Blotted Out: Prologue

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(A/N: This is based on a dream I once had. >.< Also, as the story progresses (if I chose to continue it) I'll need help with a name.)


Dr. Ralphezon walked swiftly through the blank white hallways. The test subject, P-3045, was acting strangely, or so he had been told. "P-3045? What a rubbish name. Why couldn't we name her Ellen," the doctor thought aloud. He had always liked the name Ellen - and if he ever had a child, that's what he would name her. Dr. R. rounded the corner, and scanned his retina.

"Subject, identified. Welcome, Doctor Ralphezon." The doctor knew he that the computer had a mind of its own. Well, it wasn't really a computer. More of a bunch of computers and technological sciencey mumbo you wouldn't understand. Most people didn't understand science or technology. Doctor Ralphezon wasn't even sure if he did himself. But that's what tests were for.

He walked past countless labs, each with their own test subjects. Most of them, were plants, though there was the occasional rat. The doctor feared animal cruelty when it came to testing, so he had resorted to mostly plants on the testing, but also rats. No one likes rats anyway.

At last he came upon the door. He scanned his hand, placing it on the metal plate implanted into the wall. The door swished open with a mighty gusto, and Doctor Ralphezon made no hesitation as he strolled in.

"What's her status, Evermore?" Dr. R. picked up some of the lab notes. Ms. Evermore was a quiet and panicky young lady, who acted as an assistant to Dr. Raplhezon. But, she was very knowledgeable on the subject of study that Dr. R. was in, so he had gladly chosen her, despite her somewhat horrible personality.

"Heartbeat is normal, temperature, fine." Ms. Evermore wiped her slick palms on her long lab coat. "It's just, her brain waves."

"What about them," he muttered looking from the notes to the dome. He strode over, and Ms. Evermore followed, her heels clicking against the ground nervously.

"That's just it, sh-she doesn't seem to have any." She stuttered over the last part, not believing it hersef. The doctor uttered a barely audible laugh.

"Evermore, if that were true then she would be dead."

Ms. Evermore peered into the dome at the girl, who was now sitting down, hugging her knees to her chest. She began to rock violently, side to side. "I know Dr. Ralphezon - but she doesn't seem to have any, yet she is still living," she motioned to the test subject, who was now crossed legged in the center of the dome.

"Any other reactions to the injection," he asked, still only half-believing her.

"No, none. I notified you as soon as I noticed her brain waves," she folded her arms across her chest. "Rather, not noticed them, that is."

Upon seeing the screens for the test subject, Dr. R realized she was right. Ell-, er, P-3045 was totally normal besides having no brain activity whatsoever. Ms. Evermore spoke up.

"We should probably," she motioned to the girl, "you know, give her the antidote. Extract the injection."

Dr. Ralphezon glared at her. "And ruin the entire operation? No. This is just another obstacle we must overcome," with that he walked briskly to the closet, and opened it. Inside were large yellow suits, complete with a clear glass helmet, and powerful UV protective sunglasses.

"You're not going in there," Ms. Evermore asked shakily, "are you?"

The Doctor stepped into the suit. "Oh, I'll be fine. The injection isn't supposed to be contagious, and even if it is, what's the worse I can get? No hunger?" He chuckled to himself. The injection given to the test subject was supposed to solve world hunger; all you needed was one shot, and you were no longer hungry. Ever. It involved a little pouch-like organ that implanted itself in your body to store, and renew energy. Almost like photosynthesis with plants, except with the injection, you don't need the sunlight.

Before his assistant could say anything else, he stepped inside the cool white room. It had been a one-way mirror, so all he could see around him were tall, white, spherical walls. The girl had since gotten up, and was staring at him. Her long black hair made her pale skin appear paper-like in the lighting. He had already slipped on the glasses, but he could see clearly with them on. New technology, the advanced stuff, was always ready at his fingertips.

Carefully, he stepped closer to her. She made no sudden movements, and she seemed as alive and human as she had been when they first injected the serum into her. Her blue eyes opened wider, and her mouth formed a small 'o' shape.

The Doctor held up a yellow covered hand. "Subject P-3045? Can you hear me? Can you understand?" He stopped after that, giving her time to respond. She seemed transfixed at something, and almost, distracted.

