Young Writers Society

Hey Pomp c: I'm going to try and review your poem (I'm not sure why as I don't think I have anything to say to improve any of your poems xD )

I feel in love with this poem from the beginning, it's just so good. The repetition, metaphors, and imagery is just so good, like this is art. Really, really good. I was a bit confused when you said "turned to dust, like a silverfish" I don't see how dust and silverfish go together. The second stanza seemed to make me think a bit more and I got a bit confused. I felt it was a little rambling but still amazing. I really felt the emotion in this poem and I really relate to it. It plays on the feeling of wanting to escape reality and just leave. It makes me think of one of my favorite songs, Half The World Away by AURORA. I really admire your style of writing, it's very pretty, beautiful, and emotional. "the moon drowned in the sea once, drowned because it fell to far" I feel like this has to do with depression. If we fall to deep into the darkness we will drown in it. Wow that really hit me hard xD. I feel like the words are a little small, some words I find hard to read. The first time I read the ending it was sort of "eh". You lost me around the moon as a door knob. I don't really see how that connects to everything else. (reads ending again) "i learnt to spin in the earth's pocket" aaaahhh I love that <3 It's so deep and so aaaahhh <3 The fourth stanza doesn't really do anything for me. It felt like rambling and I don't know, just didn't get me like the others. I really like the ending reading it a second time. The last line is so good. It was a bit weird when you were talking about hearts, that confused me a bit. But I really enjoyed this work and appreciate it.

This was literally me just telling you everything I liked about to your poem...I'm sorry xD
marmalade

This was really great and you did a good job. Everything was uniquely detailed and enjoyable to read. I would show you my favorite parts, but there are too many! Just by reading this I can tell that you are a very talented writer. I loved the layout of this piece. The writing was a bit small, but it made me read it more carefully and really sink the writing in my brain. I loved the connections between the moon and the character. I can't wait to read more from you, so keep writing

For the sake of a point, I'm going to keep this substantial and brief.

Your length betrays you almost as if your thoughts hiccuped in the middle interim where there's a literal hiccup in the formatting--the thing I praised you for yesterday. It's a good trick. It's a fantastic tool. But it also marks where the poem falls off-kilter. The repeated pincers is a wick burn on the hand. The connection between learning to walk and the moon having wings is unclear, but the theme carries through with learning to walk, so I allow it (though that area needs tender care.)

The ending line is weak and I'm unsure why you chose to end with a contextual line that won't be relevant but to science historians in a few weeks. Honestly, if you want to talk about the moon as an entity doing x, y, and z, that's one thing because it's personification for being a normal person and failing at x, y, and z. But throwing in the ending [it is a supermoon] does nothing. It'll leave your readers confused and baffled and it really adds nothing at all.

Finally, the metaphor of being torn between two skies is wonderful. Certainly the best material of the entire piece. Good work.
Lumi

Time for a review, as promised.

So, something that I've noticed over time is that your poetry doesn't like to stay inside the bold lines of the coloring book in that it's a bit of a mess. I find this here and it doesn't exactly feel whole as a poem. It does a lot of writing about one topic, which is one of the things I admire and a thing that I admire here, but along with that apart of it is like, "Is this relevant?" and for the most part it is.

The rambling that you seem to kind of do rather than tackling anything in specific is something I kind of question? You're an imagery writer, and I'm pretty sure that's how you got the idea for this poem, but sometimes I feel like it needs more guidance in what it's trying to get across. Something more to push the emotions forward and that might just be me for something that this fell flat on, but I didn't really feel it as much as I did in something like Gravedigger.

The highlight here was easily the imagery as it's what the poem runs on and it seems to be the base chemical of this potion. The way you word things is a hit or miss thing, sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. What I mean by this is the things like "planetary exodus" and the "earth's pocket/collar". I can find myself on both sides of it, you describing the speaker being inside the earth's pocket was something that I found to be interesting, but sometimes it gets a little dense. Dense to the point where sometimes the reader just wants a breather from all the relentless amounts of images you're throwing at us without time to process them.

Addressing the poem being broken up into pieces and continental plates, the first and last stanza have a similar feel to them though the second stanza is something that I thought was out of place or it was doing it's own thing. Stanzas three and four also have a bit of a connection with "the moon's eyes" and "the earth's pocket" and if you made this a little more apparent I think they would be able to connect better. It's all different blurbs on the same topic and in different chunks

The repetition in the brackets was something that I enjoyed seeing. The whole walking and running fast enough thing was on its own but held up because of the repetition and everything of that sort, but I would have liked to see some sort of connection between running from something and the moon. Perhaps the speaker is running from the moon itself but can't escape it? I can see that fitting into this poem if you played your cards right, and it would give better connections. I find that you need to do more connecting of the fragments and connecting the seams with this for the most part.

I wasn't a fan of the ending? Or at least, the words in the brackets. I don't know why too much but the "it is a supermoon" didn't really rub me the right way. I thought it was a little abrupt, but that's pretty minor. It fell apart in the last lines of the stanza and then it was over. I thought it could do more to wrap the poem and idea up with the ideas spread throughout the poem and those images spread with them.

I hope I helped and have a great day!