A Caress of the Storm

by SilentRain

Published February 8, 2011

In Poem written after joining YWS

So i just wrote this and did very little editing...

Rain drops fall outside my open window
their pitter patter a lovely song
I love the rain as it soaks the ground
leaving puddles for children to play in
I love the rain as it drips from the trees
giving life to all that it touches
I love the rain as it slides off my skin
a gentle hand leaving tingling trails along my spine

The wind howls outside my open window
its sweet whistle a soft lullaby to my ears
I love the wind as it fights the trees
freeing the last of the fall leaves from bondage
I love the wind as it blows fierce or softly
Dangerous as an enraged fist or soft as a whispered secret
I love the wind as it swirls around me
an eager lovers hand entangled in my hair

The storm rages outside my open window
the wind and rain all that upsets the still silence
I love the storm as it calms the world
for a moment all is still, all is quiet, all is calm
I love the storm as it is like no other
frightening yet soothing; simple yet miraculous
I love the storm of it is within me
a burning passion that will never fade away

Comments & reviews · 3
writerwithacause wrote a review Review · Feb 11, 2011

Your poem is nice and you have some good figures of sppech. Here are a few corrections I've made:


Rain drops are falling outside my open window - I believe it should be Present Continuous, but it depends on the sense you want to give
their pitter patter -- a lovely song. - I love this line! :)
I love the rain as it soaks the ground,
leaving puddles for children to play in.
I love the rain as it drips from the trees,
giving life to all that it touches.
I love the rain as it slides off my skin,
a gentle hand leaving tingling trails along my spine. - you could also use another word for "love" (in "I love the rain") it gets a little too repetitive, but it is alright if you meant to emphasise this.

The wind howls outside my open window --
its sweet whistle a soft lullaby to my ears.
I love the wind as it fights the trees,
freeing the last of the fall leaves from bondage.
I love the wind as it blows fiercely or softly,
Dangerous as an enraged fist or soft as a whispered secret. - love this comparison
I love the wind as it swirls around me --
an eager lover's hand entangled in my hair.

The storm rages outside my open window,
the wind and rain... all that upsets the still silence. - good personification
I love the storm as it calms the world;
for a moment all is still, all is quiet, all is calm.
I love the storm as it is like no other,
frightening yet soothing; simple yet miraculous.
I love the storm of it is (?) within me, - I think that "is" doesn't belong here.
a burning passion that will never fade away.

User avatar
Amberla93
Review
Amberla93 wrote a review Review · Feb 8, 2011

I liked this alot, just because I love the rain! :) I do hve a couple nit picks for you.. sorry.



Rain drops fall outside my open window,
their pitter patter a lovely song. I would change this to "is a lovely song."
I love the rain as it soaks the ground,
leaving puddles for children to play in.
I love the rain as it drips from the trees,
giving life to all that it touches,
I love the rain as it slides off my skin.
A gentle hand leaving tingling trails along my spine.


The wind howls outside my open window,
its sweet whistle a soft lullaby to my ears.
I love the wind as it fights the trees.
freeing the last of the fall leaves from bondage.
I love the wind as it blows fierce or softly.
Dangerous as an enraged fist or soft as a whispered secret.
I love the wind as it swirls around me,
an eager lover's hand entangled in my hair.


The storm rages outside my open window,
the wind and rain all that upsets the still silence.
I love the storm as it calms the world,
for a moment all is still, all is quiet, all is calm.
I love the storm, as it is like no other.
Frightening yet soothing; simple yet miraculous.
I love the storm of it is within me,
a burning passion that will never fade away.



Sorry, I'm a little weird when it comes to stuff like that, but I really do like the poem!

User avatar
silented1
Review
silented1 wrote a review Review · Feb 8, 2011

their pitter patter a lovely song

You're either missing an is between patter and a, or you might want to make their into they and add a verb. Or punctuate it in some way.

Okay, I ran into a little problem after that. We go from your window and the sound the rain makes on the roof, to outside and talking about children. The open window and rain-on-roof noise, suggests to me that it's inside, looking at that storm from within your room. So it doesn't really move well.

I love the storm of it is within me
a burning passion that will never fade away

I'm sorry, what? You might want to rewrite this a bit.

Okay, overall:
I believe you have description on a good road. My problem is that you say "I love the storm" and "my open window" so much that it's almost annoying. And it takes from your description because it makes it sound list like and breaks the flow a bit.
You could rewrite those out a bit, and get connecting ideas to fill in the gaps. If you want, that is.

Some spot(s) where I think the description needed some work:
for a moment all is still, all is quiet, all is calm

We don't really need two extra ways of how it's the same thing. A smilie or metaphor could help, perhaps.

frightening yet soothing; simple yet miraculous

My problem here is that you've described this and it is weak compared to what is already described. Perhaps, a nice line, a good thought or something like that could help tie up this part. It could give some more meaning to your last line and make for a more powerful finish. Assuming you edit the last line to fit it, or them togeather.

Other than that, you're good. You can definitly take this somewhere. I hope you do.

Good luck, keep writing;
Silented1.



Well, if I can't get this chapter to work....at least I will have exercised my fingers.
— Kaia