"I - can." Her voice was almost static as she replied. "Weird - things - happening." P-3045 pulled her hands up to her face. Dr. Ralphezon strode over, and pulled her hands back down to the girl's sides. He did feel a little bad for ignoring her, but he needed to see if there was something he was missing... Something everyone was missing.

Dr. Ralphezon opened her mouth, checking her teeth and gums. Perfectly normal, a bit yellow, but other than that fine. P-3045 had actually volunteered to be tested. Weird, but understandable. She probably had some long backstory of her relatives dying from hunger or something... Plus it payed you or your family money. A lot of money. Yet she still was human, and so was the doctor. He sighed, and stroked her long black hair caringly.

Her records showed that she was 16 years old, and she had been an orphan ever since the age of 10. Perhaps this is why the Doctor felt so much love for the girl... Perhaps...

"Doctor-" she spoke again, her voice cutting in and out, "it's - working. I'm - not - hungry," she struggled with the words, once again pulling her hands to her face.

Doctor Ralphezon cleared his throat. "Yes dear, I know. How are you feeling?"

"Tired. Kind - of - sick. Like - I - can't - get - words - out." She swayed on her feet, and blinked rapidly, the blue in her eyes swirling. They were entrancing to watch, mesmerizing even. Something is missing, the doctor thought, and peered closer. He caught himself before gasping when he noticed the difference. The girl had no pupils, and if she did, they were minuscule. Not a second later, they reappeared, dilating in a camera-like fashion.

P-3045 gasped suddenly, and trembled to the ground, grasping the doctors legs as she slid down. "I -- Can't!" She thrashed on the ground, kicking upward, as if fighting her own body. Struggling not to panic, Dr. Ralphezon knelt down. Her eyes were know dilating again, and staring straight ahead as her body thrashed.

Once again, he asked the question, "P-3045, can you hear me? Can you understand?" The only reply he got was a shrill, half-human, half robotic shriek. Her voice was still static, as if coming from a radio. She lunged for the doctor's suit, grasping the zipper.

"Help - I - Can't - Control," she reached inside snatching at his lab coat. The doctor's eyes opened wide, and he ran for the wall. The girl slammed against the dome, and once again slumped to the floor. Her eyes were now completely dilated, looking more mechanical than human.

Before P-3045 could get back up, the door to the dome burst open. More men in suits charged in, pinning the test subject to the floor. She wasn't talking anymore, and now actually was totally calm, almost resting, even.

One by one, the men with the yellow suits let go, and collapsed on the ground beside her. "What are you doing," the doctor yelled "close the door and get P-3045 on a table!" None of them listened, and P-3045 stood up slowly, brushing off her clothes. She looked at the floor while walking towards him. There was nothing he could do but cower now, and hope for a miracle. The door was too far away for him to run now. Whatever P-3045 was doing, it was making the men in the yellow suits stop attacking her, and, either faint or... The Doctor figured he didn't want to think about the other option.

The doctor felt at his tool belt for something, anything. Before he knew it, the girl had grabbed his chin, and stared straight at him. Her eyes clicked, not blinking, but clicking, as if she were taking a picture. Doctor Ralphezon felt his body go weak, and he knew what he had to do. The Doctor shut his eyes tightly, still feeling the girl's soft warm hand on his skin.

Now that he had resorted to hearing and touch only, he could sense a slight ticking sound. It was very quiet, but it was there. Finally the clicking sound faded away, and so did the girl's hand. Daringly, he opened his eyes. The girl had left, the only clue of her ever being there was the wide open door. Zipping up his suit the rest of the way, the Doctor rushed to the men. They were probably back-up, sent in by Ms. Evermore. He unzipped one of the men's suits, and felt at his wrist, shutting his eyes. The pulse was there, steady and strong. But his skin was hard, and so, cold. He opened his eyes and swiveled the man's wrist around.

Metal. His skin was a faint tin color, and hollow. It hadn't reached his face, but his neck was slowly turning the soft grey color. Jumping up, the Doctor rushed out of the dome. "Ms. Evermore?" He ran around the examination room, where papers had been strewn across the floor.

