Me closest to the farthest You

Hello! I'll be reviewing your work today, seeing as I have spare time and the green room is looking a little full, huh? Let's get right into it!

We hit the first line of the poem, and you're starting us off with some good ol' imagery and creative ways to say "the smell of the cigar was in the air." And then we hit the next lines:

Saddle caught on the perfume used
To cover it up.

I have a couple of things to say about this. The breaking of line was rather awkward -- there's one big, chunky line and then a shorter one which splits the sentence in two. This not only looks off but can also upset the flow of a poem. Perhaps try something like "Saddle caught on the // perfume used to cover it up"? There might also be potential to increase the use of figurative language. I start on a strong beginning line and these to don't quite compare to it.

I breathe and gulp.

Okay. These two actions seem strange together. I would choose either "breathe" or "gulp" for this line, just my opinion. In my mind they represent a similar thing and something else could replace "breathe" that might enhance this line, seeing as "gulp" is being rhymed with "up". This line was mainly telling us what the speaker is doing, in which replacing "breathe" you have an opportunity to change that.

Speaking of rhyming, let me talk about that. It took me a little to realize you were rhyming the last two lines of each stanza. For the most part, it wasn't too forced (which happens to writers quite often, including me) but some lines delt with the issue of being only a slight rhyme. For example, "gulp" and "up" don't rhyme completely, same with "tunnels" and "rumbles". They are both very close to rhyming, but not quite. If you do want to find more rhyming words, I would suggest checking out RhymeZone. It's my go-to rhyming searcher.

My favorite stanza you have is the second one. Honestly, not much happened in it and it was a good part where it was simply just imagery and poetic language. Your descriptions were spot on -- definitely not too much.

It comes in from the west,

This is something I find often happens with writers, poets. We become so immersed in writing a piece that sometimes we forget to read it from a reader's perspective. This may just be me, but I'm confused as to what "it" is? Is it something mentioned previously, like the storm, the horse (referring to the saddle)?

And entering the tunnels.

Wait. Tunnels? Is this figurative, or literal? This kind of appeared out of no where. Make sure that if you want to rhyme words together, don't force it onto a page! This could have just been unclarified, though. In which it should be explained.

Me closest to the farthest you.

I was actually confused up until this point about the title and I'm glad somethig about it is being referred to in the poem. Although I'm not a fan of endings being the title, it did actually make a good scene. I think this because they seem to be hackneyed -- using the title as the last line of a poem -- and it's not something to use in every written poem. It's nice for the reader to interpret how title and poem together relate to each other, though for me it's different in this situation because the title helped guide me to knowing what the poem was about.

With all of that being said, your poem was nice. In many ways this poem reminded me of a song lyric. I said this to probably my most recent review as well, but I think it's definitely the way of rhyme. The pauses before the last line and then the rhyme of it really enhances each ending of each stanza.

I have lots of different feedback to give you about this poem. You clearly painted the landscape in which you were working with this poem. It was genrally very descriptive. However, it was mysteriously descriptive. We weren't told specifics, instead we were given a painted picture. I think this actually worked in your favor, but this was on the verge of becoming confusing.

You still have room for improvement. Everyone does. Besides what I've already mentioned, I suggest you play with formatting. Believe it or not, but it really does emphasize the writing. I think this is for sure an author's choice, considering it does reflect one's style, I encourage you to branch out! Get rid of those squiggles in between each stanza, try something. Too much and too little does not benefit your poem, but experimenting to find the right amount will help you out a lot in the future.

I hope this review helped. This was a good piece, and you can always improve, remember that! This was very unique from anything I've written, and the concept you had was quite original and creative. Thank you for sharing this piece! If you have any questions please do ask!