*I have yet to decide if I will continue this so I need harsh and detailed reviews. Rip it apart and tell me if you think I should continue it?*
The liquid forms of frustration fell from her face onto the old dusty carpet. She was one of them now, and this is where she would live out the long, miserable last days of her life. Nothing exciting would happen; her body would just contort into unimaginable pain, twisting and turning until her lungs could find no room to expand and contract. Her last breath would spill the remains of her secrets, demons, and blood upon the floor. She would be left to decay in this abandoned building; the rats would sit to dinner at her limbs, stretching and ripping her flesh to pieces until only the bone and scraps of muscle tissue is left. This is how she envisioned it; this is how it needed to be. No one would save her. No one could save her.
She slid down the brown, brittle, broken wall. Amongst the other things in her purse was her last, precious stash. While pulling it from her purse the plastic wrap bag opened, and the white powder splashed a color contrast onto the musty, dust covered carpet. She couldn’t tolerate to loose one speck. With all the energy she has left, she pushed her body to the floor, dropping like a dead fly. Her face was an inch above the germ and dirt infested floor, she licked her lips. All her vitality had escaped her, but she couldn’t afford to not have this. Her nose touched the diseased and filthy floor as the white, snowy powder flew up her nose, almost magic like. Wheezing, she grew upon the wall like a vine and rested her head against the wall, putting an indent into it’s fragileness. The blood trickled down her face, staining her worn and holy clothes.
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139,529 Literary Works • 672,599 Reviews
Thanks for the awesome review
Great beginning. You should continue if you've got a story in mind that you like.
There's one thing I'm absolutely sure about. You want us to know the place is filthy. But you're just repeating yourself and making it sound really sort of cheesy with an interrupted flow. No need for so many adjectives.
But the descriptions were great. Very vivid. You definately plant the setting of torturous darkness in the reader's mind. I'd like to hear more of what the character feels physically. You do include that, but if there's such agonizing pain as you're implying, you need to tell us how her body feels feeble and underfed and how a fire zips up her leg when she moves it. Whatever state you want her to be in.
Also, if this is the beginning of a story, it would be a great time to add a little history. Going along with what will[i] happen, tell what already [i]has[i] happened. Maybe she has regrets if her state is her fault. Maybe she hurt someone. I don't know. But do continue this. It'll go somewhere good.[/i][/i][/i]
yay, ahah thanks for the review
Hey Rasca!
This is all very bloated. I find you're using phrases that really don't need to be there, and bulking it up with adjectives that just don't work. It's not so much purple prose as distracting, and so I end up getting very confused by what's happening.
In way of addressing the prose -
= "Sweat"
(If you didn't mean that, I've got no idea what's going on.
= "dusty carpet"
(Because saying it's dusty kind of implies it's old; I'm actually unsure how sweat could actually fall onto the ground, but anyway.)
I very much dislike this alliteration; they're just there. They don't add any effect and just get in the way. Does its colour matter? Aren't all walls brittle? Broken - crumbly, perhaps. I'd just point outs it's a brick wall. It's such an insignificant detail.
See point #2.
To name but a few. Inevitably, I just find that you're saying things that really don't need to be said. Focus on being blunt and only using adjectives when you absolutely have to. You're using a lot of experimental language - for which I praise you (I loved the rat image very muchy) - but a lot of the time it just doesn't work and makes it seem tired and bloated.
This sort of connects with the whole vagueness of the piece. It could be so much easier to understand, but right now I don't really know what's happened, since logically I can't prioritise any details; it's all just thrown out there. The fact is, nothing really happened.
It's for that reason that all I can say is that you really should continue this. It's just that I don't know what you've got in mind - like I said, it's not translating to the reader. So write more, and let me know so that I can give a more general critique.
Anyway, hope I helped!
Best
Blinky