kiss the muscles of
my heart, say "be still" and I
will halt its beating
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,005 Literary Works • 672,797 Reviews
This is a beautiful and simple poem, Reise <3
This might not be a very long review because I don't have a lot to say other than I like it a lot.
I kinda like that you have it in the syllable format of a haiku, but I also want to mention that you can write really short poems that don't have this format! I feel like we don't see a lot of those.
However, I don't feel like you were constrained by the syllables because the words are perfect. What is a little awkward is the line breaks. It was weird for the line to break after "of." For me anyway.
I kinda want to hear more of this, but then again, it is so delectable and delicious as it is.
I like the title too, although, It's kinda weird that you have a definition without the word itself anywhere in the poem or title. I kinda want to know what word exactly you were thinking of.
I really like the word "halt." It is the perfect word to use in that final line. "Stop" or "cease" or any other word would not fit that line so perfectly as "halt" does. Really good job with your word choice!
Okay, I think That's all I have to say for this!
Awesome job! Keep writing <3
~fortis
The word is "Sacrifice" which was gonna be the title of the poem but I thought "Nah, let's be fancy" lol.
'Ello, its Cello, here for a likely short review (seeing as your work is simply fifteen words long
)
When it comes to content, there was only one thing I had a problem with.
Technically, yes, you can use halt here, but it sounds uncomfortable. Halt is usually something you do to yourself (you halt, she halts, he halts), not something you make something else do. I would honestly suggest taking the easier route and use 'stop' as an alternative. Sometimes less is more. Stop fits more comfortably in this situation and overall works better with the poem.
Moving on, I'd like to discuss how the poem looks. It sounds silly, but appearance is a lot. If this poem were in a book and a reader was flipping through the pages it could be a simple glance that decides whether or not they stop to take time and read your poem. I know this is a little extreme, but I'm sure you get the point. Your poem is designed very casually. It has minimal punctuation and capitalization which I like. It works well with the innocence in this poem. I would like to suggest that you keep this appearance consistent by making the 'k' in 'kiss' lowercase. It's a small thing but it introduces the relaxed, innocent tone right of the bat, pulling the reader in. I would keep the comma after heart though, as it does a lot for the sound of the poem.
Over all I thought this was a really great thing. You used a mix of style and well chosen words to get your point across.
Keep up the great work!
-ChocolateCello
Thank you. I think I do like all lowercase.
Short and sweet, love it!