The silence of the tunnels gave off a certain eeriness... Even when I used to lie in bed at night, there would still at least be the rustle of the wind. The ticking of a clock. The flap of my curtains. Down here, it was utterly silent. Even the water had stopped making the plip-plopping noise it had before.
A sudden urge for sound filled my heart. "Don't worry, Magdeline," I whispered to myself slowly, "you'll reach the safe room soon enough..." I pulled out the watch and checked the front. A soft green light illuminated the screen. 7:46. It had probably been around five when I had first come into Martin's shop, which meant I had been in the tunnel for about an hour and a half. What had he said before about the supplies? That they would last me the next couple days? I couldn't stand two days in this tunnel - and, how could I even know to trust Martin anyway?
Who else do you have to trust? A little voice echoed inside my mind. I knew it was right. If I couldn't trust my own friends, then there wasn't much hope left. I made a mental list of the people I could trust later on.
1.Martin
2.Mom
3.Liff
4.Johnny
Really I can trust anyone except for the guys with the silver tattoo. I think. Thinking of Johnny made my heart ache. He must be so scared right now... I just hoped Martin would be able to keep his promise.
Thinking of Martin made me scared. Well, scared wasn't exactly it, more like - anxious. Martin was an ordinary, old snow cone inventor who owned his own shop. He wasn't, exciting. Maybe it wasn't really Martin, just someone posing as him so they could shove me up this tunnel. It wouldn't be the weirdest thing that had happened today. Then again, that still wouldn't explain why Martin had an escape tunnel in the back of his kitchen. Or what those men with the silver tattoos wanted with me as well as the other citizens of Pan.
But Martin had promised Johnny would be safe, and I had to believe him. Maybe he would come meet up in the safe room, and we could get back above ground. Then maybe call the actual police or notify the government or something about the guys with the silver tattoos, and then get back to living a normal life.
The little motivation left in me urged me to get moving again. "Just for another hour and half," I said while latching the watch onto my wrist, and swinging the bag over my back. "Then I'll rest again."
So I kept doing that. Crawl for 1 1/2 hours. Rest. Drink water. Repeat. I kept whispering myself along the way so I didn't feel so alone. "Alright Maggie, five more minutes." My voice was cracking even though I was still only whispering. It was my fourth or fifth break I think... I had already lost count.
I stopped, looking at the watch. 2:04. I had been in the tunnel for about eight hours, and at least five or six of them had been crawling. I needed sleep, and I needed it soon. I stopped, laying the backpack down towards the entrance of the tunnel, and laid down, facing the direction I would need to go when I woke up.
Whatever batteries were in the flashlight were working pretty dang well to have been on for this long. I laid it down, and daringly shut it off - but keeping the watch's green light on. It had an alarm on it, so I set it for three hours. Maybe I could regain some of the energy in that time...
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Beep, beep, beep. The alarm on the clock was a lot more annoying than I ever thought it could be. I rubbed my eyes, sitting up. I barely missed bumping my head on the ceiling. I was honestly surprised I hadn't forgotten where I was, like in the movies or something. But I did know.
I was still stuck in the crappy tunnel, with a crappy bag, and a bunch of crappy people wanted to get me or something.
"Alright, Magdeline. Are you ready for another one?" I had forgotten to whisper, but it didn't matter. My voice wasn't echoing like it had before...
"Hey, my voice isn't echoing!" I looked around, smiling - although no one could see it. "That has to be a good sign, right?" I stopped talking, listening carefully. I still couldn't hear anything else - but my voice not echoing thing had to be something... A sign, maybe - that I was, close?
The very thought made me want to hug Martin and dance around with him. I was almost to the safe room! I had to be!
In my excitement, I almost forgot about the flashlight. Snatching it off of the ground, I flipped the switch.
Nothing.
I almost laughed to myself as I flipped it off and back on again. I smacked it against the side of the tunnel, and shook it up a few times. I even held it upside down for a little. I didn't know what holding it upside down would do, but it couldn't possibly hurt it. Finally, after solid minutes of hacking, beating, and shaking, I came to the realization.
The flashlight was dead. I had no light.
End of chapter
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139,448 Literary Works • 672,565 Reviews
That's not good. :O
(I'm referring to the turn of events at the end, not your actual story. That's still as good as ever, lol.)
1. "Really I can..." It should probably be "could".
2. "He wasn't, exciting." The comma isn't needed. If you want to indicate a pause, try an ellipsis or a dash.
3. Crawl for 1 1/2 hours." The number should be written out.
4. "I came to the realization". I just feel it "the" should be "a".
So, overall this book/story is better than your previous works--there are just a few things, like commas and verb tenses, that you might want to work on.
