Young Writers Society

Hey Sharon!

I know you've got a couple reviews on this work already but I wanted to have a look at the Part II and wanted to make sure I had the whole story right!

Firstly I want to say that while "amongst" is definitely an acceptable word, it jars me incredibly when I read it. I have trouble getting past it because it's very much not used in my social circles and I feel like it might be being used here as an indication that this is a Serious Poem, one that involves God and such, so it should be what looks like an old form of the word. (Among is actually older, but Amongst became popular in the Middle Ages). You don't have to change it or anything, but I wanted to point it out first.

I'm not a big fan of the repetition of "His" here because I don't think the lines add a lot to your poem. They need some more language techniques here to really make them relevant and interesting. At the moment a lot of your lines essentially say "this guy was great, so very great!" but without telling us why really. Deep eyes and a flower for a heart isn't very informative. Why does his soul have a different rhythm, what rhythm is it? Would I recognise it?

I think what your poem is suffering from here is the idea that it is very serious. I can tell that the intent is very clear and it is coming through the poem, but there's nothing interesting to keep me reading. Reconsider your imagery, your justification for God talking this guy away. Tell me something concrete. "A soul in its own rhythm/the echo of canyons inside his chest" or whatever, give me something that I can really hold on to, because right now "he was pretty and awesome" is all I have to go on and I don't think it holds up to the very serious intent you have.

I don't mind the lines about God, they work okay and as does he last line. However, I think you can definitely work on the rest of the poem to pick it up to the standard of the other lines. I hope these brief comments help in doing that.

Thanks for sharing! If you have any questions or change the poem at all, please let me know!

- PenguinAttack

Hellow..Its Menusha here to review your work.

Firstly,i should say im in love with your poem. The topic itself catches the eye of a reader and the content is no less. It has a deeper meaning even when looking from the surface. This kinda speaks of a person isolated from the society yet had his own spiritual generation, More like Jesus himself did.
But of course the goodness is always short to survive still the after life for him can be the best one can ask for.. Truely, your poem has so much of morality and spirituality so keep it up! Thank you!

Hellow..Its Menusha here to review your work.

Firstly,i should say im in love with your poem. The topic itself catches the eye of a reader and the content is no less. It has a deeper meaning even when looking from the surface. This kinda speaks of a person isolated from the society yet had his own spiritual generation, More like Jesus himself did.
But of course the goodness is always short to survive still the after life for him can be the best one can ask for.. Truely, your poem has so much of morality and spirituality so keep it up! Thank you!

Your story (as I read in the description) really captures suicide. I have been down that alley before and this really shows people's emotions on the situation. I love how you added God's part. Most of the time God seems to be over looked in Suicide poems. I can't think of a better way to put this into words.

Hi. this is kamn134. i'm here to review your work.

first off, this was a pretty good poem. it is very romantic and spiritual. at first, from reading it, i thought it was a hymn to Jesus Christ because of this stanza: "He was amongst us, a soul in its own rhythm." however, from reading more into it, i saw that it was a poem of a passing loved one. that i figured out from this part:

"His soul was delicate but no one understood,

His eyes had a depth no one could give them,

His heart was flower, one to save, wish I could."

the emotional overtone was very passionate and loving, showing that you truly cared for this person. the symbolisms like "flowers" suits the poem really well. in the beginning, it was really loving and positive until the end when it started becoming mournful, watching your loved one passing away before your eyes.

this was a pretty good poem. i hope you right more.

Hi, Sharon!
I wanted to give you a review.
First of all, I just love poems about love, so it definitely fascinated me from the first sight. I usually describe the person in my poetry and it seems like you are doing it too. It sounds so good, when you describe his soul as 'in its rhytm', his eyes as 'a depth no one could give them', his heart as 'a flower'. Ir really suits all the poem, when you describe him like mysterious person, like a deep and special soul, that no one could understand. I feel that way too. And that dramatic end is just the best way to end these kind of poems. Your poem is really great. I will be looking forward to read your new works. Good luck!