Who are you?
Who am I?
All around me
there is writing
writing on the walls
walls that I see
day in and day out
all around me
there is writing
writing on my walls
Why am I here?
Why am I alive?
All around me
there are thoughts
written on my walls
unfinished poems
left to be forgotten
in the mess
of bolded black letters
Should I live?
Or Should I die?
All around me
there are questions
written on the mirror
Who is this girl?
This can’t be me!
Written on the door
Doorway to nowhere
To no one and nothing but sorrow
Written on the lamp
Bright light
illuminate the night
Written on the clock
Tick, Tick, Tick
my life is being ticked away
Everywhere
Everywhere are words
Every where is madness
Madness
spelled out
in bold black letters
Written all around me
all around
are words
writing out the madness
that does on in my head
Hide it all
Its easier to lie
fake a smile
never cry
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,011 Literary Works • 672,841 Reviews
Hi! I think this is the second piece of yours I'm at >.>
First I'll start by being honest and found this vaguely amusing.
Here you repeat certain words, in sequence. It could work if you were a little more careful with it, but in this case it doesn't hold any benefit towards your poem. When repeating writing, does the meaning change? Does it somehow make it more important? No.
Plus that kind of repetition is very hacky. You don't say there is writingwriting on my walls. No you have to pause, it's a forceful pause our brain makes us take, because it's trying to find a difference between the repetition. Once it realizes that, we can move on. So it ends up being something like:
there is writing (1 - 2 - 3 -) writing on my walls
That kind of stop and go motion just makes me dizzy. Then you do that through your entire poem, specifically near the end where you only have one or two lines. You make a statement, move on. Every line we're forced to pause because your changing ideas, concepts. Our brains have to absorb that, which forces us to hesitate on your words. You want this to flow like a train of thought yes?
Also, commas and periods woman! I mentioned this on your last poem. Place the proper punctuation where it's most natural to take a breath in a poem so that it doesn't interrupt the flow. In the case of this poem, you may as well have put a period at the end of every line. (Please don't) So apply this to future poems.
All the best,
Kamas
Hey there!
I'd agree with the others that this is original, but I've read your other poem, so I'mjust going to say it's clear that you have your own style, which is good! Though the whole thing is too vague in terms of effect. It just sounds like you're grouping things under headings and that just doesn't do anything for me, unfortunately. The way you've bold formatted it is good, but in the middle area where there's the couplet of bold lines, I think it's a bit poorly structured because the bold has lost effect and merely feels over-used. I also don't know why you've selected those lines to be in bold, it just comes across as though if it were read aloud it would be shouted. Poetry, I feel, isn't meant to be shouted. There's too much of a variance in tone and I'm not sure it does you any favours. Though, I think you have a good base of ideas here so that's definitely a gooden, you just need to get more poetic with it.
I hope this helps,
Ben.
P.S: I second x3CoFx3's changes
Hullo.
Okay, so, this was certainly interesting and somewhat original. But what I think this poem is lacking is substance. The writing on the walls is just a metaphor for the questions that the persona is asking, but that's pretty much all that is described - we see questions, but there's no real persona because there are no reactions to those questions, and so we can't gain an insight into who we are with. If you understand.
In other words, this is too abstract. Lovely extended metaphor, but it's not written in a way that a) the reader can connect with (in the way that I have explained) or b) comes across as interesting and enjoyable (lack of tone, and fundamental techniques such as alliteration, assonance etc which would be great here to reflect the persona's mind).
I believe that would really help this poem. But a great idea that you have here - stick with it!
-Mark
Great work! Using bold lettering to present your questions and answer them in normal text is quite innovative and original.
I tip my hat to the way you present your work and congratulate you on your poetry itself!
Another great piece keep writing!
-Dawn
Hello!
A few things I want to tell you about the poem is, I love how you bold the words I sort of get a good description of what you are saying. But these are the things I see daily when I read others poems and stories. They do not go through the writers check list which consists of these things:
1. What’s your purpose? (You have the purpose in this poem which I can plainly see.)
2. What’s your point? (I don't really see anything that would propose as 'going off topic' at all.)
3. How’s your structure? (I suppose this was okayish.)
4. How’s your word choice? (The words you used are really vast. They are just small words used in everyday life.)
5. How’s your style? (You have a good one; when I say style I mean if the stanzas the same length.)
6. How’s your tone? (I can sort of fell your confusion, but it needs a little more spark to it.)
7. How’s your proofreading? (As far as I can tell, you just wrote it skimmed over it and did nothing to the punctuation.)
This poem has the makings of something good, just try to write it a bit, or add the commas and periods where they are needed. Here is a link to a website that may help you a bit http://cbapp.csudh.edu/depts/adjunct/mm ... klist.html Good luck and keep writing.
M.H. Darling
I really liked this poem, and your structure was interesting.
But there are some mistakes that should be fixed.
I hope I helped. I think this was really good, hope to see more from you.