i am tired of running
as i have been all my life,
shoulders twisted on the wrong way, chin turned
towards the clouds--i am tired
of playing pretend for an onseer--i am tired
of trying to be, to float in a vessel of aching, dangling limbs
and stagnant, rotting heartache--i am tired
of lingering where i am not meant to, tired of
trying to shake away the rain that kisses the underside of my eardrums--
tired, tired of running and never
stopping to kiss the rain back.
the rain builds castles on my humpbacked spine--
a lump of tissue rolled on top of a ribcaged hill--and seas
roll the castle back, roll the peaks of salt over my skin
and onto my tongue. lift the castle--higher, higher,
the waves say--lift it until you are straight, until
you can stand without stooping to rub your bruises
against the ground. i have learnt that
bruises do not bloom on a dry mantle of calloused skin.
so plant a seed of turmoil in my wide, gaping mouth.
watch it blossom.
world, watch it blossom.
[[i will not run.]]
dust seeps into my nostrils; the scent
of burnt rubber on my tongue; the feel
of salt grazing skin and bricks on a collision-course; the cold,
conniving glare of my body and mind torturing soul--i am being
soulswept awayawayaway. i am tired
of
running
from
myself.
this time, i will stay
and watch the disdain on my body wither.
this time, i will stay
and hoist the castle walls over my back.
this time, i will string the clouds around my neck,
weave rivers into my hair, rub the sky into my skin,
and tie the downpour to my sleeves.
it is not heavy. it is not heavy.
my heart is an umbrella.
[[quiet nights find us here, back where we began:
digging caves within the earth, filling the cracks
with spinal fluid, and the fissures in our spines with sand. 'here is hope,'
we tell the earth. 'here is where we turn our fears to dust, here is hope--
that we will hear ourselves,
and love ourselves--shoulders twisted on
the wrong way, bricks laid heavy
on our backs--]]
'i think
i see the sky.'
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,027 Literary Works • 672,890 Reviews
Hey pomp!
So! This, as always, has your beautiful vocabulary and images and word choice. I never dislike a poem I read from you just because the words are so beautiful.
But I really enjoy poems that also make sense to me. This definitely has a sort of theme, a central image everything sorta spirals out from, but it's all so vague and floaty and branched-out that by the tie we're at the end, we don't know where we've even been. Sorta like waking up in the back alley of a city you've never been to, wondering if you took the train or what, but the sun is rising and you have only warm fuzzy feelings in your gut.
Anywaay
Mostly what I'm asking for here I guess is a better sense of direction? Figure out what you want to focus on and whittle the poem down so it actually takes that shape. Right now it's like a block of wood that has some shape to it, but I can't really tell what it is now. The wood itself might be beautiful and composed of beautiful words, but it's just not living its full potential right now I guess.
I can't really get into that many specifics in this poem because I feel like the specifics should maybe be cut away. Maybe you can save the shavings for use in another poem, but right now, this poem is like an abstract art piece with too much going on to really understand the subject.
If you want to go for your theme being tiredness, take all the parts you think best represent what you want to say about tiredness, and make it a little more concise and orderly.
Don't get me wrong: I love reading these whirling-colored riotous words, but for other people who have a hard time just exulting in words, I feel like it might be a wiser idea to have more focus and clarity. And I too would also like to find a little more meaning in it.
Sorry if this review isn't all that helpful!
Keep writing, though!
~fortis
Here to review, as requested!
I think what you've got here is thoughts that are all intertwined and hard to separate, but also distinct sections that basically should be their own poems on their own and it's all very all-at-once. You do that a lot. You are a freight train. And I am spaghetti on the tracks.
The thing I noticed most at first is how much you use the same words. When I'm writing poetry, unless it's long or I'm intentionally repeating a phrase throughout the poem for effect, I try never to use the same word twice (except for i, and, the, etc.). So let's look at how many times you're using some of these words.
Tired: 8 (seven of which are in the first stanza)
Running/run: 4
Those were the two biggest offenders. I feel like you could substitute some of these repeats for other, more illustrative words, or take them out, even. You're falling over yourself in this poem. Emotion is good, but this is so much that you're babbling. Slow down and watch what you're typing a little more-- take out so much repetition that I'm not sure is intentional, and check yourself on repeated words. "Rub" was used twice in different contexts. The first one could definitely be changed to a stronger word.
I think what I'm having problems with the most in this, though, is that I want it to be a little simpler. You don't do simple poems, though. You've always got these layers of images that build on one another and demolish expectations, a surreal landscape of emotion. What I think you need to do with this one, though, is to slow down, like I said before. Think about the bare bones message of this piece and put the pieces back on it. Start from the skeleton and add muscle, organs, and skin. But don't add any more. You've just got so much going on here that it's hard to handle and see the meaning in this poem.
Gosh, I feel like this review was useless. "Slow down," she says. You're a train. After everything, I love your layered imagery, but I need more simplicity. I hope that this review proves useful to you. Happy poeting, and happy review day!
You and Lumi are poet gods. All hail o7
Pomp, you know the drill.
The line-break flow of the first several stanzas is very dubious to me as it places unnatural pauses in the trains of thought. This could work for a breathless feeling, but placed at the beginning of the piece, I feel it fails at its job because we haven't engaged the intimacy of the breathlessness and exhaustion of the narrator until we reach the bracketed lyricism.
On that point, I'm also cautious to approach the stark differences between the narration and lyrics because they feel very disjointed; that is to say that the voice of the narration is vastly different than that of the spoken word, and while the difference is jarring, the voice of the speaker is much better and connects much more strongly with the reader.
But I think that may be the outcome of the spoken style that we employ so often. I'm guilty of the same thing, and it's a major part of my editing process to smooth out the stepping stones between voices, if there must be steps at all.
Moving further, the final stanza and couplet are, by far, the strongest and most brutal parts of the piece, and while my original thought was that it could serve as its own piece, I really think it benefits from the context of the narration, which is a wonderful thing.
So I think the major critique here is working on the ligaments between your styles of delivery.
Good stuff. I'll look forward to the next.
Ty
Well we'll my good friend I will have to say something about this story and it is that it is the best one I have ever read today,and knowing that you are a great and talented writer you can write more miraculous things then you could ever think we're possible. After reading this review you will know more about yourself then ever before.
There are a few things that I would like to say to you before I go and that is when I first thought you were more then what you were I was right because after reading this you have tough me something I will remember I will never run away from myself again
Now to your poem I think it is a little bit longer than the other poems I have read today but that is the thing you are good at writing poems with real life meaning and that is what I like about you. Also your creativity is very good in the poem even so more at the end because at the end you find a way to get away from running and get back to living in a more better way than before at the beginning of the poem.
Finally before I go there are a few things I would like to saw first you need to keep writing you are very good at what you do and keep that big imagination of yours it might help you throuhgt a lot is hard tasks. Also jeopardy reviewing who knows maybe in the future you will be writing reviews for my poems. The last thing is that you need to remind me when you write another poem or story because you are very good at what you do.
From your humble servant,
PusheenTheCat