"Nice bathroom you've got here son, it really is, nice," Martin commented before pulling up a chair beside me. "I see you've finally got the decency to give the girl some medication." He leaned in closer, grey eyes darting around the kitchen. "Now let's get to business young man. How soon will we get there, and where is the base now?"
"Uh, that information is classified." Ben looked uncomfortable to be talking about it.
"Come on, I'm one of you guys," Martin started to whisper, "the girl doesn't know anything yet." That was it. That did it.
"Alright," I was on the verge of yelling - something I normally never did. "I'm fed up with all your crap, Martin. First, you push me into a tunnel and tell me to stop when I get to a freaking play-place, then I nearly break my arm because of this idiot-" I waved my good arm at Ben. "Now you start talking like I'm not even here, and like all of this is a big secret! Martin, you said you'd explain it all later, but I want to know now. What is going on?"
Okay, I totally yelled that last part, but I didn't care. I didn't need to go through all of this just so Martin could keep his little secret with Ben.
At first nobody made a sound. Martin looked at me like he'd just seen an old man in a speedo, and Ben - I didn't know what Ben was doing. Besides staring at the floor, his face was blank. Then a sniffle. Johnny. I had totally forgotten about Johnny.
I turned to the now teary-eyed six year old. "No, Johnny. No - I didn't mean it. I just-" I stopped, not knowing what to say. All those things I said were true - and even though I could never tell Johnny, we were in deep trouble. For all we knew, our mother was dead - not to mention Liff, and all our other friends.
"I want to go home."
Johnny's words caught me by surprise - yet I didn't know why. Out of all the things he said about my outburst, he said that. He wanted to go home. He wanted to go home. I couldn't agree with him more. After that, the tears started streaming down his face like raindrops. Before I could do anything, Ben spoke up.
"Hey Johnny..."
Johnny rubbed his nose and sniffed. "What?"
Ben's lips tilted into a crooked smile. "You want to come play in my room? I have lots of toys and stuff." Johnny wiped his eyes and nodded. Ben stood up, and taking Johnny's hand, led him to the back hallway, out of sight.
Immediately Martin tried to cover up for his mistake. "Listen Magdeline. You know I would never keep a secret from you unless it would hurt you, right?" He was sweating now, and he took his handkerchief from his pocket and wiped his brow. I remained silent. "Well, this is one of those times. I promise you'll know soon enough, but for now, it's better if you didn't."
I shook my head and put it in my hands. "You know, I just want the old Martin back. The one who let me taste snow cones, and sometimes work in your kitchen. The one without secrets." With that, I left him alone to find Johnny.
It didn't take me long to find both Johnny and Ben. They were louder than a power drill on steroids.
"Requesting permission to land," Johnny said.
"You've got it, Cap'n." Ben's voice sounded almost child-like. "Wait - incoming, on your left! Neeeevvvrrooom!"
"Mayday, mayday! I've been hit, I repeat, I've been hit!" I stepped in to find Johnny on top of a chair, an airplane in hand. Ben was on the ground, holding a walkie-talkie to his mouth.
"Aim for the water, aim for the water," Ben said. Johnny then dove off the chair onto a bed, giggling all the while. Ben laughed, picking a top hat off of a bookshelf. "Now, we do gather to mourn a terrible loss-" I opened the door wider, making it creak. Noticing me, Ben took the hat off, and cleared his throat.
"Right, um- Johnny? You having fun?" Johnny laughed in reply, picking up airplane after airplane.
"You know he makes them? Airplanes, I mean," I told him, leaning against the door frame.
"I don't doubt it for a second," Ben murmured, looking at Johnny in sheer amazement. Clearing his throat again, he straightened up. "Right. We should get some sleep - we have a long journey ahead of us." He turned to Johnny. "Come on, let's get in you in bed."
Johnny happily scrambled off the bed, dropping the airplanes on the floor. He held onto Ben's hand again as he led him back out to the bunkbeds. For some reason, it made my heart scramble. Johnny was my brother. Ben could go get his own.
