I saw a river once flowing down the mountain of life,
Filled with youth to win in every strife,
With only one aim to reach the sea,
It's water as clean as a mirror could be.
It gushed down with immense speed,
With an unknown gesture that no one could read.
It crashed the boulders, and broke some rocks away,
The rocks who had not imagined such a day.
They were those rocks which made the path for the river,
The ones who gave it a definite shape.
Now they shook and quivered,
As the river left spaces in the banks that gape.
This phenomenon made me learn a lesson enough,
To judge is apparently tough,
Is it right to hurt people and just let them go?
Is it wrong to only help ourselves and learn to say know?
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Canary word: Present
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Hey! Here for a review!
I'm just going to jump right into it,
The first line,
Could use some revising for the wording is weird and uncomfortable. Just as acm had written before, their suggestion is a well written one.
In this section of the poem,
The rhyme scheme was altered and so it kind of broke the nice flow you had started with.
I will also recommend stanzas! You could group lines that rhyme (or every four lines) into stanzas which would make it easier to read, instead of having one big one.
Overall, I like the rhyming and imagery you have used! Best of luck with your future writing.
Thank you anngelalu.. I'll be sure to take those points into consideration...
Hi, Sharon1407! Acm here for a review.
I really enjoyed reading this because I always love it when poems rhyme. It gives them a nice flow. The concept of the poem was also intriguing, and I thought it started and ended well.
Overall, I thought this was a great piece, but I have a few suggestions.
1.
I would change the first line to, "I once saw a river flowing down the mountain of life."
This would give the line an easier flow.
2.
I felt like the first line was worded a bit weirdly. I would rephrase it like one of these options:
"With only one aim: To reach the sea."
or
"With it's one aim to reach the sea."
Whichever one you think would fit best in your poem. Or you can reword it yourself.
3.
Here, I was just wondering why you changed the rhyme scheme from AA, BB to ABAB. It disrupts the flow, but maybe I'm just missing what the change in pattern brings to the poem.
4.
I'm not sure how these last two lines go back to the rest of the poem, but I think the river might represent someone who's moving forward in life and leaving people behind (the rocks), but hurting them as they pass.
The next line, I don't understand, though. I think you mean to replace the word "know" with the word "no".
Anyways, I hope my review didn't sound too harsh. I really liked your poem, and you are a great writer. I can't wait to see more of your poetry!
--acm
Thanks for the suggestions.. I'll be sure to look into them..
Hi, here with a review. First of all I really liked your titles, it captured my attention. The structure overall, I was happy with. The rhyme,e scheme and the vocabulary was amazing. I really liked how you've gone into detail with your work; it has a lot of imagery. The rhetorical questions at the end are really something to think about. Overall, I like your moral that you've hinted there at the end and I ;like the poem, I hope to read more of your pieces.
~Rosy234
Thanks.. Actually I have thing for selecting the most apt title.. Glad you liked it..