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a crash//a clatter//a thud

by Pompadour


i have read in books about heartbreak,
and i have always imagined it to be
some sort of nebulous warfare, a crashing,
a clattering of dishware in that sepulchral sink
that hangs above your head
and threatens to drown you.
the sun will crack in two
every time you break your heart;
fissures will appear through the sky
every time you break your heart;
the stars will unravel like nylon thread
and wrap tight around your neck, dig
into your flesh every time you break your heart.

[it is colossal//you are colossal//
and it hurts, it hurts, it hurts]

i have read in books about heartbreak--
yet recently, i have discovered
that the sky is nothing but a leaky faucet,
that knives do not slip so easily
between culverted ribs, stars 
do not strangle people, and it is easier 
to crush skulls than suns 
with the weight of living.

there is a dull ache in my chest
and it does not look to be leaving soon.

[it hurts, it hurts, it
                                hurts]


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95 Reviews


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Wed Nov 23, 2016 7:11 pm
BeTheChange wrote a review...



I liked the format, although the brackets and double slashes aren't my personal favorite. I also liked the imagery. Finally, I liked the theme--as much as one can 'like' something so depressing. I don't really see anything that needs improvement...
If you didn't see already, this poem was in the literary spotlight, and for good reason. You earned your reward, Pompadour, so congratulations!




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Tue Nov 22, 2016 7:20 pm
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Kaylaa wrote a review...



This is Kaos here for a review!

i have read in books about heartbreak,
and i have always imagined it to be
some sort of nebulous warfare, a crashing,
a clattering of dishware in that sepulchral sink
that hangs above your head
and threatens to drown you.


I liked the concept of the start of the poem with the speaker talking about how heartbreak is made to be in books but I wanted a little more, which I'll talk about later on. This first stanza goes on the topic of that but the imagery was a bit of a mess for me near the end of it. I don't know how utensils or dishwater can drown you, which was mainly what I was confused by. Give us the plates and bowls breaking, mugs losing their handles, something more of that sort while keeping the drowning part. The one thing that I do have to say is that I wanted this poem to be a bit more content-based on what it talks about, giving examples of cliches in books and everything of that sort. The dishes are something that kind of popped up out of nowhere for me and that was one of my problems but it did come in the form of a metaphor.

every time you break your heart;
fissures will appear through the sky
every time you break your heart;
the stars will unravel like nylon thread
and wrap tight around your neck, dig
into your flesh every time you break your heart.


The punctuation was something that was hit and miss throughout the poem with it being too little in some spots and too much in the others. The choice of using two semicolons so close to each other was an interesting stylistic choice but I didn't prefer it because there wasn't a period after the second line. I would like to see you use periods to your advantage here, because of the lack of them you can make them something to define and indicate strong stops instead of it all dragging on. The lines should build onto each other, yes, but don't forget that they end. This is something that broke out of the dishes mold and goes into a couple of lines of imagery. I thought that they were good lines, sure, but they lacked emotional impact for me. I wasn't able to get into them like things of your other poems. There was a lack of definitive emotion in the lines, and it talked about things that were considered to be heartbreak but they didn't reach in that way. Sensory details that specifically is based on or focuses on emotion would be beneficial.

One small note I wanted to make is that the poem has three stanzas and I was hoping that this would relate to the title of starting with a stanza of crashing things, which it did, but the rest didn't really follow up on it and there wasn't three stanzas? It didn't have to be that way because it still has all three in the poem which was a connection that I enjoyed.

[it is colossal//you are colossal//
and it hurts, it hurts, it hurts]


This in-between was something that I enjoyed other than the density of all of it. My main problem is how much is slammed into it and there's not really any space to breathe with the "//" in it so I suggest using white space to your advantage here? At least that's my thoughts on it even though it had a strong emotion to it. It just feels a little cluttered.

And onto after the intersection of the poem which is something that I didn't have as many problems with. Here's where the imagery starts to shine and isn't too much and isn't too little. The middle and end of that stanza was beautiful. Something that I wanted to see though since this the main repetition or line that starts the two stanzas off had to do with reading about heartbreak. This made me want to hear the cliches and things that books do that tell about heartbreak that might not necessarily real and comparing that to how it actually is, but that might be for another poem or a separate idea.

The end of the poem after the second stanza had just enough of power, the last line especially. It has enough emotion while also being simple, and I can appreciate that.

I hope I helped and have a great day!




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Tue Nov 22, 2016 6:51 pm
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Lumi wrote a review...



Ayyy.

The clunkiest and worst part of the whole piece are the last few lines of stanza one. It takes far too much breath and needs to be reduced to a condensed metaphor / maybe removed entirely because while I love the rule of three I think your power going on here is more than enough to sustain you while you move forward because if I haven't mentioned it already holy freaking crap the power.

So heartbreak poetry is overwrought. Don't care. This is excellently done. It's Pomply done, not that I'd have it any other way.

So your whole deal is comparing the dramatized heartbreak with the reality and you pull it off well but the first stanza is so overwhelmingly dramatic that it's almost too much. There are two ways that you can go about addressing this, which is to either tone it down or really push up the sensory engagement so that the drama isn't lost? The issue here is that the flow is so delicate that adding words would prove caustic and I'd rather not see that, so my go-to is white space and formatting. Your title gives me an interesting clue as to what you could manage in the dish line. Some experiments could prove happy accidents here.

The second half is just wonderful and soft and right up my alley in the way that I prefer poetry to be a death by anesthesia.

You do wonderful things, Pomp.
Ty




Pompadour says...


<3 thank you for this




You cannot understand and disagree.
— P. D. Ouspensky