There. One of her heels was lying sideways on the floor. He ran around the corner, and there she was. Ms. Evermore, as cold and tin as ever.

The Doctor's breaths quickened as the alarm sounded. The test had gone wrong... Horribly wrong, and for all he knew-

It was running around loose in the streets.

Comments & reviews · 6
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User avatar
BeTheChange
Comment

Again, you overuse commas. However, it's better/easier to read than any of your previous works! I like the plot--it's very original, while still holding fast to certain well-loved tropes and conventions of the science fiction genre.
I'm legitimately excited to read more of this!
Good luck. :)

Thanks! :D

I'll be sure to tag you when the next part is up. ;)

User avatar
KaiRyu
Review
KaiRyu wrote a review · Mon Feb 01, 2016 8:44 pm

Okay, now that I've posted a comment I'm going to post a review!! This book is still amazingly awsome, even more so when I read it twice. Some questions, what in the world went wrong was the serium taking over her body, or was it like something else? What happened with the men, did the subject disable them or something? Was she resisting the serium if it was trying to cotrol her, and is that the reason why she was having trouble with speaking. Also what was with the clicking noise? I'm sorry if I'm asking too many questions. Not all of these have to be answered because I like the feel of wondering what it means. Anyway LadyRanicorn out!!!;)

No, the questions will totally help me when I get to the later chapters - after a while, they will all be answered (and I need to know which ones to answer, so thanks! :D )
Anyway, Thanks for he review!

Happy to help...;)

User avatar
KaiRyu
Comment

THIS IS AMAZING!!!!!! I love love love books like this! You definatly should continue it. If you want help with a name, you should call it Never Again.

I do like that name - I'll probably make a list of the names and pick from them. I'll definitely add your suggestion to my list! :D

(If you want to be tagged for more chapters, just let me know. ;) )

User avatar
Sins
Review
Sins wrote a review · Sun Jan 31, 2016 9:10 pm

Wassssuup.

I came across this lurking in the green room, so being the good-hearted citizen that I am, I figured I'd come and pull it out of there for you.

Oooooo so this is super cool. I'm very hot and cold with sci-fi (or general Sciencey stuff because I'm as dumb as a plank of wood), but this I found extremely enticing. But no, in all seriousness, you have such an interesting idea here. The runaway experiment gone wrong isn't the most original idea (enter every Jurassic Park movie in existence), but you've got your own unique twist on this, which eclipses that completely. I was very fond of the doctor's character too because he was pretty funny, and it added an edge of jokiness (let's pretend that's a word) to everything. In terms of style and pace and grammar and all that nonsense, you're good too. I don't really critique that side of stuff unless specifically asked/it's distracting from the story, and you had no problems there whatsoever. Thoroughly impressed overall, I must say. You keep rockin' on.

Okay so this is really dumb and minor and stupid, but I have consistency complexes, and so the first nit-pick I want to throw at you is the scanners the doctor used to enter the site of this crazy-ass girl. One was an eye scanner while the other was a palm reader. Why weren't they both one system? Plus surely one would do the trick, and there's no need for two? I mean you can't, like, fake an eye. It ramps up the safety, yeeeeeee but ehhhhhhh. I don't know, just a random thought. I'm useless, I know, I'm sorry.

Anywho, onto actual critiques. One of the main things that stood out to me here was the existence of this experiment in the first place. This girl is mean to be 16, right? While I understand this in the sense that you want to keep such an important (main character?) young and fresh and hip and down with the kids, to receive permission to perform this extreme of an experiment on a 16-year-old girl is unheard of (I've had the Psychology code of ethics rammed down my throat for, like, 3 years). She wouldn't be classified as an adult, and so to gain permission to do this would be near impossible. To gain approval to perform such an experiment on an adult would require someone to threaten someone else's elderly mother or something, to be honest, so at the moment I am finding this a little unrealistic. If she was 18 I'd probably be chill because hey, I don't know what world this is set in, and it could be a pretty backwards place, but at the age she is now I am struggling a little.

