z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Browning

by Sharon1407


Greenhouse was my life’s namesake,

Perfect lukewarm light poured in from all sides,

The hard translucence held back my heart-warmth

And the mercury stayed put on my blood’s barometer.

Not an apparition but a peace, quite true,

Reigned over my concrete cloud-like kingdom anew.

Unaware of how the lines of exclusivity,

Can be hastily blurred,

When my greenhouse stood as prime witness,

To the silver liquid rising

Within the glass tube,

Brooks trickling down the pale valley,

Was the best substitute for screams of

Lava spurting from the tracheal volcano.

Prediction failed creation and its creator,

Oceans of realities seemed to be a borderline tsunami

As the stratospheric saviour

Was pricked and burst,

And the separate entity became inseparable.

However, it still exists.

Although its beige-bright achievements are

Now downplayed and

The opacity has set in

For it waits, regrettably, with all will,

To get to play the universe’s upcoming disasters.

But has its insides ever seen the ferocious jaws

Of destruction?

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119 Reviews

Points: 10789
Reviews: 119

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Sun Oct 28, 2018 1:23 pm
Clairia wrote a review...



Hey there! Arden here to drop you a review.
I don't have much criticism for this piece, so instead of reviewing it how I usually would, I'm going to write just a short bit.
I really enjoyed this piece. You have a magnificent way with words and an extensive vocabulary. It seems that you're describing an "endless destruction", something large and terrifying taking over the land and destroying everything in its path. I was very much intrigued by your descriptions of this creature. It sounds like the entire universe is joining together to make it, and I think that's fantastic. You've really got me thinking here with endless possibilities, and that's good.
Near the end of this piece, a "savior" rises to counter, and then falls quite quickly. You've done a wise thing here (having the main [character] face an obstacle, even if for only briefly).

All in all, there are very few fixes that I would suggest you make, and they are the following:

Although its beige-bright achievements are
Now downplayed

I got a bit confused with this blurb here. What are you describing? The greenhouse? I lost sight as to what, exactly, it achieved. Destruction? There isn't very much clarification until the end bit.
I really haven't got much else to criticize for you. You've done a simply fantastic job here and it was a joy to reach. I applaud you and I strongly look forward to future works from you.

This review was brought to you by arden of Team Pocus!

Happy October Review Day!!




User avatar
113 Reviews

Points: 181
Reviews: 113

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Fri Oct 26, 2018 4:54 pm
Bellarke wrote a review...



First off, I am going to state the good things...

I loved this, your description, and wording was amazing!

I have no idea why, but I love this part...

"Greenhouse was my life’s namesake,

Perfect lukewarm light poured in from all sides,

The hard translucence held back my heart-warmth

And the mercury stayed put on my blood’s barometer.

Not an apparition but a peace, quite true,

Reigned over my concrete cloud-like kingdom anew.

Unaware of how the lines of exclusivity,

Can be hastily blurred,

When my greenhouse stood as prime witness,

To the silver liquid rising

Within the glass tube,"

Probably because of the way that you but some details into this part, and it was easy for me to picture in my head.


And secondly I would have put some more words to describe the saviour, but you dont have to, I personally would.

"Lava spurting from the tracheal volcano.

Prediction failed creation and its creator,

Oceans of realities seemed to be a borderline tsunami

As the stratospheric saviour"


but overall, I loved this, it was truly amazing!!!

Keep up the wonderful work....I am going off now....

-B





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