"Hi honey," she called over her shoulder. She continued washing the dishes. "How was school?"
"Good." I snuck a bright red apple off of the kitchen table. "How was work?"
"Oh, I decided not to go today. I was busy watching your little brother," she rinsed off her hands and dried them on a towel. She walked over and laid the towel on the table, then grabbed the apple out of my hand. "And no snacks before dinner."
"You're not going to be able to do that forever. John has to go to school sometime," I reminded her. Students had the option of going to primary from ages 4 to 10, and then had to when they were 11 up until they graduated. It was the weird, yet strictly enforced law of the state.
"I know sweetie, but now is not the time. I don't want him riding the bus yet." I sighed, giving up. If she didn't want to give me a legitimate answer, than that was fine by me. "Do you have any homework?"
"Mom, it's high school. We have homework every day," I said, annoyed.
"Right sweetie, right." She walked over to the oven, and set it for two hours and ten minutes. "I just didn't remember them having that much homework when I was in ninth grade," she opened the oven and stuck a pan full of food inside. I didn't bother reminding her I was in tenth this year.
I shrugged. "Can I go out later before supper?" My mom looked at me from behind the refrigerator door.
"Where to?" she asked slowly, pulling out some raw hamburger meat.
"Soda shop," I said casually, leaning against the table.
"After homework," she said, "and be home before five. You can tell Martin I said hi."
"Thanks," I was nearly to my room by then. The soda shop would be the best place to relax, and I had a couple of extra dollars. Martin, the owner, was a nice middle-aged man who moved here from his home up north. He let Johnny have a free snow cone or something whenever he came with me. Martin was an inventor - with food, that is. He always had a new flavor or recipe ready in his mind, and being a regular customer, I enjoyed taste-testing them for him.
After I had tackled both my Algebra and History, I grabbed my bag. Since it was a Thursday, we didn't have as much homework than we did in the beginning of the week.
As I pulled open the front door, Johnny said, "where you going?" I winced, knowing he'd want to come. Leaning down to his level, I smiled.
"I'm going into town... To the soda shop."
"Take me with you!" With that he wrapped his long wiry arms around my bent leg. Straightening up, I shook him off gently.
"Johnny," I chuckled, pulling the door open again. "We need someone to watch mom while I'm out." I reminded him. "And if you're good, I'll grab you a little treat." Before he could say anything else that might convince me to bring him along, I rushed out of the house, pulling the door shut behind me.
I pulled my jacket around me a little tighter as I took off, feet thudding against the sidewalk. The soda shop wasn't very far away, five minutes driving, about ten walking. There was only one stoplight in Pan, and we didn't even really need that one.
For a normal person, the quarter to half mile or so to town might be tiring - but running came naturally to me. We used to have sports when I was little, but as soon as virtual sports came around, they stopped doing them. There was really no need to compete at a school, when you could compete from your living room.
I rounded the corner, but slowed down abrubtly. Muffled yelps came from the alley to my right. The owner of the yelps, a disgruntled man, lay down on his back. Two men took turns beating him with trash can lids.
Without thinking, I yelled out. "Hey!"
The shorter of of the men turned around. He bore a long silver tattoo over his eye. It quivered as he spoke. "Get along now, girly. We ain't lookin' for no trouble." I ignored him for a minute, looking at the beaten man. He held out a hand, as if I could somehow help him. His eyes were red, and he was bleeding from the corner of his mouth. His lips formed one word: help.
When I refused to move, the other man took a step toward me. That did it. I pulled my phone out of my bag, and raised it up. "I'll call the cops," I threatened, my heart racing. I was an idiot. I was going to die. These men were going to beat me to a pulp.
The short man with the silver tattoo chuckled harshly. "Honey, we is the cops." He flashed a rather real looking ID, and I gulped. "This man is a wanted criminal in 5 other states."
"Oh." The word came out wimpish, and soft. I'm pretty sure my face was blood red by now.
"Now move along now, honey. Before we's start to think there be two criminals here." I nodded grimly, taking one last look at the man. He had closed his eyes, and leaned his head back now, as if he knew there was no hope left...
Running faster than I had before, I made my way to Martin's shop. Once inside, I tried to get my breathing down, my heart racing like never before. Pan never had any real crimes before. But I'm pretty sure I witnessed one of the firsts.
"Magdeline! Come on over here, I've got some new flavors!" I turned around on my heel, and walked towards Martin, my lips in a straight line. Martin immideately sensed something was wrong, and motioned me back to his small kitchen.
"What's the matter, Magdeline?" Martin pulled up a stool, and motioned for me to sit. I took a seat shakily.
"I," I paused, trying to get a hold of myself. It was as if I was still by that alley - trying to catch my breath, trying to help... I still couldn't get that man's eyes out of my head. "There were two men, and they were beating another man up in an alley." Realizing how lame that sounded, I tried again.
"I mean, I was running here, when I heard the man yelling. The two stopped beating him, and the short man looked at me. I think he had a silver tattoo over his eye... They," I struggled, still not even believing myself. "They said that they were the police, but," I shook my head, and Martin seemed to get it. He stroked his short grey beard thoughtfully.
"So it's happening..." He murmured half to himself. My heart stopped.
"What? Martin, what's happening?" He didn't answer me. Instead, he walked briskly to the back of his kitchen. He opened the power box, flipped a couple of switches, and the wall in front of him shook. In a crumble of stone and dust, about three feet of the wall opened up, revealing a narrow black tunnel, with water dripping from the top.
"This is," Martin whispered.
End of chapter
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139,448 Literary Works • 672,565 Reviews
Ack! That cliffhanger!