On a similar kind of note, the doctor noted how he struggled with animal ethics in his experiments and generally experimented on plants. He even felt guilty sometimes at experimenting on rats. Yet he's totally chill about experimenting on a 16-year-old girl, like, is he ok. What I'm trying to say here is that I'm a little confused by this aspect of his character. Maybe I'm missing something due to my 2 second attention span (up to the age of 18 I used to think it was attention spam, no joke) but one moment he seems to be discussing his struggle with ethics, and the next he's injecting minors with who knows what. It's a little... confusing. Like I said, I may have simply missed something, but I would consider looking over that a little if it's not the case.

I think that's it... Hm... I can't really think of anything else at the moment, anyway. Oh! Actually one more thing (as you can tell, I write super structured, well-organised reviews), at the end the doctor referred to the girl as it but referred to her as her every time before that. I found that a little odd. I realise she did her little party trick and went absolutely mental, so she did kind of change, but for him to suddenly start referring to her differently seemed a bit off.

Anyway, I am actually done now, I apologise for the rambling. I kind of feel like this review was horrendously rambly and of no help, and if that is the case then I am so sorry. I'm not sure if you've decided to continue this or not, but I 100% think you should because it's a unique idea that could go so many places. You've immediately made me want to read more, and despite some issues with confusion and inconsistency, it's a pretty great opening to a story. If you have any comments or questions regarding this review, please don't hesitate to give me a nudge (particularly if I've made no sense and you ned some clarification, which is 100% possible).

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins

I totally understand what you mean about the doctor being okay about using the girl as a test subject - I just didn't know how else to put it... I will have him appear again later in the story, and I'll try and explain things better there.
I never did really think about the girl's age, but now that you mention it, injecting stuff into a 16 year old does sound odd, and kind of creepy. :D I'll be sure to fix that when I get the chance. :)

Thanks for the review, Skins!

(I'll be posting the first chapter soon - I'm going to make a "list" of reviewers for this novel... If you want, I'll add you to it. If not - that's totally fine. ;) :D )

Thanks again for the review!

No worries, I'm glad I could be of help :3 I got your tag for the first chapter, and I shall definitely check it out soon :D

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BookWolf
Review

You dreamt this?!!! :O I would have been scared senseless.... Was it a nightmare or were you fascinated by it? I can only imagine how I would have felt.

Anyway, this was awesome, Snazzy. :D I feel like this writing style is a little bit different than your usual one. I think I like it better actually. It works really well for this type of story. Here are some small things I noticed:


"Dr. R. rounded the corner, and scanned his retina." My nitpicking problem tells me there shouldn't be a comma here. :D

"technological sciencey mumbo you wouldn't understand." This seems off compared to the rest of the story. This is something someone would say if you were verbally telling them a story. I think changing it would be best.

"Most of them, were plants," There shouldn't be a comma between 'them' and 'were'.

"so he had resorted to mostly plants on the testing, but also rats." The 'but also rats' part seems out of place and doesn't flow well with the rest of the sentence. Perhaps you could end the sentence after 'testing' and start a new one like this, "Rats, however, he was fine with; no one liked rats." That sounds better to me, but it's your story. :)

"not believing it hersef" Spelling error.

"This is just another obstacle we must overcome," with that he walked briskly to the closet," The 'w' in 'with' should be capitalized and there should be a period after 'overcome'.


Okay, now this was really good, but I think you should add a little bit more description. After reading the prologue, I felt like I had just barely grasped what everything looked like. A good thing to remember is that there are more ways to describe than just by sight. There is also touch, taste, smell, and hearing. You'd be surprising how far describing what a room or area smells like can get you.

I'm really intrigued by this test subject P-3045 and what is wrong with her. Again, I think that you could reveal to us slightly more about what she looks like, especially her eyes--that really stood out to me for some reason. :D Though I normally stay away from sci-fi stuff, I found that I really enjoyed this particular plot. Perhaps it's just aliens and junk that I find to be such a bore. :P Anyway, I'd love to read the rest if you decide to continue, so make sure to announce it.

Great work, Snazzy! :D

- BookWolf

Thank you for the review, BookWolf! :D

(I did have a dream about P-3045, um - well... If I say too much, it'll probably spoil some later chapters. But yes, I did have a dream about that particular character, er, doing the "things" in this prologue.)

Thanks again for the review! :D

Ah, I see. :D

You're welcome. ;)



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