He loved with the same intensity of those that collect beautiful things;
wanted her in a glass case, wings pinned,
in a glass vase, stem cut.
Wanted her preserved and untouched
by all but his own hands,
that he swore would not stain,
but left her skin grimy where he stroked
greedy fingers over her perfection.
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139,346 Literary Works • 672,539 Reviews
This is Yams here for a review!
The imagery is what really stood out for me. The first stanza has a lot of that, and it rocks. The rest of the poem was repetitive on purpose but I didn't find the repetitiveness with "Like" helping the poem.
This is all one sentence/line/whatever with a lot of commas that just feel like they're screwing up the flow. I suggest breaking it into two sentence/line/whatevers.
Same here, this is all one sentence/line/whatever and you have rarely any periods in it. The only period in these five lines is at the end.
Overall with the punctuation I'd just suggest putting some periods in there and taking out some commas where they don't really need to be.
The flow. The first stanza was long and then the other two (are you even calling them stanzas after the first stanza?) are short and repetitive. Change it up a little. Change line length, words used. The first stanza had lots of good imagery (if we're calling it that) but then after it is not as good imagery and it's a vast change from long stanza to /short/ stanza.
Those were just my thoughts. The imagery rocked. Have a great day and I hope you feel better if this was a personal poem.
Hey!
After a long time i came across a poem i re-read, not because i wanted to examine it but simply as it fascinated me!
Well, the title gave me an impression not at all related to the content but as i read i realized how unique the title is!(keep it up!)
(is this poem about forced prostitutes, narrow minded men as that's what i felt about it)
If it is then my friend, you have surely dealt with a sensitive topic very very wisely!
Everything about this poem is so perfect.
No comments and only compliments!