It took all I had in me not to slap some answers out of Martin. "Go in," he said. "You must go, quickly."
"No. Martin, I want answers, and I want them now." I leaned back against the wall, frustrated. "Give me an overview of what's happening."
"Now's not the time, Magdeline." Martin's voice had a certain urgency to it. "Follow me." I fired question after question at him as he led me past the tunnel to his large stove top.
"What about Johnny? Or my mom? Are they coming with me? Where does it lead?" Martin turned around sharply, a small green backpack in hand. "Please Martin, I just want to know what's going on," I whimpered.
He whirled around, but his eyes softened. "I'll have to be quick. Those men you saw with the silver tattoos? He's bad. They're bad. Don't trust them, Maggie." He rested a hand on my shoulder. "Now listen. All you'll need for the next couple of days are in this backpack. You aren't safe here anymore. No one's safe here anymore." As soon as he finished a sentence the front door slammed open. Martin's eyes widened. "You must go now, Maggie." He whisked me back to the tunnel, pushing me in. The ground was cool and slippery, and I couldn't stand up without bumping my head on the ceiling.
"But Johnny! What about my brother?" Martin must of seen the fear in my eyes, because his own softened.
"He'll be fine. You have to trust me now though. In a minute, a bunch of those men like the one you saw in the alley are going to barge in here, and you have to keep going through the tunnel, okay? There's a flashlight in the bag. Stop when you reach the safety room. I'll meet you there."
"What safety-" but Martin had already pushed the button again, and the tunnel swallowed me up with it. I sat still for a minute, getting used to the dark. I could barely make out my hands and the backpack in front of me.
The backpack. I fumbled through it, feeling for the flashlight Martin had mentioned. Finally, my hand met it's smooth plastic covering. I flipped the switch, and blinked several times. The flashlight was a powerful one; I could see about twenty feet in front of me.
To say the tunnel was depressing would be an understatement. Its walls were completely metal, except for a few grooves on the sides. A bit of water leaked through the tops, making the floor slippery. I could sit upright on my knees, but that was just about it.
"Okay," the word reverberated off of the walls for about five minutes. I whispered instead. "Find the safety room. I just had to get to the safety room."
I crawled about ten paces, and stopped. This entire thing was going downward very slowly, if my sense of direction was still correct. "Martin..." I whispered slowly, but continued on anyway. I obviously couldn't go back the way I came, so down was the only solution.
I slipped the flashlight into my mouth, and I was able to make much faster progress. The tunnel never seemed to grow larger or smaller, it just kind of stayed the same. It was as if I was crawling down the throat of a giant mechanical creature... The half inch or so of water that trickled downward didn't help either.
Around an hour later I had to stop to catch my breath and rest. I sat down , my back leaned against one side of the wall, my feet touching the other. I couldn't stretch out all the way unless I started crawling again - and I wanted to take a break.
Holding the backpack between my knees, I examined the contents with the flashlight. There was a plastic poncho, plus the rubber band that held it, a large container filled with what I thought was water, a watch, plus a mirror. I rummaged to the very bottom of the bag. A small dagger encased in a metal carrier, which I hoped I wouldn't have to use, two granola bars, and about two or three cans of "beef and beans" was all that was left. I opened a granola bar out of its package and bit into it.
I washed it down with about a fourth of the bottle's water. Realizing how much I had already drank, I slapped myself. "I have to conserve," I whispered. After I had packed everything back into the bag, I swiveled around in the tunnel, and laid down. After giving my legs a little bit more stretching I closed my eyes, keeping the flashlight on. Despite how much battery I was probably wasting, I would never turn off the flashlight till I reached daylight. Or artificial light from the Safe Room. Whichever came first.
End of chapter
Continue to next chapter Blotted Out - Chapter 2.2Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,448 Literary Works • 672,565 Reviews
Let's get the grammar nit picks over with first.
1. When Martin is talking, I think you should omit the sentence "He's bad". Martin is referring to all the men, so bringing up just one like that seems off somehow.
2. "I just had to get to the safety room"--most of your story is in past tense, so this would be correct--if it was narration rather than dialogue. Since it is dialogue, Maggie speaking to herself in present tense, "had" should be "have".
Non-grammar issue: The first sentence makes Maggie seem callous. I get that she's stressed, but to want to slap a man she'd respected for years? It seems inconsistent with her otherwise-likable personality....
I am interested in this story! I hope this wasn't too harsh.
I've tried reviewing this chapter four times now. It always gets me stuck. I don't have anything to say. My brain is stuck in a sludge.
Forgive me.
It's quite alright.
And I'd be lying if I say that doesn't happen to me every day.I hath returned! (there is no escape)
You'r very good at them too, unlike me whose descriptions are as enticing as a cat throwing up. I still want to know more about Martin, but that's last review's critique (though I will expand on it a teeny bit here). I'm going to guess these silver tattoo'd blokes are in some way connected to the runaway experiment in the prologue, but I like how you've kept that open-ended: they could be, but then they may have absolutely nothing to do with it. All very mysterious. Some of your previous critiques have been in regards to not bringing up the runaway experiment again yet, but eh, we're barely half way into chapter 2 so I think you're still cool. So long as you don't write chapters upon chapters without mentioning or hinting at it, you're good.
