This is the original... topic68408.html Which one is better??
Midnight wonders
deep within a dream.
Fading in, fading out,
but always nestled against a dream.
Dreams of peace.
Of first loves bliss,
softly spoken whispers,
and love poems read aloud
Dreams of love
sang like a beautiful song,
playing over and over,
a never ending melody in my head.
Dreams of visions
painted in shades of blue
A misty beach
and a full moon.
A midnight walk
and a stolen kiss.
Dreams of a happy time.
Of warm embraces,
and beautiful blue eyes
that seem to stare
right into my soul.
Dreams that fade in,
and fade out,
always happy,
deep within
a peaceful dream.
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139,636 Literary Works • 672,636 Reviews
Cheers!
Read it on one breathe, following the rhythm. I'd have to admit I honestly like this version much more. I had no trouble following the rhythm and imagining along, a well done piece. I came across some places where I thought there could be a change, so I'd like to show below.
~
Dreams of peace,
Of first loves bliss;
Softly spoken whispers
And love poems read aloud.
Dreams of love
sang like a beautiful song,
playing over and over;
a never ending melody in my head.
Dreams of visions
painted in shades of blue.
A misty beach
and a full moon.
A midnight walk
and a stolen kiss.
Dreams of happy times, (Don't mind me, 'a happy time' seemed kind of wrong to me)
Of warm embraces,
and beautiful blue eyes
that seem to stare
right into my soul.
It's just my thoughts and don't take them seriously If they are offensive for you. Like I said, a nice work, keep it coming =)
Kyou
I like this version better, and the stanzas are divided well, too.
I really like these two stanzas, especially the "seem to stare right into my soul" part. The only thing in this whole poem I would change is sometimes there are commas in places you don't really need them. After "eyes" and after "within", I think the line breaks supply the pauses you need so I wouldn't put commas there.
Good job, I really liked this!
That was very beautiful.
It's gives me the impression of colors swirling around, which is cool.
It's a very strong poem
Nice work
~Kit