Okay, so, I just wrote this, it is 12:07, I wrote it in about 7-8-9 minutes, and I didn't edit it at all... So please, tell me what you think!
I ran up the stairs
to get to the bottom
where I found a door
that lead to nothing
I walked through the passageway
and came out
into a beautiful spring day
I laid on the grass
and looked up at the stars
There were fire-breathing dragonflies
Jousting just above my head
And there were fire ants
collecting ice cubes
to build their queen a castle
made of sand, like at the beach
were the waves crashed smoothly
and the pelicans were vegetarians
that would swoop into the ocean
to swim with the mermaids
that played hide-and-seek
in the rocks that made a pathway
to the lighthouse on the cliff
that housed a ghost
that never died
who loves the winter breeze
that melts the ice cube palace
the ants worked on so hard
while the dragonflies were jousting
under the stars
on the beautiful spring day
that I walked into
from the door that lead to nothing
at the bottom of the stairs
I had to run up to get to.
[center]Well, there you go! That is what my sleep debrived mind came up with at 12:00 at night.
Heya! I'm pressed for time, so I'm gonna skip the nitpicks. I didn't really have any that hadn't been pointed out.
So, I quite enjoyed this. I love cute, confusing poems like this. I enjoyed your imagery. I could really get a picture of a little fantasy world. I though you had some clever ideas.
I'll be honest, I didn't really like the setup you used for it. I find that longer lines tend to flow better,and would make this sound more dreamlike. I suggest smooshing some together.
I didn't like the last part where you repeated that you had gone up some stairs and through the door and stuff. I don't think you need it. I'd just leave it at "on the beautiful spring day".
However, the line, "beautiful spring day", isn't very poetic. I'd prefer if you showed us how the day was beautiful, rather than just told us. You can make the description as dream-like as you want.
Also, I didn't like the "dragonflies are jousting" line. You joust with spears on horses, and so I automatically got a whole sword fight-esque scene in my head. Dragonflies also usually stay away from each other unless they're... you know. That.
ANYWAY. I'd also fix or get rid of the "that never died" line. It's just out of place. Of course the ghost never died... its a ghost. Or, if your implying that it's a dead body or a person who's just a shadow of who they used to be... it gives the whole poem a macabre touch that seems out of place.
So, Overall, this will be good with work. Keep writing!
-Tori
There isn't much to correct other than everything mentioned above, good job. The poem was interesting and creative.
TIGERSPRITE
Hi SilentRain!
I really liked this piece! It totally matched the title "Divine Chaos". I really love the imaginative visuals in this, I love the picture of dragonflies jousting, and mermaids playing hide-and-seek, and the confusing, but interesting one of "under the stars on a beautiful spring day".
Just a little nit-pick, be careful with your "wheres/'s". In some places you've said "were" instead of "where".
But I still loved this poem. It was so imaginative and creative. I love the word "imagine" and everything it stands for and I think you've captured it beautifully. Well done and my best wishes for future writing!
RedLeaf
Hey again, SilentRain.
I'm here to review as requested! I'm really sorry I've gotten to you kind of late. I was suddenly taken away fro the weekend without any internet connection whatsoever. That's my parents for you.
Overall
I actually really liked this. I loved the simplicity of it and the idea of it as a whole. By the end, I'm assuming that you wanted to give it the feeling of one long sentence. Even if it wasn't intentional, I really like it, so definitely don't get rid of it. I am assuming that you purposely did it though. When it comes to your descriptions, I think that some of them were really good and added great effect to the poem as a whole. That one little description about the vegetarian pelican is a bit dodgy though because I'm not sure why it would be swooping into the ocean if it is in fact a vegetarian. The only reason it would be doing that is to find fish to eat, therefore, not a vegetarian. Plus, I thought that pelicans hunted for fish in lakes and ponds, not oceans? I'll shut up about the pelicans now...
My main critique for this is actually about the content itself. What I'm basically going to critique you about are the first four lines, and the last four lines. Here's a quotation to point out where I'm finding a rather big flaw in this poem as a whole.
These are the lines where I'm finding the issue.It's not that what you wrote is bad, but the fact that it technically doesn't actually make sense. You begin by saying that you're walking into a door that leads to nothing, yet it clearly doesn't lead to nothing because you go into a full length description of a pile of exotic things. I have a feeling that I might just be being a bit dumb and missing something. Is this some kind of giant irony poem or something...? I don't know. If it is something like that, it would help for you to make that more obvious for people like me who wouldn't even notice a kangaroo in my room. I'm not sure how to explain this, to be honest. Do you understand what I mean though? It doesn't technically make sense when you say that there's nothing behind the door, yet there are loads and loads of things behind that one door.
Sorry this review is kind of short... Other than what I've just said, there isn't really anything else I want to mention. All that you need to do is to take into account what us reviewers have and will say. Then, you just need to edit a few things up. I seriously think that you could end up with a really neat poem here!
Keep writing,
xoxo Skins
Howdy!
Just one little edit I saw.
Otherwise I really liked it, the first four lines or so especially!
I actually loved this piece- except for the last line. It made all the rest seem ingenuine. It destroyed the gorgeous imagery and fantastical pictures. I would omit it entirely. Otherwise, I think this was great. It took me a second to get into, but once I did, I ate it up. I'm starting to realize that my best work is when I'm not thinking about it at all, and just let it pour out, unedited and all.
Great job. c:
-Coral-
Hey! Okay, let's start.
You forgot Mister 'h' so I added him in there for youYou can't lie 'in' the grass (unless you want to sink right in!) The word should be 'on'
To be quite honest, I don't know what to think of this last line. Soometimes, it seems to be "just there" for no particular reason, while other times it seems just perfect. I guess, I'm just double-minded about this last one.
This was such a unique piece, I instantly fell in love with it. I can see what midnight does to your mind
Keep it up