Ooooooooh okay, so he got all dramatic and revelationesque (100% a word, don't question it) because those blokes will be after her. Got'cha. Kinda makes that one critique I gave in the last review redundant, oops.
Okay, so, more action, yay! This is a rather small extract so I'm not sure how useful I'll be, but of course I'll try my best. Your descriptions here were spot on, so I am super, super pleased about that. See, you can do them
I don't really have that many critiques for you here, in all honesty. The first thing that stood out to me while reading this was the backpack situation. Why did Martin have a ready-made backpack, as if he was expecting Maggie to appear with a need to hide? I guess the backpack could have originally been meant for himself, but even then, how did he know these guys may come after him? This kind of boils down to the issue of not knowing anything about Martin, I guess. If Martin knows all about whatever these guys are up too, though, wouldn't they have tried to 'remove' him the second he did find out? Why have they not done anything with him yet? I realise these are all questions that may be answered in the future, but because the action and drama has erupted this early, I do think that we need to know something. Even just a really vague idea of the answer to these questions I've brought up.
You'd swear I had a Martin complex, he's all I talk about.
The only other thing I want to bring up is a question of why these guys would come after Maggie. I can't remember if you've specified, but I get the feeling she's maybe sixteen? Maybe even younger. She didn't really see a hell of a lot. She saw the guy getting beat up, though the silver tattoo'd fellas claimed to be cops, and for all they know she totally believed them. I mean, all she knows is that these two guys were beating up a random guy. Hardly worthy of elimination, really. I realise these kind of questions can be answered in the future, but I can't help questioning it. As it stands now, it just seems a little strange to me that these guys would be so desperate to chase after a young girl who didn't see anything extremely groundbreaking. Plus if they didn't want her spreading what she saw, why didn't they just tackle her to the ground and grab her while they could? Why did they let her run off to Martin's shop?
Err, that's it... I really am failing at life today, I'm so sorry. I figure a lot of my questions will be answered in the next extract when/if Martin reappears, so I'm trying to resist rambling on about them until I read the next part. If they do remain unanswered I'll discuss them, but for now I'll just leave it at that. Me whining aside, this is turning super interesting now, and I'm thrilled to find out how the runaway experiment fits into all of this! And what the deal with Martin is... Oh, mysterious Martin.
Keep writing,
xoxo Skins
I will admit, Martin is kind of shady. But you're right - in a couple of chapters, a lot of stuff will be revealed.
I didn't notice that about the silver tattooed men before... That does seem a bit odd, now that you mention it. I'll have to go back and see what else I can add to fix it.
Thanks for the review!
Yes, that was MUCH better!
Your descriptions of the tunnel was fantastic. My favorite one was, "The ground was cool and slippery, and I couldn't stand up without bumping my head on the ceiling." I love, love this description. Not only did you tell us how large this tunnel is, but you also told us the temperature and that it is was wet--all in one sentence! It creates a near perfect image of what it looks and feels like without slowing the story down at all. 
). I'm sure we'll get to her sooner or later, but she was what peaked my interest in the first place. Not that I'm not interested in what's happening in Pan, I really, really wanna know what's going on, but the idea that some experiment gone horribly wrong has been set loose upon the world is just exciting. 
Anyway, whatever you decide I'm certain will be fine because both plot lines are really good. UNLESS IT TURNS OUT THAT THEY'RE ACTUALLY THE SAME PLOT LINE!! *gasp!* What if??
Here's a tiny suggestion:
"getting used to the dark." I think this would sound better if put like, "adjusting to the darkness." Or, just change 'dark' to 'darkness'.
Oh, I can't wait to find out why Martin was so urgent about getting Maggie (Or would you prefer me calling her Magdeline or Mags?) out of there! I mean, I know it's about that dude with the tattoos, but there's no doubt much more to it. Don't keep me in the dark for too long, Snazzy.
I somewhat agree with KaiRyu when they said that you should give the experiment some more showtime (Would that be the correct term?
Nice work, Snazzy.
- BookWolf
Just saw your reply to KaiRyu.
Really glad the experiment is coming in later.
Yeah, I believe the "closest" it's going to start getting everyone "out of the dark" is the end of chapter 3.
But a lot of everything is explained in chapter 6. 
Anyway, thanks for the review!
Okay SnazzyPencil I have to ask you this, when are you going to add the part about the child on the loose. Honestly, this has nothing to do with the first one!!! I'm just saying that I liked the whole idea of the expiriment getting loose and you've added nothing on that subject! Sorry if this sounds mean, but I really liked that first idea. I have a feeling that if you made the doctor the main character again, or at least added in some chapters where he is the main chacter, this story overall would be a lot better than it is now. I'm deeply sorry if any of this sounds accusing or mean to you I'm just trying to make my point across. I still like the whole dark tunnel and stuff, but frankly, I liked the escaping expiriment better. Hope you consider some of this, LadyRanicorn out!!
Oh, I will, later on in the novel. I promise.
It'll all play out in the end. Everything will fall into place, just as I have planned... MUAHUAHUAHUA.
But yeah, around chapter 6 or 7 (since the chapters are short), the girl makes a kind of "reappearance" in the novel.
YAY!!!
Oh yeah, I've just come out with chapters four and five of my novel, hop you like!!!