your love clings to a door hinge tonight,
fingers bruised and battered, lips parted--echoing
the silence of the wind, and the calling of an afternoon
that beats against the dust in an unwillingness to part.
the sun says it is high noon; the clock says it is dusk,
and you wonder when the world decided
to turn itself down on its engagements anyway.
punctuality has always been appreciated in a system like ours, but lately,
the cosmic nebula has been far too busy convalescing to care.
(your love insists the world is fine; little does she know
that it’s her fault it fell down the stairs.)
because your love is pale, her eyes large and wandering,
her heart caught in the cleft of your doorway and mine.
i am wary of shutting the door at night, not because i am uncertain
of your returning, but because i do not wish
to tread upon Love’s mantle in my walk towards closure.
Love strings lamps from the ceiling, stuffs the crannies
in the hallway with starshafts, and watches you stomp on the ache
that she only just planted in the garden. i am wary
of watering her exotic plants, because i am uncertain
of the ways in which they flower. and i am uncertain
of the ways in which hearts such as yours
can make hearts like hers turn to slate and sand.
in the sky, saturn leans against the sun’s watershed;
he offers you a cigarette and asks you if you’d like some day
to take a walk, two rings around the universe’s public park and back.
in the sky, saturn sits measuring the distance between his floating whiffs
of exhaled smoke, and the dust that seethes on the surface
of his dinner jacket.
and your love watches quietly, fists jarred
between your doorway and mine.
i watch the night spiral into day, the darkness in Love's eyes spiralling
into the sun. hope beats against my door, quietly in the morning--
my love, in his unwillingness to part.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
*silence*
It's amazing, how a beautiful poem makes it all silent.
Stop being unbelievably good at poetry.
Hey dereee
So I'm a little distracted because of amazing videos and Facebook (guilty ;_;), buuut I'm going to attempt to leave you a review tonight. c: If I can.... Why does your poetry have to be so darn good? For one, it's completely unfair. And two, it leaves me with nothing to critique. So, what am I going to do? Easy - sit here with my cup of tea (it's half full, thank you very much) and read your poetry over and over and over again, possibly finding one small thing I can nitpick. I doubt it.
I realize I am going to sound quite ignorant here, no doubt, but I don't see what the cosmic nebula has to do with punctuality.... xd It caught me off-guard, and while that'd be okay if you followed up with something that explained/expanded on that thought (like what do stars have to do with it, huh?). I'm sorry, but that's what you're going to get from me as far as nitpicks go. Poem is gorgeous so far; I love it to pieces. <33
It's a quite large chunk to pull out, so I'll just mention it instead of taking out the entire block to show you. The fourth stanza down seems to have quite a bit of unneeded repetition in it. So, for instance, you repeat I am... (wary or impatient) three times in there. #patheticcritiqueisallIhave
As you can see, my reviewing abilities have gone down the drain.... Either that or your poetry is just too amazing to find anything wrong with. xDD I'm reading through over and over and all I can see is beautiful writing, perfect descriptions and just aghhh - perfection all the way. I wish I could write like you. Teach me plz ;_; The flow of your poetry is so smooth, vivid and beautiful. Your descriptions pull me in and make me see a brand new world, and let me just say... your ways of bringing stars and planets into your poetry is so wonderful and unique. I've seen it in quite a few poems of yours and always love it. c:
I'm going to leave now. I could sit here all night and gush about your poetry, Dory. It's just... ;_; Let me read it forevehhh. Never stop writing. Ever. Promise me you'll always write <3
~Darth Timmyjake
I love it! The personification of the love as a battered, bruised person in the beginning is excellent. The metaphors and imagery and word choice and other literary devices are superb! The beginning is amazing, the middle is amazing, the end is amazing - I literally have nothing but positive things to say about this piece. It really stuck a chord with me, too. I'm sorry if this isn't helpful - but to be completely honest this poem blows me away. Write on!!!!!
Hello!
I think I've reviewed you before, but nevertheless this was amazing.
My favorite part of this is the mature use of diction. The words flow and you paint the picture so the mature level of diction is just icing on the cake. And well, words are important when it comes to poetry so you seem to have a solid idea. Secondly, I noticed that you capitalized love like it was it's own being and I find this brilliant and something new. Another too executed to perfection. The length of each stanza is too rambled about or too short (if that's a thing). Grammatically on note. The only tool used with poetry I'd offer to contemplate using is maybe a rhyme scheme or even possible italics. Not needed as this work was just amazing, just more tools to make available when writing. Overall i love this work and keep on writing!
Your friend,
Cheaper