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12+ Language


by Sharon1407

When tears will shed from my eyes,

Then the world will visualise what pain is.

When my earnings, my striving, shall fetch the arms of good-will,

Then the universe shall realise what work is.

When my hands shall stop writing on scripts of dried rain anymore,

Then the world shall understand what goal is.

When my legs shall be tired of performing anymore,

Then the universe shall realise what passion is.

When my mouth shall cease to recite anymore,

Then the world shall realise what voice is.

What is it that stops this tired soul to cease living?

What is it that makes this body feel weary after none of the action?

What is that may stop this death from dying?

My arms shall wear out,

My legs dipped in blood,

My voice shall not be audible anymore,

My tears transparent as never,

My earnings negatively valueless,

What about this mind which can never measure its depth?

I am aware what thoughts shall emerge when this love shall die with this hatred.

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1080 Reviews

Points: 125
Reviews: 1080

Sun Oct 30, 2016 11:27 pm
Kaylaa wrote a review...

This is Kaos here for a review.

Poems in this style often get lost to a lot of monologue, and that's what I feel happened here. You were going for the feeling of depression, but that's not really what I got out of this poem. It didn't really feel melancholic to me and felt more of a stiff and emotionless tone for me. The lines don't have any emotion to them, they don't have any power behind them and they don't read with any. They read stiff because they're repetitive and all drag on without any sort of humanity to pull it back or anything to make it feel down-to-earth. What I mean by this is that when you write in this manner of not using "I" or any sort of other pronouns and just write the poem, it starts to become distant.

One of the first things I noticed about this poem was the amount of repetition with the starts of the lines. I don't know if you did this intentionally the full time but the "Then" and "When" at the beginning as well as the "My" at more near the end of the poem. I find it to feel kind of lazy when lines repeatedly start with the same thing, and here they don't particularly have a reason to. There isn't really a changing end to the lines. What I find to be good usage of repetition in this sense of starting the lines the same is when the start (the first word or few words) and then a different end to the sentence or different rest of the sentence. I find it to be stronger with a few words than just one, but that could be just me in that part.

The imagery in this poem is bare. It isn't really there because the poem is mostly composed of questions and doesn't really have any place to set up an atmosphere. There is no real life experiences tied to it, rather, it's rambling of the "speaker". Speaker is in parentheses because I felt this poem didn't have any voice to it, it didn't really have any character. It felt without a soul, and you could possibly say that you did this on purpose but I don't think this tone benefits the poem.

There wasn't really any imagery in the poem as it was mostly talking and questions which made it hard for imagery to fit in. Tell the theme through descriptions, through strong images that help add onto the theme by giving examples and using figurative language. Use metaphors to convey the theme of being depressed and the emotion of it. Describe it through figurative language and use descriptions to explain what it feels like to you. Chances are when you think of the word sad and I think of the word sad, we think different things, so define it.

I hope this helped and have a great day!

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Points: 0
Reviews: 0

Fri Oct 21, 2016 4:14 pm
Paavnithareja says...

nice work i appreciate it
i do feel motivated when i see such a good work.

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20 Reviews

Points: 115
Reviews: 20

Fri Oct 21, 2016 1:39 pm
RossiRainCloud wrote a review...

Nice work I really like what you did here, now I am no master at this but I am guessing that this is a poem, if so then great job! I liked the beginning just how you started it off and OMG the ending "I am aware what thoughts shall emerge when this love shall die with this hatred" like wow I am amazed how well you did, a Strong ending and every thing! so just keep writing poems if this was a poem and what ever else you like to write and have a great time on YWS :)

trust your heart if the seas catch fire (and live by love though the stars walk backward)
— E.E. Cummings