah, I want to hit them over the head with my tablet sometimes." Liff blew a bubble with her blueberry bubblegum, and laughed. "I mean, can't she tell that her turquoise hair does not go well with her Golden Plaffoon?"
I grimaced inwardly. All Liff ever wanted to talk about was fashion. Weren't there other more important things to talk about? Like the crappy government, or the horrible yet chronology-advanced society we lived in? Though, she did have a point... The girl she was describing had definitely dressed 'loudly'. The plaffoon around her waist had been almost as wide as her legs were long, and had not exactly 'complimented' her ugly hairstyle.
I fingered my brown braid absently. Even Liff was dying her hair these days... It was golden at the moment, but before it had been black, red, and then an emerald green. I actually wouldn't be that surprised to see that it had all fallen out one day.
As Liff ranted about outfits and hairstyles, I looked down at my blue and grey sneakers. They were pretty old, as most people in Pan wore the silver shoes that fit any size foot. It was one of the less new ones, created a few years ago. There were only a few teachers at school who still wore 'old shoes'.
I would wear the others, but they were pretty expensive, and the old ones are pretty much free now that nobody wants them. A lot of things are becoming free now that all of the brand-spankin' new stuff is coming out. It started in 2022, with the silver shoes and then hover boards a couple months later. Then came the shower-in-a-tablet in the spring of 2023. Finally, the automatic lighting, lights that went off by themselves at whatever hour you set them at. They just came up with that this last month.
"Oh, and my auntie died last night." Liff brought me back to my senses.
"What? Oh, I'm sorry to hear that-"
"Joking, Mags. I was trying to see if you were actually listening to anything I was saying, or if you were still caught up in that brain of yours." She stopped at the driveway to my house. "Listen," she looked straight at me. "If anything's wrong, please tell me, alright?" I nodded.
"Alright." After I could no longer see her, I walked down the pavement up to the front porch. As soon as I opened the door I was greeted with screams of joy.
"Sissy, sissy! Look what I did while you were at school!" Johnathon clambered up on a chair, holding a tin foil airplane above his head.
"Wow Johnny! That's even better than mine!" I ruffled his sandy brown hair, and winked at him. Johnny was honestly the smartest five year old I knew. "Where's mom?"
"Kitchen," he said, throwing the airplane over my head. I dropped my backpack on the sofa.
"Mom, I'm home," I yelled, running my fingers along the wall as I made my way to her.
End of chapter
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139,216 Literary Works • 672,511 Reviews
The grammar has vastly improved in this chapter.
You do switch tenses once, though. Don't worry, it's not just you--I've had that problem, as well.
But if you meant for hr to be a good, well-loved character, maybe reconsider some of her lines.
I wonder what this will have to do with the prologue...
I don't like Liff. If that's your intention, great indirect characterization!
Wassuuuuup.
Okay so because I was a naughty Skins and got to this pretty slowly, your previous reviewers have pretty much covered everything already. Nonetheless, I will prevail and attempt to at least be somewhat helpful, even if it means highlighting specific points I agree with on other reviews. So anywho, let's get started!
This had a totally different feel to the prologue, but I kind of liked that. It made the prologue seem like a prologue (as opposed to a first chapter referred to as a prologue), and it raised numerous questions about how the two stories will connect. I want to know more! This is quite a short extract and if the second half of the first chapter is this short, I actually think you'd be better off just posting the whole thing in one go. But anywho, due to that I'm yet to have a huge grasp of your characters. Despite that, I can fairly confidently say I like Maggie, particularly in regards to her relationship with Liff. They seem like a fun pair, and I think you could do some pretty cool stuff with them. In terms of grammar, spelling, flow, yada yada, you've done a swell job of that. No complaints here, anyway!
Oh, one thing before I get into it:
Y'know this is a thing already, right? My gran has one, randomly enough.
