Young Writers Society

Hi, Felistia here with a review for you on this wonderful day.

Nit-picks

i think it was one of those desires that are always this strange knot of half envy and half sheer wonderlust for something that can never assume a tangible form.

This sentence was a little awkward to read and I'd recommend rewording it here and there. It was mostly the first part that was confusing. I think it would read a bit better if it was written something like this

i think it was one of those desires that is always a strange knot of half envy and half sheer wonder-lust for something that can never assume a tangible form.

my hands are smog in the lamplight. my hands are smog

You used the same descriptive word twice here. Maybe use "smoke" instead of "smog".

Grammar and Punctuation

The only problems that I found was a lack of capitalization in your poem. I'd go back through and add in those much needed capitals.

Overall thoughts

Theme: Okay so I found this poem really interesting. You had to continual theme of a snow globe and rain. (technically it should be called a rain globe then ) This was a nice way to present a message about the world. I do believe that you where talking about war a lot of the time with its mine's, bombs and rusty machines. Anyway I thought this was overall an interesting them. The layout of the poem was a bit daunting and was hard to get into, since it's not in the normal layout, but after a little while I started to enjoy it.

Rhythm: Your rhythm for the most part was good, but it had one thing that held it back from being perfect. I just thought that the lines where too long. They went on and on and way to many link words like "and". Other then that though I thought it was really good.

Description: Your description by far was the best bit of your poem. It was the thing that kept the poem together. You used lot of complex images that just made the poem sing with colour and feelings. I did think that you could have used a bit more depth when it came to some of the senses that you used in the poem like with this part

tomorrow, i will taste the sun.

Maybe include just a bit about how the sun tastes. This of coarse is just an idea.

Title: The title was also pretty much a perfect match for the poem. The only problem I found was that you put -edited- in it. I personally just find that unattractive and would take it out.

Overall it was a great poem and I look forward to the next one. Never stop writing and I hope you have a great day\night.

Your friend, Felistia.

Hi Pomp!
Wish I could give this a second "like" because I reread it and wanted to like it but then I realized I already had.

Beautiful poem. I love the rain. Your imagery is so lovely and I swear I could smell the rain and feel the cool drops on my arm and hear it on the roof.

Quick thing:

some snowglobes are meant to be barren, just like some eyes are meant to cry sand and silt instead of rainwater. it is raining outside. the rain always makes me want to cry,

I don't know why, but these sentences don't sit right with me. I think it's the too-soon repetition of the word "cry" or something after seemingly leaving the subject. This is the one part of the poem that sort of broke the flow for me.

So this is beautiful, but it has so much of the same words, the same images, the same meanings, and then it also has different images and different meanings that I can't keep track of, and all of the sameness and differences resolve it just sort of white noise that I can only keep a couple images from the poem in my head like "rain" and "snowglobe" and "cry" and "drunk" (though a few of those may have just stuck out to me). This might be nice because then people can get what they want to get out of the poem, but some people may just read the poem and retain nothing. I'm reading back and there are whole stanzas that I can't remember anything whatsoever from.
I think this is because the poem is too long and is missing focus and direction. I get that it's sort of prosetry, and that's cool, it's okay to have a long poem, but a poem this long without a story to pull it along, or at least progression of some sort, will ultimately be mostly forgettable, and I think most people who aren't daunted by the sheer length of it (curse our tiny attention spans) will just skim it.
I like the to-do list at the end. it's different and it captures my attention. However, I can't recall seeing a lot about breaking tides and tasting sun, and the way it's set up, it reads almost as if it's an essay conclusion where you sum up everything you talked about in the essay.
Or, you need focus.
I think you could easily make a poem that is /considerably/ shorter than this this is /really powerful/ out of just this one line:
"i am envious of the sky, you see, envious because it could always cry so easily when i struggled to shed a single tear."

But here's a part that's more forgettable (oh look it comes right after that really nice line):
you realise, as you grow older, how things are never clear-cut,

And here's another really good part (is this chronological!?), that seems like it should belong to a completely different poem:
i am a contortion of things that are meant but never said and things that are said but never meant

And then there's this line that would be nice if there weren't so many other lines to drown it out and make it like grey static on my mind because it's so train of thought everywhere:
and things that i cannot explain because the world never settles on any one person's shoulders for a time: it floats.

There are just so many extra words everywhere. It's almost like you're speaking in passive voice all the time (I know you're not), that's how needless and unpowerful so many of the words feel. I know it's train of thought and our brains like to cough up some little words to make things flow and sound pretty when you read them out loud,

according to a word counter, your most popular words (other than the, a, of, i, and, you, etc.) are: never, rain, when, always, world, things, inside, feel, meant, and like. Just so you know.

There's just so much going on here that I don't know where to look, so it all just blends together. Kinda like a Jackson Pollock painting or something.
In addition, the format of prosetry give no emphasis on words at the ends of lines, so I don't even have line breaks to direct my attention.

The words and phrases here are all beautiful, but they just don't get the same chance to shine as they would were the poem shorter and more to-the-point.

I hope this helps!
Keep writing!
~fortis