Young Writers Society

Hey there! I'm here for a quick review on this chapter

I haven't read any previous chapters, so I won't be commenting on pace or things like that. So I'll be focusing on this chapter alone, if that's okay with you!

“You shot and killed your own best friend. Your own partner,” The man in the doorway laughed coldly.

Yoongi shook as he looked up.

Before Yoongi could react The Swan’s polished shoe was making contact with Yoongi’s face.

Yoongi couldn’t breathe.

“You went too far… You’re not a hero, you’re a stupid cop who didn’t know when to quit.”

I guess they’re left to deal with the rest without him, thanks to you,” The Swan sighed with false pity.

Because of your plan I called Jinnie here to be a good puppet just in case, I’m glad I did.”

Taehyung’s eyes were glued to the floor fighting back tears. “Please…” he quietly begged. The Swan shook his head and tutted.

The Swan reached out his hand and Taehyung hesitantly took it, letting himself be guided by The Devil’s ice cold grip to the cellar.

Whaaaaaaaaaat was the Swan there the whole time?! Why doesn't Minjun or Yoongi shoot him now!?

So Yoongi's fear has really gripped him hard here, and my question is whether this is consistent with his character. I took him as a tough cop who was able to set aside his feelings for the mission, which means he stays focused on the target and has almost no fear walking into the lion's den. And while he did kill a loved one just now, I don't see how it would make him afraid of the Swan. I basically expected Yoongi to leap up and barrel into the Swan head-on, slamming him into the wall behind or something, you know? So unless this is consistent to his character, like he always tends to completely lose it when faced with the seemingly impossible, I'd probably rethink how the Swan re-enters here. If it is consistent with Yoongi's character, then I would rewrite some of the narration so that we get into his head and get that feeling where he's paralyzed with shock, a jumble of emotions that his brain can't quite comprehend yet, etc.

Okay BUT MINJUN. WHAT DID YOU DO TO MINJUN??

I like what you did to Minjun! I mean, it was sad to see, but it continues to back up the Swan's character and how ruthless he is. He's terrifying and doesn't value human life at all, which makes for the most terrifying villain ever. So taking Minjun's life here so quickly, so efficiently, and without delay really adds another layer of fear to this scene's mood.

This backstory on Seokjin. I'm assuming again some of this was at least foreshadowed before, that the reader got to know Seokjin a bit to feel this loss. Looking at the character from my own perspective, I really like that you gave Seokjin such a difficult scenario to live with. This gives Seokjin that level of desperation, he had a desire/motivation to protect his family, and he was willing to do anything to free them from their debt -- including working for someone like the Swan. It's such a heart-wrenching tale that is so easy for sensitive readers like me to get wrapped up in. It's a shame I didn't get to know Seokjin yeeeet. #ShameOnMe

So I'm curious about Taehyung and why he's still shaking with fear. Now, once again, I didn't really get to know Taeyhung very well since I only started reading at chapter 23, so maybe he's a renowned scaredy-cat. From what I've learned so far, it seemed like Taehyung has a level of safety that the other characters don't have. He's a prisoner, yes, but he still has a freedom of choice the others don't. So what exactly is he afraid of at the start of this scene? That the Swan was coming to kill him anyway, despite what was said a couple chapters ago?

Gosh, the Swan is so creepy! Any bad guy who has that level of confidence and doesn't hesitate to touch people like that is just tHE WORST. It makes me so uncomfortable. Even in this scene, the Swan walking up to stroke Taehyung's cheek felt so WRONG and random. The Swan is so, so creepy. I wonder why the Swan behaves this way? Is he actually insane, like mentally ill? He has some obsession with manipulating people. I wonder what he really wants out of all this. What is the Swan's goal? //tangent

omg is the Swan going to make Taehyung choose who gets to live or something disgustingly awful like that?! I know he's supposed to kill Jimin at least or whoever it was, but... I have a feeling the Swan's about to amend the deal. =________= And with another character dead and another character imprisoned, it is looking less and less likely they'll make it out of this situation. And I LOVe this so much! You've really done well trying your characters, putting them in worse and worse situations, leaving me as the reader out-of-breath in suspense and stress. It's so exciting!!

I look forward to the next chapter. Keep writing!!

Jabber, the One and Only!

Hey!
I had to look up these names because they look Korean and I was not disappointed. I am ALL FOR living your best BTS crime fanfiction life.
I haven't read your previous chapters so forgive me if something I don't understand is clarified in earlier chapters.
First of all, I like the immediacy of your writing. You write action in a way that shows that you know action writing, which sort of settles me into the comfort of this torture scene. Vicarious masochism isn't my thing but I can respect it here. Reminds me of Tokyo Ghoul a little bit.
You have a lot of exposition via the Swan, and the rest of this is mostly being kicked around, blood, breathlessness, stars... very provocative. Where I think you could benefit is to describe the surroundings a bit more. The surroundings of wherever these people are doesn't have to be a chore to describe. The dankness and coldness of this place can mirror and highlight the their pain, and would help to ground the reader in the story—otherwise it's just talking heads. I'd also like to have some inner monologue about how much this or that guy means to this or that guy. when someone you love is being kicked in the stomach, you experience a whole lot. memory flashbacks, fear of their death, fierce protectiveness—Yes, this scene is fast-paced, but in this situation, time goes buck-wild. long thoughts can flash before your eyes in a second.
good luck!