But yes, anyway
The main critique I want to give you is in regards to drawing your reader in because there's nothing in this extract that really does that, but then I kinda don't want to discuss this because there's another half a chapter that I'm missing where, like, a house could explode and rabid unicorns could appear for all I know. Nonetheless, as this is the beginning of the first chapter (and I'm such a introduction nazi), it is kind of important for you to create a bit more of an impact here. Your prologue created a brilliant hook, and with that ending the way it did you want it to lead into something pretty fascinating. Now hear me out: I'm not saying the content of this extract needs to be changed at all because there is absolutely nothing wrong with conversational openings. I'm just thinking that maybe your first paragraph or two of this should be a bit more hooking. I mean, this is set in a mysterious futuristic world, embrace it! Fascinate your readers with this world, y'know? you discuss some of the cool intentions and that's awesome, but really set it apart form the here and the now.
Building upon that idea, description is something I think you need more of. If you can be a little more descriptive of everything, all of the futuristic aspects of this world will truly come to life. It's all well and good to talk about the inventions, but show them to us! Let us mere mortals (readers) experience them. I think another reviewer mentioned something like this actually... Ah, yes, WritingWolf mentioned visuals. This is kind of the same thing. I want to feel like I'm in this world, particularly as it's one so different to mine, and the best way for you to do that is to use descriptions. Not just visuals, but smells, sounds, tastes e.t.c. (all the senses, basically, which you probably figured anyway but y'know). I won't ramble on about this because WritingWolf has already touched on it, but I definitely think it's something that could really bring this extract to life.
That's all I have, methinks. Sorry this has been pretty unhelpful, I just wanted to avoid repeating things others have said, plus for some reason I'm quite bad at reviewing shorter stuff (idk why, my attention span resembles that of a deformed goldfish so you'd think I'd be the other way around). Basically, all I think you need to do here is to go to town on the descriptions and throw us readers into your world, and just generally spice things up a bit after your pretty epic prologue. Again, content-wise there is absolutely nothing wrong with conversational openings, but you've got to make it super enticing, ya get me? Nonetheless, I'm very much looking forward to reading more of this and finding out how the crazy runaway girl will connect to ol' Mags.
Keep writing,
xoxo Skins
Yeah - I tried posting another novel chapter by chapter, and it just seemed to get less reviews. Though this one is still shorter than the other...%u3000%uFF29%u2019%uFF4D%u3000%uFF4A%uFF55%uFF53%uFF54%u3000%uFF54%uFF45%uFF53%uFF54%uFF49%uFF4E%uFF47%u3000%uFF44%uFF49%uFF46%uFF46%uFF45%uFF52%uFF45%uFF4E%uFF54%u3000%uFF49%uFF44%uFF45%uFF41%uFF53%u3002%u3000%uFF08%uFF21%uFF4E%uFF44%u3000%uFF59%uFF4F%uFF55%u2019%uFF4C%uFF4C%u3000%uFF48%uFF41%uFF56%uFF45%u3000%uFF54%uFF4F%u3000%uFF46%uFF4F%uFF52%uFF47%uFF49%uFF56%uFF45%u3000%uFF4D%uFF45%uFF0C%u3000%uFF42%uFF45%uFF43%uFF41%uFF55%uFF53%uFF45%u3000%uFF4D%uFF59%u3000%uFF4C%uFF41%uFF50%uFF54%uFF4F%uFF50%u3000%uFF49%uFF53%u3000%uFF42%uFF45%uFF49%uFF4E%uFF47%u3000%uFF41%u3000%uFF22%uFF35%uFF34%uFF34%u3002%uFF09%u3000%uFF22%uFF55%uFF54%u3000%uFF29really don't feel like restarting so this weird font thing will go away.