I'm baaaaaaack
So there wasn't heaps and heaps that happened in this as it was all still about Maggie making her way
downtownthrough the tunnel, so I may be kind of poo at this review. I'm sure I'll be able to conjure up something to help you, though! Anywho, I liked this opportunity to see inside Maggie's head a bit more, and I'm certainly curious to find out where exactly this tunnel leads, and what is to come on the other side. Honestly, I'm just gutted Maggie will never get to eat her mum's tea. Food waste is a great fear of mine (I feel like I've said this before, I kind of hope I have so that you understand the extent of my love for food). But yus, in all seriousness, your descriptions were once again great here, and I look forward to finding out how everything is going to progress and develop. All very exciting!In regards to critiques, I'll start with a really dumb, small one. The chances of Maggie's flashlight working perfectly before sleeping, and then not at all when she wakes up seems kind of unlikely. I mean, she wasn't using it while unconscious so how would the power have drained so quickly? Plus there was no mention of it flickering or anything before going to sleep. In the end, things like that can just randomly die so I won't whine at you for it, but in that case why didn't Martin include some batteries/a charger of some kind for it in the backpack? Knowing how long the tunnel is, it seems odd he wouldn't have thought of that. Even if the flashlight (I keep going to type torch because that's what I call them) shouldn't have died, it seems like including batteries to be safe would be a sensible thing to do. Just a dumb thought, anywho.
The only proper critique I've got to give you, really, is more of a suggestion than anything. I feel like this tunnel scene, as well as last chapter's actually, is such a fantastic opportunity for you to let us get to know Maggie a lot more. She's on her own for hours and hours in a dark tunnel with nothing to do but crawl, and so it's the perfect excuse for discussing and deliberating a few things. As it stands, we don't know heaps and heaps about Maggie and her family. All we really know is that she's a schoolgirl whose mother seems to be quite a protective woman, and who has an energetic little brother. Who's her dad? What happened to him? Why is her mother so unsure about sending Johnny to school? Does she have any other family? What kind of things has she done in her life, interests, hobbies etc? Does she have ambitions? The last thing I want is for you to info-dump us, but I just feel like this is such a good chance for you to explore Maggie's life a little more.
That's all I really have to say in this review. Gah, I'm so sorry it's bad. I wrote another review before this one and it was equally as bad, so I've no idea what's wrong with me today. I hope I've bee able to help you somewhat and give you even just a shred of guidance, and if I've been unclear with anything then please do let me know. This has the potential to turn into something very interesting, that's for sure, and I'm still super eager to find out how Maggie's path will cross with that of the runaway experiment. With a few tweaks here and there, you really could be onto something great.
Keep writing,
xoxo Skins
No, it's fine.
I was having a "bad review" day yesterday as well.
But yeah - I know it's kind of bad - but I'm still kind of trying to get Maggie's family figured out myself... Which means I'll probably have to go back and edit a bunch of stuff, because I just had a fabulous idea that I wanted to add about her mom and stuff.
But I see what you mean about the tunnel being a good place to add something like that.
Thanks for the review!
Ah, that's fine. I rarely know what on earth I'm doing when I write anything, so I feel ya on that. I'm not much of a planner! So long as you do go back and edit it eventually when you have decided, it's cool!
I'm glad I was somewhat helpful anyway
AGH!! It took me so long to get around to this. :/ I'm sorry, I was really busy getting my school work back up to date. I had sort of fallen behind and the work had piled up. I'm here now though and here's your review!
Though nothing much really happened in this chapter, you still managed to keep it interesting by adding in Maggie's thoughts and who she thought she could trust, which is really awesome. You showed us how she came to turns with deciding to trust Martin and believing that he was going to protect her family. You're also doing a fantastic job at telling us how Maggie is getting through this ordeal, such as her routine as she journeys down this tunnel with only two days worth of supplies. She's definitely a strong heroine and is probably holding it together better than I could have, crawling down an endless cavern. 
"I kept whispering myself along the way so I didn't feel so alone." I think you forgot the 'to' in between 'whispering' and 'myself'.
"Alright Carol, five more minutes." Wait, who's Carol? Was this a mistake or I am I just dense? O.o
"and a bunch of crappy people wanted to get me or something." This would sound better as, "and a bunch of crappy people who were out to get me." You can add the 'or something' if you want, too.
All right, so, I really like how this is progressing. And again, your description is really on point.
So yeah, I don't have anything else to say. Not much is happening so far, but I'm really eager to see what happens now that she has no light. Hehe. *insert evil laugh* *twirls invisible mustache*
- BookWolf
Yes - Caroline was actually the original name for my MC, and I had written about 3 chapters before I changed it to Maggie.
I'll fix that right away. 
Thanks for the review!