I only noticed two major grammatical errors in the whole thing,.
1. The word "immediately" is spelled wrong.
2. "Help" should be either italicized or in quotes, and the "h" should be capitalized.
Good luck! Keep writing! I'm rather enjoying this story, and I can't wait to see where you take it.
ohhidere.
It's all very mysterious, isn't it? It's great that you've kick started the action already, and you've managed to do that thing where it isn't too much too soon. Sometimes when a writer tries to kick everything off from the get go it can be a bit sudden, confusing, unsatisfying e.t.c. but you've done a good job of it. I'm oddly intrigued by Maggie's mother, by the way (it's a good thing). I get the feeling that lady has some complexes, what with her refusal to let go of Johnny and set him free to the land of school. When considering this chapter as a whole (as in including the last extract), you've really got something good here. There's a nice build up in the form of the last extract, and then you've got some cool action stuff in this part. Go you!
I'm kind of out of it today (no idea why, I'm just a bit weird like that), so I apologise in advance today if this review is lacking a bit.
Ooooooo drama! This totally removes the lack of hook you had in the last extract because you've sure got one now
Before I get into actual critiques, there is something I have questions about:
Assuming this isn't a new law, surely it would be entirely normal and not at all strange for Maggie? You don't specify how long this has been a thing, though, so one shall not dwell!
Anywho, my first critique (though it's more like me having a whine) is that I kinda want to know Martin a little before he starts dramatically opening tunnels in his shop. I don't need his life story or anything, but before we even get a small grasp of who this dude is he's creating an enormous revelation. Something you could potentially do is in the last extract, as the girls are walking home from school, have them walk past is shop and stop for a brief while for a chat. He can say how he's got something new for her to try or something, but Maggie wants to drop her stuff home first and yada yada yada (not literally that, but something similar maybe). If not, even just having him and Maggie chat for a bit before she reveals what she saw (though that may be difficult because she can hardly casually chat after seeing that). It's just that for me personally, I'd rather get to know Martin, even a teeny bit, before all this dramatic stuff happens.
On a similar sort of subject, why is Martin revealing this to a random young girl? Obviously we've no idea what lies in the tunnel so I don't know what 'this' is, but I get the feeling it'll be something super serious and secretive. I understand that maybe Martin is fond of Maggie (and vice versa), but to reveal something seemingly so massive strikes me as a bit odd. I mean, even if we ignore the secretive, massiveness aspect of it, I kind of assume Maggie knowing about whatever it is puts her in some form of danger. If that is the case, why would Martin so willingly put her in that danger? I don't know, I guess partly because we don't know where the tunnel leads, it just seems kind of strange to me that Martin would do this so freely. I don't know the guy well in fairness (shout out to the previous critique), but even if he's super trusting and sees Maggie as, like, god in young female form, it just seems kinda odd.
I think you could do with some more descriptions and general scene setting, which unless I'm going insane I mentioned in my last critique, right? *Goes to check* Okay, yeah, I still stand by that. Because I did mention it in my last review I'm not going to drone on about it all over again, plus I d think you have a slight improvement here. It just needs even more!
Anywho, that's all I have for you. As always, hit me up if you've got any questions or comments regarding this review, and I shall get back to you ASAP!
Keep writing,
xoxo Skins
That makes sense - I'll try and add a little more about Martin before-hand. About Martin showing it to Maggie... Er, let's just say it'll be explained in the chapters to come. Kind of. I don't know - still editing it.
Anyway, thanks for the review!
Wait--WHAT IS? WHAT is happening? THAT DIDN'T TELL ME ANYTHING! Why, Snazzy? Why? ;_;
The story is really picking up already. So far I'm very much enjoying this world that you have created. It's fresh and intriguing, one that I can't wait to find out more about. Here's the only mistake I noticed:
). That action scored a lot of points with me because it shows that she's both bold and willing to help others.
Can't wait for the next parts--that cliffhanger though!
Haha, anyway, I really enjoyed this.
"Johnny said, "where you going?"" You just forgot to capitalize the 'w'.
Okay, so, as I said in the prologue, I feel like there should be more description. I know, sometimes writing it can be super boring, but it really improves your story and gives it more life. If you want, you can always just add it in after you've written down everything you want to happen in that chapter, just so you don't have to force yourself to slow down and stop the story just to write a description about something. That's just what I would do, but whatever you want.
I agree with Jumpyspot when they said that Maggie seems a little bit mean and immature. She was a little cold when speaking with her mother, but it wasn't near as bad as it could have been. If that's how you want her that's fine, I'm sure most people can look past it if she has some other appealing traits. For example, she did stop when she saw that man being beaten up and threatened to call the cops (even though those guys WERE the cops
Well, I guess that's all for now. A short review, but I really can't find anything else to critique.
- BookWolf :3
Thanks for the review!
Anyway, I'll try to look into it and change some of the things.
I felt like the police scene was kind of blurred and quick while I was writing it, but it was just one of those moments where I had to get everything out onto a page before I forgot it.
Also, can I just mention Maggie gets on my nerves too?I'm still in the process of "creating" her - but if I do keep the way she acts, it will be for a good reason, I promise.Anyway, thanks again for the review!
Not that I dont love your writing, BUT WHY DO YOU LEAVE SO MUCH SUSPENSE??:) Its killing me here! Okay, on the less crazy side, I really love your type of writing and there's not much to say besides what I put on the the first. AWESOME!!!!!:P I love the ideas with the fake cops and stuff, so that be cool. Keep being cool with tripple swag SnazzyPencil. LadyRanicorn out!!:)