Anyway, I agree with you on description. %uFF29know it will be easy, yet hard at the same time to... Hard, because%u3000%uFF54%uFF48%uFF45%u3000%uFF54%uFF48%uFF49%uFF4E%uFF47%uFF53%u3000%uFF41%uFF52%uFF45%uFF4E%u2019%uFF54%u3000%uFF52%uFF45%uFF41%uFF4C%uFF4C%uFF59%u3000%uFF49%uFF4E%u3000%uFF45%uFF58%uFF49%uFF53%uFF54%uFF45%uFF4E%uFF54%u3000%uFF59%uFF45%uFF54%u3002%u3002%u3002%u3000%uFF22%uFF55%uFF54%u3000%uFF45%uFF41%uFF53%uFF59%u3000%uFF42%uFF45%uFF43%uFF41%uFF55%uFF53%uFF45%u3000%uFF29%u2019%uFF4C%uFF4C%u3000%uFF42%uFF45%u3000%uFF41%uFF42%uFF4C%uFF45%u3000%uFF54%uFF4F%u3000%uFF49%uFF4D%uFF41%uFF47%uFF49%uFF4E%uFF45%u3000%uFF54%uFF48%uFF45%uFF4D%u3002%u3000%uFF1A%uFF24
%uFF21%uFF4E%uFF59%uFF57%uFF41%uFF59%uFF0C%u3000%uFF54%uFF48%uFF41%uFF4E%uFF4B%uFF53%u3000%uFF46%uFF4F%uFF52%u3000%uFF54%uFF48%uFF45%u3000%uFF52%uFF45%uFF56%uFF49%uFF45%uFF57%uFF01(and now I%uFF4D%uFF55%uFF53%uFF54%u3000%uFF52%uFF45%uFF53%uFF54%uFF41%uFF52%uFF54%u3000%uFF4F%uFF52%u3000%uFF45%uFF4C%uFF53%uFF45%u3000%uFF45%uFF56%uFF45%uFF52%uFF59%uFF54%uFF48%uFF49%uFF4E%uFF47%u3000%uFF57%uFF49%uFF4C%uFF4C%u3000%uFF4A%uFF55%uFF53%uFF54%u3000%uFF45%uFF58%uFF50%uFF4C%uFF4F%uFF44%uFF45%u3000%uFF4F%uFF52%u3000%uFF53%uFF4F%uFF4D%uFF45%uFF54%uFF48%uFF49%uFF4E%uFF47%uFF09
%uFF34%uFF48%uFF41%uFF4E%uFF4B%uFF53%u3000%uFF41%uFF47%uFF41%uFF49%uFF4E%uFF01:D
Oh my gosh. (The previous was just saying thanks for the review - %uFF41%uFF4E%uFF44%u3000%uFF29agree with you on the description.
%uFF09
Haha, no worries! YWS does this sometimes, you just gotta roll with it
It tends to happen to me when I use the site on my phone, for some reason. But anywho, yeah, in terms of posting chapters and stuff I get ya, people here tend to have a short attention span! And you don't need to go overboard on the descriptions or anything, just a bit more to spice things up 
I didn't find this boring at all! Maybe it's just me, but I rather like conversation and good bits of description about what a character is thinking or feeling.
It also helps that we're in a different place than the prologue, too, it makes us much more compelled to read on, I think.
I suppose I'll just leave it at, this was really good. I'm very interested to learn more about this world and Maggie (adorable name, by the way).
Alas, I came here to write a review, but WritingWolf and Jumpyspot beat me to everything I was gonna say.
Onward! To the cliffhanger! AWAY!!
- BookWolf
Thanks so much for the review, Jumpy!
Hi there! Wolf here for a review. It's been a while since I reviewed a novel so pardon me if I'm a little scattered.
First off, I want to talk about how this ties into your prologue. A lot of people discourage having prologues because most of the time the stuff covered in the prologue can be worked into the story in other ways. I also have this pet peeve about when a book's opening has a different tone then the rest of the book. That doesn't mean you can't have a prologue, you just need to put some thought into why you have one.