Martin had already turned the lights off and was snoring loudly in the bottom bunkbed. Ben helped Johnny climb onto the top, and turned to me. "Breakfast will be served at 6:30 in the morning. Best be up by then." Ben was beginning to sound more "soldier-ish" by the minute.
"What's the time right now?"
Ben moved his long black sleeve up, revealing a watch. "About 10:42 p.m." He offered his hand to hoist me up, but I ignored it. Mr. Brother-stealer could help his ownself into bed. I laid down next to Johnny, and pulled the covers up to our chins. I heard Ben walk off back to his own room, and I finally relaxed.
After a few minutes of lying awake, I sighed. Just as I though Johnny was asleep, he spoke. "She's coming back, you know? They said she had to do an important job first."
I looked over at him. "What? Who said that?"
"The people that got mom. She'll come meet us soon." He turned over on his side, and let out a breath.
I looked up at the dark ceiling, puzzled. Who had taken mom? And what did they want with her? Getting over her had actually been fairly easy... We were never really that close anyway. I looked once more at the now sleeping boy. But if I lost Johnny-
I stopped midthought. Johnny was all I had left. With that thought, I closed my eyes and let sleep whisk me away.
End of chapter
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139,447 Literary Works • 672,564 Reviews
Erm....so much for that potential ship...XD
You use "though" when you mean "thought".
"His ownself" would be easier to read as "himself".
I liked how this ended, with the mild cliffhanger.
There are two instances where you should use hyphens. "Six year old" should be "six-year-old", and near the end, "now sleeping" should be "now-sleeping."
I think you've come a long way as a writer since you started this.
hidere.
You had some really nice character development in this chapter, particularly with Ben, so that was really great. I wanted to high-five Maggie when she had her outburst and demanded to be told what the heck is going on because I also want to know what the heck is going on! Part of me wishes she wouldn't have let it go that easy, but that's not a critique or anything, just a frustration with Maggie. People aren't perfect, after all! I'm curious to find out what role Maggie's mum has to play in this too, and I'm beginning to get the feeling that she knew about this stuff beforehand... but I'm not sure, just a theory. She definitely has a role to play other than Maggie's mum anywho, methinks.
One thing I found to be a little inconsistent in this chapter was Maggie's relationship with Johnny. Since day one, it's been suggested that he means the word to her, which further creates this idea that she must be super protective of him. As a result, I found it really strange that she didn't bat an eyelid at the moment Ben took him into another room to play. If that was my little brother, and we were int his crazy-scary situation, I'd be like hell no. I wouldn't let Johnny out of my sight, and it doesn't seem like Maggie would either. This isn't a gigantic critique that ruins the story or anything, but it does make the Maggie-Johnny relationship seem a little inconsistent.
On the subject of Johnny, that kid was way too happy to go to bed. He seemed to be having the time of his life playing with Ben and the aeroplanes, and so when he happily agreed to head to the land of sleep, I raised my eyebrows (not really, I'm a very blank faced human being, but you get the idea). I don't want him to have an epic duel with anyone over it, but I think it would be both sweet and more realistic for him to whine a bit, ask if he can play for five more minutes e.t.c. He probably would be pretty shattered considering he's 6-years-old and it's almost 11pm, but kids never actually admit to being tired. Maybe hint at his tiredness throughout the chapter, and have Maggie fight back any resistance to sleep with some sarcastic comments about him being half asleep as it is. Or something. Just make him seem more like a kid being told to go to bed, y'know?
In regards to Maggie herself, I did find it a little odd that she left it where she did at the end of this extract by not delving deeper into information about her mum. Johnny must have seen something, and it sounds like he interacted with whoever took her, so why isn't Maggie asking more? I know you noted that she was never too close to their mother anyway, but any sane human being would still want to know. I will hold back with this because we do have the second half of the chapter to expand on it, and the opening sentences of chapter 5.1 might literally be this critique... but in case they're not, it's something I think you should consider.
