There’s a cute little girl
in a light blue tee,
full of bright smiles,
looks as happy as can be.
But look a little closer,
deep within her eyes,
what do you see there,
beneath all the lies?
Her mommy loved her dearly
but loved the bottles more,
so she left her only child,
just walked out the door.
She’s Daddy's little girl,
the title comes with a price,
his dirty little habits,
the nghtmare of her life.
She doesn’t want to sleep,
because he comes to her at night,
professing his perverse type of love,
she sits through it all, no will to fight.
She'll set herself free,
with the stroke of a blade,
she's staring at death,
but she's not even afraid.
Now she's a cold little body,
beneath eight feet of dirt,
forever laid to rest,
in her light blue shirt.
~Rain
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140,576 Literary Works • 673,521 Reviews
Hey,
Thanks for asking for a request. This was beautifully written. It touches your soul. You are an amazing poet.
Just one mistake:
You misspelled nightmare.
If you have any more request feel free to ask.
Have a great day,
Tiffany
Amazing. i loved the rhyme scheme. Sad poem but great depth in emotion. Great poem.
Whew. That is grim.
Okay, first of all, you need to not worry so much about rhyme. It's fine that your poem rhymes, but you CANNOT sacrifice meaning for the sake of a rhyme! Here's a place where you did that:
"She’s Daddy's little girl,
the title comes with a price,
his dirty little habits,
causes her to slice."
"Causes her to slice" first of all reads awkwardly and second of all makes no sense. I mean, what the heck does that mean???
Second: I actually do not think you need an extra verse. Reading through this as is, I think the penultimate verse leads into the last verse just fine. One virtue of a good writer is knowing what not to write. It's a hard skill to learn - we want to write more, more, more, spell everything out for the reader, etc, and no doubt you wanted a verse in which she actually stabs herself (how old is she supposed to be, by the way? I don't think a child so young would really think of suicide...then again, the world is changing in a bad way, so maybe she would, nowadays), but it isn't necessary. We understand that she kills herself between the second-to-last and last verses.
I love the last verse, it's so beautiful and sad. Although, you don't need "small" AND "little." It's redundant. I understand you need three syllables there to keep the rhythm going, but it's a little silly to use those two words together.
Anyway, I hope this helped somewhat.
~Blue