I would like to bring to your attention the tones you have established. To me the prologue sounds like the opening to a high-action have-to-fix-my-mistake kind of story. On the other hand, this chapter sounds like a little more laid back kind of action where the main character ends up getting dragged along into someone else's quest. Those two do work together, but because I am talking about the overall feel (not what it actually is) you need to make a conscious decision of which one you want your novel to have. If you want the rest of the novel to have a similar tone to this chapter you may want to consider making the opening a similar tone (so that readers know what they're getting into and won't lose interest after the prologue). If you want it to be more like the prologue's tone then I think you're good.
Also, do you plan on having more scenes viewed from Dr. R's POV? If you do then there isn't much reason why your prologue is a prologue and not just a first chapter. If we won't see him again for a while it makes more sense to me that it is a prologue. Just something to think about.
Okay, moving on. Visuals. I can't really see this scene. I have the general idea of what's going on and who's there, and that's good, but its not quite enough.
Based on what I know from my own life I assumed that they are walking on a sidewalk next to a road (for cars) that is lined with houses. Due to the fact that this is set in the future I have absolutely no way of knowing that that is indeed what it actually looks like. (do people still use cars?) There is also nothing that makes this a sidewalk in Pan and not just a sidewalk somewhere in the world. What season is it? What kind of plants are there? What colors are the houses? What size are the houses?
Adding more visuals will be a bit tricky in this specific situation. You have some (really good) internal dialogue going on and you don't want to interrupt it. What I would recommend is to add in just one or two little bits of information every time she comes out of her thoughts.
For example, at the very beginning the fact that the sidewalk is "near-isolated" does help with the visuals (because now I know how many other people there are). A little bit farther on you included the fact that the sky is grey. I liked that bit, telling us about the weather.
You should continue with that throughout the chapter. As we get farther into the novel we will have a better idea of what Pan looks like and you wont need to describe it as much. Right now we just don't know. In truth, that's part of the fun of sci-fi (and fantasy), the world can be anything. It is so much fun to read a sci-fi novel with good world building and visuals because you can immerse yourself into something completely new.
I do really like the way you follow Maggie's thoughts in this so don't like, I dunno, take some of that out in exchange for the visuals.
I really like what we can see of Maggie's and Liff's friendship. If it stays throughout the novel I think they will definitely be adored by your readers. I guess it just feels real with the different interests and the fact that one is talkative and the other a bit more quiet. Great job there.
I doubt anyone else will really care, but the name Johnathon just really doesn't sit well with me. I think its because the spelling makes it look like one of those weird made up sci-fi names but when you actually read it its kind of normal sounding. Like I said, I doubt any one else will even notice, but if you want to do something about it I would recommend spelling it Jonathon. The H isn't really necessary to its pronunciation and having fewer letters makes it look a little more normal at first glance.
I also really like what you did with the shoes. The fact that she has to wear "old shoes" tells us all about her family's financial status without ever actually mentioning it. I love it when writer's do that.
Because most novels posted on YWS are just rough first drafts normally I try not to pick at specific little things, but this just glared at me so much I have to say something. This part here...
"Liff blew a bubble with her blueberry bubblegum, and laughed."
The fact that she blew a bubble makes it obvious that the gum she is chewing is in fact bubblegum and specifying it makes it sound a little redundant. Just call it gum.
Sorry about that, it just kept itching at me the entire time I was writing this.
I saw on the prologue that you weren't sure about the name. Personally, I really like Blotted Out. If I saw it sitting on a shelf I would definitely read the back to see what it's about. You should hold onto it as you keep writing.
My general impression of this chapter was actually really good. It pulled me in and got me wondering about what would happen next. Thumbs up for that! If you continue posting I will definitely keep reading.
I hope you find something in this review helpful.
As always, keep writing!
~WW
This review was definitely helpful!
Thank you so much!
Yes - at first the prologue was actually entitled "Untitled", but then I changed it a while after.
Anyway, I'll definitely look into everything else you mentioned. Thanks again!
You're welcome!