Apologies for not really giving you any meaty critiques here, they're all kind of just nit-picks, but I suppose that's a good thing for you! It shows I couldn't fault a hell of a lot here. I actually only just remembered the prologue of this novel, and I do hope that'll be coming into things soon because you hardly want all your readers to forget about it, and then BAM, this crazy-ass experiment girl bursts onto the scene and your readers are like 'huh?' But anywho, overall a good chapter (or half a chapter). Onto the next!
Keep writing,
xoxo Skins
Thanks for he review!
And yes, Maggie's mom has a... special role in this. 
I never really did think of Johnny and being tired and all that - I'll be sure to add some more stuff in when I edit.
Also, about Maggie and Johnny's relationship - do you think if I made her "more" eager to go find Johnny (like she just realized she left him with a near-stranger) would make it more consistent? I had to add the bit about Martin talking after Ben leaves somehow, and I was a little confused on where exactly to put it.
Spoiler
Thanks so much for all the reviews, Skins! They really mean a lot!
Yeah, little things like remembering kids get tired can really solidify things! Making Maggie more eager would work, methinks. You could maybe make it so that Maggie goes to immediately chase after Johnny and Ben, only for Martin to pull her back for a moment to say what he says.
OMG I KNEW IT, DRAMA ALERT
Spoiler
No worries, I'm glad I can be of use!
Yolo peoples! LadyRanicron here for another amazing review!!!! I really enjoyed how you let another side of the usual calm Magdeline show through, if you don't know what I mean, it's the part where she yelled at that one guy, really liked that part. I don't really have anything to say about this chapter, it's more interesting than it has been, really liked what you did here, but you really need to add something more than just the characters going through the motions... Okay I need to go now, so until next time, LadyRanicron out!!!!!!
Hello, Snazzy!
I think I might be able to write an actual review this time! Surprising, I know. Here are some nitpicks first, though:
I hope I was able to be somewhat helpful. If I wasn't clear in anything I've said above--sometimes I feel like I can't totally put what I'm trying to say into words--please ask about it. Sorry if that's the case; my mind has just been everywhere lately. xD Nice work!
"I told him, leaning against the door frame." By 'him' I assume you mean Ben. I actually had to pause to think about it before I realized that. Since Johnny was mentioned in the previous paragraph before this one, it automatically makes the reader think that that's who she's talking to, but that wouldn't make any sense based on what she said. For clarity's sake, I think you should change the 'him' to 'Ben'.
"About 10:42 p.m." I'm not sure if this is just a nitpick or an actual error, but either way it bothered the heck out of me. xD When you use the word 'about' that usually means that it isn't the exact number but close to it. So, in that case you should say it's 'about 10:45', not give us the exact time. In that case, it would say 'exactly 10:42' or just '10:42'. Unless, of course, you have the number of seconds in mind, then I guess 'about 10:42' would be acceptable. But that's probably just me overthinking it.
Okay, so, nitpicks aside, Maggie's outburst was extremely sudden and a little bit uncalled for. Don't get me wrong, I think that she has every right in the world to be angry and shout, but I think it happened too quickly. Even if you were to move the scene towards the middle of the chapter, it would help a lot, but I'm not sure how you would do that and have the rest of the chapter remain the same. Perhaps you could wait a little bit later into the story to have her explode and get angry. Then, in this chapter, you could just show us how frustrated she is and grow the tension until she finally loses it. Just a suggestion, though. I don't see anything wrong with keeping it the way it is, if only you just make it a little less jarring.
Another thing that I think needs to be tweaked is that you seem to end things too quickly--and this goes for all of your previous chapters too. I feel like you give us a scene, and just as we're beginning to fully grasp what's happened or going on, or even get a good feel of your characters, you just change it, move on to the next thing. Maybe if you were to slow down a bit? I'm not totally certain what's needs to happen here, but I think everything needs to be fleshed out more. Longer sequences of dialog would definitely help with your reader getting to know your characters better, but I feel like there's something else that you could do. Again I really am not sure, but I think this is something you need to think about.
Well, that's all.
- BookWolf