Hey, can you hear me?
Down here.
I still love the way the
wind blows through our hair when we ride our bicycle fast or go horse
back riding or now as the wind blows through your car window. I never
did go anywhere. I've been here all this time waiting for the things
you promised us. Remember that time we chased that boy around the
school for spraying your locker with cologne? Now look at us, tears
streaming from our eyes because the one boy who said they loved us
left a bruise on our face.
At the red light you take a
quick glance in the rearview mirror. I urge from within your eyes for
you to take a longer look, but you haven't actually seen yourself in
years. You don't notice how we are wasting away because food makes us
fat and anxiety causes us to focus on everything but comfort. I stole
a glance at the book on the counter through your eyes, and for just a
second I thought you would indulge in something we use to love to do.
Then the adult world that has stained your brain with
responsibilities, hurt, and worry, flooded your thoughts with
cleaning, cooking, and looking good for when your boy got home, and
suddenly there was no time for us.
My things still sit in the
memory box you keep under your bed. He's not allowed to look through
them, and you pretend they aren't there because I think you know I'm
disappointed. Not that long ago, we were five and made a life time
goal list. We wanted to graduate college, get married, have babies,
and be important to people; we wanted to save others from drowning in
their adult life, but you missed the part about staying true to me
and saving yourself.
Sometimes I wake you up at
night because I miss you, but you think it's just your bladder. I
know somewhere within your big brain you know you don't deserve the
short patience, the intolerance, the taunting and mocking. I know you
remember how we felt strong for believing we could and would always
stand up for ourself. You smacked your twin brother's best friend
because he made a snide comment to you on your sixteenth birthday,
but lover boy gets to trap you in a locked bathroom and play with the
lights because he knows you are afraid of the dark because for one
small instance he made you feel like it was a real possibility to be
loved.
His gas-lighting isn't love.
We know what love is, remember? Love is the sun kissed glow of a hard
day working in a garden. The attention he slides your way because he
knows he can use you, is not love. Love is when your neighbor came
outside and deiced your car because he knew you were always late to
school. The way he gets out of the car at red lights, after letting
your head bounce off the steering wheel because you won't get him the
drug of his choice, and blocking your number until three in the
morning, when he needs you to pick him up at a bar downtown you've
never heard of before, isn't love. We know what love is because we
use to be so good at showing others love. Now you've become a shell
of the person we use to be.
I had all but given up on
you, until I felt your ears pick up what the woman at the recovery
meeting was saying. Your homework was to write a letter to your
younger self. I have been waiting all this week, so excited, until I
felt your tears and every word written within them. I am not
disappointed. I still love you. Let's work together. Let's get back
to who we truly are.
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