She saw me coming up the stairs,
Those tears at the brim of her eyelids, she couldn’t hide.
I had been thinking all along of what I felt, what I thought.
Watching her, everything stopped, all thoughts ceased.
Pain elevated to the zenith, I recall.
Couldn’t, just couldn’t feel my hurt beneath the weight of her sorrows.
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Canary word: Present
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125,024 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
Hello Sharon. Knight Ink of the After Watch here to move your poem out of the Green Room.
The theme here is so strong. It's like the narrator forgot everything, even their pain, when they saw the girl's tears and hurts. And in another way, I can take it as the narrator tried to move oh-so-close to the girl, but then the girl's pain formed a chasm between them and the narrator couldn't take a step forward. They couldn't join for that reason--the girl was building a wall around her. I also feel as though the tears have a sense of irony. When someone cries, I suppose others will usually look with some kind of concern or something. In this case, the narrator was trying to reach her but the tears brought so much sorrow that it split them.
I didn't like the structure though honestly. I felt as though there was one thought every line, and I would have loved it if the thoughts flowed from line to line, leaking into other lines, to form something of a coherent form. In this case, my major issue with this poem is flow. And some lines are a little awkward:
I think (just considering the line by itself) the sentence can be rewritten as
Now I don't think that line, if inserted in the poem, would help the poem (instead perhaps worsen it) but just remember that if reading the line aloud sounds awkward or clunky, it should be rephrased.
To take the poem up the next step, my suggestion is to use a metaphor here so that the poem can be veiled by a little subtlety. Or perhaps strengthen the emotions in here. Stating emotions can only take the poet so far. *Showing* them using the tools of poetry can really change things. Just food for thought.
I think that's all I've got to say now. Don't hesitate to message me if you want to talk about this; remember that my suggestions are just plain suggestions and in the end, it's up to you to use them or not.
Legacy here for a review.
I love the content. It's about a girl and the narrator; the narrator is trying to help the girl because of some reason and the narrator doesn't know how. I love how the narrator says they are hurting too but can't feel their pain because of the fact she is hurting.
I don't see anything that needs to be edited. Nice job on the poem. Legacy.